It Wins Again

When I fell asleep in front of the TV early this morning, Fernando Gonzalez had just broken Roger Federer's serve and led 5-4 in the first set of the Australian Open.

As I drifted out of consciousness, hearing the excited announcers, I was blissfully hopeful: "Finally, someone is here who can defeat that bastard robot."

Then I woke up.

Turns out Gonzalez was just the next in a growing series of tennis hopefuls fed to the Meat Grinder, as the defending champion and proven BOT did it yet again, beating the Chilean in straight sets 7-6, 6-4, 6-4.

"So what," you say, "big deal. Another dumbass tennis match."

Silly fool, don't you see what's happening? You think Federer is human like the rest of us?

A replacement "Federer" BOT is birthed between games.

I don't blame you. He's good at hiding it. The bastard even pretended to care when he crushed yet another of us last night.

But look how badly he feigned joy. Did he cock his fist or do a dance or point repeatedly to members of the crowd or taunt Gonzales New England Patriot-style like real people would?

No, he dropped to his ass and simulated passing a kidney stone. His acting was as bad as David Hasselhoff's in "Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding."

Which is to say, not human.

You don't believe me.

Then consider this: Federer becomes the first man to win a grand slam without losing a set since Bjorn Borg at Roland Garros in 1980.

That's right. Bjorn Borg.

Think about it.