This Weekend Sucked

Some damned holiday that was.

Well, we should clarify that. As far as our actual lives went, the weekend was fine. Had a nice Thanksgiving meal with the family, bonded with our mother over picking NFL games, hell, even went Christmas tree shopping with Silvio and Vu outside of Wrigley Field.

Seriously, there's this dude selling Christmas trees out of a trailer in the McDonalds parking lot across the street from Wrigley Field. If you don't believe us, we have photographic evidence.

What sucked about this weekend was sports.

The Bears lost.

Notre Dame lost.

Our fantasy football team got completely Rumphed by Tony Romo and the Ravens defense.

The Bulls got blown out in Philly, and won in New York, but even they can't win without there being some kind of controversy.

It just sucked.

We have absolutely nothing to be thankful for from the past weekend that involved sports.

It all started on The Day itself.

See, we own a fantasy team with our friend Bill called Swamp Nutz. There are three games left in the season, and we're in the playoff picture. It's just we're the dorks on the outside in serious danger of being cropped out.
Really, our only chance to make the playoffs is to win out.

So by the end of Thursday afternoon, before we'd even settled in for dinner, we found ourselves on the wrong end of a 41-0 score thanks to Mr. Tony Romo.

Five touchdowns!?

You guys couldn't run one in?

It got worse on Sunday, as we faced a Ravens defense that shut out the Steelers while sacking Ben Roethlisberger nine times, and returning an interception for a touchdown.

RIP, SWAMP NUTZ.

On Friday we had to deal with watching the Bulls get embarrassed by the 76ers. Particularly Ben Wallace, who somehow managed to put up a stat line that read 0 points, 0 rebounds. I think that's harder to do than put up a double double. Of course, it didn't help that Big Ben was playing matador defense in the middle as Allen Iverson and the rest of the midget Sixers just drove right to the lane at ease.

The Bulls won on Saturday night but to be fair, it was against the Knicks. The Knicks can make anybody look good. Of course the biggest news of this game the fact Wallace got benched by Scott Skiles for wearing a headband. It's against team rules, apparently.

A stupid rule? Yes. Does that mean it shouldn't be followed? No.

We're beginning to worry that Ben Wallace may be entering the Chris Webber Zone of NBA basketball. You know, the one where you play like a superstar for years, get that really big contract, and then just chill.

It doesn't look like Ben really cares, and to be quite honest, this team appears to be at its best when Malik Allen is playing center. Yes, that last sentence is the equivalent to a white woman saying, "I just feel so safe in O.J.'s arms."

Of course, the real pain of this torturous holiday weekend occurred in the L.A. Coliseum. We prayed to Touchdown Jesus but TJ just did not care. We have been forsook. Apparently TJ didn't get our message cuz he was too busy checking out the USC Song Girls and coeds in the crowd. (Not that we can blame him, really. Seriously, is there an unattractive girl in the entire school?)

All night we were forced to watch John David Booty (whose name would make you expect him to be some kind of serial killer/porn star) play catch with Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith. As if we didn't have enough reasons to hate receivers from USC named Steve Smith. We have to wonder, is there anybody in the Notre Dame secondary with a faster time in the 40 yard dash than us? How slow can they be?!

The real knife in the stomach: if Arkansas had lost on Friday, the Irish had beaten USC Saturday night, and Arkansas beat Florida in the SEC Championship next Saturday, the Irish could have been playing Ohio State in the BCS title game, not Michigan. Even though Michigan destroyed them earlier in the season at Notre Dame. Oh, how we would have loved that. We'd have loved it so much that we wouldn't have cared that Ohio State would likely beat our Irish 69-2, at least we'd have stuck it to Michigan.

Then finally, Sunday. The coup de grâce. The Bears lost to New England 17-13 in a game they could have won pretty easily.

Anytime you can force the New England Patriots to commit five turnovers, three of which in the red zone, you should win the game, right?

Nope. Instead the Bears decided it would be more fun to just give the ball right back to them. Is there a play in the Bears playbook that doesn't involve Rex Grossman just flinging the ball downfield to Bernard Berrian?

We can't tell. That's all we seem to remember from this game.

The good news is that even though we lost, we can deal with it. A couple of weeks ago we saw the Bears coming out of this road trip 1-2, but instead we got 2-1. It just would have been nice to beat New England so we wouldn't have to deal with all the crap that we're going to hear about Rex Grossman now.

What you won't hear? Well, you'll read and hear all about how the Patriots are starting to get all their stuff together, but you won't hear a damn thing about how they committed five turnovers. Nope, everything they do is perfect.

"Brady's interceptions were tipped by his receivers."

Yes, and maybe if he wasn't overthrowing them they wouldn't have to reach up like that to try and catch the ball.

Whatever, we're just bitter.

Thank God it's Monday.

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