FTW

So, our World Cup dreams were shattered this morning after a 2-1 loss to Ghana.

Was anyone really surprised?

Let's face it, the U.S. sucks at soccer. There's been a campaign here for years trying to get Americans into it but it hasn't worked yet and it never will. The sport just isn't tailored to the American fans' sensibilities.

It's too slow, it's low scoring... face it, to us it's just plain boring.

We already have baseball, football, basketball and an entire cadre of other sports to fill our time. We need to stop embarrassing ourselves on a global level every four years.

It's time we cut ourselves loose of this sport. In fact, let's get rid of it all together. Ban it. There should be a federal law passed that bans soccer in all its forms in the United States.

I'm sure that with enough motivation the Bush administration can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that playing soccer helps fund Al-Qaeda and other terrorist groups.

And if you want motivation, just look at where we stand in the eyes of the world. Anyone who has watched an actual US game this World Cup has witnessed the disdain of our European counterparts. Why give them more fodder to sling?

See, we're the real nerdy kid that the cool kids invite to the big kegger on Friday night for no other reason than to make fun of him and probably beat him up. So let's just stay home and play some Dungeons and Dragons with our other nerdy friends.

Screw the cool kids.

It's not just soccer, either.

Major League Baseball started the World Baseball Classic this year. Our national pastime and we couldn't even win that.

Hell, we didn't even get to the second round.

Over and over again we embarrass ourselves on the global sport platform.

But we Americans are so full of ourselves that we really don't need the rest of the world anyway. So let's just pretend they aren't even there.

Let's ditch the Olympics too. We already know we're better, so why give them a chance to shatter our fragile egos?

We'll start our own. Call them the Microsoft (or whoever the hell wants to sponsor them) Olympics and have each of our fifty states - and maybe Puerto Rico if they're game - form their own teams in the same events.

I mean, do you really get pumped up when you see Shaun White win the Snowboarding gold over some Norwegian? Who the hell cares about Norway? Half our population probably can't even tell you where it is.

But beating a rival state, now that would be something. If you're from New York, wouldn't you want to revel in your recent victory over New Jersey in beach volleyball?

What's the point of being better than someone if they aren't around for you to constantly remind them? Next time I'm out and I run into somebody from Indiana or Michigan or Wisconsin, I want to be able to puff up my chest and elocute on the superiority of Illinois basketball:

"Congratulations on your big win over Wyoming. That must have been tough. Excuse me while I go sleep with my trophy."

Am I the only one excited by the possibilities here?

Screw the cool kids party, let's throw our own. One with more kegs and better looking girls with looser morals.