Bernard Berrian Is Now A Viking

And now, somehow, someway, the Bears offense has managed to get even worse.

Jerry Angelo better be on the phone with Javon Walker's agent.

New Quarterback, Same Craptastic Team

There are only two more weeks of this left, right?

I just want to start this recap of last night's Bears loss off with an apology to anybody who watched the game last night. I'm sorry you had to see that. It isn't fair that you gave up three hours of your life to watch this team play last night.

I think the entire performance can be summed up by one moment in the second quarter. After a 12 man in the huddle penalty was called against the Bears, which was the latest in a string of presnap penalties for the Bears offense, ESPN's Mike Tirico couldn't keep it in any longer.

"This offense is awful! Awful!"

Yes, that's right. The play-by-play guy whom generally loves everybody couldn't contain his disdain for having to watch the Bears play. Now this may bother some Bears fans, or just fans in general as a play-by-play guy isn't really supposed to editorialize, but really, what did Tirico say that you didn't already know?

The Vikings did everything in their power to get the Bears a win last night, but the Bears just suck that bad. Minnesota kept turning the ball over to the Bears deep within their own territory, but the Bears never capitalized.

Urlacher had the interception in the first quarter that he returned to the Viking 15-yard line. The Bears went no where for three plays, and then kicked a field goal. The Bears would capitalize on a turnover in the second half, scoring a touchdown one play after Nathan Vasher got a gift interception from Tarvaris Jackson.

Of course, they'd blow that lead because that's the other thing this Bears team has done well all season.

If there were any positives to take out of last night's game, it was the play of Brian Urlacher and Nathan Vasher. In his first game in ten weeks, Vasher was responsible for Urlacher's interception when he knocked the ball out of the receiver's hands with his helmet. Vasher would then get his own interception later. Urlacher had his best individual game of the season, picking up that interception, recovering a fumble, and picking up two sacks. Sure, he may not have been blocked on one of those sacks, but it still counts.

There are only two games left to go, and the Bears are now officially eliminated from the playoffs. So the Curse of The Super Bowl Loser lives on yet again here in Chicago. If nothing else, maybe they'll beat the Packers again next week. That'll salvage the season!

Monster of the Midway

• Brian Urlacher - As previously stated, Urlacher had a very good game last night. Though the fact it wasn't until the Bears 14 game of the season that I named him Monster of the Midway goes a long way in explaining why this season has gone so wrong.

Dumbass of the Day

• Offensive Line - You're still old, and you still suck!!

Foul Balls

Speaking of Urlacher - Remember a year or so ago when Brian Urlacher was on the front page of the Chicago Sun-Times because of the baby he had with Tyna Robertson? Then that story was followed up by some nasty text messages Urlacher had been sending her?

Well they went to court and got things settled, but just because things between Robertson and Urlacher are cool, doesn't mean everything in Robertson's life is okay. In fact, she may need to give Brian a call and see if he's got any cash laying around he can loan her.

A woman who accused Michael Flatley of sexual assault has been ordered to pay him more than $11 million for making false allegations to extort money from him, according to documents obtained Monday.

Superior Court Judge Michael L. Stern found that real estate agent Tyna Marie Robertson had defamed and intentionally inflicted emotional distress upon Flatley, 49, who appeared in "Riverdance," "Lord of the Dance," "Feet of Flames" and "Celtic Tiger."

Robertson had alleged Flatley raped her in a Las Vegas hotel in 2002 and threatened to sue unless he agreed to pay a "seven figures" settlement, according to court papers.

I can't help but think that despite the loss last night, and the terrible season in general, Brian Urlacher woke up with a smile on his face this morning upon hearing this news.

Somebody Finally Shut Up Dickie V - If you tune into college basketball on ESPN this winter, you may notice things are a little quieter this season. There's no crazy old man screaming at you about diaper dandies, or PTPers. You won't know that awesome is spelled with a capital "A."

That's because Dick Vitale has finally been silenced!!

The unthinkable is about to happen: college basketball without Dick Vitale.

His signature voice is going to be silenced until February. Doctors have found lesions on his left vocal cord that need to be surgically removed. In a letter on ESPN.com, the veteran analyst said he has been having "a very difficult time with discomfort in my throat."

Vitale, 68, said the goal is to return to action in early February.

"Personally, I want to apologize to all of the fans and all of the beautiful people at ESPN," he said.

Oh, Dick. There's no need to apologize, buddy! Take all the time in the world. Hell, maybe this is a sign from God. Lesions on your vocal cords? It's pretty obvious he doesn't want you talking anymore. It's going to be tough, I know, but we'll get through it together.

I'm Rooting For Minnesota Tonight

Monday mornings are usually reserved for Bears recaps, but since they don't play until tonight, I guess I'll have to write a "preview" of tonight's game. Here's my preview.

The Bears offense will struggle all night while the Bears defense gets carved up by Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor again.

Which, to be completely honest, would be 100% fine with me. There are a couple of reasons that tonight I'll be openly rooting against the Bears. I know. It's heresy, but it's true.

Okay, so I worded that a bit wrong. I'm not going to be rooting against the Bears but I won't be all that upset if Minnesota destroys them tonight. The Bears have nothing left to play for. They can't make the playoffs, so they may as well lose their last three games to get themselves a better draft pick. God knows they need it.

The second reason is purely selfish. (WARNING:FANTASY FOOTBALL DISCUSSION AHEAD)

You see, for most of you who play fantasy football this week marked the first round of the playoffs. I'm no different from you. Ever since 2001 my friend Bill and I have owned a team in a league, and though we made the playoffs our first two seasons, we haven't been back again until this season.

This year we finished with the best record in the league thanks to Adrian Peterson and Peyton Manning. Well, we're down 22 points right now but there's still hope. Not only do we have Adrian Peterson going tonight, but we also started Chester Taylor and we have Bernard Berrian.

So I need the Vikings running attack to shred the Bears defense again tonight. Do you realize that the prize for first place in this league is $1,800? If we lose tonight, we basically get our money back with a little profit.

So as you can see, I'm going to be pretty emotionally involved in tonight's game.

And aside from all that, there's another reason to watch tonight. Kyle Orton is back, baby! The Neckbeard has returned to lead the Bears to the promised land!

Okay, so I'm not really excited about the fact that Kyle Orton is going to be starting tonight. I'm happy that Kyle is getting a chance instead of going with Brian Griese, but I don't think we're going to see anything in Orton tonight that's going to say "We have our quarterback!"

No, because Kyle is going to have to play behind the same offensive line that couldn't block for Grossman or Griese. He's going to have to hand the ball off to the same running backs that can't find any room to run behind this offensive line, and he's going to be throwing to the same receivers who have been dropping passes from quarterbacks all season.

Nothing is going to change tonight, except we'll all have more chances to compare Orton's neck to a vagina and spit out quotes from Knocked Up.

As far as what we'll see from the defense, I'm excited by the fact that Nathan Vasher is probably going to play tonight. I think his absence since the Cowboys game has been a huge loss for the Bears all season. It's meant more playing time for guys like Adam Archuleta and Danieal Manning, which is never good for anybody.

Granted, I don't think Vasher is going to come out in his first game back and shut down whoever he's covering, but his return will make things easier on the entire secondary and even the linebackers.

Of course, our secondary probably isn't going to have to cover many receivers tonight the way the Vikings run the football, but at least Vasher is a better tackler than our other corners.

That's another problem the Bears will face in tonight's matchup. When the Vikings won in Soldier Field earlier this season, they did it despite their quarterback Tarvares Jackson. The Vikings looked magnificent every time they handed the ball to Peterson, but when they asked Jackson to drop back and pass, it was comical.

He danced around for a few seconds before overthrowing his target by ten feet.

That's not going to be the case tonight as Jackson has started to mold himself into a real quarterback the last month. He's starting to develop a rapport with another youngster in Sidney Rice that makes me think this Vikings team isn't just hot right now, but that they may be legit for years to come.

So with that in mind, I'm calling this one for the Vikings tonight. 31-14.

Foul Balls

Michigan Has It's Man - Michigan has made itself another enemy. They were already hated by the state of Ohio, and now I'm pretty sure they're hated by the state of West Virginia as well. Not only did the school steal away John Beilein to be the head coach of their basketball team from WVU, but now they've decided to take away their football coach as well.

Rich Rodriguez is the new head football coach at the University of Michigan.

Michigan has hired West Virginia's Rich Rodriguez as its next football coach following a search that featured two other top prospects deciding to stay put.

"I am thrilled to have Rich Rodriguez as Michigan's new coach," athletic director Bill Martin wrote in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Sunday. "Rich brings an exciting brand of football to Michigan Stadium. We welcome the entire Rodriguez family to Ann Arbor."

Rodriguez you may remember was nearly announced as Alabama's new head coach last winter before he changed his mind at the last minute and returned to West Virginia. Apparently this season he didn't love Morgantown nearly as much.

Now I'm not sure how long it's going to take for Rodriguez to implement the spread offense he used at West Virginia, but I do know it's going to take me some time to adjust to seeing Michigan run it.

After being turned down by Les Miles for the job, and interviewing guys like Brady Hoke, I don't think there's a better coach in the country that Michigan could have found to replace Lloyd Carr.

A-Rod Isn't Talking To Scott Boras - Alex Rodriguez was interviewed by Katie Couric last night on 60 Minutes, and though they talked about a lot of different things, the comments I found the most interesting were Rodriguez's comments on his agent, Scott Boras.

The Yankees third baseman is extremely upset with the way Boras handled the initial decision to opt out of his contract with the Bombers. (...) When asked by Katie Couric to describe his relationship with Boras, who has advised A-Rod since he was 18, Rodriguez took a long pause, before Couric pressed him for an answer.

"The whole situation saddens me a little bit," Rodriguez said. "There hasn't been much back-and-forth talking."

When asked if he is speaking to Boras, Rodriguez said, "Not right now." He then was asked if that could change and he said, "We'll see."

So let me get this straight. When Boras was doing everything in his power to keep A-Rod's name in the spotlight all postseason, and then got Alex another huge deal, he was totally cool with it. Now that A-Rod has the contract and all the money, he no longer needs sports most hated agent. So he's dumping him and trying to pin all the negative PR on Boras.

Well played, sir. Well played.

The Dolphins Won! - Although I'm actually upset by it because I wanted them to go 0-16, I guess I'll take a second here to congratulate the Miami Dolphins. They beat the Ravens in overtime yesterday, 22-16, to get their first win of the season.

They then celebrated like they'd just won the Super Bowl and World War II at the same time.

Some people have taken offense to it, but I mean, c'mon. They're the Dolphins. They're harmless. Let them have their fun.

The Rise of Purple Jesus

Yesterday's Bears game was just a swift kick in the nuts. It was painful. The way the Bears defense played, the way the Bears came back, and then the way it ended, nothing but pain.

Adrian Peterson is a monster. A terrifying monster, one that when I think about the fact the Bears have to face him twice a season from here on out, gives me nightmares. Remember that great feeling you had on the day Barry Sanders retired?

Remember how relieved you were that you'd never have to see Sanders making the Bears look bad again? Well, meet the new Barry Sanders. Except this one is a lot bigger and a little faster.

The manchild known as Purple Jesus destroyed the Bears on Sunday. The Purple Messiah rushed for 221 yards on 20 carries, and had three touchdowns. If you're not that great at math, that means Peterson averaged 11 yards a carry. The average no doubt being helped by the three touchdown runs of 35, 67, and 73 yards.

Despite all of that, the Bears were able to make a comeback late. Peterson's third touchdown put Minnesota up 31-17 with just over four minutes left, but the Bears battled back. Minnesota's defense relaxed on the next Bears drive, and Brian Griese moved the team downfield before finding Muhsin Muhammed for a 33-yard touchdown.

Then, after a failed onside kick, the Bears held the Vikings offense to a three and out and forced them to punt the ball back. On the second play of the drive, Griese found Devin Hester streaking past Dwight Smith on the sideline, and made a perfect throw that resulted in a 81-yard touchdown to tie the game.

Because, even though Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus, Devin Hester is God.

Of course, Purple Jesus wasn't done there. On the ensuing kickoff, Peterson returned the kick into Chicago territory to set up Ryan Longwell's game winning field goal as time expired.

So now the Bears are 2-4, and with Green Bay's win, now sit three games behind the Pack and in last place of the NFC North. It's really not fair either. Now that Brian Griese has taken over as quarterback, and the offense actually looks like an offense, the defense is horrible.

Do you realize the Bears are giving up 134.2 yards a game on the ground? That's good enough for 26th in the NFL. Overall, the defense is giving up 361.3 yards per game, which places them 27th in the NFL.

Where the hell did the defense go?

I'm hoping that this week in practice, Lovie Smith emphasizes only one thing. Tackling. Because the Bears don't seem to know how. Smith and the Bears coaches have stressed creating turnovers so much, by coaching players to go for the ball, that it seems they've all forgotten how to tackle.

The most symbolic play of this phenomenon came on Purple Jesus' 35-yard touchdown run in the fourth quarter. Danieal Manning had Peterson on the sidelines at about the ten yard line, all he had to do was push Peterson and he was out of bounds. What did Manning do?

He tried to strip the ball.

Peterson shrugged him off and continued toward the end zone.

Every single player on the Bears defense should feel embarrassed right now. It seems they've all bought into their hype. Apparently this season they feel they've already proven they're a great defense, so there's no need to actually try. I mean, opponents will crumble with fear at the mere sight of them.

There are only two guys on the defense right now who don't suck right now: Charles Tillman and Lance Briggs. Briggs is playing so well that I'm seriously hoping the Bears reconsider that long term deal for him.

Urlacher isn't running to the ball like we're used to seeing him do.

Tommie Harris isn't getting into the backfield.

Brandon McGowan is horrible at safety.

And don't even get me started on Adam Archuleta. I warned you about that a long time ago.

This team is in a lot of trouble, and it's not going to get any easier with a trip to Philadelphia coming up. Last week I thought this team had figured it out, and now I'm not sure they'll win another game.

Monster of the Midway

• Devin Hester - Seriously, is anybody else ever going to step up and win this award besides Devin? He did it again on Sunday, an 89-yard punt return for a touchdown, and his first career touchdown reception. Why don't the Bears just do that on every play? Send Hester streaking down the sidelines. There isn't a single defensive back in the NFL that's going to be able to stay with him for more than 25 yards. I love you, Devin. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, but I want to have Devin's babies. I want to be held in his arms as he tells me everything's going to be okay. I'll believe him too.

Dumbass of the Day

• Brandon McGowan - You can pick a Bears defender, as long as they aren't named Briggs, and they'd deserve this award today. I'm going to give it to Brandon McGowan though for showing all the agility of a statue as he watched Adrian Peterson run by him time after time. JUST DIVE AT HIS LEGS FOR CHRIST'S SAKE! He can't run without legs! Is this that difficult?!

Fred Smoot Can't Talk Anymore

That's what happens when you break your jaw in five different places.

Minnesota Vikings cornerback Fred Smoot will miss the last game of the regular season because of a jaw that's broken in five places as a result of a recent car accident.

The single-vehicle crash, revealed by coach Brad Childress at his Wednesday news conference, occurred on Friday evening in Smoot's home state of Mississippi. After the Vikings were eliminated from playoff contention with a 9-7 loss to the Packers last Thursday, players were given the holiday weekend off.

Childress said his information, coming mostly from Smoot's agent, Bus Cook, was "sketchy" but that he believed Smoot was recovering from surgery and out of the hospital. Smoot, whose interception return was Minnesota's only score in the game at Green Bay, has exchanged text messages with Childress but is unable to speak. He was placed on injured reserve so the Vikings (6-9) can use his roster spot for someone else.

The details were "sketchy" eh? Well then, that gives us license to wonder just what happened. Based on Smoot's personal history, and that of Minnesota athletes in general, there are a few possibilities.

The most likely is he was drunk. That's boring though. There's the possibility he was drunk, and masturbating while driving home from the bar.

Then there is the ultimate possibility that he was drunk while helping two girls masturbate with his most famous asset.

Bet you'll never guess which one we're rooting for.