Inside the Mind of Rex Grossman

If any of you read ESPN the Magazine, you may have run across Rachel Nichols' story on Rex Grossman. In it, she writes about the notebook Rex carries around with him everywhere taking notes and recording his thoughts throughout the day. Well, thanks to one of our sources inside the Chicago Bears, we were able to get our hands on an excerpt from Rex's notebook. What follows is an educational, scary ride into the mind of the man that carries the hopes of a city on his shoulders.

1-4-07 11PM

I hate this fucking journal. I don't see any point in writing it, but my wife, Alison, thinks that this could be a good idea. Everynight she wants me to record my feelings in this thing, and talk about my day. They think it will help me figure out why I keep having these bad games.

I know why I'm having bad games. It's called a hangover, and it's what I get after I'm out all night downing Red Bull and Vodkas all night. Problem fucking solved.

Actually, now that I think about it, the Packers game was the only one I was hungover. I hate when Orton makes me drink Jack Daniels with him. That shit is disgusting.

We were out last Saturday night, and walking around downtown after we left the club, and he had an Uncle Rico moment.

"Hey Rex. How much you wanna bet I can throw a football over them there buildings?"

I took $500 off of him before he gave up and told me it was too cold out for him to get his arm warm enough. Christ, that guy is a fucking idiot, but fun to hang out with. He never even realized we didn't have a football.

So what did I do today?

Well I spent most of the day sleeping at Halas Hall. I was supposed to be watching game film from the Packers, but what the hell do I wanna watch that for? I played like shit. I don't want to watch that. Luckily I brought my DVD of White Chicks and popped that in during the afternoon.

The Wayans Brothers are so funny!! That reminds me, I need to get to a Best Buy and buy Little Man.

After work, I came home. I went and got my bong, and then I got high as hell. Alison doesn't like that I get high so much, but it's the only way I can eat her cooking. That shit's disgusting. God, I miss my mom. Maybe I can move my parents in here for a while.

I don't really have anything else to say, I gotta be up early tomorrow, so I'm just gonna go to bed.


1-5-07 12PM

What the fuck!!? Why can't Alison ever remember to cut the crust off of my PB and J?! Is that too much to ask?

My mom wouldn't have forgotten. She never forgot to cut off her Rexy Pooh's crust.


1-5-07 2PM

I saw Urlacher in the film room and sat down next to him. He told me to "get the fuck away from me before someone sees us together" and then he punched me in the arm.

He's such a kidder.

1-5-07 2:10PM

Holy shit my arm hurts.

1-5-07 3PM

I'm cutting out of here early. This place is boring. I'm gonna go to Best Buy and pick up Little Man, then go home and watch it.

1-5-07 3:30PM

You know why it's awesome being Rex Grossman? Cuz the chick at the checkout of the Best Buy knows who I am, and she totally let me get Little Man for free, that's why. I totally coulda had her if I'd have wanted to.


1-5-07 6PM

Seriously, is it possible for the Wayans to make a bad movie? I mean Little Man is probably as close to comic perfection that any movie could ever hope to achieve. It's pure genius. A midget ex-con fools a couple into thinking he's a baby!! Where do they come up with this stuff!? I'm gonna watch it again.

1-5-07 10PM

The wife loved it too. She may be a horrible cook, but that woman knows comedy. We're gonna go have sex now, then I'm going to sleep.

1-6-07 1PM

Oh man, I love sleeping in on Saturdays. Big plans today. I'm going to smoke a ton of weed, and watch some football. Really need to watch the Seahawks/Cowboys game, cuz we will probably play the winner of that game.

1-6-07 4:30PM

I saw coach and his wife sitting in the seats at the Colts/Chiefs game. I waved and yelled hi, but I don't think he saw me cuz he just sat there. He does that to me on the sidelines sometimes too. I don't ever tell him, but it hurts when he does that.

1-6-07 6PM

You know, Peyton Manning played like ass today, and the Colts still won. This is just more proof that it's not my fault when the team loses. You know what really pisses me off, though? You never hear anything bad about Peyton Manning. All people ever wanna talk about is how horrible I am. But you know what? I'm better than Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is fucking gay. There. I said it.

1-6-07 7PM

After the game, Peyton said that the interceptions were just miscommunication between him and Marvin Harrison, and that they were his fault. He's lying. It's always the receivers fault.

1-6-07 8PM

Even more evidence that I am the greatest quarterback ever!! Both Matt Hasselbeck and Tony Homo are playing like shit too!! I'm better than both of those Carrie Underwood loving homos. Those pussies can't even hold my jockstrap. Am I really supposed to be worried about these teams? I can throw 5 interceptions and we'd beat either of these teams by 35.

1-6-07 10:15PM

I'd feel bad for Tony Homo right now if I didn't hate him so much. I'm gonna go take a rip off the bong, and then I don't know what I'll do. Wanna be up early tomorrow to watch the rest of the games.

1-6-07 11:30PM

Chaos theory describes the behavior of certain nonlinear dynamical systems that under certain conditions exhibit a phenomenon known as chaos. Among the characteristics of chaotic systems is the sensitivity to initial conditions (popularly referred to as the butterfly effect, but not to be confused with that gay ass movie with Ashton Kutcher). As a result of this sensitivity, the behavior of systems that exhibit chaos appears to be random, exhibiting an exponential error dispersion, even though the system is deterministic in the sense that it is well defined and contains no random parameters. Examples of such systems include the atmosphere, the solar system, plate tectonics, turbulent fluids, economics, population growth and the vast variety of dissipative structures.

Systems that exhibit mathematical chaos are deterministic and thus orderly in some sense; this technical use of the word chaos is at odds with common parlance, which suggests complete disorder. A related field of physics called quantum chaos theory studies non-deterministic systems that follow the laws of quantum mechanics.

As well as being orderly in the sense of being deterministic, chaotic systems usually have well defined statistics. For example, the Lorenz system is chaotic, but has a clearly defined structure. Weather is chaotic, but its statistics—climate—is not.

1-7-07 12PM

Ok, so I have no idea where the hell that last entry came from or what it's even about, but I do know this. Tank Johnson sells some great weed. Anyway, the Patriots/Jets game is starting.

1-7-07 2PM

Yet another quarterback that I'm better than. I threw three interceptions to Asante Samuel, and he never returned one for a touchdown. Chad Pennington threw one, and he took it to the house. I think I can throw further with my left arm than Chad does with his right.

1-7-07 3PM

I'm not going to say I'm better than Tom Brady, cuz he has all those Super Bowl rings, but I'm better looking than him.

1-7-07 10PM

Well, the Eagles beat the Giants, so we're definetely playing the Seahawks on Sunday. I still have some game film from when we kicked their ass earlier this season. I was awesome that day. I'm awesome everyday, though. I gotta go into Halas Hall early tomorrow, but after practice Alex Brown is having all of us Gators over to his house to watch the game. I can't believe that fag Chris Leak is going to lead us to a National Championship.

I remember when we were recruiting him, and I took him to this party that some members of the team were throwing. I sent him into a bedroom with three girls, a box of condoms, and some ecstacy. I came back a half hour later to check on them and he was showing the girls pictures of his cats. Seriously. Pictures of his cats. He didn't even notice that two of the girls were making out on the bed behind him. He was totally focused on his fucking cat pictures. And this is the guy that's gonna win a National Championship for my Florida Gators.

1-8-07 10AM

Griese brought me some home made brownies he said his wife made. He was very clear that they were for me and me only. I'm not going to eat them.

1-8-07 6:30PM

Alex won't let me into his house. I'm ringing the doorbell, but nobody is answering. I can see Todd and Ian's cars in the driveway, so I know they're here. But they won't let me in. I know they're only joking around, but seriously, my feelings are hurt. I'm going home to watch the game with Alison.

1-8-07 11PM

Hell yeah Gators!!! National Champs, bitch!! What makes it even sweeter is my dad and grandpa taught me to hate Ohio State while I was growing up cuz they played at Indiana. They wanted me to go to Indiana too, but c'mon, it's fucking Indiana. They suck.

1-9-07 9AM

Thank God I have Tetris on my cell phone or I'd never be able to get through a film session.

1-9-07 1PM

I'd just like it noted that I didn't throw a single interception in practice today. Griese threw two. I'm the awesomest.

1-09-07 9PM

I'm at home watching the Ohio State/Wisconsin basketball game, and I saw Erin Andrews is doing the sideline reporting. There are a lot of rumors going around that we dated while we were at Florida together. I just want to state for the record that the rumors are 100% not true. We never dated. I was dating Alison at the time. We slept together about 20 different times, but we never once went on a date. Half the team could say the same thing though. I'm pretty sure she even slept with coach Spurrier at some point.

I did notice that Erin's breasts have gotten significantly bigger. I think I'm going to have to give her a call next time she's in town.

1-10-07 8AM

I wish I was at home watching Dora right now. I miss the offseason.

1-10-07 11AM

You know what makes practice better? Getting high. That's why I snuck into the bathroom during the morning film session and smoked the joint I brought with me. Have you ever listened to Lovie talk while you were high? It's fucking hysterical.

1-10-07 12PM

Coach Smith brought me into his office to give me the weekly pep talk. Just the typical "you're our guy, we believe in you," stuff he always says. I couldn't stop laughing though, cuz I was high and he sounds funny. I hope he didn't notice.

1-10-07 5PM

Ok, I gotta admit that this journal thing is kinda cool. I don't think it's helping anything, but I like going through it and reading it. I'm pretty cool, and this thing only proves it further. I mean, not only am I the greatest quarterback ever, but it turns out I'm probably the best writer of all time too.

I think I'm gonna keep writing this thing everyday, and then after I retire and get inducted into the Hall of Fame, I'm gonna put out a book. Then I'll go on Oprah. I'll bet you that if I got on her show, I could totally get her to sleep with me. I love Oprah. I Tivo her show everyday, and then watch it when I get home. If I could be any other person for a day, it would be Oprah.