The NFL:It's Getting Ugly

There's a disturbing trend going around the NFL these days. Apparently, there has been a league-wide mandate that all new uniforms be ugly as shit.

Just look at all the new uniforms this season. The one thing they have in common?

Ugly.

Even the god damn referees are getting in on the act.

What the hell are they thinking? Did Hochules demand a new top that accentuates his bulging biceps? Are they worried that the new blinding jerseys will render them invisible?

So far no team has gotten Oregon Ducks ugly, but I fear that with the direction the league is heading, it won't be long until the mountain top is reached.

So I've decided to rate the five ugliest uniforms in the NFL. Hopefully by bringing this to the attention of the leagues and teams, maybe someone will make them stop.

5. Seattle Seahawks

Now admittedly, the Seahawks jerseys aren't THAT ugly. Like their superstar Shaun Alexander, though, they're incredibly boring. The Seahawks and their fans can blame the officiating all they want for their loss in the Super Bowl but the fact is, no team looking that stupid should ever be allowed to win anything. Not even $1,000,000 from Publishers' Clearing House. And what's with that stupid lime green stripe? What purpose does it serve, to give the boring blue on blue pattern some pizazz? (Did I just type "pizazz"? I guess when you're critiquing uniforms you might as well get as gay as possible.) Still, compared to the next four teams, the Seahawks uniforms are refreshing.

4. Buffalo Bills

Is it just me or does it look like whoever was hired to design these things just sat around his apartment all day smoking pot, passed out, woke up with like an hour 'til his deadline, then sketched 'em up in his cab on the way to the meeting? These jerseys also feature one of the more annoying new trends: the big stripe up the side of the jersey top. Why the hell do all new jerseys have that? Are they hoping it will make the lineman look slimmer? Wanna know why the Bills had such a shitty year in 2005? Cuz before every game their players had to look in the mirror and how can anybody play well when they know they look so stupid?

3. Minnesota Vikings

Last night's game between the Vikings and Raiders represented more than just the first Monday Night Football game on ESPN or Randy Moss' return to Minnesota. It also served as the unveiling of the Vikings new jersey. Repugnant. It's clear that these new uniforms are the NFL's punishment for the sex boat fiasco last season. There's no way Fred Smoot can get any action dressed this horribly. Nobody can. Did Prince design these fucking things?

2. Cincinnati Bengals

Wanna know why every single Bengal was getting arrested offseason? They were hoping they'd be in prison so they could wear these instead of the monstrosity they call a uniform. These things literally look like somebody put an actual Bengal tiger into a woodchipper, put its remains into a bucket, poured them out on a white canvas, washed out all the blood and threw on some numbers.

1. Green Bay Packers

Ugliest uniforms of all time. Anytime your team's colors are the same as the Bishop Don Magic Juan's, you're in trouble. Of course, one has to consider that the team plays in a state full of men who wear foam cheese wedges on their heads and consider Wisconsin women attractive, so it's obvious taste is in short supply. When the Packers finally do get new jerseys it could be catastrophic. After all they aren't too far from Oregon Duck territory as it is. Put one of those side bar stripes on them and you're 80% of the way there.