Tank Johnson Is Not Happy With The Redskins

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Bring In Orton

What the hell can I say about the Chicago Bears I haven't already complained about this season? Did anything happen in last night's 24-16 loss that surprised you?

It wasn't the first time you saw Rex Grossman limp off of a football field.

It wasn't the first time you saw a Bears running back run up his offensive line's ass and fall down.

It wasn't the first time you saw the Bears offensive line kill a drive by repeatedly committing false starts.

It wasn't the first time you saw somebody you never heard of look like a Pro Bowler against this Bears defense. (Collins to Yoder!?)

It wasn't the first time you saw the Bears defense allow a team to march right down field and score when they needed a stop.

The only thing that happened last night that we haven't seen before was Adam Archuleta made a play. He sniffed out a screen pass and made a tackle for negative yardage. Just for that, when I run into Archuleta on the street I'm going to fire a warning shot.

If there was anything good to be taken from the game last night it's that Ron Turner finally figured out that Devin Hester can run a slant as well, and that Garrett Wolfe has a use as a receiver out of the backfield.

Other than that, there isn't much positive to take into the rest of the season.

The Bears are done. They aren't mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, but since both Jessica Alba and I are alive, I'm not mathematically eliminated from ever having sex with her. It doesn't mean it's going to happen, though I like my chances better than the Bears right now.

It's also likely that Rex Grossman is done for the year, even if there isn't any ligament damage to his knee. What would be the point of bringing him back this season for the Bears? As of right now they're in a perfect position to sign Rex to a very cheap deal to compete for the quarterback job next season.

So the only logical choice the Bears can really make now is to give Kyle Orton the starting job. There's no point to starting Brian Griese because everybody knows he isn't the future of this team, and they already know what he can do.

Orton wasn't spectacular when he filled in for an injured Rex during his rookie season, but he did win 10 games as a starter. It's only fair that he be given another chance to lead this team. Is it likely that Orton will step in and become the franchise quarterback the Bears have long looked for?

No, but there's no harm in giving him a shot.

Thankfully the Bears have the next 10 days off, and we don't have to watch them until they face the Vikings on the 17th. Ahh, yes. Another game on national television so the entire country can see how horrible this team is yet again.

Foul Balls

Scott Skiles Always Listens To Me - Okay, so I doubt it's what I wrote yesterday that is what has Skiles considering it, but all that matters is he's considering it.

Skiles has thought about benching Kirk Hinrich lately.

"It's always a possibility," coach Scott Skiles said. "That's the fine line you have to walk, especially when you start to develop a history with players.

"If you've seen players have struggles in the past and seen them work it out and not only work it out but come back and play very, very well, it makes you slow down on any action you want to take.

"But obviously, we're searching for wins right now. We can't ultimately be the team we want to be unless a whole bunch of guys are playing well at the same time."

And even though Hinrich doesn't want to be benched, he wouldn't be all that upset if he was.

"Um, I don't know," he said after the Bulls' short practice at a local college. "I can't tell you that. I don't know if that's going to wake me up. I don't feel like I'm sleepwalking out there. I just feel like I've been struggling. If it does happen, then whatever. I just want to win and play better."

Um, yeah so like, do it, Skiles. If you don't, then whatever, but if you do, then WHATever!

Your Ridiculous Kenny Williams Quote of The Day - Okay, so I'm not going to rip on Kenny for the third straight day. Well, at least I wasn't planning on doing it today, but then Kenny had to go and open his mouth.

First Kenny was dealing with all the negative feelings people have about him, then he was mad about snitches, and now he's just lost his mind apparently. As Williams left Nashville and the winter meetings yesterday, he said something that I'm not sure he can actually believe.

Williams was asked about his feelings on the blockbuster deal the Tigers made that brought Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis to Detroit. His response?

''All this has done is put the Tigers in a better position to contend with us.''

The Tigers needed to be in a better position to compete with us? Haven't they finished higher than us in the division the last two seasons? Shouldn't you be doing something to compete with them, Kenny?

Nobody Wants To Coach Michigan - I thought that as a head coach in college football, there were a few jobs you just can't say no to. If USC, Notre Dame, Texas, and Michigan call, don't you drop whatever you're doing and take the job?

Well first Les Miles scorned Big Blue when LSU came to him at the last minute and gave him a bunch of money to stay in Baton Rouge, and now another coach has used Michigan to get himself a raise.

You thought Greg Schiano was going to leave Rutgers to coach at Michigan? You were wrong!

Two days after flirting with the Michigan job, Rutgers coach Greg Schiano has decided he will stay in New Jersey.

"I was contacted earlier this week about the Michigan coaching vacancy, but I have decided to remove my name from consideration," Schiano said in a statement released by the university Friday. "I look forward to our third straight bowl game and to bringing a national championship to Rutgers and the state of New Jersey. "I will have no further comment."

Think about this for a second. I know college football has changed a bit the last few years, but a guy just turned down Michigan so he could stay at Rutgers. That's fucked up.

Hail To The Skin

Until today, I thought I'd put Redskins tight end Chris Cooley on my fantasy team cuz he went over the 700-yard mark for the past two seasons.

But thanks to this pic (and the wisdom of Lou Piniella), I now must admit the truth:

It's cuz he's dreamy.

Sigh. Forget Portis, Cooley's a keeper.

Thanks (I think) to Mister Irrelevant

Redskins Rookie Sidelined With Blue Balls

Continuing our "Balls Most Foul Theme Week" (including our exclusive video of the Cubs Pie à la node), we have yet more nads in the news.

A paintball shot in the groin left rookie LaRon Landry unable to practice when the Washington Redskins opened their minicamp Friday.

The No. 6 overall pick in this year's draft was injured during a team-building outing Wednesday, when coach Joe Gibbs allowed the players to leave early at the end of the voluntary spring workouts. Some players went bowling or had lunch together, while many of the defensive players went to play paintball.

As a diehard Redskins fan with special connections to the team, I was able to procure a photo taken moments after the accident.

You gotta feel for the poor kid, clutching his chest in pain like that. But fortunately, it's expected Landry will be able to return to camp in a few days.

As usual, coach Joe Gibbs was able to put the mishap in perspective.

"Almost anything can happen in life, so every now and then something like that does happen. It's kind of bizarre."

Almost as bizarre as having someone named Landry playing for the 'Skins.

The Lance Briggs Saga Continues

The newest tidbit on Lance Briggs comes from ESPN's Len Pasquarelli, who reports the Redskins are ready to make an offer for the linebacker. The deal would essentially consist of the Skins sending the Bears their first round pick (#6 overall) for Briggs and the Bears first rounder (#31 overall).

The deal would be contingent upon the Redskins agreeing to a long-term deal with Briggs. Drew Rosenhaus thinks the whole thing is just peachy-keen.

"But it's a win-win situation," Rosenhaus said. "Chicago only wants to sign Lance to a one-year contract anyway. If they made the trade, they would move up 25 spots in the first round and be able to choose one of the premier players in the draft. And Lance, obviously, would get the long-term deal he wants [from the Redskins]. It's a good resolution for everyone."

Because if there's anything Drew Rosenhaus knows better than being a greedy, evil little douchebag, it's how to build a football team.

Keep in mind, this deal comes off Rosenhaus' latest claim that Lance would sit out the first 10 games of the season, and then play the final six so that it would count as a year served, and the Bears had to pay him.

Of course, I always equate Rosenhaus' words with the "Bigfoot Saves The World From An Asteroid" headlines I see on the Weekly World News, so I don't take that threat seriously. All the Bears would have to do would be suspend Briggs for a game due to any minor infraction, and it would blow that whole plan up.

Another idea that's been proposed to me comes again from loyal reader and all-around super cool guy Silvio, and that would be trading Briggs to Denver for Al Wilson. The Broncos have been trying to trade Wilson and almost did trade him to the Giants before Wilson reportedly failed his physical.

This idea also ignores that fact that Wilson is a middle linebacker, but Silvio assures me that it doesn't matter. "So he has to move like 5 feet to his right. Big deal."

There's just no way to counter that logic.

Previously on The Balls:

• Lance Briggs Doesn't Care About The Money, He Just Wants More Of It
• Lance Briggs Threatens To Sit Out 2007
• Tagged Super-Baby Threatens To Sit Out Season

The Guiding Light and a Long, Dark Night

"This is a soap opera to its fullest!" New York Giants linebacker Antonio Pierce proclaimed about teammate Tiki Barber's powerhouse performance Saturday night.

Tiki singlehandedly carried his team to a 34-28 victory over the hapless Washington Redskins.

Barber, postponing his broadcasting career by at least one week, carried 23 times for 234 yards and three touchdowns.

"There are certain things that motivate you, push you," Barber said. "It's partly because of the circumstances of this game, my last one. Most important, we had to win to keep playing."

Absent an unlikely confluence of events, the win gets the Giants a post-season playoff berth.

After the game,Giants head coach Tom Coughlin was his usual gracious self. When asked whether he was coaching for his job, Coughlin said, "We won a game, and we got into the playoffs. Is that good enough?" He then slammed a locker door on Eli Manning's hand and retreated into a bathroom stall where he could be heard repeatedly head-butting the toilet seat and screaming, "Respect my authoritah!!!"

Okay, this is the part where we are supposed to dryly recite some statistics about what the Washington Redskins did in the game.

Maybe we can, but dammit, I can't!

This is my team, and they killed me slowly this year.

They weren't even horrible enough to be memorable. When I try to remember this season, one craptastically mediocre game melds into the next and I'm left with a nagging headache and an unexplained urge to wage war on a small, defenseless country. (Note to NFL: consider moving Redskins out of our Nation's Capitol.)

For me, the Redskins are the football equivalent of a really crummy relationship you just can't quite end. You know, one where the the guy's okay, sorta, and you're having a reasonably decent time the first few dates, though he keeps picking kinda cheap restaurants and the conversation's never that interesting but you stick with it cuz all your friends say "he has lots of potential" and then one night when you're out he suddenly doubles over with food poisoning from a bad all-you-can-eat popcorn shrimp and your place is close by and he looks at you with those puppy-dog eyes and next thing you know you you're applying cold compresses to his head while he's puking into your new Pottery Barn leather wastebasket and you leave the room for a minute only to return and discover he's found the remote and is watching "Hitler's Last Days" on The History Channel and sipping ginger ale REALLY loud and belching and you find yourself fantasizing about ways to off him -

(shake it off, Panger, shake it off....)

Late in the fourth quarter, the Redskins rallied. Thanks to Jason Campbell's second touchdown pass of the game with 3:22 to play, they came within six tantalizing points of taking the lead.

When the Giants obliged by squandering three consecutive downs, the Skins regained possession and the chance to win.

We dared to hope.

Silly, silly us.

Campbell proceeded to quickly muff four passes and the Giants took over on downs. Game over.

And with that, Washington ended its season with a 5-11 record.

5-11. Inconceivable.


Joe Gibbs was reflective about his annus horribilis, the worst of his career:

"A long, hard, tough year for us. [Washington Redskins owner] Dan [Snider] and I were in there talking right now. We're going to start with me and him, and spend quite a bit of time together, starting tomorrow. I think I know quite a bit about some of the things I want to do, and some of the things we want to try to
fix."

You know I love you, Joe, but ya think you might have had that discussion, I don't know, three friggin' months ago?

Oh and by the way, that trick play by Randle El... Sweet. Worth every penny of the $8 million signing bonus.

And while we're on the subject, spending a cool two million on Al Saunders and handing him the offensive binder? Man, it sure paid off. Redskins, ranked 15th on offense! Nice work, Al!

And let's not forget, sticking with Mark Brunell weeks after you should have pulled him....Adam Archuleta and Andre Carter... yeah, that helped... helped us rank 30th in the league in defense...

Here. Have some more ginger ale.

What's that, Joe? It tastes bitter, you say?

Just drink it all up.