Asshole Of The Week: Greg from Cleveland

Welcome to Asshole Of The Week, where every Friday your trusty Foul Balls editor picks out the one person from the previous seven days who makes him think, "Man, what an asshole." It could be anybody from an athlete, an owner, someone in the media, or just anybody who happens to catch my ire.

This week's Asshole Of The Week is actually a bit of a hybrid post, because I hear that these hybrids are good for the environment, and since Earth Day was earlier this week, I figure I should do something.

So this one's for you, Earth! I love you, ya big blue bastard.

I call it a hybrid because not only will it feature the biggest asshole I came across this week, but it's also a FanHouse commenter, so it's kind of a "Typing in CAPS LOCK" as well. I met this FanHouse commenter-whose name is Greg, and he's from Cleveland- earlier this week when I wrote a satirical post in which I pretended to be the Cleveland Indians putting out a want ad for a left fielder.

I was inspired by this article I read in Cleveland Morning Journal. It was an article about the platoon the Indians use in left-field having a Major League worst .186. So instead of just taking those stats and recycling it into a post, I decided to do something new. My bosses at FanHouse have been telling me they want me to highlight my retarded sense of humor a bit more, and I thought the want ad would be the perfect way to humorously say that the Indians left-fielders suck.

Well, as with any fan base, there are a few fans who cannot stand when you say their team, or a player on it, sucks. Even if it's obvious to anybody who's paid any amount of attention to that team.

One of those fans was our Asshole Of The Week, Greg in Cleveland, who responded to my post with this.

Have you even watched the Indians yet this year?... Dellucci has actually been one of the most productive hitters on the team in his 35 at-bats. .257 AVG. .395 OB% .429 SLG% 1HR 7 RUNS 4 RBI. In addition he's had a number of hard hit balls recorded for outs. I agree Micheals isn't hitting, but I would at least do some re-search instead of reading somebody else's opinion and literally just playing copy and paste.

First of all, research doesn't need the hyphen. Let's get that straight. Then what's with the ellipses after the question mark in the first sentence? (Christ, I've become Panger) And to answer that question, yeah, they've played the White Sox six times already, of course I've watched them.

Finally, how in the hell am I playing copy and paste? There wasn't an unoriginal word in that article, I didn't even quote anything from the article, I just referenced it with a link. I asked Greg these same things in my own comment, and then informed him that if a .257 average is what he wants out of his left-fielder, good for him. I'm of a different opinion myself.

To which Greg replied,

.257 Avg???? He's a #2 hitter with a .395 OB% at this point. That's setting the table just fine. I guess you forgot to look at the production from places like 3B/RF/etc. because you don't actually follow the team.. Those are spots where we are recieving literally NO production. Instead you recycled someone else's garbage, and didn't look very smart for it. Furthermore my original point wasn't to say Dellucci should be on an all-star team, but that he should be recognized as one of the few players who is playing above expectations.

Yeah, you said yourself, he has a .257 batting average. As for his .395 OBP, he'd had 35 at bats on the season up to that point, do you honestly think a guy with a career .330 OBP is going to maintain that for a season? At 34 years of age?

I don't look very smart? You're the one who can't spell received, and you're the one who's spending his time arguing with a blogger in a comment section over David fucking Dellucci. Not even Dellucci's parents have spent this much time defending their son in his lifetime.

That's when I came up with this witty little response that was sure to shut Greg up.

Apparently I should have titled this post:

Wanted: Cleveland Indians Fan With Sense of Humor

Burn! Oh my God, I am hilarious. Seriously, if there was a Nobel Prize for comedy, I'd have like seven of those things already. Two for the Indians post alone. Still, Greg did not see the humor in my comment.

Never been to Cleveland, Huh? Seriously we hate clueless mainstream media.

You also hate grammar. In English, we don't capitalize the word "huh" unless it's the first word in a sentence. Like when your teacher used to ask you what 5+5 was and you replied, "Huh? I don't know, twelve?"

And clueless mainstream media!? You do realize you're reading a blog, right? Blogs are hardly mainstream media, my friend. We're kinda the anti-mainstream media. Luckily, another commenter named Eggs pointed this out for me.

Mainstream media!? Calling this mainstream media is like calling Pauly Shore an Oscar contender.

Finally, there was another commenter from Cleveland, who also is named Greg. The difference between this Greg and our AOTW Greg is that I like this Greg.

This is another Indians fan, and another Greg. I thought this entry was hilarious, and think the Greg commenting above me is an idiot. That is all...

Thank you, Greg #2. You may be known as Greg #2, but you're #1 in our hearts.

So you would think that this is where the feud would end, but you're wrong. The next day I wrote a post about Indians pitcher Jake Westbrook going on the disabled list, and in it I mentioned how the Indians had called up outfielder Ben Francisco from Triple-A. The reason they called him up? In hopes that he could fill the void out in left field.

This angered OG, Original Greg, greatly. Once again, somebody had to stand up for David Dellucci.

Yup man Dellucci has been brutal....

.289AVG 2HR 6RBI 8R .939 OPS and an OB% over .400 now hitting out of the #2 spot....

Great Indians coverage, you really know this team Fornelli.

Now at the point when Greg wrote the comment, he had seen Dellucci's numbers rise thanks to a strong performance that night. As I noted earlier, he'd only had 35 at bats this season, so one decent night is going to inflate his stats. Of course, this all came 4 hours after I wrote the post when Dellucci still sucked. So in other words, I'm a horrible writer who knows nothing because I can't see the future.

It was at this point where I knew that Greg was going to be the AOTW, and frankly, I wanted nothing more to do with him. So I wrote this comment after his.

Greg,

I don't know if you noticed the time stamp on this post, but it was written before David's 2-for-5 with a homer and 2 RBI performance of Tuesday night.

So I guess you're right, I do a horrible job of covering the Indians in the future.

As for his production so far, if you want to believe that Delluci is going to continue to hit at such a clip, by all means, continue building his wing in the Hall of Fame.

I'm more of the opinion that he's going to regress to the career .260 hitter he's always been. If that kind of production is good enough for you from your left fielder, a traditional power position, then whatever, to each his own.

Finally, if you hate my coverage of the Indians so much, then why the hell do you continue to read me? There are plenty of other places you can get your Indians needs if FanHouse isn't good enough for you.

May I suggest Let's Go Tribe, The Diatribe, Tribe Report or Tribe Treasures? All wonderful blogs that do fantastic jobs of covering the Indians.

Have a nice day,
Tom Fornelli

I'll bet you can't guess what kind of response I got.

First of all don't ever suggest Indians Coverage to me (A thousand pardons, your majesty!) cause you don't know where to even start to look (Yes I do. I just gave you like five fucking examples!). Secondly you look dumb to Indians fans when you write Dellucci's name in this post. (Yes, like that Indians fan in the other post that said you are an idiot. I look dumb to him.) He was hitting when you wrote your last post, and he's hitting now. So when you say there can't be much worse of an option than Dellucci you sound just plain stupid. I'm not asking you to look into the future, just look at the facts before you rip off some other site's opinion. (I used stats. Stats aren't opinions, they're numbers. An opinion is more like "I think Greg in Cleveland is a mongoloid.) The sad thing is how wrong you know you are.....Never mention Dellucci and the HOF (I know you didn't mention it, I was making fun of you and your undying love for him.)...You just seem desparate (despErate. When did I become such a grammar Nazi? Thank God I don't read my own posts.) to get a point across that every moron that watches any baseball already knows. Go save some face with someone who doesnt know any better...

Sorry, man. You're right. You obviously know more about baseball than me, because any real baseball fan knows that it just doesn't get any better than David Dellucci. I mean, he's awesome. Four out of 5 dentists agree that you'd rather have Dellucci in left field than, say, Manny Ramirez.

What could I have been thinking?

Greg in Cleveland, you're our Asshole Of The Week. Congratulations. Now have fun living in Cleveland. Home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and despair.

Typing in CAPS LOCK: Sammy Sosa Is Satan

For our second installment of Typing in CAPS LOCK here at Foul Balls, we're going to focus on a post I wrote at FanHouse last week regarding Sammy Sosa and his belief that he'll one day get a statue at Wrigley Field just like Ernie Banks.

When I wrote this post I knew I was going to get some kind of response because of the type of polarizing figure that Sammy Sosa has been to Chicagoans, Cubs fans in particular. As I stated in the post, I've always found Cubs fans' attitudes towards Sammy to be rather amusing. For years they adored the guy as if he were God himself, but just as quickly as they fell in love with the guy, they turned his back on him. Whether it was the corked bat, or the fact that Cubs fans finally realized what everybody else had already known for a while: That Sammy had a little help in the strength department.

But that wasn't the point of the article, it was that Sammy feels he'll one day get a statue in his honor outside of Wrigley, just like the one Ernie Banks got, and even Ernie Banks thinks he deserves one. Sammy had this to say,

"Ernie has his statue, and he worked for that," Sosa said. "I don't think they're going to build a statue for me right away. Chicago has supported me all my life. Some people think I don't have love for Chicago, but Chicago hasn't done anything [wrong] to me.

"I had a few misunderstandings with a few people in the organization. But other than that, people want to put it a different way. It is not like that."

I then shared my opinion that the Cubs should build Sosa a statue, because for years he was revered like no other Chicago athlete save for Michael Jordan. Of course, to some FanHouse readers, sharing your opinion is akin to telling people how to feel.

Like John S for example.

You sir are a moron.

Always a nice way to start the conversation.

Sosa made fools of trusting Chicago fans that DID in fact give him their all for years. Don't mention his name in the same breath of Michael Jordan ever again. He isn't fit to clean MJ's undies.

No that's Cuba Gooding Jr's job.

Did you forget the corked bat scenerio? How bout how he was a cancer for the clubhouse? The obnoxious comments and music.

I love when fans bring up the "clubhouse cancer." Because, as fans, we're in that clubhouse everyday and know for sure what goes on in there. Also, those "obnoxious comments?" Those were just "Sammy being Sammy" comments while the team was winning.

I don't have to like anyone if I don't want to. Do I have to like Mark McGuire? No, he's a cheater. They made a statue for him and then buried it in a warehouse somewhere. Make a statue for Sammy then burry it underground.

Okay, I'm going to take the high ground and not point out the spelling mistakes here, though FanHouse readers would never do the same for me. As far as the cheater comment, I refer to your previous statement about Michael Jordan. MJ was a cheater as well, just ask Juanita. (I won't even go into his gambling suspension, either. Yeah, I said it.)

It's really the only fitting place to put a cheater so we don't have to see the way he disgraced the game right in front of our unknowing faces. The reason Sosa isn't liked anymore is because he was exposed and he lied right to all our faces. I dunno how things work out in LA or NY, but in Chitown, you don't pull crap like that and get away with it. You know who deserves a statue in Chicago? Frank Thomas. Andre Dawson.

I don't know how things work in New York or Los Angeles either, I'm from Chicago as well, jackass. Though I totally agree that Frank Thomas deserves a statue and I guarantee you he'll get one when he retires. Andre Dawson? Eh.

Just because once in a decade there is a great player on each team, doesn't mean their memory must forever be enshrined. There are two Statues at Wrigley. One for HOF'er Harry Caray, and one for Mr. Cub. If anyone is next, I'm sure the majority would be clamouring for Santo to get one, not Uber-Douche-Liar-Cheat Slammin' Syringes Sosa. Take a hike.

Ah yes, Cubs fans at their finest. Ron Santo deserves a statue, but Sammy Sosa doesn't. Let's take a look at the two players careers for the Cubs, shall we?

Santo as a Cub (15 years)

• .277 average
• 342 homers
• 1331 RBI
• .826 OPS
• 0 World Series titles
• 0 Division titles/playoff appearances

Sosa as a Cub (13 years)

• .284 average
• 545 homers
• 1,414 RBI
• .926 OPS
• 0 World Series titles
• 3 Division titles/playoff appearances

So let's see, Sosa was only better than Santo in every category, yet Santo deserves the statue. Cubs fans, ladies and gentlemen!

But let's not forget, I'm the moron.

Typing In CAPS LOCK: A FanHouse Commenter Symposium

I've long been trying to think up some regular features for Foul Balls because doing the same things over and over again is a lot easier than trying to think of new things to say everyday, and that's an idea I can get behind. Unfortunately, for the most part, the ideas I've gotten in my head generally dissolve before I can put finger to keyboard.

Then I realized that one of these features was right in front of my eyes, staring me in the face, and I never even thought to use it: FanHouse commenters.

I don't know if any of you, my loyal reader(s), ever read the comments over at FanHouse (Hell, I don't even know that any of you read my posts at FanHouse), but if you don't, you're depriving yourself of some of the greatest minds this country has to offer.

I remember a time when I used to be somewhat bothered by the lack of comments left on the things I wrote here. Then I started to write at FanHouse and quickly came to the realization that the five regulars we have here are more than enough. (I'm not saying this to discourage any of you lurkers from commenting, by all means, tell me how stupid I am.)

So I've decided to start a semi-regular feature here at Foul Balls in which I will share with you some of my favorite comments I receive over at FanHouse. From humorous ones, to the downright terrifying ones.

We're going to start this feature with a story I wrote over on the House last week. It was about a fan who had thrown a water bottle at Athletics catcher Mike Piazza last summer, and hit him in the head. Piazza was furious about the whole thing, and pressed charges against the guy, and just the other day the fan was sentenced to 30 days in jail.

This story got front page treatment over at AOL, and when that happens, that's when you can expect the country's finest to come out and set you straight. My biggest crime in the post?

Stating my opinion that maybe, just maybe, a 30-day jail sentence is a bit much for throwing a water bottle at somebody. Especially when somebody can get pulled over for driving drunk, putting lives at risk, and come away with nothing but a fine. The problem was that I didn't put the part about the drunk driving in the actual post. I paid the price for my mistake, but I did get some good laughs, so it all works out in the end.

From Bob:

Tom Fornelli.... Yeah.. right if Mike had DIED.... THEN you give the guy 30 days. Obviously you aren'tparticulary well suited for judging crime and suitable punishment... You are one clueless dude.. and as for the celebrity free ride in LA you better watch your step.... With efforts like this you're not likely to be classified a celeb [note: I made a remark at the end of the post that the only way to avoid jail time in LA is to be a celebrity] in the near future.... Talk about someone not having a clue!!!

Ah, yes, how could I have been so stupid? Everybody knows that the sole purpose in life is to be famous. How else could we explain all these wonderful "reality" shows that currently dominate the television landscape. I'll never even get "famous" enough to be on Dancing With The Stars after this post.

From Sid:

Tom' you're a real idiot. You probably think it's ok for illegals to walk right in and take what they want without any consequences. You really can't blame being hit on the head for your gargantuan case of STUPID. Boy, people like you really piss me off. big time. Thanks for the use of the hall.

Obviously, the water bottle throwing incident is a direct parallel to this country's current immigration problem. And as for the use of the hall, I've no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but you're welcome anyway.

From Marty:

Only in America can someone make a living writing stupid opinons like Tom's. I suppose we should stop prosecuting DUI's unless they ACTUALLY wreck. Geeeze, who pays this moron?

AOL pays me. Also, if you read the post, you may have noticed I said that the fan should have to pay a fine, be put on probation, do community service, and be banned from ever entering Angels Stadium again.

From Cire:

It sounds like Tom Fornelli has a crush on Roland Flores(the fan in question), like a schoolgirl defending her brute beau.

Caught! The wedding is in June, and you're all invited.

From Paul Kaczmarowski:

He should have got 6 years. Stupid idiot, make him spend time with murderers. He comes out changed for the worse. Then I'd let Mike throw a bottle at him. The stupid people of the world need to be sifted out.

Paul has already been appointed to the Supreme Court by President Bush.

From dh:

Tom, with all due respect you are an idiot (I guess this means you aren't due ANY respect, doesn't it?)

This reminds me of the time when Nebraska Coach Tom Osborne whined because one of his players went to jail for shooting a .22 caliber pistol at someone.

"It really isn't much more than a beebee gun," Nebraska's head man whined. He later became a Congressman. Maybe there IS hope for you, Tom....all of your fellow idiots are running the country. Maybe if I run over you with my car, my defense will be, "It was only a KIA....not like I was driving a Hummer."

Really, I fell in love with this guy after the very first line. Then the Kia line at the end...(swoon). Please, folks, if you're going to rip me, at least make me laugh while doing so. It's only fair.

From Al Day:

gee tom, your preppie sensibilities must be really disturbed by this idiot going to jail. well try not to fret too much over your wine and cheese for the suffering this poor man must endure. altho writing this simplistic column is pretty feeble and not much of an effort to relieve the poor jailbird. maybe you could start a collection for him so that next time he might be empowered to throw something more lethal. ultimately this lame piece of drivel you call a column tells us much more about the lightweight author than about the topic at hand.

My "preppie sensibilities?" What the fuck!? That's the most hurtful thing I read in any of the comments. I almost want to cry in my sweater vest. As for the "wine and cheese" uppercut, even though I'm an Italian, I'm not that big of a wine fan. I don't hate it or anything, but I really only drink it on special occasions. Holidays, orgies, things of that nature. I'm more a beer, and whiskey guy with Red Stripe and Maker's Mark topping the list. You got me on cheese, though. As I said earlier, I'm Italian and I live in the midwest as well. If I didn't like cheese, I would not have survived infancy.

From Mike:

What I find amazing is that the kid paid the Stadium price for a bottle of water and then threw it away!

Finally, somebody who realizes the comment function is for making witty remarks. Kudos to you, sir.

From Susie:

Why don't you ask Monica Seles if the law should go easy on fans who get out of control?

Ahh, yes, because throwing water bottles and stabbing somebody in the back are one and the same.

And these are just some of the 408 comments left on the post.

I love working at FanHouse. I really do. The commenters there taught me so many things that afternoon. I'm a bleeding heart liberal hippie (I've never voted once in my life, nor do I ever plan to, and in fact, if it were up to me I'd get rid of both parties), I'm never going to be a celebrity, a water bottle is a deadly weapon on par with a knife, and of course, that I'm an idiot.

What new and exciting things will I learn this week?