Five Things I Like About Myself: Chicago Bears Super Bowl Edition

For the past few weeks, a new meme has been gathering cybersteam on the web. It's called, "Five Things I Like About Myself" and has traveled from one blog to another to another. Here's the basic premise:

...people are conditioned to be self-deprecating, to avoid bragging, to apologize for our virtues and play up our faults... So here's the challenge: List five things about yourself that you like. Your body, your personality, whatever - five things.

Well, after giving this some hard thought, I came up with my list:

1. I’ve read “Critique of Pure Reason” and WWTDD in the same day.
2. I am capable of impressive self-restraint. For example, I have never pulled out a firearm and shot any of the L.A. assholes who drive Hummers in the left lane doing ten MPH under the speed limit while talking on their cellphones. I merely run them off the road.
3. I can do the Sunday NYT crossword puzzle in ink in less than ten minutes. (In truth, I only get about one-third of the words right. The other ones I just fill in “ABABABABABA” but real quick, so it looks like I’m some kinda friggin’ genius.)
4. I have high standards and would never debase myself for fame or fortune, unless I was certain it would work.
5. I have great tits.

Needless to say, I found this little exercise to be incredibly liberating and self-empowering.

And at that moment, I realized this is exactly what the Chicago Bears need two days before the Big Game. Just the "shot in the arm" necessary to boost their self-esteem and way more effective than South Beach parties with Patron shots, Penthouse pets and lap dances, right? Right?

Fortunately, I have an "in" with the Bears organization, so I was able to pose the quiz to several of the boys. Their responses have come back and I'm pleased to share them with you.

Brian Urlacher: Five Things I Like About Myself

1. I'm considered overrated which in effect means I'm underrated, right, Reggie?
2. Say what you will, I'm the one who got her pregnant. That makes me Lord of the Pants.
3. I possess an unearthly combination of strength and dexterity. For example, I once bench-pressed Paris Hilton with my tongue.
4. I am very self-controlled. Despite the fact I could squeeze the last breath out of Jay Mariotti with just one hand, I haven't. Yet.
5. No one fills out a pair of football pants like me, if ya know what I'm sayin'.

Cedric Benson

1. I am not afraid to speak my mind.
2. I'm not just a gifted athlete, I'm brilliant. You know anyone else could speed read War and Peace during half time of the 2004 Aggie game?
3. I'm better than Thomas Jones.
4. Way better.
5. I am able to contain.... my.... emotions.

Nathan Vasher

1. I can run....
2. ............nnnn....
3. .................nnnnnnn....
4. ........................nnnnnn.....
5. ............................nnnnnnnn.

Lovie Smith

1. Say it loud, I'm black and I'm proud!
2. I have a forgiving nature. (Though seriously, Mom, Dad, what the hell were you thinking, a black male in Texas named Lovie? Fine, you thought I was gonna be a girl and wanted to name me after my aunt. But once you saw the "package," couldn't you have winged it and come up with something like Loveland or Loverford or Luvingston? Did you have to name me after Mrs. Thurston Fucking Howell the Third?)
3. I am thoughtful and temperate. Despite the fact I could instruct Urlacher to squeeze the last breath out of Jay Mariotti with just one hand, I haven't. Yet.
4. I'm not greedy.
5. I'm not stupid.

Tank Johnson

1. I'm a loyal friend.
2. I'm an excellent parent - I don't let my kids near the Uzi's unless they ask politely.
3. I'm capable of learning from my mistakes. For example... aw shit, who am I kidding, The Man's a Bears' fan, I'm untouchable.
4. That's right, I'm Tank. Fuck you with this "five" shit, I can do what I please.

Rex Grossman

1. Duh.... my penis!
2. See number one.
3. See number two.
4. Oh my God, did I just say, "See number two?" Damn, and I'm funny!
5. See number two again!