Asshole Of The Week: The Boston Herald

Welcome to Asshole Of The Week, where every Friday your trusty Foul Balls editor picks out the one person from the previous seven days who makes him think, "Man, what an asshole." It could be anybody from an athlete, an owner, someone in the media, or just anybody who happens to catch my ire.

Another first in the short history of Asshole Of The Week here on Foul Balls: instead of naming a person as the Asshole Of The Week, I'm naming an entire newspaper. Or at least their sports department.

Though, if this week's honor were to be bestowed upon one individual, that individual would be John Tomase. Who the hell is John Tomase, and why should you care? Well, Christ, give me a minute and I'll tell you. Have some god damn patience.

Tomase is the New England Patriots beat reporter for The Boston Herald, and he's also the guy who wrote the original story (which I would link to, but the Herald charges you for that type of thing) that the Patriots had taped the St. Louis Rams walk-through prior to Super Bowl XXXVI. His story led to a year's worth of "Spygate."

Before I get into what Tomase did, though, I want to just say how happy I am that the NFL has finally put this entire Spygate debacle to bed.

There has never been a bigger non-story to get so much coverage. A professional sports team trying to gain a competitive advantage over another professional sports team!? Oh, the humanity!

But since this story involved the New England Patriots - and ESPN loves the Patriots and runs the world - we were all forced to deal with it.

So when Roger Goodell came out and said that there was no tape, I was relieved. Though it did beg the question, if there's no tape, then why was the Herald running stories saying there was?

The complex (read: fake) answer is one that has to do with an inferiority complex reporter Tomase has suffered since early childhood, when he was always picked last in pick-up games at the park and in local canasta tournaments with his grandmother (she wanted John's older, smarter, and better looking brother Joe).

The simple answer is, they were wrong, and they finally apologized for it on Wednesday.

On Feb. 2, 2008, the Boston Herald reported that a member of the New England Patriots’ video staff taped the St. Louis Rams’ walkthrough on the day before Super Bowl XXXVI. While the Boston Herald based its Feb. 2, 2008, report on sources that it believed to be credible, we now know that this report was false, and that no tape of the walkthrough ever existed.

Prior to the publication of its Feb. 2, 2008, article, the Boston Herald neither possessed nor viewed a tape of the Rams’ walkthrough before Super Bowl XXXVI, nor did we speak to anyone who had. We should not have published the allegation in the absence of firmer verification

The Boston Herald regrets the damage done to the team by publication of the allegation, and sincerely apologizes to its readers and to the New England Patriots’ owners, players, employees and fans for our error.

What's that? Did a major newspaper just admit to running with a story it really had no real reason to believe was true? Did it just publish something in hopes of selling papers?

I thought publishing poorly researched, incorrect stories is something only bloggers do. Now I find out that the mainstream media do it too, and...well....I...

My world has been turned upside down. I don't know what to think anymore.

Thankfully for everyone involved, major newspapers only fire their writers for swearing on web sites that aren't affiliated with the paper. If you make up stories, your job is secure.

This, from the Herald's Editor in Chief, Kevin Convey:

"Nevertheless, I continue to stand behind the work of the Herald sports department and John Tomase, a talented journalist who has dealt with this difficult matter professionally while continuing to do his job under intense pressure.

In the end, as editor in chief of the Herald, I take full responsibility for the publication of this story, and I offer my own apology to our readers and our staff.

In tomorrow’s Herald, you’ll hear from John Tomase directly. And I hope that you’ll see, as our coverage of this story and others goes forward, that our dedication to accuracy remains unchanged, and that our first priority will always be maintaining that bond of trust with our readers."

Yes, maintain that bond of trust which you just admitted to breaking. It's always nice to see newspapers holding themselves accountable to the standards they seemingly only set for others.

So, Boston Herald, for forcing me to have to hear about Spygate for so long, then finding out the article your paper published that started the whole thing was bogus, and finishing up by not even firing the bastard who started it, you're the Asshole Of The Week.

Enjoy it while you can. The rest of us irresponsible publishers are coming for you.

FanHouse Is Awesome, Award Winning

You know, in the long, illustrious history of Foul Balls, this little Chicago sports blog has never had the honor of winning any awards. This doesn't bother me or anything, I just figure that what I do here is so innovative and mind-bending that most people just can't grasp the brilliance my fingers pound out every day.

Still, that doesn't mean I don't like getting awards, because trophies are shiny, and shiny things are always fun.

Luckily, I also work for FanHouse, and we win awards over there.

We at FanHouse are proud to let you know that we won the title of Best Sports Blog today at the ceremony recognizing the 2008 EPpy Awards. The EPpys are given out by Editor & Publisher and MediaWeek magazines to recognize excellence in online content. The other nominees in the Best Sports Blog category were the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel's Brewers Blog, the Chicago Tribune's RosenBlog and the Memphis Commercial Appeal's The Memphis Edge.

Suck on that, Deadspin! Eat it, Sporting Blog! Uncomfortably crap that one out, Kissing Suzy Kolber! I'm better than all of you! Or at least, the guys I work with are.

I'd go the humble route and say we don't really deserve it, and that all of the other nominees are just as deserving, but that would be a bunch of bullshit. Everybody knows it's not true, and I'm not going to lie to you about it.

We rule!

Now whether or not this means I get a raise, I don't know, but you can be damn sure my bosses will be hearing my case.

The Vagina Dialogues: Sox Blow-Up Doll Debate, Part Deux

By now you've probably heard plenty about the White Sox blow-up doll controversy, a stunt by the players which Sun-Times reporter Carol Slezak labeled as sexist, lewd and offensive.

As many some my dad and Fornelli know, this female sports fan took serious exception to Slezak's column in a post here at FB.

To my surprise, Slezak sent me an email responding to my post and has graciously agreed to let me share it with you:

[Panger], as I wrote, it isn't about me (or my tolerance level). It's about all of us. I don't care what they do with their dolls in their spare time. But they don't belong in the workplace -- and that's what a locker room is when the doors open to the media. The Sox know this, Major League Baseball knows this. And as you can see from Kenny Williams' and Paul Konkero's comments yesterday, they know the display had no business being there.

Would you have found it funny if the Sox players had erected a racist shrine? I hope not. Why, then, do you think it's appropriate for them -- or anyone -- to demean women, intentionally or not? When women start being paid equally and promoted equally in the workplace, then we can all say it's no big deal. But until that day, I think it's important that we recognize the connection between such behavior [ie, the shrine] and the fact that women are still treated as second-class citizens in many important aspects of life. Unfortunately, by looking the other way, or trying to impress the guys that we're cool, and can hang with that, we're only perpetuating the problem. It wasn't that long ago that we weren't even allowed to vote.

Kudos and thanks to you, Carol, for taking the time to elaborate on your position. I am deeply appreciative.

That said, I couldn't disagree with you more.

I don't care what they do with their dolls in their spare time...

You think it's okay if men are disrespectful and sexist behind closed doors? Which is it? Either it's wrong or it's not. (And we wonder why guys are so damned confused.)

...But they don't belong in the workplace -- and that's what a locker room is when the doors open to the media.

It's a workplace before the doors are open to the media... just not yours. Yes, reporters are doing a job but they are invited guests and can have their invitations revoked at any time. (See: Hiroki Homma.)

What other place of business in America grants reporters unfettered access to its employees, much less the right to watch as its workers drop trou and shower? Hell, I'd love to take notes while playing "pass the TP" in the stall next to Mariotti but can't get past the security at the Sun-Times front door.

You're concerned that female reporters might be made uncomfortable by the display of a blow-up doll. What about a player's discomfort at having strangers with notepads staring at his junk while asking about that botched double play in the third inning?


Lest you claim women reporters stick to business, let me direct you to the very first paragraph of sportswriter Jane Leavey's autobiographical novel, Squeeze Play:

"You see a lot of penises in my line of work: short ones, stubby ones, hard ones, soft ones. Circumsized and uncircumsized; laid back and athletic. Professionally speaking, they have a lot in common, which is to say they are all attached to guys, most of whom are naked while I am not, thus forming the odd dynamic of our relationship."

An odd dynamic, indeed. Can you imagine a male reporter getting away with that? "You see a lot of vaginas in my line of work. Waxed, shaved, bushy, Brazilian, French bikini.... "

But that will never happen because the WTA, WNBA, LPGA don't allow male reporters inside their clubhouses except under tightly controlled conditions.

Talk about a double standard.

Nevertheless, I think they've got it right. I've never understood why anyone is allowed in the clubhouse after a game, male or female. It makes no sense to me. Athletes should have a right to some privacy. They should have a right to blow off steam, relax, enjoy a good laugh and have some harmless fun, which is precisely what I believe the blow-up doll "shrine" was. (Oh yeah, and you might want to call it something other than a "shrine" which, by definition, is an object of worship and veneration.)

As a woman, I have the right to decide for myself if something or someone is sexist. To me, these locker room antics were juvenile and incredibly lame. They were also trivial, instantly forgettable (were it not for your column), and lacking any ill intent. Most important, I experienced not one whit of suffering or uneasiness as a result of exposure to them.

There may be a reason why I feel this way and you don't, and it's not a desire to impress the guys or be cool. As you wrote,

When women start being paid equally and promoted equally in the workplace, then we can all say it's no big deal. But until that day, I think it's important that we recognize the connection between such behavior [ie, the shrine] and the fact that women are still treated as second-class citizens in many important aspects of life...It wasn't that long ago that we weren't even allowed to vote.

And it wasn't that long ago men were hanged for rustling cattle. Welcome to the 21st century.

In urban areas, women are now earning more than men. As of this year, nearly 60% of all college students are women. Half of all law school and med school students are women, though many law schools are seeing a drop in female applicants because there are so many opportunities available for women now in other fields. Less than one hundred years after getting the vote, there's a woman who has fallen just 200 delegates shy of the being the Democratic nominee for president.

American women are like the second place car in a NASCAR race driving with a full tank of gas and just three laps to go against a leader who's running on fumes.

As long as we stay on the track, we've got this won.

Look at the facts. We live in a world where men still genitally mutilate millions of women, murder them in "honor killings," force them into arranged marriages or prostitution, take them onto soccer fields and shoot them for adultery, set them on fire for not having a large enough dowry...

Yet here, in just the last fifty years, American men have done something no other group in modern history can claim: they have bloodlessly (albeit reluctantly and hamhandedly) ceded large chunks of their power over to women.

Their reward? We get our La Perlas in a twist because some ball players pull a schoolyard prank in the locker room.

Is this really a matter worthy of column inches? Or is this just the gender version of the flag pin controversy?

I'm not a fool: there's still rampant sexism and injustice out there that we must actively resist. Evolution is a messy business. But we risk making further progress when we women fail to distinguish between the trivial and the significant. How can we enlist both genders to rectify true injustices when we're too busy rapping men's knuckles with rulers over a harmless joke?

American men are getting way more right than wrong. Columnist Cynthia Hemel summed it up well over twenty years ago:

During the feminist revolution, the battle lines were again simple. It was easy to tell the enemy, he was the one with the penis. This is no longer strictly true. Some men are okay now. We're allowed to like them again. We still have to keep them in line, of course, but we no longer have to shoot them on sight.

So what do ya say, Carol, let's dispense with the absolutism, cut the boys some slack, and have a laugh. We have the power now, we can afford to.

How wisely will we use that power? Well, that's another matter entirely.




Like I said, evolution is a messy business.

A Trip In The Jay Mariotti Time Machine

You didn't honestly think Jay Mariotti wasn't going to return from his vacation at the Chicago Sun-Times to get his digs in on the White Sox after the whole blow-up doll incident, did you? You'd have to be a fool to think that Jay wouldn't use such a prime opportunity to rip on those whom he loves ripping the most.

The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side. After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, ``Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,'' well, you'll never guess what happened.

It took him only three sentences before he was able to blame Hawk Harrelson for blowing Floyd's no-hitter, I think that's a personal Mariotti record. That little vacation treated him well, as it's obvious he's fired up, but are you really blaming an announcer for jinxing a no-hitter, Jay? Are you also afraid to step on cracks in the sidewalk for fear of breaking your mother's back?

Also, aren't you the same guy who ripped the Cubs apart for the way they reacted to Steve Stone in the radio booth a few years ago? Can you give us a quick set of guidelines on in which situations broadcasters actually affect the games, because it would help out a lot.

It's just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn't deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow. It isn't news, of course, that Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I'm just wondering how he's still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I'd understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

Just take out the words "Ozzie Guillen" and replace them with "Jay Mariotti" and you'll have a basic feel as to how most Chicago sports fans feel about you, Jay.

The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution, as opposed to Guillen, who belongs in one. Thanks to the Blizzard of Oz and his rogue enablers, chairman Jerry Reinsdorf and general manager Ken Williams, the Sox have taken the low road so often the last three years that people associate them more with their manager's stunts, slurs and ill behavior than the big trophy itself. The Three Stooges complain often about the Cubs and why they rule the town, relegating the Sox to second-team, inferior-story status even after their glorious 2005 run. The social phenomenon isn't hard to explain.

The Cubs are easy to like.

The Sox are easy to loathe.

Okay, time to bust out the Jay Mariotti Time Machine. Today we'll travel back in time an entire two and half weeks, all the way to April 20th 2008.

On that day, Jay had this to say about the Cubs.

The problem with the Friendly Confines is that they've become relentlessly unfriendly and increasingly obnoxious and stupid. Fueled by alcohol, ego, 100 years of institutional futility and a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, in the state of Illinois, in what is supposed to be the clear-thinking heartland of America, a lot of Cubs fans seem to think they're bigger than the players, the manager and the games.

But lately -- and brace yourselves -- Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

As we move back forward in time, a full day to April 21st, 2008, we had Mariotti say this about the White Sox.

I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

There's no noise pollution or contrived testosterone in the air, just a b.s.-free commitment to focus, surprisingly good pitching and winning.

So in a span of 48 hours, the Cubs had become everything that was wrong with society and the Sox were a model of efficiency. Now, as we come back to present time, the Cubs are easy to love and the Sox are easy to loathe.

Could Mariotti have flip-flopped on an issue? It can't be so!

It's amazing how a losing streak can change one's point of view on everything. Also, Jay, as for blaming Ozzie, Kenny, and Reinsdorf for the Cubs being more popular than the Sox in this town, it's probably important to remind you that that was the case long before any of those three had anything to do with the organization. Of course, you didn't get here until 1991, so you wouldn't know that.

Yeah, it actually had a lot more to do with the Cubs having their own television network in WGN that contributed to their popularity. God knows it wasn't the winning (sorry, had to), and if anything else, Ozzie has made the Sox more popular because everything he does now becomes a national story.

As for which team is more popular all around, who the hell really cares? What the hell are any of us really bragging about anyway? One trophy in 200 combined years? Oh boy!

Charles Barkley Is a Dumbass

See, I told you.

Sox Shrine: Blown Way Out of Proportion

Dear Ms. Slezak,

I read your column yesterday, the one where you excoriated the White Sox organization for the players' blow-up doll "shrine" erected (no pun intended) in their Toronto locker room earlier this week.

You called it sexist and had some pretty harsh words for the players and their bosses:

I'm sure the players' moms, wives, sisters and daughters are really proud of them. Way to go, guys. And just so we're clear, the tired ''boys will be boys'' excuse no longer works.

But it starts at the top. I'm pretty sure Guillen was born without a sensitivity chip, but what about general manager Ken Williams and chairman Jerry Reinsdorf? What about commissioner Bud Selig, who ordered Guillen's 2006 sensitivity training? Verbal or not, intended or not, the blow-up doll shrine said a mouthful about how the Sox organization views women. And I don't like what I heard.

As a card-carrying member of the Estrogen Patrol, I just have to say (with thanks to John Riggins): Lighten up, Carol, baby.

It was a joke. I'm sure you've heard of them. You might have even laughed at a few now and then (though given your joyless sermonizing, I have my doubts).

Carol, you're a sports writer, not a gardening columnist. If you haven't witnessed anything like this before, you probably haven't been doing your job very well.

These guys are doing what they can to turn things around and try to win baseball games. Emphasis on guys. You know, the ones with penises. They think shit like this is funny.

Hell, guess I'm gonna have to apologize to the Blah Blah Sisterhood cuz I thought it was funny too. A touch dumb ass but entertaining, nonetheless. It didn't even occur to me to be offended.

You write:

Can you imagine the Yankees... building a similar shrine in their locker room, in full view of clubhouse visitors?

Good point, Carol. I'm sure the esteemed Yankees organization told Roger Clemens to take down that Miley Cyrus poster he had taped to his locker.

No matter what draconian gender laws are passed, however many sensitivity training sessions are held - however vigorously you try to shame the hormones out of 'em - there is a simple fact you cannot dismiss with a wave of your hand: Boys will be boys.

Why can't women just laugh at it? Why do we have to take everything so damned personally, turn every light-hearted moment into a Lifetime movie?

To me, the bottom line is simple. How do the players and owners treat real women?

Have you, Carol, ever received poor treatment from a member of the White Sox organization? (And by poor, I mean worse than they treat Mariotti?) Have you ever been denied a story or a quote or access to a player or executive? Have you ever seen a player or executive show disrespect to a female employee or fan?

If yes, then you have a bully pulpit, let's hear about it.

If you haven't, then get over it.

Better still, perhaps you might turn your critical eye onto your own profession. Do you have an equally dim opinion about the sports media that appear intent on placing living, breathing female blow up dolls on the sidelines of every game? Is that worthy of a column from you?

Carol, if you were offended by the shrine, so be it. You have every right to cluck disapprovingly about what these guys did.

But please don't claim to speak for me or other female Sox fans, much less player's mothers, sisters, wives and daughters.

You see, some of us have vaginas and a sense of humor.

It's The End of Sports News As We Know It

I figured it was only a matter of time before Ryan Parker tackled this subject, and I'm happy he did.

(Via Deadspin)

Reds Radio Booth Continues Making Friends

Monday marked the first time that the Chicago Cubs and Cincinnati Reds met since Reds radio announcer Marty Brennaman called Cubs fans "the most obnoxious in baseball" after they threw a bunch of baseballs on the field. Marty then followed that comment up by calling Cubs fans "brain dead" a few days later.

Needless to say, those comments didn't make Brennaman very popular amongst Cubs fans (though White Sox fans no doubt loved it). Well, Brennaman's partner in the radio booth, former Red Jeff Brantley, decided to one up his colleague on Sunday...

Continue reading at FanHouse

Asshole Of The Week: Buzz Bissinger

Welcome to Asshole Of The Week, where every Friday your trusty Foul Balls editor picks out the one person from the previous seven days who makes him think, "Man, what an asshole." It could be anybody from an athlete, an owner, someone in the media, or just anybody who happens to catch my ire.

This week's Asshole Of The Week is none other than author Buzz Bissinger.

Shocking, I know. For the last few days the entire sports blogosphere has been ablaze with the story about Bissinger's tirade against Deadspin's Will Leitch and sports blogs everywhere on HBO's Costas Now. (If you haven't seen it yet, go here.)

Now, I hadn't seen the show until yesterday but had been reading about it everywhere, and going off what I read on other blogs, I was expecting Bissinger to turn green, quadruple in size, and rip Will's head off before defecating down his exposed throat.

After seeing it, I think my fellow bloggers were overreacting a bit. Don't get me wrong, Buzz did act like jackass (see below), but I think the anger many expressed stems primarily from protective feelings towards blogging and Will Leitch. Let's face it, a lot of the readers of Deadspin are sycophants worshipping at the altar that is Will, and when their savior is questioned, they respond in such a manner.

I don't intend that as an insult, because I'm a huge fan of Leitch's writing myself, and having downed beers with him and heard him sing karaoke in the real world, I'm an even bigger fan of him as a person. When Bissinger accuses Will of being "full of shit," he couldn't be more wrong. Will is as genuine a person as I've ever met, and trust me, what you see is what you get.

On to the matter at hand, Bissinger did make one or two valid points. For example, when Buzz started talking about Will posting pictures of Matt Leinart partying at his house with some girls during the offseason, and questioned what exactly makes it news, I agreed with him. I don't think it's really news, either. It's just unfortunate he offered his opinion in such a maniacal manner, an approach that makes it too easy to dismiss him as a has-been scribe terrified that he and others of his ilk are becoming increasingly more irrelevant with every passing day.

But Bissinger's other criticisms just didn't make sense. He brings up Leinart party pics but doesn't make any note of the fact that there are thousands of posts that have been on Deadspin that have absolutely nothing to do with drunk athletes.

I'm not even going to get into the hypocrisy that is Bissinger's railing against Deadspin and the sports blogosphere for its vulgarity and profane nature by using nothing but profanities himself. (He came off as someone who suffers from a combination of Tourette's syndrome and a methamphetamine addiction: "You motherfuckers cuss too much and show too many cocksucking motherfucking titties! It fucking makes me sick! Shit, cock, tits, balls, asshole!") And let's not forget Buzz's comment that Will is like "Jimmy Olson on percocet." Yeah, saying things like that in no way conflicts with the argument you're trying to make.

But what Bissinger did on Costas Now that really pissed me off was that he jumped feet first on the bandwagon of journalists who question what makes a blogger qualified to offer any opinion at all. To Bissinger we're nothing but a bunch of ignorant morons who know nothing of what we speak because the majority of us don't sit in a press box, and many don't possess the sheepskin that certifies we can write.

What bullshit.

I don't need to watch a game from a press box to see what's going on. In fact, I get a better view from my television at home. As for where I find the nerve to share my opinion, it's that little thing our entire country was founded on called the Bill of Rights featuring my favorite one line, something about "freedom of speech."

This may come as a shock to the learned Buzz, but you don't need a college degree to understand how to form complete sentences, and then put them alongside other complete sentences and form paragraphs. I learned how to do this in grade school.

What also drives me nuts is how he implies blogs are solely responsible for the impending downfall of newspapers and other types of print media. That's just asinine. Yes, it's all Deadspin's fault that the newspapers are going down the crapper. It's not the fact that a few huge conglomerates, like the Chicago Tribune, are buying up all of the local papers, slashing funds and shedding most of their experienced staff, which in turn leads to much smaller and more poorly written rags. (Trust me, I'm one of the few people in my age group who still reads the newspaper every single day, be it the print version or online.) Nope. It's that post on Deadspin in which Ben Roethlisberger is wearing a t-shirt that says "Drink Like A Champion Today" that's killing American journalism.

Buzz has the nerve to say we're responsible for the dumbing down of America? Really? Corporate-produced television has nothing to do with this? Have you been watching lately? While there are actually smart and informative shows still on - you just have to look for them - the majority of air time consists of glorified karaoke performances, "celebrity" dancing, and washed up rock stars trying to find "the one." I'm guessing that there are a whole lot more people who can tell you who got eliminated from American Idol last night than there are that could tell you who is running for the democratic nomination right now.

I'm also sure the dumbing down of America has absolutely nothing to do with the increasing impotence of our public schools as funding continues to get slashed, schools are forced to ax vital programs, kids are crammed 30 into each classroom, and undeserving students are passed just so the schools don't lose what little funding they do receive. Nope, it's that damn Big Daddy Drew! Damn him and those dick jokes!

I guess I'm just sick and tired of being viewed as ignorant by people who claim to judge me and my fellow bloggers without ever actually reading what we write. Sure, I take my shots at writers like Jay Mariotti from time to time, but I actually read what he has to say first. It's called "research," something I'm apparently incapable of doing since I've never been in a press box.

Also, did you ever notice how there isn't this great divide between the "establishment" and bloggers when it comes to other areas? How come politicos like Tim Russert, James Carville, and George Will never complain about all the political blogs out there? They don't get all bent out of shape when somebody who doesn't have a political science degree, or doesn't work on Capitol Hill, shares opinions on issues they don't have intimate knowledge of.

Yet, in sports, which in the end are utterly meaningless and have no effect on anything of real importance, there is this huge rift between the "have credentials" and "have nots."

C'mon, folks, sports are nothing but a distraction from our everyday lives. An escape from the mortgage, the boss, and the wife.

And this leads me to the one thing that pisses me off more than anything else. Buzz Bissinger is arrogant enough to truly believe anything he's ever written has some sort of value in the world. It doesn't. At the end of the day, nothing he's ever written, nothing Will Leitch has ever written, and nothing I've ever written will ever mean anything. Trust me, one hundred years from now nobody will be saying, "Man, Buzz Bissinger's Friday Night Lights changed the world."

That Buzz thinks otherwise is what truly makes him the Asshole Of The Week. Congratulations, Buzz. I hope you're dumber for having read this.

Why You Have To Watch TNT's Inside The NBA

Honestly, I love the NBA playoffs, and I've also been pretty open about my love for TNT's Inside The NBA. I mean, I watch the damn show religiously during the regular season, and like the teams they cover, Ernie, Charles, and Kenny step up their show in the postseason.

In last night's show, Kobe followed up his amazing performance against the Nuggets by stopping in and doing an interview with the guys, and of course, that video of him jumping an Aston Martin came up.

This is when the awesome happened.

See, this is what television should be like all the time.

Is Something Wrong With Jay Mariotti?

I'm worried, seriously. I know Mariotti had a procedure done on his heart last January (insert "Mariotti has a heart?" joke here), and he came out all right, but I'm starting to worry something may be wrong with Chicago's most polarizing columnist.

Things started out normal enough on Sunday when Jay was ripping Cubs fans for being Cubs fans:

Hey, you. Yes, the dope throwing a baseball on the field at the same time 14 other dopes throw baseballs on the field. You are not the story. You think you're the story, in part because the media have overdosed in romanticizing the fan experience at Wrigley Field. But in truth, you're just an assclown (They're letting assclown into the Sun-Times now? Who says blogging hasn't had an impact on the mainstream media!) who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.

And, you. Yes, the frightening excuse for a human being who sold a crude and racially insensitive t-shirt at a stand across from Wrigley. You are not the story. You think you're the story, because in your pathetic little world, making fun of Kosuke Fukudome with images of a slanted-eyed cub from the official team logo and oversized Harry Caray glasses -- with ``Horry Kow'' spelled out in Japanese -- somehow is good business. But in truth, you and the idiots who bought such garbage need one-way tickets to another planet.

And, you. Yeah, the derelict who fell into the left-field basket on Opening Day.(You're famous, Silvio!) You are not the story. You think you're the story, like a lot of people who sit in the bleachers and realize the TV cameras always are on because, you know, only the cool kids sit out there. But in truth, you deserve to be ridiculed by YouTube surfers who note that your shoe remained in the basket after you were pulled out.

The problem with the Friendly Confines is that they've become relentlessly unfriendly and increasingly obnoxious and stupid. Fueled by alcohol, ego, 100 years of institutional futility and a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, in the state of Illinois, in what is supposed to be the clear-thinking heartland of America, a lot of Cubs fans seem to think they're bigger than the players, the manager and the games.

Nothing out of the ordinary there, though he may be making a bigger deal of it than is necessary. I mean, this isn't exactly the first year the Cubs have had drunken morons in the bleachers. Still, at the end of the column, Mariotti dropped this bomb that caused me to start becoming concerned.

But lately -- and brace yourselves -- Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

Whoa. I never thought Jay would say something like that, and it took me some time to come to grips with it. Then I woke up this morning, and my mind was absolutely blown.

I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

There's no noise pollution or contrived testosterone in the air, just a b.s.-free commitment to focus, surprisingly good pitching and winning. Not long ago, Williams cracked wise about his intense approach to his job and said, "Maybe I'm just not a happy person." Well, at the moment, life is one big Zoloft pill for the 24/7 general manager. The Sox are leading the American League Central, playing steady baseball as the heavily favored Tigers and Indians encounter issues that could linger. They're receiving sharp outings from Williams' two colossal pitching gambles, kid starters John Danks and Gavin Floyd, which gives them a chance to have four reliable rotation arms. The Nick Swisher deal is paying dividends in hustle and personality, despite that epidemic of facial hair he helped launch, and though I'd much rather have Miguel Cabrera, the Other Cabrera is a bottle of glue at shortstop.

He then goes on to write an entire column about the White Sox in which he doesn't rip on them once. He doesn't even work in a dig at Jerry Reinsdorf or Hawk Harrelson! (Though he does mention the story about the Cubs possibly throwing the 1918 World Series. Nice to know you're still a fan, Jay.) What the hell is going on here?

Is Jay losing it? Has he gone soft?

Of course not. It's obvious what's going on here. Jay is hoping that somehow the positive vibe he sends towards the south side will somehow cause the White Sox to collapse and blow this early season lead they have in the AL Central. It's the only logical explanation.

I'm on to you, Jay.

Great Moments In White Sox Television Broadcasting: Hawk's Erection

Okay, so I'm watching the White Sox and Rays game and during the 4th inning Hawk and D.J. got into a discussion about base stealing in the minors compared to the Majors. Well, D.J. explained that while he was a base stealing threat in the minors, by the time he got to the Majors he'd lost his knack for swiping a base.

Here's a transcript of part of their exchange.

D.J.: If you don't use it, you lose it.

Hawk: I wish you'd stop saying that.

D.J.: Well, I know that it affects you personally (snicker).

Yes, that's right, they made a reference to Hawk's (in)ability to get an erection. Apparently, he gone.

Now if you don't mind me, I'm going to go kill myself.

Blogging Will Get You Fired

I'm not sure how many of you loyal Foul Balls readers are also readers of Kissing Suzy Kolber, but if you are, then you're more than familiar with the blogger over there who goes by the name of Christmas Ape. Along with writing for KSK, Ape also contributes on Deadspin from time to time.

Well, Ape is going to have a lot more free time to blog because he's been fired from his "real" job over at the Washington Post for what he's done on KSK.

Anyone who had 48 hours in the Ape Gets Fired For Coming Out On KSK Pool, please claim your prize of Cunt Puncher tattoo at the door. (link NSFW)

Upon sacking, I was told that I brought “discredit to the paper” with my choosing to drink at bars in my free time. Any good journo knows to keep the flask in the desk. That NFL PostSecret series also garnered far too few comments for their liking.

So now in lieu of a three-hour commute and tedious busywork, I can make the same amount of money writing the Further Adventures of Marmalard from my apartment. Sure, health insurance is nice, but it’s no constant masturbation breaks.

Still, getting escorted out of the building by security was no fun, and sharing the elevator with Dana Milbank on the way out was even worse, but none of that compares with the withering scorn of Jean Grey.

Ape, also known as Michael Tunison to non-internet nerds, seems to be handling it pretty well, and frankly he's right. He could make more money at KSK than he could doing what he does at the WaPo.

Still, it's utterly ridiculous that Tunison would be fired because he likes to get drunk at Steelers games and write satirical posts about Philip Rivers. Thankfully, my bosses at the Justice League still don't know about this blog. Let's keep it a secret, okay?

ESPN Needs To Work On Some Things

Staying on today's A.J. Pierzynski theme, I now present to you video from last night's game against the Tigers. Pierzynski and Mark Buehrle got crossed up on signs, and while A.J. was expecting a breaking ball on the outside corner, Buehrle threw a fastball up and in.

The result?

Home plate umpire Jeff Kellogg taking a fastball to the head. Not that big of a deal really, but as Jon Miller points out during the following video, Kellogg was wearing a mic. And ESPN listened to the audio before playing it for all of us to hear.

Yet for some reason they didn't edit out A.J.'s F-bomb.

Not exactly the worst offense in the world, but you'd think that ESPN would have caught it before putting it on the air. Though, to be fair to ESPN, it was the second time you heard Pierzynski say "fuck" on the air last night. After popping up a Verlander fastball in the 2nd inning, A.J. let out a loud "Fuck!" that was picked up by all the microphones around home plate.

Bob Costas Wants Me to Get a Life

Am I a bad person because I keep a sports blog?

I know I'm a bad writer (hey, you get what you pay for, folks) and a bad ass, but I'm really scared I'm a horrible person for keeping this blog. After all, that's what people like Michael Wilbon, Jay Mariotti, and other writers and media folk keep telling me.

I wasn't too worried about it before, because I figure, as newspaper columnists, these guys are all just reacting to the shrinking newsrooms that surround them and the shrinking papers their companies keep putting out (seriously, the Sun-Times has become a fucking pamphlet), and look at bloggers and the internet as the reasons for their demise.

Then Bob Costas had to go and say this, and I'm not sure what to think anymore.

"...it's one thing if somebody just sets up a blog from their mother's basement in Albuquerque and they are who they are, and they're a pathetic get-a-life loser, but now that pathetic get-a-life loser can piggyback onto someone who actually has some level of professional accountability and they can be comment No. 17 on Dan Le Batard's column or Bernie Miklasz' column in St. Louis. That, in most cases, grants a forum to somebody who has no particular insight or responsibility. Most of it is a combination of ignorance or invective.

"It's just a high-tech place for idiots to do what they used to do on bar stools or in school yards, if they were school yard bullies, or on men's room walls in gas stations. That doesn't mean that anyone with half a brain should respect it.''

Bob then jumped down off of his booster seat and piggybacked a ride to the bathroom. It's on the second floor, and that's a lot of work for those little legs.

I don't get it. I'm a loser because I have an opinion on sports and I share it with the world? Just what the fuck do you do, Costas? I'm pretty sure it's the same fucking thing. What the hell did you do in your life before getting your first gig any differently than me that qualifies you as somebody whose opinion should actually count?

Just because you're pissed off that Inside the NFL got cancelled, don't go taking it out on me.

Besides, I'm more qualified to do this than you are, and I can prove it. Let's go to the tale of the tape!

Height

• Fornelli - 6'2
• Costas - 4'7

Edge: Fornelli

Weight

• Fornelli - 230 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal
• Costas - 105 pounds of smugness (I can make up words if I want to, it's my blog) and estrogen

Edge: Fornelli

Hometown

• Fornelli - Chicago
• Costas - The Land of Oz

Edge: Fornelli

Education

• Fornelli - The streets, son!
• Costas - Syracuse

Edge: Costas, but barely

Ethnicity

• Fornelli - Italian/Scottish - Not only are we responsible for the movies Gladiator and Braveheart, but there was that whole Renaissance thing, ruling the world for a while, and of course, pizza.
  
• Costas - Greek - Enjoy having sex with underage boys. (Mostly so Bob can look his lover in the eyes.)

Edge: Fornelli

Childhood Hero

• Fornelli - Michael Jordan
• Costas - Mickey Mantle

Edge: Fornelli

Penis Size

• Fornelli - Unknown, ran out of tape measure
• Costas - 3.4 inches when fully erect

Edge: Fornelli

Movie Character Most Closely Resembled

• Fornelli - Michael Corleone from The Godfather
  
• Costas - Rudy from Rudy

Edge: Fornelli

The numbers don't lie, Costas! That's 7-1 me, asshole.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm going to go upstairs and tell my mom to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. It's time to celebrate.

Have Comcast and the Big Ten Network Finally Reached an Agreement?

I've always been a huge college basketball fan, but this year has felt a lot different. I haven't really been into the college hardwood this season, but not because I've grown tired of the sport, but because I haven't been able to watch the games that interest me most.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the ACC, the Big East, and the Pac-10 as much as anybody, but my true love is and always has been the Big Ten. Well, while not having the Big Ten Network didn't really affect my Big Ten football season since ABC and ESPN generally aired all the major games, it killed my basketball season.

All year I've had access to about three Big Ten games a week on my television. Now for those of you who have been able to watch the Big Ten all season, you may say that the network was doing me a favor, but still, I'd have rather found that out for myself.

So why am I rambling on about this right now? Well, because it looks like maybe, just maybe, the Big Ten Network and Comcast cable have finally come to terms and I may have the Big Ten Network by this fall.

After a flurry of backroom deals, the Big Ten Network appears poised to land its most significant carriage deal to date, as top executives from Comcast and Fox have agreed on the framework of an agreement, according to sources from both sides.

A signed deal could still be weeks, or even months, away, as lawyers from both sides hammer out the specifics. Snags still could develop, but sources are optimistic that a deal will get done.

Given the history of interaction between these two sides over the last year, I suggest you pay special attention to the "snags could still develop" part of that quote. No matter what these two say, I prefer to believe it when I see it.

As for what kind of compromise was reached to finally settle the impasse between the network and cable giant, here's the plan.

Comcast agreed to launch the conference network on expanded basic through most of the Big Ten Conference’s eight-state region, as much as 94 percent of it, according to one source. Previously, Comcast was adamant against launching on expanded basic to a such a wide area.

Meanwhile, Big Ten Network relaxed its demand to launch the channel on expanded basic everywhere in the eight-state market. The channel will allow Comcast the flexibility to place it on digital basic in various markets within the footprint, including Philadelphia.

Which makes so much sense it's no wonder why it took them a year and a half to figure it out.

I'll be keeping my fingers crossed.

Jay Mariotti Is Transparent

So the general consensus in Chicago about the White Sox hiring Steve Stone to join their radio booth is that it's a good move. I've already made clear my approval and everybody I've talked to about it thinks it's similiarly great.

Sox fans would have been thrilled to hear the news they were finally free of Chris Singleton, and the fact that Stoney is replacing him is just icing on the cake.

Cubs fans have even told me that they're going to have to start listening to Sox games.

Everybody's happy! Even our old friend Jay Mariotti, though Mariotti is a fan of the move for completely different reasons.

In his column today, Jay writes about how he hopes Stoney will tear the entire White Sox franchise down.

So what happens when a fearless, incisive radio analyst is hired by a franchise with a crybaby owner, a volcanic manager, a brooding general manager, a long- winded radio partner, a hillbilly homer in the TV booth, a media-obsessed catcher and a hypersensitive fan base always searching for an enemy?

Seems all hell will break loose, as it often does in Steve Stone's world of truth, justice and calling out wretched baseball as wretched baseball.

Mariotti is right about one thing, Stone isn't afraid to speak his mind on what he thinks he's watching. After all, that is why he's no longer calling Cubs games after he ripped on the team a few years ago.

Unfortunately, Jay is off in his assumption that the team is going to revolt against Stone like the Cubs did.

Why would Ozzie Guillen care what Stone says? When the Sox suck, Ozzie is telling anybody who will listen about how bad the team is. Are we really supposed to believe he'll give a shit what anybody in the booth is saying?

Then there are those "hypersensitive fans always searching for an enemy." Um, Jay? While we'll ignore the "hypersensitive" comments, I feel the need to tell you we're not searching for an enemy. We have one, and we've had him for a while.

It's you, jackass.

Let's be honest here, Jay. The only reason you wrote about Steve Stone was as cover for what you really wanted the column to be about:

It will happen because Stone is unblushingly honest in his daily appraisals, contrary to Reinsdorf's other broadcasters, who are so fearful of the chairman's wrath -- or so far up his hind-end -- that they become pathetic weasels who somehow tip-toed over a 72-90 stinker last season. Harrelson, in particular, has become the biggest embarrassment in the industry, a shameless shill who keeps his job only because he gushes over Reinsdorf at every opportunity and does the chairman's dirty work by hurling pebbles at real and perceived enemies of Soxdom, which only paints the organization as amateurish and low-brow.

We get it. You don't like them.

Next time you're itching to use your column to take a few digs at Ozzie, Hawk Harrelson, and Jerry Reinsdorf, just write about how much you hate them. Forget the bullshit angles.

Steve Stone Is Back

Okay, so it's looking like March 4th is the best day of 2008 so far. At least it is for White Sox fans. Not only did Brett Favre announce his retirement this morning, but Chris Singleton has apparently left the White Sox radio booth to go do some Baseball Tonight work at ESPN. (Why am I not surprised that ESPN would hire Singleton? He's incredibly boring and has trouble completing sentences at time. It's basically a perfect fit.)

His replacement? Steve Stone.

This is amazing news because listening to Chris Singleton on the radio with Ed Farmer was intolerable. They were horrible together.

Stone was already slotted to be doing a few games in the radio booth with Farmer and Singleton this season, but it's now going to be a full time job, and I couldn't be happier about it. I've never made a secret of my fondness for Steve Stone, even though he called Cubs games. He was the main reason I even watched Cubs games growing up, well, besides the fact that I didn't have cable in my room as a kid, and there was also the possibility of seeing the Cubs lose.

Now if only we could convince ESPN to hire Darrin Jackson away, and we could move Stoney into the television booth with Hawk Harrelson.