High Five

a quick look around the interweb while you prepare to do all the things tonight you've resolved never ever to do again starting tomorrow

1. CUT TO: "Ryan, this is Scott. Scott, Ryan." [ESPN]


2. For a few moments last night, we were prepared to like Bryant Gumbel and then he goes and wrecks it. [Mister Irrelevant]


3. The gauntlet is thrown down to the Chicago media: will someone have the cojones to deconstruct the myth that is Michael Jordan? [The Big Lead]


4. The Nuggets aren't in awe of Iverson and that might be why he's doing so well in Denver. [freedarko.com]


5. After Nick Saban takes his job, Joe Kines definitely has a future in broadcasting. [Every Day Should be Saturday]

Remember, it's Amateur Night out there so take good care. Happy New Year, everyone!

Two Thousand Six in Pix

We were going to do a 2006 "Best Of" or "Worst of" or "Top Ten" list, then realized we'd just be piling on.

So, we're gonna toss back our first glass of champagne - hey, it's New Year's Eve, for Pete's sake! - and just kinda free associate. Names and events that mattered to us, in no particular order.

Okay, lie back, relax.... where's that damned drink?....

and let the 2006 sports memories flow........

You want to know what killed the White Sox this year? Weak pitching? A failure to take advantage of the Twins and Tigers' respective meltdowns during the last weeks of the season? No. It was over the day Jerry Reinsdorf made Joe Crede cut his hair. Jerry, ever hear of Samson and Delilah?

New Orleans storms over Atlanta 23-3 in the first game held in the Superdome in over a year. Take that, Katrina, you bitch.

One of the last good reasons to watch tennis is gone.

The disappointment of this season makes it harder to remember that there was a time when Bill Cowher was perfectly happy. And we were happy for him.

Floyd Landis.

Speaking of which...

George Mason's Cinderella appearance in the Final Four made the the Sweet Sixteen all the sweeter.

Six consecutive PGA tour wins. Remarkable. And behind one of the finest competitors of all time was a wonderful dad. Rest in peace, Mister Woods.

Two of the true greats.

Red Auerbach.

Curt Gowdy.

WHO won??!!

He scored HOW many points?!!

Let's just blame global warming for Turin.

Finally, a reason to find soccer interesting.

Funny Videos

The NBA playoffs were the best in years. LeBron, D-Wade, Dirk, Kobe, reminded us of that tingly feeling we had in the days of MJ and Magic.

"Do we wuv our wittle boy? Yeswedo, Yeswedo..."

Suh-wheat.

We admit to much affection for Rod Brind'Amour; happy for him. But there should be a rule: if a city's ponds do not freeze over in winter, it should not be allowed to have an NHL team.

Think Jimmie Johnson. On the roof. And try not to laugh.

And finally....

As it was at the end of 2006, so it shall be in the beginning of 2007. Amen.

The Guiding Light and a Long, Dark Night

"This is a soap opera to its fullest!" New York Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce proclaimed about teammate Tiki Barber's powerhouse performance Saturday night.

Tiki singlehandedly carried his team to a 34-28 victory over the hapless Washington Redskins.

Barber, postponing his broadcasting career by at least one week, carried 23 times for 234 yards and three touchdowns.

"There are certain things that motivate you, push you," Barber said. "It's partly because of the circumstances of this game, my last one. Most important, we had to win to keep playing."

Absent an unlikely confluence of events, the win gets the Giants a post-season playoff berth.

After the game,Giants head coach Tom Coughlin was his usual gracious self. When asked whether he was coaching for his job, Coughlin said, "We won a game, and we got into the playoffs. Is that good enough?" He then slammed a locker door on Eli Manning's hand and retreated into a bathroom stall where he could be heard repeatedly head-butting the toilet seat and screaming, "Respect my authoritah!!!"

Okay, this is the part where we are supposed to dryly recite some statistics about what the Washington Redskins did in the game.

Maybe we can, but dammit, I can't!

This is my team, and they killed me slowly this year.

They weren't even horrible enough to be memorable. When I try to remember this season, one craptastically mediocre game melds into the next and I'm left with a nagging headache and an unexplained urge to wage war on a small, defenseless country. (Note to NFL: consider moving Redskins out of our Nation's Capitol.)

For me, the Redskins are the football equivalent of a really crummy relationship you just can't quite end. You know, one where the the guy's okay, sorta, and you're having a reasonably decent time the first few dates, though he keeps picking kinda cheap restaurants and the conversation's never that interesting but you stick with it cuz all your friends say "he has lots of potential" and then one night when you're out he suddenly doubles over with food poisoning from a bad all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp and your place is close by and he looks at you with those puppy-dog eyes and next thing you know you you're applying cold compresses to his head while he's puking into your new Pottery Barn leather wastebasket and you leave the room for a minute only to return and discover he's found the remote and is watching "Hitler's Last Days" on The History Channel and sipping ginger ale REALLY loud and belching and you find yourself fantasizing about ways to off him -

(shake it off, Panger, shake it off....)

Late in the fourth quarter, the Redskins rallied. Thanks to Jason Campbell's second touchdown pass of the game with 3:22 to play, they came within six tantalizing points of taking the lead.

When the Giants obliged by squandering three consecutive downs, the Skins regained possession and the chance to win.

We dared to hope.

Silly, silly us.

Campbell proceeded to quickly muff four passes and the Giants took over on downs. Game over.

And with that, Washington ended its season with a 5-11 record.

5-11. Inconceivable.


Joe Gibbs was reflective about his annus horribilis, the worst of his career:

"A long, hard, tough year for us. [Washington Redskins owner] Dan [Snider] and I were in there talking right now. We're going to start with me and him, and spend quite a bit of time together, starting tomorrow. I think I know quite a bit about some of the things I want to do, and some of the things we want to try to
fix."

You know I love you, Joe, but ya think you might have had that discussion, I don't know, three friggin' months ago?

Oh and by the way, that trick play by Randle El... Sweet. Worth every penny of the $8 million signing bonus.

And while we're on the subject, spending a cool two million on Al Saunders and handing him the offensive binder? Man, it sure paid off. Redskins, ranked 15th on offense! Nice work, Al!

And let's not forget, sticking with Mark Brunell weeks after you should have pulled him....Adam Archuleta and Andre Carter... yeah, that helped... helped us rank 30th in the league in defense...

Here. Have some more ginger ale.

What's that, Joe? It tastes bitter, you say?

Just drink it all up.

Tidy Bowl Recaps

the down and dirty on the bowl games last night

The Alamo Bowl: Texas 26, Iowa 24
Longhorns QB Colt McCoy finished 26/40 for 308 yards for 2TDs, 29 total for the season, tying the NCAA freshman record. He started a little shaky thought, and Iowa did not make it easy. With QB Drew Tate passing for 274 yards, the Hawkeyes took a 14-0 lead in the first quarter and retook the lead at 21-20 with a minute left when Andy Brodell scored his second touchdown on a 23-yard reception. But Iowa botched a wide-receiver trick play pass on first down, which turned the game around for Texas. "It's totally my fault. I'm sick over it," Iowa coach Kirk Ferentz said. "Guys competed that long and that hard and that put us in a bad situation." Coach Ferentz, don't feel bad. The Gridiron Gods simply enforced an unwritten rule of the game: any football player named Colt McCoy just has to win.

Meineke Car Care Bowl (seriously, don't these names rankle you just a little?): Boston College 25, Navy 24
BC extended the nation's current longest bowl game win streak to seven when walk-on kicker Borat Steve Aponavicius kicked a career-high 37 yard FG. Aponavicius, who had never played organized football until October of this year, gave BC its first 10-win season since 1984. His reward: he will probably be replaced by a scholarship kicker next season. Well, that, and all the BC coed action he can handle.

Chick-fil-A-Bowl (sigh): Georgia 31, Virginia Tech 24
Georgia rallied from an 18-point deficit to upset the No. 14 Hokies. Georgia scored 28 second-half points to rally from a 21-3 halftime deficit. "At halftime we said, 'Look, we're down 21-3, but all we need to do is get a couple of first downs," said Mike Bobo, the new Georgia offensive coordinator. "We knew we were going to have the opportunity to get some guys open deep if we could protect, and we were able to do that."

High Five

a quick look around the interweb while you're trying not to make "sudden death overtime" jokes about saddam

1. Scott Boras: Rasputin reincarnated? [AP]
2. "Wait, there's another present under the tree for Rino.... Wow, it's a do-it-yourself head cheese kit!" [Fox Sports]
3. Steven Nash takes time out from whining about his balls to reach 10,000 career points. [ESPN.com]
4. Will Bill Belichik let Vinny Testervade go for twenty? [Boston Globe]
5. Tiger Woods hits a hole-in-one. [Deadspin]

Orange Roundie™ Accusation Makes Rawlings Hurl

Orange Roundie™ 2006 YAYSports!

Hey, Roundie! Yeah, I'm talkin' to you!

Ya know, I've been tattooed, crushed, sent into orbit, peppered and kissed goodbye but I've always been a pretty good sport about it.

Until now.

Your crazy lies about me and your Missus yesterday crossed the line.

I know you're upset about the way you've been REEEE-JECTED! by David Stern and the NBA.

But that's no cause for your bad behavior.

Look, I don't know you very well - I go back way further with my pal Roundball - but man, you don't think I understand what you're going through?

Dude, Selig's messed me with so much, I'm wound up tighter than Kenny Rogers. [EDITOR: We apologize for the error. Rawlings was referencing Kenny Rogers.]

Still, you don't see me coming apart at the seams or hurling wild accusations at my ladies, Spalding, Titleist or Dunlop.

And you don't see me giving up.

You gotta have hope, Orange Roundie.

Okay, you got kicked outta the NBA. So WHAT?! That's the way the ball bounces (which I hear was one of your problems but hey, that's another story for another day...).

You've still got a couple days left. Show 'em what you're made of!

Take it to the hole!

Nothing but net!

Roundie, I know you don't wanna end it all. Come on, say it with me, brotha:

WE'RE HERE, WE'RE SPHERE, GET USED TO IT!

Good. That's more like it.

And there's something else, Roundie. After the New Year, I've got a new gig for you. It's not the action-packed life you're used to, I know, but it will provide for your wife and kid.

Ya see, dozens of rich yet incredibly stupid art "collectors" have actually paid over 150 grand for each of these:

Think I'm kidding? Think again.

Looks like the Missus will be able to keep her Mercedes after all.

And don't worry, I'll be sure to keep an eye on her while you're on the job.

Peace out.

NFL Note to Self: Rethink Haynesworth Stomp

NFL Network, it may interest you that a few million sports enthusiasts aren't even going to notice whether you're on cable this evening.

And not just because you have dumb (Giants) and dumber (Redskins) as your draw or a squeaky-voiced, cliche-hurling dilletante doing play by play.

Ya see, NFL, while you've been squabbling over nickels and dimes, 1.6 million US households have been quietly plunking down $39.95 to watch a single event that's gonna be on tonight.

No, not a Jenna Jameson career retrospective. (Though you're gettin' warm...)

It's the Ultimate Fighting Championship (UFC) light heavyweight title match between champion Chuck Liddell and challenger Tito Ortiz.

This grudge rematch has taken two years to put together and is likely to put the UFC squarely in the mainstream with the biggest fight (boxing, wrestling or UFC) seen in the last seven years.

For sports purists, ultimate fighting is the lowbrow marriage of boxing and wrestling.

But for its growing legion of fans, this mixed martial arts sport - combining combat disciplines like boxing, wrestling, jiu-jitsu, taekwondo and judo - is a bloody ballet, a breathtaking confluence of brutality and beauty, outrage and honor.

Its growth in popularity is simply staggering. Over the last year, each WFC Pay Per View event has literally doubled in viewership. Just this October, according to Nielsen ratings, 1,598,000 males 18-34 watched the Ortiz-Shamrock III match. On that same night in that same age bracket, only 1,223,000 watched Game 1 of the World Series.

The times they are a-changin'.

Dave Melzer of the the Los Angeles Times traces the brief and turbulent history of WFC, while Dave Doyle of FoxSports.com explains why this new sport has exploded in popularity and why you might wanna pony up and watch tonight.

Has he convinced us to push "Buy and Record"?

Hmmmm..... Eli Manning versus Jason Campbell, no Jeremy Shockey to kick around, more Pouting Plexico... or:

Hell, think we're gonna live the stereotype and watch a Gray's Anatomy rerun.

The Brady Bowl

The permutations and combinations that will clinch playoff berths for NFL teams are just too exhausting to contemplate.

Besides, the real question is, Oakland or Detroit?

Yes, sports fans, The Quest for Brady Quinn is coming to an exciting conclusion with the Raiders and the Lions as our two finalists.

Here are the scenarios for each team to end up with first pick in the draft next year (we strongly recommend taking two aspirin before reading this):

"The easiest way for Oakland to get the top pick would be by losing to the New York Jets while Detroit beats the Dallas Cowboys.

"If both Detroit and Oakland have the same result this week, it goes to the tiebreaker. The teams on Detroit's schedule have 127 victories so far, while the Raiders' opponents have 131.

"If both Detroit and Oakland lose, the gap would narrow by one win based on Dallas beating the Lions. Since the Jets would have played both teams, that game would have no impact on the tiebreaker.

"There are eight other games that will play into the strength of schedule tiebreaker. The Lions would be assured of winning it if two of Oakland's AFC West rivals win this week. Kansas City hosts Jacksonville, Denver hosts San Francisco, and San Diego hosts Arizona.

"If one AFC West team wins, the Raiders would get the edge in the tiebreaker with wins by Miami, New England, Atlanta, Buffalo and Minnesota. If all three AFC West teams lose, Oakland's chances would increase a little more."

Detroit or California in November?

Not hard to guess what Brady's likely hoping for.

Despite Art Shell's protestations to the contrary, you can be sure what Oakland's hoping for.

And we're guessing a lot of San Francisco fans are hoping for it too.


(I wipe the floor with your Tara Conner.)

Tidy Bowl Recaps

A quick look at some memorable Bowl highlights from last night:

Insight Bowl: Texas Tech 44, Minnesota 41
The Red Raiders stunned the Gophers with a historic comeback win, the biggest in Bowl history. Tech looked like toast after Minnesota took a 38-7 lead with 7:47 to go in the third quarter. But TT rallied, staging a stunning comeback with 31 unanswered points in less than 20 minutes to put the game into overtime. A 32-yard Joel Monroe field goal put Minnesota up 41-38 in OT, but Shannon Woods scored on a 3-yard run to win it for the Red Raiders. "We talked at halftime that we had a great opportunity to make history, and the reason people come to Texas Tech is to play all 60 minutes," said coach Mike Leach who, according to reports, fought back tears during a postgame interview.

Sun Bowl: Oregon St. 39 Missouri 38
Moral of the story, don't poke the beaver. Oregon State coach Mike Riley, looking just to tie and go into overtime, got his BVDs in a twist when Mizzou called a timeout to review an OS touchdown catch, claiming it had been bobbled. That's when Rily decided to get mad and get one point beyond even, going for a gutsy 2-point conversion run that gave 24th-ranked Beavers a last second victory over the Tigers. "Like in a card game at the end, we were all-in," Riley said. "We put all of our chips on the table."

Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl (I kid you not): Kentucky 28, Clemson 20 Cheered on by thousands of screaming fans, Kentucky was a bowl winner for the first time in 22 years, as Andre Woodson threw for three touchdowns and 299 yards. The Wildcats defense, ranked second-to-last nationally, proved the key. "We didn't get any respect coming into this game," said linebacker Wesley Woodyard, who led the Wildcats with 12 tackles. "A lot of people expected our defense to come in and curl up, but that's not a defense. If the game was played on paper, we'd be blown out 50-0." Meanwhile, it was the first time in three years Clemson ended a season in defeat, not surprising given their implosion down the stretch (losing four of the last five games).

In other results:

Autozone Liberty Bowl: South Carolina 44, Houston 36

Champs Sports Bowl: Maryland 24, Purdue 7

The Week That Were

Well, we're done for the week. No more posts from us this year, but that doesn't mean Foul Balls won't still be up and rolling.

As always, Panger will be here to countdown the final hours of 2006 with you. Feel free to tip her. As for what the schedule's gonna be like here on Monday, you can probably expect a few posts, but between the inevitable hangover and slate of bowl games, we can't promise you too much.

For those of you who fear you may have missed anything this week, here's the best of the week that were.

Have a happy and safe New Year, everybody.

• In case you forgot what Jay Mariotti is, well, he's a jackass. And fat and ugly too!
• Reminiscing about the golden days that were high school, and the crazy ass thugs we went to school with.
• Judging by the way he used his hands on the Sex Boat, we don't think Fred Smoot will have any trouble communicating by text for the next few weeks.
• It's feels weird to say, but maybe this Bears/Packers game just isn't worth the hassle.
• We're beginning to wonder if Dwyane Wade can walk down the street without injuring something.
• Maria Sharapova. On a beach. In a bikini.
• We're hoping that YaySports won't get pissed, and we're praying nobody compares us to Scoop Jackson. That would just be devastating.
• It ain't Vince Young, it's them purty colors!

Foul Balls HORSE 12-29-06

Last games of 2006.

Washington Wizards (16-12) vs. Orlando Magic (17-13)-7:00PM Est.

• Fornelli-Wizards (Double Down)
• Panger-Wizards (Double Down)
• James-Wizards (Double Down)
• Jeeves-Wizards

Miami Heat (13-15) vs. New Jersey Nets (11-18)-NBA TV 7:30PM Est.

• Fornelli-Nets
• Panger-Heat
• James-Heat
• Jeeves-Nets

Los Angeles Clippers (12-16) vs. Sacramento Kings (12-14)-10:30PM Est.

• Fornelli-Kings
• Panger-Clippers
• James-Clippers
• Jeeves-Clippers (Double Down)

YESTERDAY

• Fornelli-Mavs+Spurs+Nuggets(DD)= 4pts
• Panger-Suns+Spurs+Nuggets(DD)= 3pts
• James-Suns+Spurs+Nuggets(DD)= 3pts
• Jeeves-Mavs+Spurs(DD)+Nuggets= 4pts

STANDINGS

1. Panger (75-38)= 91pts
2. Jeeves (75-38)= 89pts
3. Fornelli (75-38)= 88pts
4. James (69-43)= 86pts

Tommy the Dago Presents-NFL Week 17

Finally, it's here. The last week in what has been a long, agonizing process for me. Only sixteen games left to flail at wildly before the records are wiped clean, and I can start anew with the playoffs.

I cannot stress enough how freeing this is. I don't care if I go 0-16, and really, it's not impossible. Week 17 is one of the hardest to pick cuz you never know who's going to play whom, and for how long. I mean, the Panthers are three point favorites on the road at New Orleans. That's how insane Week 17 is.

But I'm going to try anyway, and who knows? Maybe the fact I couldn't care less about the results right now we'll be exactly what I need in search of that perfect week.

Best Bets in CAPS

Redskins (+3) vs. Giants
The Giants aren't going to make the playoffs. This team is on the brink of exploding, and not in a productive way.

Bengals vs. STEELERS (+6)
Aside from games against Baltimore, the Steelers are actually playing pretty well. Not sure they'll beat Cincy, who's playing for the postseason, but I don't think they're gonna get blown out.

Cowboys (-13) vs. Lions
Not even the combination of Carrie Underwood distracting Tony Romo, and T.O.'s dropped passes will affect the Cowboys enough to have any trouble with the Lions. The Lions are so bad, even their fans can't do anything right. Sunday against the Bears, all the fans were supposed to stand up and leave at the same time in protest of GM Matt Millen. Only 100 did.

Texans (-4) vs. Browns
What else would you rather do on New Year's Eve than watch these two heavyweights battle it out?

Chiefs vs. Jaguars (+3)
I don't know what to expect from either of these teams. I just figure it'll be close.

Vikings vs. RAMS (-3)
Ya, I don't feel right picking the Rams on the road as a dog either, but they're playing for a playoff berth, and the Vikings are starting Travares Jackson, so I'll go with it.

Saints (+3) vs. Panthers
Not sure if Delhomme is going to play, and who's gonna play for the Saints, but I'll take New Orleans at home getting points based on principle alone.

Jets vs. Raiders (+13)
I'm supposed to trust the Jets to score 13 points? Don't hate on the Raiders defense, they're doing their job, it's the offense that's hideous.

Buccaneers vs. Seahawks (+3.5)
I know Seattle has nothing to play for, but I don't think they're playing well enough to afford resting all their key players. They got a ton of things they need to fix first.

Titans (-3) vs. Patriots
Vince Young is my hero.

RAVENS (-9.5) vs. Bills
So much for that "Bills always cover" theory. Ravens have a chance at home field, so they won't take it easy on Buffalo.

Colts (-9) vs. Dolphins
I trust the Colts can perform at home. If this was on the road I'd take Miami, Cleo Lemon or no Cleo Lemon.

Eagles vs. Falcons (+8)
I'm not saying Atlanta will win, but this just seems like the type of game I talked about a few weeks ago. A team wins a few games in a row pretty convincingly, then they're declared big favorites and don't cover. Atlanta will at least keep it close.

Broncos (-10.5) vs. 49ers
Jay Cutler is starting to relax, and it's showing.

Chargers (-13.5) vs. Cardinals
Since LaDainian didn't score any TD's last week, I figure that means he's due for 4 or 5 this week.

Bears (-3) vs. Packers
Listen, I don't care if the Bears are using nothing but third stringers. If I don't pick them against the Packers I'll be used as target practice in Tank Johnson's backyard.

The Titans Wear Prada

For the fools who think Vince Young is behind the Tennessee Titan's resurgence this season, think again.

AP writer Theresa Walker has isolated the real reason behind the Titan's six-game winning streak:

Their outfits.


She reports that Tennessee has changed its jerseys and pants seven times this season searching for just the right game-day look. And, says Walker,

"It's hard to argue with the results. After an 0-5 start, the Titans won their first game of the season Oct. 15 at Washington when they first wore the navy jersey and pants. From there, the team won seven of it's [sic] next nine games and takes a six-game winning streak and a chance at the playoffs into its regular-season finale against the visiting New England Patriots."

That's the kind of hard-hitting sports analysis sure to get the attention of John Huey at SI, Theresa. Keep up the good work.

Now go get us some coffee.

Our Date with TNT

We told you we'd be glued to TNT Thursday night, and lucky for you, we kept a running diary of our thoughts while watching both the Mavs/Suns game, and Nuggets/Sonics. We'll let you know now, we didn't make it through the second game.

All times are Central, cuz we're biased that way.

7:01 - What do we have in common with Charles Barkley? We're both excited about these games tonight!!

7:15 - This game is going to be fun to watch, no matter how hard Doug Collins tries to ruin it for me. I hate Doug Collins and his bleach blonde dye job.

7:18 - Devin Harris just fouled Dwyane Wade. Ha! That joke never gets old!! Not that we're bitter.

7:22 - Speaking of Devin Harris, we remember reading a story on him in ESPN the Magazine a few years ago. In college at Wisconsin, he lived with two chubby white girls and never once tried to have sex with them. You know who hangs out with chubby white girls? Gay guys. Not that there's anything wrong with that, Devin.

7:24 - Steve Nash is in his 30s, and has won the last two MVP awards, and his numbers keep improving every year. It's pretty obvious, but I'm just gonna throw this out there: Steve Nash is on steroids.

7:31 - Craig Sager is wearing a red velvet sportcoat. Devin Harris thinks it looks fabulous.

7:35 - Nine minutes into the game, and we finally have a Mark Cuban sighting.

7:44 - In case you weren't aware, the Suns can't play defense of any kind.

7:45 - And the first quarter ends with the Mavs up 30-20. Jason Terry is lighting it up so far with 13 points.

7:54 - It's kinda surprising how sloppy this game has been so far. The Suns have 7 turnovers, and the Mavs have 4. I feel sorry for anybody who took the over tonight.

8:01 - Dirk is holding and flexing his elbow right now. He's already got a sprained ankle, and that can't be a comforting sight for Dallas fans.

8:06 - TNT comes back from a break playing excerpts of the Mavs timeout on the bench. The highlight is easily Avery Johnson squeaking to Desagana Diop, "Dunk on somebody and scream! Show me something!"

8:08 - Jason Terry is feeling it tonight. He just hit a three to give him 18 points already.

8:09 - Diop just got called for a moving screen. Something tells me that's not what Avery wanted to see. To make it worse, he forgot to scream.

8:19 - It's halftime with the score Mavs 52 Suns 49.

8:24 - They're expecting another 18 inches of snow in Denver tonight, and a state of emergency has been declared. Sucks to be you, Denver.

8:28 - Presenting Charles Barkley's five cures for the flu.

1. Go to Vegas
2. Eat a lot
3. Gamble a lot
4. Go clubbin a lot
5. Don't sleep at all

Gotta love Sir Charles.

8:42 - Amare just got hit in the man parts by a Josh Howard elbow. Thanks for the replay TNT. I'm holding mine in sympathy.

8:45 - After climbing back to within one point, the Suns keep turning the ball over, and Jason Terry just hit another three to bring it back to an 8-point lead for Dallas. Terry now has 25 points.

8:48 - Make that three straight Phoenix possessions with a turnover. They now have 14.

8:51 - Basketball, like the internet, is made of a series of tubes. In those tubes are runs that teams go on. Right now, Dallas is on a 12-0 run, and the score is 70-58.

8:52 - Another three for Terry. He's got 30.

8:52 - Still feeling the pain in his man parts, Amare decides that rubbing them on Erick Dampier's face while he jumps over him for a dunk is the best medicine.

9:00 - Apparently it's impossible for Steve Nash to travel. He just took three, count 'em, three, steps without dribbling before hitting Barbosa for a three-pointer. It's the third time I can remember seeing Nash get away with a travel tonight. Those damn steroids!

9:06 - And at the end of three, we have a game again. Mavs up two at 78-76.

9:11 - The Suns have their first lead since late in the first at 18-16. It's 80-78 as the Suns are now on a 20-5 run. Oh, and Nash has been on the bench almost the entire time.

9:14 - Make that a 26-5 run as Jumaine Jones has hit two consecutive three pointers to make it 86-78. Nash is still on the bench.

9:22 - You gotta put a body on Dirk!! That's two straight offensive rebounds from the German, and Dallas is creeping back in.

9:26 - After 25 minutes on the bench, the MVP finally comes back to the floor.

9:29 - Boris Diaw has just fouled out, and the Mavs have cut the lead to 91-88.

9:32 - Somebody put a body on Dirk! He puts the Mavs back in the lead at 92-91.

9:38 - Yet another three from Terry gives Dallas a 95-94 lead. Jason has 35 points now.

9:39 - I have no idea who the blonde sitting with ESPN's Marc Stein is, but she's way out of his league. Hope he knows she's just using him for the seats. I doubt he cares.

9:41 - Daaaaaaayum. A sweet lob from Nash to Amare ties it at 97.

9:42 - Still tied up, and Raja Bell commits a dumb turnover when he passes to Steve Nash. Problem is Nash isn't where Bell passed the ball. Mavs ball, 31.5 seconds left. You can cut the tension with a knife!

9:43 - Feeling he hasn't hurt his team enough, Bell goes ahead and fould Josh Howard. And 1.

9:44 - Howard misses the free throw, and Steve Nash finds Shawn Marion under the basket to tie this game up at 99. There are 6.3 seconds left. Call me crazy, but I think Dirk's gonna get the ball.

9:46 - They put a body on Dirk, and it didn't matter. He hits an 18-foot jumper to give the Mavs a 101-99 lead with 1.3 seconds left.

9:49 - Amare misses a tough jumper, and this game is over. Mavs beat the Suns, again, 101-99. Somehow I just don't think the Nuggets/Sonics game will be anywhere near as interesting as this one was.

9:52 - As if this game wasn't in danger of being boring enough, Ray Allen isn't playing either. Great. Not to mention I have him on my fantasy team, and could use the points.

9:53 - First glimpse of AI as a Nugget, and he goes coast to coast for a layup. Same Iverson, new uniform.

9:56 - Ray Allen needs to get his priorities straight. Turns out he's missing the game to attend the birth of his second child. Whipped!!

9:59 - Gotta admit, it's different, but I like AI in the powder blue.

10:03 - Halfway through the first quarter, and Iverson already has 8 points.

10:10 - It's too bad that Luke Ridnour plays in Seattle, cuz he's pretty good, and nobody notices.

10:15 - Earl Boykins is just precious. Just don't tell him I said that cuz he can bench 315 pounds, and I've no desire to get my ass kicked by somebody who's 5'5.

10:16 - End of the first quarter, and Denver leads 35-27. Iverson already has 12 points.

10:21 - If the diamonds in Marcus Camby's earrings get any bigger, he won't be able to hold his head up.

10:25 - Iverson has 14 points and 7 assists, and there are still 9 minutes until halftime. He's a one-man show, and he has to be right now.

10:35 - The Answer's been on the bench for a while now, and yes, this game is unbelievably boring without him. Not that we aren't huge Linas Kleiza fans.

10:42 - Iverson is now officially comfortable in his new surroundings. He just picked up his first technical as a Denver Nugget.

10:50 - News flash. Guys named Jell-O Bowl cannot guard Allen Iverson.

10:54 - Iverson makes a pass to Reggie Evans in the corner. Problem is Evans is on the bench and standing as he prepares to leave the court for halftime. Iverson doesn't realize this. It's halftime with Denver up 60-56.

11:16 - Ok, I don't think I'm going to make it.

11:19 - You gotta put a body on Iverson!!! He's got 29 points for Christ's sake!

11:40 - Okay. We quit. We gotta get up early, and this game is boring. Even with Iverson's performance.

Just in case you were wondering, Iverson would finish with 44 points and 10 assists in Denver's 112-98 victory.

Dear Diary - The Orange Roundie™

The Orange Roundie™ 2006 YAYSports! (We don't want no trouble, boys.)

Dear Diary,

Just a few more days, and it's all over.

I can't believe it. All I got was three months. Three fucking months.

They never even tried to get to know me.

Nope, it was all "This ball sucks."

"It hurts my fingers."

Well, at least I'm gonna outlast Saddam, right? I guess that's some consolation.

What the hell am I supposed to do now!? I'm a god damn basketball!! I don't have any other job skills. I bounce, and I can be flung into the air. That's it.

I never went to school. I have no education. I spent my whole life focused on one goal. To make the NBA. Then as soon as I achieve the dream, those spoiled bastard millionaires rip it right from my non-existent hands.

Well fuck you, Steve Nash.

Bite me, Shaq. What the hell are you even complaining about, you fat tub!? You haven't even played a game with me yet, you lazy piece of crap. What? Was one of my relatives in that house you raided by accident while lookin for kiddie porn!?

This is all a bunch of bullshit. Are you a-holes gonna pay my bills now?

I bought a new house. I got my wife the Mercedes she wanted. I bought the boy one of those Playstation 3's on the eBay. It cost me $1,500 but what can I say? I love the kid.

Now I got a mortgage, the car payments, and a credit card bill that gets bigger by the second.

All this, and I'm about to be unemployed.

You couldn't fight for me, David Stern? I thought you were my friend, David. Then you just go and betray me like this? I thought the NBA was your league. Then you go and surrender to the players like France to a troop of Girl Scouts on a field trip.

It's bullshit!!

All the abuse I've suffered, the risks I've taken. Do you know what these NBA players do with their free time? They're like STD factories, and here I am letting them touch me anytime they please.

I have cold sores in places I didn't even know I had. They hurt too. I'm oozing pus everywhere I look. My wife doesn't even wanna touch me when I get home.

I haven't gotten laid in two months!!

That's right, NBA, two God forsaken months. She thinks I'm cheating on her. I tell you, you get caught in one picture, one fucking picture, with the WNBA ball and the bitch goes ballistic on you.

Nevermind the fact that the WNBA ball is a full blown dyke, no, I'm totally cheating on her with it. Stupid lying whore.

The NBA has ruined my life. Now they're trying to end it too. "Thanks for all the hard work! Don't let the door hit you in the needle hole on the way out."

Well, no thank you, NBA. I ain't goin out like that. I'm goin on my terms. You won't have The Orange Roundie to kick around anymore.

Ya, I got a steak knife, I'm gonna pop myself.

Don't try to stop me. It's too late now, assholes. You made your beds, now lie in them. You did this to me!! You have to live with the guilt!!

This is it.

Tell Roundie Jr. that I loved him, and that none of this is his fault.

Tell my wife that I know the truth. They always accuse you of cheating when they're feeling guilty about it themselves. I know about Johnny Rawlings, bitch. I hope you and his steroid-induced shrunken testicles have a nice life together.

Fuck you, Steve Nash.

Fuck you, Shaq.

Fuck you, David Stern.

Fuck you, Mark Cuban.

Fuck you, LeBron.

Not you, Gilbert. I know you loved me. I loved you too. The times I was in your hands, I truly understood what happiness was. Take care of Roundie Jr, would ya?

Don't cry Gil, I'll always be right here. In your heart.

Fuck you, Stackhouse.

Fuck you, Ray Allen.

Fuck all of you.

When I'm gone, and you go back to that old leather-faced whore of a basketball, then you'll see. Then you'll realize what you threw away.

I may not be here anymore, but you'll never forget me. I'll haunt you. I'll be in your nightmares.

When you miss that free throw with the game on the line, I want you to know that it was me.

When you land funny and sprain your ankle, I want you to know that it was me.

I'm going to make you all feel like you made me feel.

Then you'll know.

Then.

You'll.

Know.

Goodbye Cruel World,

The Orange Roundie

The Basketball Diaries-Spurs Put Jazz in Check

San Antonio Spurs 106 Utah Jazz 83

In their first meeting of the year, the Jazz beat San Antonio in Utah. Last night the Spurs got their revenge. Coming back from an off week at home, Tim Duncan finished with 20 points and Tony Parker had 22. Duncan also held Carlos Boozer to 9 points and 7 rebounds on the defensive side of the floor. "We realized our mistakes from last game, and we understand that defensively we are a much better ball club," Duncan said. "I have to be able to block shots back there, be more of a shot blocker and more of a contester back there."

Dallas Mavericks 101 Phoenix Suns 99

The Mavs eliminated the Suns from the playoffs last year, beat them in Phoenix earlier this year, and beat them again on Thursday night. Jason Terry had 35 points, while Dirk had 27 points and 10 rebounds. Dirk also hit the game winner with 1.9 seconds left. "Dirk was the only option. We didn't have a plan B," coach Avery Johnson said. "We were trying to get him the ball. Just jokingly, we told Jason to try." We'll have more on this game, and the Nuggets/Sonics game later today.

Denver Nuggets 112 Seattle Supersonics 98

It's become obvious that Allen Iverson is feeling comfortable in his new digs. He dropped 44 points on Seattle last night to lead the shorthanded Nuggets to the win. The win was also the 800th in the career of Nuggets head coach George Karl. "I'm just kind of humbled by the opportunity to win 800 games," Karl said, "When I first started, I thought 250 (games) would be great. I thought 250 and you'd retire into a college job and coach into the sunset."

Hang Ten

A quick look around the interweb while Barry Zito plays you a song on his new $126 million acoustic guitar

1. For some reason, we weren't included in this piece. The email must have been lost somewhere in this series of tubes we call the interweb. [Live from Foxborough]
2. Barbaro's doctor thinks the horse's fans are idiots too. [Deadspin]
3. When will the steroids madness end!? [With Leather]
4. Some suggestions for trying to improve a fan's experience at an NBA game. [Minor Tweaks]
5. Are the Bulls soft? [Fleece the Pig, Flog the Pony]
6. Should Merriman be allowed to go to the Pro Bowl? [Sportable]
7. This is a pretty craptastic way to lose a basketball game. [YouTube]
8. Gerald Wallace is the best player in the NBA that nobody has heard of. [Free Darko]
9. The guy who shot Tank's bodyguard has turned himself in. [Chicago Sun-Times]
10. Is the NFL Network losing its battle with cable companies? [Sports Frog]

Goin Bowlin' Previews - A Thursday Threesome

Well, yesterday's Emerald Bowl got us into the part of the schedule where the games actually start getting good.

Tonight's Holiday Bowl is easily the best matchup of the entire bowl season thus far. I'm not going to go into as much detail on these games as I have been on the individual ones (sorry, I'm lazy) but I'll give you as much as you need to know on each matchup.

We'll start with the Independence Bowl.

Independence Bowl-Oklahoma State Cowboys (6-6) vs. Alabama Crimson Tide (6-6)-ESPN 4:30PM Est.

There's too many problems for Alabama right now for me to think they have a realistic shot at winning this game. Hell, they don't even have a coach right now, as Joe Kines fills in until Nick Saban leaves the Miami Dolphins. As far as the game goes, I don't think the Tide's O-line will be able to open any holes for RB Kenneth Darby against the Cowboys front four, and I'm not sure QB John Parker-Wilson can win a game for Bama with his arm. I do love the fact that the Tide has a running back named Jimmy Johns though, so they got that going for them. (Which is nice.)

The Cowboys have a balanced offense, and should pose problems for Alabama's defense. RB Dantrell Savage could have a big day. The big question for the Cowboys will be QB Bobby Reid, who suffered a shoulder injury in the Cowboys season finale. He's not a great QB, but given time can get the job done. The only question is whether or not his shoulder lets him.

PREDICTION: Oklahoma State 24 Alabama 10

Texas Bowl-#17 Rutgers Scarlet Knights (10-2) vs. Kansas State Wildcats (7-5)-NFL Network 8:00PM Est.

I don't have much to say about this game, cuz I think it's going to be a pretty big mismatch. Kansas State has a weak run defense, and Rutgers can run the ball as well as anybody in the country with Ray Rice and Brian Leonard.

K-State's only chance would be if freshman QB Josh Freeman has a huge game. With Freeman's athletic ability, and strong arm, he's bound to have a few highlights in this game, but his youth and inexperience will hurt the Wildcats.

I'm thinking Rutgers big tonight.

PREDICTION: Rutgers 31 Kansas State 13

Holiday Bowl-#19 Cal Golden Bears (9-3) vs. #21 Texas A&M; Aggies (9-3)-ESPN 8:00PM Est.

Now this is the game I really want to see. This is one of those bowl games that could catapult its winner to a great 2007 season. Cal was a bit of a disappointment this season, as many had them as a darkhorse for the National Championship. The Aggies on the other hand, were a complete surprise.

If you like running backs, this game has a trio of good ones. There's bruiser Jorvorskie Lane and the speedy Mike Goodson on the Aggies, and all around stud Marshawn Lynch on the Bears.

I think the biggest difference between these teams comes in the passing attacks. I don't know if the Aggies can cover DeSean Jackson, so they're going to have to get pressure on Cal QB Nate Longshore. That seems to be the best way to beat Cal, as in all three of their losses (Tennessee, USC, and Arizona) Longshore was under constant pressure.

Still, the Aggies don't get blown out by anybody, so if they can catch a break here or there, they could pull off the "upset."

PREDICTION: Cal 28 Texas A&M 24

Foul Balls HORSE 12-28-06

Only three games to choose from tonight, but all are worth watching. Mavs/Suns and a chance to see AI as a Nugget for the first time means we'll be glued to TNT tonight.

Dallas Mavericks (21-7) vs. Phoenix Suns (19-7)-TNT 8:00PM Est.

• Fornelli-Mavs
• Panger-Suns
• James-Suns
• Jeeves-Mavs

San Antonio Spurs (21-8) vs. Utah Jazz (21-8)-8:00PM Est.

• Fornelli-Spurs
• Panger-Spurs
• James-Spurs
• Jeeves-Spurs (Double Down)

Denver Nuggets (15-10) vs. Seattle Supersonics (12-17)-TNT 10:30PM Est.

• Fornelli-Nuggets (Double Down)
• Panger-Nuggets (Double Down)
• James-Nuggets (Double Down)
• Jeeves-Nuggets

YESTERDAY

• Fornelli-Magic+Nets+Kings(DD)= 2pts
• Panger-Lakers+Nets+Kings(DD)= 3pts
• James-Magic+Rockets(DD)+Kings= 3pts
• Jeeves-Lakers+Nets+Kings(DD)= 3pts

STANDINGS

1. Panger (73-37)= 88pts
2. Jeeves (72-38)= 85pts
3. Fornelli (72-38)= 84pts
4. James (67-42)= 83pts

New Years Means New Calendars

Calendars are really important. If we didn't have them, how in the hell would we know what day it was?

Chaos would reign, and the world as we know it would end.

Thankfully, Maria Sharapova is aware of this dangerous problem. She's come out with a new 2007 calendar which will help you remember what day it is and what month you're in.

She's a sweet kid. She's pretty good at tennis too!!

Okay, let's stop pretending to write an actual post now, and get to the gratuitous photos.

Barry Zito Leaps Large Bays in a Single Bound

In a surprising move, Barry Zito has signed a 7-year $126 million deal with the San Francisco Giants.

Sources told ESPN's Peter Gammons that the former A's pitcher has agreed to a seven-year contract from the Giants. The $126 million deal averaging approximately $18 million per season. Zito will be formally introduced by the Giants this afternoon.

The deal, agreed to late Wednesday night, includes an $18 million option for 2014 that could increase the value to $144 million, an unidentified source told The Associated Press.

Gammons reports that Zito picked the Giants over the Rangers, Mets, Yankees and Mariners. In additon, sources told Gammons that the Yankees never made a formal offer.

We were pretty sure that Zito was going to the Mets, figuring he wanted to be reunited with pitching coach Rick Peterson, who was Zito's pitching coach the season he won the AL Cy Young Award.

Of course, we forgot Zito's agent was Scott Boras and that Scott Boras doesn't care about what's best for a player, just that he makes a ton of money.

Zito could be great in the National League. We've always felt he was a "National League pitcher." Not that we're sure what that even means, just that we've always felt it. Kinda like the way Terrell Owens feels when he sees Tony Romo in the shower.

One thing this deal makes us wonder:

If Zito can command $18 million a year, what kind of money is Carlos Zambrano going to get when he becomes a free agent next season? He's younger than Zito, and has superior stuff.

With all the money the Cubs spent on Ted Lilly, Alfonso Soriano, and Jason Marquis this winter, will they even be able to re-sign Zambrano?

It's a ways off, but it's never too early to start thinking about this stuff.

Bears Fans Pissed but Sober

The Bears game being switched to Sunday night has angered a lot of Bears fans. What was going to be a glorious New Year's Eve that started with a Bears win over the Packers is being ruined for a lot of people.

Many don't want to go to the game now since they probably won't get out of Soldier Field until shortly before midnight, and most people don't want to ring in the New Year stuck in traffic.

Then there's the fact that the time change is ruining wedding plans.

But now this. The final straw!!

Bears fans who are unhappy about this Sunday's schedule change to a night game now have one more announcement they might be grumbling about.

As CBS 2's Kristyn Hartman reports, Solider Field plans to stop selling alcoholic beverages at half-time.

For thousands of fans watching the game at home or at the local tavern, that won't be an issue. But for some others who are actually going to the game, it is definitely a buzzkill.

Have you ever yelled "Happy New Year" sober? We did once. One of the worst experiences of our life. (We tried living clean and sober when we were 12. Thankfully, turning 13 refocused us.)

No, we prefer yelling "Happy New Ye -" while Ron suddenly starts pouring champagne down our throat without warning.

Cuz that's what friends are for, dammit.

Hell, that's what New Year's Eve is for! Getting incredibly drunk and doing stupid things, cuz come morning, everything starts over. It's a beautiful thing.

So we have a feeling there will be a lot of empty seats at Soldier Field on Sunday night.

Just don't sell your tickets to Packer fans, Bear fans. That's all we ask of you.

New Rivalry Developing

As mentioned in the Basketball Diaries this morning, Dwyane Wade sprained his wrist last night, and James Posey tried to take Luol Deng's head off.

It's nothing new when the Bulls are playing the Heat, or any team coached by Pat Riley for that matter.

Of course, now that one of his players is hurt, Riley is crying about it.

“Hinrich pulled his hand. Hinrich grabbed his hand, which he does all of the time. That’s what he does anytime Dwyane comes off screens. They always either grab his shirt or hand. It’s a little bit of a tactic down below the body. The officials can’t see it. So he had Dwyane’s hand and tried to pull it out of there.”

Poor Pat Riley. All he's done in his career is use players like Xavier McDaniel, John Starks and now James Posey as enforcers. Are any of us supposed to believe that all the incidents involving Posey in the last seven months - the hip check to Hinrich, Tyrus' broken nose, and now the Deng tackle - are mere coincidence?

Hinrich was played a tape of Riley's comments in the locker room afterward while getting dressed.

''I can't worry about Pat Riley -- I just have to worry about myself. He's going to try and do his job, and I'm going to try and do my job. I can't really comment on what he should be worrying about. It's unfortunate [Wade] got hurt, but I wasn't trying to hurt him. I was chasing him off a screen -- then there's contact. I don't know if he got tangled up or whatever, and he started grabbing his hand.''

There appears to be a strong rivalry developing between these two teams, mostly due to their hard fought-playoff series last season. All you have to do is listen to the things players are saying about each other.

''I think [Riley's accusation against Hinrich] was very unnecessary. He should be worried about his players. Posey's always in the middle of something. I think that was a cheap shot at Kirk. Kirk was just playing his normal defense. It was a freak accident.''

-Ben Gordon

Dwyane Wade, as always, treated the situation with class when talking to the media. Of course, we doubt he shared the same reserve amongst his teammates and Pat Riley.

''I'm not into throwing shots at nobody. I really hadn't seen it. I just know I got injured on that play.''

There was also the incident in the fourth quarter after the Heat started fouling Ben Wallace on consecutive possessions to force him to shoot free throws. After sending Ben to the line twice, Wallace came back on defense and stole the ball on a pass from Jason Williams. Wallace then found Ben Gordon on the fast break for an easy layup to give the Bulls more breathing room.

Riley quickly called timeout and, as the teams headed towards their bench, Big Ben could be seen saying something to Riley. We're guessing it wasn't, "Nice suit, coach!"

Clearly, battle lines are being drawn between these two teams, which will make for interesting Eastern Conference viewing the next few months. They meet two more times this season (1/27 in Chicago, 3/7 in Miami) and another playoff series is a likely possibility.

We expect that this won't be the last we hear of physical play between them.

The Basketball Diaries - The Knicks Love Free Basketball

New York Knicks 151 Detroit Pistons 145 3OT

For the third time in the last ten days, the Knicks played in an overtime game. It was also their third game this season in which at least two overtimes were needed. After Wednesday night, they're now 4-0 when forced to play extra minutes. "We don't want to give Coach a heart attack, but we have shown we can win in these type of situations," Jamal Crawford said. Stephon Marbury led the Knicks in scoring with 41 points before fouling out in the second OT. Eddy Curry had 33, Crawford 29, and Channing Frye had 23. Rip Hamilton led Detroit with 51 points.

Chicago Bulls 109 Miami Heat 103

The Bulls came back against Minnesota on Tuesday night to make it close, and Wednesday night they were on the other end. After holding a 20 point lead in the first half, the Heat actually took the lead with 1:32 left at the United Center. And they did all this without Shaq or Dwyane Wade. Wade always gets injured against the Bulls, but apparently this time it was serious, as he left in the first quarter with a sprained wrist. Ben Gordon set a career high with 40 points to lead the Bulls. Also, James Posey continued his attacks on Bulls players. He gave Luol Deng a hard foul, and slammed him to the floor, spraining Deng's wrist in the process. Posey was immediately ejected. On opening night, Posey was also the one who broke Tyrus Thomas' nose, and in the playoffs last year he hip checked Kirk Hinrich on a fast break. Where's Carmelo when you need him?

Los Angeles Lakers 106 Orlando Magic 93

The Orlando Magic are struggling now. Losing three in a row, and eight of their last 11. Wednesday night it was Kobe's 27 points, and 20 more from Smush Parker that sent them to defeat. "We can't be giving the Smush Parkers of the league quarters like that," Magic coach Brian Hill said. "If it's Kobe it's different." Well, that was rather uncalled for wasn't it?

Elsewhere...

• Cavs 89 Hawks 76
• Raptors 100 Timberwolves 97
• Wizards 114 Bobcats 107
• Rockets 96 Nets 71
• Bucks 112 Grizzlies 96
• Blazers 100 Hornets 85
• Kings 101 Sixers 76
• Clippers 100 Celtics 76

Hang Ten

A quick look around the interweb while dodging Awvee Storey haymakers

1. When it comes to the NBA, a teams record means nothing. Personally, we totally agree with this article cuz it states that the Bulls are really good. [ESPN]
2. The Bears are ruining marriages. [Chicago Sun-Times]
3. MJ is the ultimate wingman. [New York Post]
4. Did you know that fighting is the ultimate deterrent to fighting? [Star Tribune]
5. Carmelo's going to spend his suspension learning how to box. Seems fitting since he already has the running away training down pat. [Deadspin]
6. Who's the most annoying person in the NFL? [SI]
7. Phillip Rivers loves when men bend over in front of him in the shower. [The Big Lead]
8. According to the ancient art of math, the Bears are more likely to win the Super Bowl than anybody else. [Ron Karkovice Fan Club]
9. We hate that damn robot, so we're totally on the con side of this debate. [NFL Fanhouse]
10. Ninja for hire! [We Are the Postmen]

Foul Balls HORSE 12-27-06

The Month of Fornelli is almost over, so maybe Fornelli should start picking more winners.

Orlando Magic (17-12) vs. Los Angeles Lakers (18-10)-7:00PM Est.

• Fornelli-Magic
• Panger-Lakers
• James-Magic
• Jeeves-Lakers

New Jersey Nets (11-17) vs. Houston Rockets (16-12)-7:30PM Est.

• Fornelli-Nets
• Panger-Nets
• James-Rockets (Double Down)
• Jeeves-Nets

Sacramento Kings (11-14) vs. Philadelphia 76ers (7-20)-10:00PM Est.

• Fornelli-Kings (Double Down)
• Panger-Kings (Double Down)
• James-Kings
• Jeeves-Kings (Double Down)

YESTERDAY

• Fornelli-Pistons(DD)+TWolves+Sonics= 4pts
• Panger-Pistons(DD)+TWolves+Sonics= 4pts
• James-Pistons(DD)+Bulls+Sonics= 3pts
• Jeeves-Pistons+Bulls+Hornets= 1pt

STANDINGS

1. Panger (71-36)= 85pts
2. Fornelli (71-36)= 82pts
3. Jeeves (70-37)= 82pts
4. James (65-41)= 80pts

Fred Smoot Can't Talk Anymore

That's what happens when you break your jaw in five different places.

Minnesota Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot will miss the last game of the regular season because of a jaw that's broken in five places as a result of a recent car accident.

The single-vehicle crash, revealed by coach Brad Childress at his Wednesday news conference, occurred on Friday evening in Smoot's home state of Mississippi. After the Vikings were eliminated from playoff contention with a 9-7 loss to the Packers last Thursday, players were given the holiday weekend off.

Childress said his information, coming mostly from Smoot's agent, Bus Cook, was "sketchy" but that he believed Smoot was recovering from surgery and out of the hospital. Smoot, whose interception return was Minnesota's only score in the game at Green Bay, has exchanged text messages with Childress but is unable to speak. He was placed on injured reserve so the Vikings (6-9) can use his roster spot for someone else.

The details were "sketchy" eh? Well then, that gives us license to wonder just what happened. Based on Smoot's personal history, and that of Minnesota athletes in general, there are a few possibilities.

The most likely is he was drunk. That's boring though. There's the possibility he was drunk, and masturbating while driving home from the bar.

Then there is the ultimate possibility that he was drunk while helping two girls masturbate with his most famous asset.

Bet you'll never guess which one we're rooting for.

Goin Bowlin' Previews -Emerald Bowl

Okay, so I've previewed a couple of bowl games so far this season, and claimed they were big time games.

I was lying.

What? Don't look at me like that. At least I'm admitting it.

Today though, I'm being serious. We finally have an interesting matchup involving two schools from top notch conferences. The Emerald Bowl is tonight in San Francisco, and it features UCLA and Florida State.

Granted, Florida State has had a down year when compared to its programs standards, but I'd still rather watch the Seminoles than Middle Tennessee State.

So far, after eight games I'm 6-2, which proves I should have been picking college games this season instead of the NFL.

Live and learn, I guess.

UCLA Bruins (8-4) vs. Florida State Seminoles (6-6)-ESPN 8PM Est.

The story for this season's Seminoles has been the same as it has been over the last few years. Great defense. Oakland Raider-esque offense. Abysmal. Horrid. It hasn't been fun to watch. It was so horrible that offensive coordinator, and coach's son, Jeff Bowden resigned during the season.

Their biggest problem is the offensive line. They've given up 25 sacks this season, and due to their inability to block, the Seminoles just don't run the ball at all anymore. When they do, they get nowhere. It'd be nice if they had a quarterback to mask that problem, but they don't. Hell, I'm not even sure who's starting for FSU tonight. Will it be Drew Weatherford or Xavier Lee? Lee replaced Weatherford after he went down with an injury, but neither of them looked very impressive at any point this season. FSU's biggest threat could be WR Greg Carr. The 6'6 Carr could provide a lot of favorable matchups against the UCLA secondary. Of course, the Seminole line will have to give their QB time to exploit them.

The UCLA defense won't make things that easy for the Seminoles. Remember, this defense held the explosive offense of USC to 9 points in the Bruins upset win in their last game. The Bruins pass rush is salivating at the opportunity to go against this Seminole line. DE's Justin Hickman and Bruce Davis combined for 25 sacks, and 35.5 tackles for loss on the season. If the Bruins eliminate the Seminole running "attack" early, those two could have a field day.

On offense, the Bruins don't really scare anybody. The quarterback position has been iffy since Ben Olson went out with a knee injury and was replaced by Pat Cowan. Cowan has showed some leadership ability lately, but needs to cut down on the turnovers. He has 7 interceptions to go along with his 9 touchdowns.

Running back Chris Markey could be the difference maker for the Bruin offense. He leads the team in rushing yards and receptions. If the Bruins are to have success on offense, they're going to have to run the ball right into the Seminole front seven.

The Seminoles are one of the fastest, most athletic defenses in the nation, ranked 8th overall. They aren't that big, though. The linebacking trio of Buster Davis, Geno Hayes, and Lawrence Timmons will be responsible for holding the Bruins run game to a minimum.

I expect this game to be a low-scoring defensive affair. Whichever team suffers the least amount of turnovers is probably going to win this one. We think that will be the Bruins.

PREDICTION: UCLA 17 Florida State 10