Everybody Hates Rex

You know what the best part of the Bears offseason was? The only part of the non-football season that truly made me happy when it came to the Bears?

No Rex Grossman news.

Seriously, last year's Grossman talk was tiring. He was awesome, then he sucked, then there was no way the Bears would in in the playoffs with him, then he fumbled that snap in the Super Bowl....

It was just endless.

Well since there haven't been any games played yet this season, there's nothing the media can get on Rex about is there? Oh? There is?

It seems there are still a couple folks mad at Rex for his performance in the Super Bowl last season, and one play in particular. Seems some folks are wondering if Rex tried his hardest to tackle Kelvin Hayden as he returned an interception for a touchdown to clinch the Colts victory.

Rex explains he wasn't loafing on the play.

"First, I thought he had stepped out of bounds," Grossman said. "Then I thought he was going to cut back [toward the center of the field]. Then I couldn't get around somebody and was thinking, 'What's going on?'

"If it were just a straight line, and I had known that, I'd have cut him off and got there. Looking back, I should have taken the proper angle, but that's easier to see afterward. At one point it looked like he would be cutting back and I slowed down to be ready for that. By the time I sped up again to go get him, he was by me. It was a turning point in the game, but what are you going to do?"

Here's what I'm wondering. Has anybody asked a member of the Bears defense if they tried their hardest to tackle Dominic Rhodes or Joseph Addai? Because I sure don't remember seeing it happen very often in that game.

Happier Times

While I do my best to completely eradicate any thoughts that are Chicago Bears-related, I keep going back to how I felt watching Devin Hester return the opening kick.

I had just gotten to Tony's apartment, and was putting my beer in the cooler when I heard the word "Go!!!" screamed by 8 people at the same time.

I poked my head around the corner just in time to see Hester turn the corner.

That was bliss. Pure bliss.

For all the anger I feel towards the Bears today, none of it will ever be directed towards Devin Hester.

I love you, Devin, and I'm just going to watch this clip over and over again until I completely forget the other 59:20 of Super Bowl XLI.

Super Blow

I'm sitting here this morning still in a bit of a daze after yesterday's Super Bowl. I'm not even sure what I want to say about the game.

It sucked. I know that.

Maybe it was a good thing that the rain gave us all somewhat of a blurry picture throughout most of the game, saved me from seeing just how bad that was.

I'm sad, pissed off, and numb all at the same time.

There were so many things that I just didn't get while watching that game. Why didn't they give Thomas Jones more carries? He only averaged more than seven yards a carry. Why did the defense play so damn conservative? It was obvious pretty early that it wasn't going to work, Peyton was dinking and dunking to death.

The fact that the defense also seemed to forget how to tackle sure didn't help much either.

Then there was Rex.....

That was the Rex that couldn't show up in this game, but he did. He dropped two snaps, and threw two horrible interceptions. Rex basically did everything in his power to go out there and prove all of his doubters were 100% correct about him.

Yes, Rex is no doubt going to take the majority of the heat over this loss, which he should after the way he played. But this was the entire teams fault. (Ok, not Devin Hester. Thank God for Devin Hester.)

It was the defense's fault for being too conservative, not tackling, and just never getting the Colts offense off the field.

It's also the defensive line's fault. For the Bears conservative scheme in last night's game to work, the front four were going to have to put pressure on Peyton Manning. They couldn't do that. Manning had all day to find his receiver. The one time we got pressure on him early, he found Reggie Wayne wide open for a 53 yard touchdown pass. (Danieal Manning was too busy helping Urlacher and Briggs triple cover Dallas Clark for some reason.)

It was Ron Turner's fault for outdumbing himself. The key for the Bears offense to do well in this game was to not put it in Rex's hands, yet that's exactly what he did. From our very first snap on offense it should have been nothing but Thomas Jones and Cedric Benson.

From the start of the second quarter on, the Bears did absolutely nothing right, and they didn't deserve to win the game.

They got beat by the better team, and the much better quarterback.

So congratulations are in order for Peyton Manning, who I've always been a fan of, for finally getting his Super Bowl win that most of us thought he'd never get.

It would have been nicer if Manning could have gotten it next year, or done the John Elway thing, and wait until he's about to retire before doing it.

So, yeah.....when's Spring Training start again?

Uncomfortably Numb

There's no poetic way to put it: that sucked.

I really have nothing more to add tonight.

Expect cogent analysis tomorrow, assuming Fornelli is not, as he has threatened to be, passed out in a gutter somewhere.

There is No Script

Turn on any sports show, talk to any sports fan who's not from the Windy City and you hear pretty much the same thing:

"Indy's gonna win."

"The Bears don't have a chance."

"It's Peyton's destiny."

Chicago fans seem more quiet then usual. Reflective, even. Hardly any chest-pounding. Maybe a little concern as we creep ever closer to game time.

We read, we listen, and it's hard not to take it all to heart. It feels like everyone has written an ending to this story and it doesn't include our guys drenched in champagne.

Well, I for one am just going to stop listening. Going cold turkey and turning off my computer and TV. I'll be back in time to hear Billy Joel. (I've got the "under" - and my guess is, given Joel's view of the song, he might have put some money on it too.)

Win or lose, I'll see you guys after the game.

Meanwhile, some thoughts on inevitability by Joe Queenan from his book, True Believers:

"One of the great things about sports, as any child will tell you, is that there is no script. If there were, North Carolina State would never have beaten Phi Slamma Jamma, and there would have been no Miracle on Ice. If there were an underlying symbolic logic in the sports cosmos, the Yankees and Mets would have met in the 2001 World Series, after bin Laden did his number on the World Trade Center... Instead, the Mets missed the playoffs, and the indomitable Yankees were beaten on a fluke hit, a broken-bat flare to shallow left dinked by a player who had done nothing for most of the Series... It shows that God stubbornly refuses to stick to the script."

Go, Bears.

Oh, Right, the Super Bowl...

You know how excited you get before Christmas, with all the holiday lights and buying presents and decorating the tree?

Then your relatives from out-of-town show up at your doorstep a week early. You know, the drunk uncle who rails on about how only commie hippies are opposed to staying in Iraq, while tossing in an occasional non sequitor about the weather ("This is what you Californians call sunny?") ... the oversexed, gap-toothed cousin who sits on your boyfriend's lap and repeatedly asks him how old he was when he lost his virginity... the aunt with yellow hair and a lazy eye, who removes the fresh flowers on the dining room table that you spent two hours arranging and replaces them with a styrofoam/carnation 99 Cent Store centerpiece that's supposedly the Nativity scene but looks like baby Jesus is perched on an ox that's humping a goat, and then she smiles and flips a switch and the friggin' thing starts revolving to the tune of "Drummer Boy" and you just stare, unable to form words, when suddenly you hear your aunt's voice speak, as if from miles away:

"No need to thank me."

[long beat]

"Not that you will."

That's how I'm feeling about the Super Bowl.

The bloviating blowhards. The smug "fan." (Thanks for making even this political.) The bullshit artist. Seriously, would it be asking too much for a hurricane to hit South Beach now?

Forgive me for the sacrilege but tomorrow cannot come and go soon enough.

(And apologies for the lack of posts, today. I've been having Blogger technical problems. As you can see, it's put me in a fine mood.)

Tommy the Dago Presents: Super Bowl XLI

And so we've come to the end of this incredibly long NFL season.

If I had any idea what I was doing when it came to picking these games, I'm sure the season would have seemed quicker.

But I don't.

And it didn't.

It's fine, though. Yes, it was easily the worst season I've ever had, but look how it ended up! The Bears are in the Super Bowl!!

The Bears!!

Super Bowl!

If my abhorrent record is what's needed to get the Bears to the promised land, then I promise next season I'll never pick against Oakland, Arizona, Cleveland or Detroit.

Colts vs. Bears (+7)

You may have noticed how over the last two weeks, I haven't spent too much time talking about the Bears. I've posted YouTube clips, and stupid things like that, but when it came to actual analysis of either the Bears or the Colts, I refrained.

Why?

I'm nervous.

Not over the Colts specifically. I'm just nervous. Realize, these things don't happen very often in Chicago. The Cubs don't win, the Blackhawks don't win, the White Sox win once every 90 or so years, and the Bulls haven't won in eight years.

So this is weird for me. You have to realize, that even though I give the Bears as much crap on Foul Balls as I do praise, I'm your stereotypical Chicago Bears fan. I live and breathe with this team during the season.

Still, there are things I keep thinking about that calm my nerves.

Like the fact that, sure, Chicago teams very rarely get to a championship game, but when they get there they don't lose.

Think about it. The White Sox have been in one World Series in the last 90 years, but they won the only one they were in. The Bears have only been in one Super Bowl in the games 41 year history, but they're 1-0. The Bulls have been to six NBA Finals. They're 6-0. The Cubs won't get to a World Series, but I'll bet if they did somehow make it, they'd win.

The only team in Chicago to reach a championship game or series in the last 30 years and lose is the Chicago Blackhawks in 1992 when they lost to the Penguins in 4 games.

That means since 1974 the City of Chicago has been in 9 championship games/series and are 8-1.

Now tell me, how many championships has Indianapolis won?

Another thing I take comfort in is the fact that Peyton Manning is the Colts' quarterback and Rex Grossman is our quarterback.

Rex Grossman went to the University of Florida.

Peyton Manning is 0-for-his life against Florida.

Then there's the fact that hardly anybody thinks the Bears are going to win this game. Get outside of Illinois, and nobody does.

Good. That's the way it's been all season, and this team seems to feed off of it. They weren't supposed to beat New Orleans. They won by 25. Most people thought the Bears would lose at home to Seattle in Week 4. They won that game 37-6.

They were told they'd lose in Week 10 in New York. They won 38-20.

They were told they'd kill Arizona on a Monday night in Week 6. Instead, they fell behind 23-0, and were saved by Devin Hester and the one man wrecking machine that was Brian Urlacher in the second half.

They were supposed to kill Tampa Bay and Detroit in Weeks 15 and 16. Instead, they barely escaped both games.

They weren't supposed to have too tough a time with Seattle in the Divisional Round but needed a 49-yard field goal in overtime to win.

Do I really need to keep going on or do you get the point?

People aren't sure whether or not the Bears can stop the Colts offense. Well, can the Colts defense stop the Bears offense? Both teams scored 427 points in the regular season, but the Bears are averaging 33 points a game in the playoffs to Indy's 25.

Then there's the fact that Indy gave up 173 yards a game on the ground. Even if you add in their performance this postseason, they still give up 157 yards a game. The Bears have two running backs with fresh legs. Thomas Jones got a ton of rest down the stretch, and in two playoff games has four touchdowns and 189 yards. Cedric Benson hardly got any touches during the first 10 games, and has been destroying tacklers ever since.

I like Bob Sanders. He's a helluva player, but you know what? When Bob Sanders meets Cedric Benson head-on in the hole? Cedric Benson is going to win that battle, trust me.

The Bears are going to win this Super Bowl, and it won't have anything to do with Peyton Manning choking. They'll say he choked if the Colts lose, but the truth will be he just got beat.

By the better team.

PREDICTION: Bears 30 Colts 21

PS. Another advantage for my Bears that I forgot to mention: Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are both black, but Lovie is blacker. Go Bears!!

They Don't Call it Tecmo Super Bowl for Nothing

There are all sorts of people and computers out there trying to tell you who's going to win Super Bowl XLI.

The fact is that these people, myself included, know absolutely nothing about anything remotely resembling football. We're all idiots.

There is only one way to know who's going to win the Super Bowl, well, besides playing the actual game.

That true path is through Tecmo Super Bowl.

Tecmo knows.

Soul Bowl I

I love when readers send me stuff. It saves me from actually having to do any ground work. Yesterday I received a message from VanTanna who sent me a video he made for this Sunday's Super Bowl, or excuse me, Soul Bowl.

I wanted to get it up today, cuz if I posted it tomorrow people might say I was pandering to Black History Month. Besides, we're too white around here as it is.

National Hangover Day

It's not a new idea, but it comes every year at this time. The day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday. This year though, a couple guys from North Carolina are taking it to a new level. They've started an online petition.

In North Carolina, four men are collecting signatures for a petition that would seek national-holiday status for the Super Bowl.

That official day off would be observed on a Monday, in the grand American tradition of the three-day weekend -- and in recognition of the debilitating Sunday excess of unhealthy food, strong beverage, televised sporting violence, relentless commercialism and not a small amount of gambling. No need to call in sick if the office is closed.

By Friday, 7,401 "yes" votes had been cast at the SuperBowlMonday.com Web site in favor of a day-after Super Bowl holiday observation. (There were 268 "no" votes.) This self-proclaimed "grass-roots political campaign," begun shortly before the 2006 Super Bowl, is "serious," said SuperBowlMonday creator Robert Chute, 40, of suburban Charlotte, generating "hundreds of thousands of hits a day."

Well, there are now 7,402 yes votes thanks to me. You should get in on the action too.

This did however get the gerbil in our head to start running on his wheel, and start thinking of some other days that should be national holidays.

• January 29th-A day in remembrance of the death of our beloved Barbaro. He was an American icon along the lines of Martin Luther King Jr, Abraham Lincoln, and all the war veterans.
• March 18th-Cuz it absolutely sucks when St. Patrick's Day falls on a Tuesday, and you have to go to work the next morning. How can you truly celebrate the Irish if you can't get really drunk? Answer:You can't.
• May 13th-Also known as Stephen Colbert's birthday. We need to honor the American patriot who has introduced us all to the truthiness.
• December-Ok, so it's not one holiday, but December should be known as National Cablinasian History Month in honor of Tiger Woods, and his distinct heritage. I know that Christmas already falls in December, but c'mon, this is Tiger Woods here. He'd kick Jesus' ass.
• April 20th-Cuz potheads everywhere need another reason to just sit around the house and not do anything.
• The first Thursday and Friday of March Madness-I remember once while in junior college, I brought my TV with me to school so that I could ditch class and watch the early morning games of the first round in the Scholar's Lounge. If you're wondering how I got into a Scholar's Program, reread this entry, and you'll know. Bringing a TV to school is brilliance. (Thanks to Criminal Appeal for this. I can't believe I forgot March Madness.)

That's all I got for now, feel free to leave your own ideas in the comments.

So, You Wanna Go to the Super Bowl

It was mentioned here in a Hang Ten last week, but in case you missed it, Sarah Spain is a 26-year-old in Brentwood, California. She's also a die-hard Chicago Bears fan. With the Bears going to the Super Bowl, Sarah just had to be there with them.

So, as anybody would do, she decided to sell herself on eBay.

People were allowed to bid on Sarah to take as their date to the Super Bowl. Word quickly got out, as is the norm amongst pale-skinned bloggers upon hearing news that a hot girl might talk to them, and the bidding for Sarah reached roughly $99 brazillian. eBay quickly took down the auction, but Sarah tried again anyway. eBay took her page down again.

Just as poor Sarah was about ready to give up, the folks who are behind Axe Body Spray came to her rescue. (The bastards got there right before I did. I didn't have Super Bowl tickets, but I do have shoulders which she can cry on, or do anything she damn well pleases, really.)

Axe gave Sarah four tickets to the Super Bowl to cheer on her beloved Bears, and she's taking two of her hot friends. Of course, that leaves one ticket unclaimed.

This, my friends, is where you come in. Sarah is holding a contest for guys to go to the Super Bowl with her and her friends.

You can find out more about it here, but here's the gist. You have to be 21, and you have to send an email saying why you deserve to go to the Super Bowl. You also must include a picture of yourself, and if selected you have to pay your own way to Miami and make your own accomodations.

You can email Sarah at hotsuperbowldate@hotmail.com.

Don't worry, I'm not applying, so you all still have a chance.

Of course, as you'd expect to hear after trying to sell herself on eBay, Sarah is taking a lot of crap from people about this.

She won't get it from me. I think what she's doing is brilliant.

Sarah is a member of a sketch comedy group in LA called Reverse Coma, and I'm guessing she has some aspirations to break into movies or television.

So not only has she been able to get herself tons of free press and exposure, but now she's scored free tickets to the Super Bowl.

I'd have done it if I could have too. Good-looking and smart, I suggest you fellas try hard, cuz this one could be a keeper.

Good luck and God speed, gentlemen.

Tailgating is for Terrorists

Tailgating is a tradition amongst football fans. Before any college or NFL game, you'll find fans in the parking lot grilling and drinking beer, getting ready to cheer on their teams.

Well, unless it's the Super Bowl.

The NFL will not be allowing any tailgating at Dolphins Stadium prior to Sunday's Super Bowl.

Die-hard football fans attending the Super Bowl game at Dolphin Stadium are getting a rude awakening after finding out that no tailgating of any type will be allowed within a one mile radius on game day.

"There is no tailgating allowed in the Dolphin Stadium parking lots," Sue Jaquez, a member of the Super Bowl XLI Host Committee, confirmed on Tuesday. "And there is no tailgating anywhere within a one-mile radius of the stadium." "And there are no RVs allowed."

Tailgating is permitted during Dolphins games in the regular season and playoffs, and a team official said there would be tailgating before the Super Bowl last week. What he forgot was that the NFL controls the Super Bowl, not the Miami Dolphins.

The NFL is not allowing it for security reasons.

Apparently, terrorists like to eat bratwursts and down a few Miller Lites before blowing things up.

Fans will be allowed to tail gate outside of the Stadium premises, but they'll be left with a mile walk to the stadium. Anybody caught tailgating could be subject to being arrested. The Miami-Dade police don't think it will come to that, though.

"[People] will be warned and asked to pick up their things and leave. We're trying to make this a pleasant experience for everyone, and there will be plenty to do in the week leading up to the game."-Detective Nelda Fonticella

Personally, I think that the NFL could listen to our President when it comes to tailgating and, you know, "give it a chance."

Do NOT Trust Chris Harris

Bryan Lange is a construction worker and a Chicago Bears fan. He also hosts a public access television show called "Psychobabble."

Back in June, Lange somehow managed to convince Bears safety Chris Harris to appear on the show. While Harris was on the show Lange told him he would sell his Harley to get tickets to the Super Bowl if the Bears made it.

Harris then told Lange,

"You won't have to sell it. I will give you tickets."

Well, the Bears made it, and Harris isn't giving Lange tickets.

Lange has been protesting outside Halas Hall the last few days with a sign that reads "Chris Harris You Promised." Lange said that Harris informed him he would not be able to get him the tickets on Tuesday.

Apparently Harris didn't realize how limited tickets were to the players when he made the promise. Harris only received 15 tickets, and has over 40 family members asking for them. I can't really blame Chris Harris for breaking his promise to Lange.

I'd also feel bad for Lange if he wasn't making a damn fool of himself by hanging out by Halas Hall with that damn sign all week.

I mean, come on, Bryan. You have a Harley AND your own public access television show. You're living the dream, man, stop being so damn greedy.

Hey, Coors: Next Time Prescreen for Drunk and Dateless

According to a new survey commissioned by Coors Light,

The Super Bowl is a bigger event than Valentine's Day for over 40% of adult males... Results also show that a large percentage (44 percent) of men put more time and energy into making Super Bowl plans than making Valentine’s Day plans.

First off, who's the marketing genius for Coors who came up with this idea?

"Hey, I know, let's do a survey that'll prove our key demographic would rather sit on their asses, slog down beers, and watch the Super Bowl then spend an evening with their girlfriends or wives. Then let's go public with the results a week before the Super Bowl so that all the women of America will have proof positive they're getting sloppy seconds and be totally belligerent on game day!"

Good job, Coors. You've proven most men would rather pound back brews and obsess over fantasy football and fake hooters than spend ten lousy minutes thinking about -

Wait.

Women of America, let's reread those stats.

If my high school arithmetic is right (though, as a Chicago public school graduate with ovaries, I admit I could be way off), six out of ten guys think Valentine's Day is as or more important than the Super Bowl.

Which mean Coors has proven something GLAAD has been trying to tell us for years:

60% of American males are gay.

People Are Stupid

The other day I was talking to Panger, and somewhere in our conversation we began discussing the media. She said that while religion used to be the "opiate of the masses," it's been replaced today by mass media (television, the internet, etc.).

She's right.

I went to ESPN after getting home on Wednesday night just to see what I missed, and saw the newest poll they'd placed on the site.

The question: "Who is the Worst Super Bowl Quarterback of All Time?"

The choices:

• Trent Dilfer
• Tony Eason
• Vince Ferragamo
• Rex Grossman
• David Woodley

You'll never guess who was leading the poll.

That's right, Rex Grossman.

What in the hell is wrong with you people!?

Rex Grossman isn't even the worst Bears quarterback in Super Bowl history, and they've only had two!!

Don't believe me? Let's look at the numbers. Here's the Punky QB known as McMahon's numbers from 1985:

178/313 56.9% 2,392 yards 15 TD 11 INT

Here's the Sex Cannon's numbers this season:

262/480 54.6% 3,193 yards 23 TD 20 INT

They're oddly similar. Rex threw for 801 more yards, and eight more touchdowns. His completion percentage was worse, and he threw more interceptions, but last I checked Rexy doesn't have Walter Payton in his backfield.

Also, there were quite a few games this season in which Rex won the game on his own, despite the defense. McMahon only won one game on his own in 85, against the Vikings in the Metrodome. A game he didn't even start. The defense on the '85 team was so good that Steve Fuller won games as the quarterback!!

Don't even get me started on the QB's Rex is considered worse than. Vince Ferragamo? David Woodley? Who the hell is David Woodley!? I don't even know. I had to look him up.

In 9 games for the Dolphins in 1982, Woodley threw for 1,080 yards, 5 touchdowns, and 8 interceptions. Average that out over a 16 game regular season and he'd finish with 1,920 yards, 9 touchdowns, and 14 interceptions.

Oh yeah, he's way better than Rex Grossman. Rex can't even carry his jock.

Tony Eason is worse than Grossman too. In 1985, before getting shellacked by the Bears, Eason had a regular season in which he threw 2,156 yards, 11 touchdowns, and 17 interceptions.

I know Rex is inconsistent. Trust me, he drives me crazy at times, but this is all just an overreaction to the insane amount of media coverage we have these days.

It's the ESPNs of the world spending 8 hours a day talking about how Rex sucks.

It's the Chicago newspapers, so accustomed to seeing crappy quarterbacks in this town that they aren't even sure what a good quarterback looks like, and just assume that Grossman sucks.

It's the bloggers like yours truly who rip on Rex at will. (Though I'd say Foul Balls been pretty fair to Grossman.)

People only see what they choose to, and all anybody looks at are Rex's bad games since that's what the media chooses to focus on.

They ignore his good games. Nobody looks at his performance against Detroit in Week 2 when he threw for 289 yards and four touchdowns, without an interception.

We glance over the game in Week 5 against Buffalo when Rex threw for 182 yards and 2 touchdowns in the first half en route to a 40-0 score at halftime. Rex did nothing but hand off in the second half.

They ignore his the Week 8 game against San Francisco where he threw for 3 touchdowns and 252 yards.

There was Week 10 in New York (246 yards, 3 touchdowns), Week 14 in St. Louis (200 yards, 2 touchdowns) and Week 15 against Tampa (339 yards, 2 touchdowns).

In those six games I mentioned, Rex threw 16 touchdowns, and 1 interception. It's just the fact that when Rex has a bad day, it's awful.

A quarterback who has gone 15-3 this season, and 20-8 in his career, is the worst quarterback in the history of the Super Bowl.

Give me a damn break.

"Do You Love The Black Man!?"

You know, we meant to do something about this the other day, but frankly we got lost in all our joy about the Bears going to the Super Bowl. (The Bears are going to the Super Bowl!) We were watching some of the post game coverage when we came upon this piece of journalistic brilliance.

Meet Byron Harlan.

Byron is a local anchor at Fox News here in Chicago.

Well, on Sunday he was assigned to the Bears game, where he was to capture the fans' reaction. He got that, and then some.

What we all ended up with was pure magic.

Well, do you love the black man? We do. We love him a lot.

Seriously, just when you thought it couldn't get any better, Harlan throws in the Soul Train. Perfection.

Tank Invades Miami

Tank Johnson will be going to Miami with the rest of his Chicago Bears teammates. In a hearing this morning, Cook County Judge John Moran gave it the okay.

Cook County Judge John Moran approved a defense request today to allow Johnson to leave the state as he awaits trial on gun possession charges. The Bears will play the Indianapolis Colts in the Super Bowl in Miami on Feb. 4.

Johnson was arrested Dec. 14 after police raided his home in Gurnee, about 40 miles northwest of Chicago. Prosecutors say officers found six weapons and ammunition in Johnson's home. He faces 10 counts of possession of firearms without a state gun-owner identification card.

Hide the women and children, Miami. Tank is rolling into town.