An Inconvenient Column

Normally, when I open my copy of the Chicago Sun-Times and I see that Mariotti has the day off, I rejoice. It's like a gift from the Gods that I don't have to look at that picture.

Instead, yesterday there was a column from Rick Telander.

And what was Telander's column about?

Global warming.

What. The. Hell?

I'm sorry, I thought I was in the sports section, and I get this:

Hey, Chicagoans, how would you like to live in the Miami of the Midwest? All you gotta do is stay put! Climate-wise, in 50 years, maybe less, Chicago could be what Miami is now -- minus the proximity to Havana, of course, and minus the fact a good part of South Florida might be under water.

Forget January snowball fights in Grant Park.

How about spring-break water skiing on Lake Michigan?

How about Christmas margaritas outdoors?

By now, you've heard of global warming.

I'm guessing the only people who don't think the condition is real and largely man-created are right-wing loon Ann Coulter -- whose little black dress will give way to a little black bikini with temperature increase -- and flat-earth societies.

Boy, you're right, Mr. Telander. I sure have heard of this global warming! Sounds terrific, I could use a break from these harsh Chicago winters. You know what else I've heard of, though?

Sports.

You know, that topic you're supposed to be writing about. So get to it.

Sports Illustrated, not exactly a scientific journal, just used a doctored photo on its cover of Florida Marlins pitcher Dontrelle Willis standing on the pitcher's mound at Dolphin Stadium in Miami, thigh-deep in water.

''SPORTS AND GLOBAL WARMING,'' the headline reads. ''As the Planet Changes, So Do the Games We Play -- Time to Pay Attention.''

Ya think?

Ice caps that have been around for millennia are melting swiftly.

The ocean is expected to rise anywhere from a minimum of 4 inches to 3 feet by 2100. If that doesn't sound like much, consider that 4 inches would imperil many of our Eastern beach areas, and 3 feet would, according to the April cover story in The Atlantic, threaten the survival of countries from Bangladesh to the Netherlands, ''while submerging pretty much all of the world's trendy beach destinations to boot.''

SI lists 13 ballparks and arenas -- from San Francisco to Jacksonville, Fla., from Oracle Arena in Oakland, Calif., to Raymond James Stadium in Tampa, Fla. -- that will be under water with a 1-meter sea-level rise.

In its quaint, sports-focused way, SI neglects to mention that the host cities will be swamped, too.

Umm, okay.

So, Sports Illustrated wrote about global warming, and now we all have to?

You know what else SI did? They gave Beyonce Hepatitis A. Are you going to give me hepatitis tomorrow, Rick?

Listen, global warming is a hot topic (glorious puns) and I know the scariest part of what it could cause is the fact that Dolphin Stadium might be submerged in 100 years. Seriously, I wet the bed at night just thinking about it.

That said, I really want you to listen to what I'm going to say next.

You are a sports writer, Rick. Sports.

S-P-O-R-T-S.

So let Al Gore stick to talking about global warming. Did you know there's a pretty big basketball tournament going on as I write this? Maybe you should write something about that? The White Sox and Cubs are holding their spring training. Maybe there's a tale of interest there?

I do not want to open my sports section and be hit in the face with somebody's political agenda. That's what the rest of the paper is for. Just do your damn job. Thanks.