An Interview with White Sox GM Ken Williams

The White Sox are not going to the playoffs to defend their title this season and I must admit, I'm a little bitter. I'm also incredibly depressed. Everyday when I change my socks, and put on a freshly washed pair of new white ones, I burst into tears.

It's hard.

I've dedicated a lot of my year to supporting this team, a lot of my time telling everybody how we were the greatest team in the history of team sports. A lot of time going up to my Cubs fan friends and gloating like a moronic childish ignoramus.

Now I'm left with a sour taste in my mouth, and many unanswered questions.

The most important: How did this happen?

I needed answers so I decided to call the only person who could truly tell me what went wrong and why. Unfortunately, Jay Mariotti wouldn't return any of my calls.

Then I called Ozzie Guillen and got a hold of him. I even interviewed him, but I couldn't understand a single god damn word he said.

So finally I called Sox general manager Ken Williams. After a little bit of groveling and flirting I finally got him to talk to me. Don't believe me? Here's a picture I took of Kenny talking to me on his cell phone.

Told you.

Foul Balls: Hi Kenny, thanks for taking the time to talk to us.

Ken Williams: Not a problem, it's a pleasure.

FB: Let's get right to it. I'm devastated by this season. What happened?

KW: Well, I'll tell you right off the bat, I feel your pain. Nobody is more hurt by what happened this season than me. That said, I feel there's nowhere else to place the blame than on my shoulders. It was my job to get the players we needed to repeat as champions, and I thought I did that. I was wrong.

FB: Wow, what a stand-up guy. Still, it can't all be your fault can it? Last week Ozzie said it was all his fault. How can you both be 100% to blame? I may have failed third grade math five times but that seems mathematically unpossible to me.

KW: Five times? Damn.

FB: My teacher had it out for me. She totally wanted to sleep with me but I was dating Andrea Weaver at the time, and I'm a one woman man.

KW: I see.

FB: Ya, actually it brings up painful memories, how 'bout we just get back to the "blame" math?

KW: Well, I appreciate what Ozzie said but it's his job to manage what I give him, and he did it to the best of his abilities. I'm just going to have to do a better job of giving him the talent.

FB: Don't the players fall into the equation somewhere? I mean, except for Jon Garland and Bobby Jenks, the pitching staff was awful this season.

KW: Jose Contreras had a pretty good season, but had some rough spots. I can't blame the players, they did the best that they could.

FB: If there was anything you could have changed from last offseason what would it be?

KW: I don't know, that's a tough question. I don't think I made any bad moves. Jim [Thome] had a spectacular season - he gave us what we asked for and more. Javier Vazquez struggled a bit but you'd be hard pressed to find a #5 starter better than him. That said, I really wish I could have done more for the bullpen but after the seasons they had last year, I couldn't know that Cliff Politte and Neal Cotts would struggle so much.

FB: While we're on the subject, here's a list of players gone from last season's team. Frank Thomas, Carl Everett, Willie Harris. What do these three have in common?

KW: They're no longer on the White Sox?

FB: True but not what I was going for. Let me put it this way. Jermaine Dye is the only black player on the team. Just what is it that makes you hate black people so much?

KW: Excuse me!?

FB: Why do you hate black people? You got rid of Frank, Carl and Willie; all three are black. The only black guy you kept, Jermaine Dye, felt that he had to go out and have an MVP caliber season just so you wouldn't get rid of him this offseason. Why, Kenny? Why?

KW: First of all, if you didn't notice, I'm black.

FB: I didn't notice sir, for I am color blind and love all people. Even those god forsaken Canadians.

KW: That's great, but I also got rid of Aaron Rowand, and Geoff Blum. They aren't black.

FB:Nice try but Blum was only on the team for a few months, and we all know that Aaron Rowand is down with the brown, if you know what I mean.

KW: I have absolutely no idea what you mean. Listen, I'm not racist, and the fact that you think I am tells me that you're a jackass.

FB: Okay, fine. For the sake of this interview, I'm willing to pretend that you don't hate black people. Happy?

KW: I DON'T HATE BLACK PEOPLE!!

FB: I know, and neither does George Bush. Since we're so busy playing in the land of make believe I have a new idea. Let's pretend that I'm another GM and I'm calling you to make a trade offer. Tell me if you'd take the deal.

KW: Okay.

FB: Hi, Kenny! It's me John Q General Manager from the Bumfuck Fucktards. I was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about Scott Podsednik?

KW: Whatcha got?

FB: I'll offer you (C-grade minor league reliever), a half eaten box of Nilla Wafers and a Revenge of the Nerds DVD. Whaddya say?

KW: You're kidding, right?

FB: No, I'm serious. An actual DVD copy of Revenge of the Nerds. Still in the original plastic.

KW: No deal.

FB: What!? C'mon Ken, he sucked ass this season. Nobody wants him back, you should consider yourself lucky to even get that offer.

KW: Scott Podsednik would be a valuable player for a lot of organizations.

FB: Are you kidding? Isaiah Thomas wouldn't trade for that shithead. Okay, next player. Freddy Garcia. I got a Jugs pitching machine and an ounce of the stickiest of the icky for ya. You can keep the weed or give it to Freddy as a going away present. Whaddya say?

KW: I say this interview is over.

FB: Are we still on for dinner tomorr - (click)

And just like that....he was gone.