Ricky Williams Wants To Be A Doctor

Things have been going well for Ricky Williams lately. He just signed a new contract extension with the Miami Dolphins, and will be the team's starting running back when they start the season this Sunday.

Still, as we all know about Ricky by now, football isn't something he loves to play as much as it's his job. It's just something to do to help pay his dealer bills. Ricky also knows that at the age of 31, this football thing isn't going to last forever, which is why he's currently enrolled in school to help prepare for life after football. What does he want to do? Well he wants to be a doctor of course.

Williams wants to become a doctor, and Nova has a program that will allow him to study Osteopathy.

''Hopefully, when I'm 40, I'll be starting my next career,'' Williams, 31, said.

These are obviously high aspirations, but Williams said he realized he was gifted in the field of holistic medicine, which is encouraged in Osteopathy, during his world travels.

''I like seeing people feel better, and I know what it feels like to deal with pain,'' Williams said.

I'll bet you know what it's like to deal with pain. Unfortunately (or not depending on your point of view) your idea of dealing with pain is lighting a joint. Ah, yes. I can see it now.

(Ricky walks into examination room as patient sits on table)

Ricky: Dude, like, you have cancer or something.

Patient: Oh no!

Ricky: Don't worry, bro. I got just the thing.

(Ricky pulls out bag of marijuana)

Ricky: It's from my own personal stash, bro. This will take care of everything.

Patient: Marijuana will cure my cancer!?

Ricky: You have cancer, dude? Whoa, harsh. You wanna get high?

Patient: Damn HMOs!

And they say there's a health care crisis in this country.

Joakim Noah Is Lucky He's Only Been a Bull for One Season

Over my four-day weekend I heard what was probably the most shocking news of my entire life. Joakim Noah was busted in Gainesville, Florida for walking around with a cup full of cognac, and he had a joint hidden inside a pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

I just couldn't believe it. Joakim Noah smokes cigarettes!? How can anybody in the NBA get up and down the court if they have a smoking habit? I smoke, and when I'm playing basketball with my friends, I'm usually pretty winded after five trips up and down the court. Luckily for me, as my friends and I get older, I find I'm not the only one walking up the court most of the time.

What didn't shock me was the fact that Joakim had a joint on him. I mean, anyone who has ever heard Noah speak or saw the way he dressed at the NBA draft knew that guy enjoys a toke from time to time. The idea of an NBA player getting high doesn't really surprise anybody.

Of course, another thing that hasn't surprised me is the reaction that this story has gotten in the Chicago media. I'm kind of confused here, where is all the outrage? Jay Mariotti wrote a column about it today, but the bulk of it is centered around the NBA's marijuana problem as a whole (including a bit where Jay admits he dabbled in the demon weed as a young man), and not on Noah.

Where's the column demanding that the Bulls release Noah right now, as he is dragging the team down with his constant marijuana abuse and immature behavior?

I seem to remember seeing a lot of columns written by a lot of different Chicago columnists the last few weeks telling me that Cedric Benson needs to be released twenty minutes ago.

Let's compare what the two players did. Benson was on a boat with family and friends having a good time on Lake Travis. The same Lake Travis where there are constantly people out on their boats drinking with family and friends having a good time. Benson was accused of being drunk and disorderly with the cops, and got pepper sprayed. Cedric says he was 100% cooperative, and that the cops were the ones who were wrong. So far Benson has had a few witnesses come forward and support his claims. Not to mention that the police have audio of what actually happened out there that day, but for some reason, they don't want to release the tape.

Joakim was walking down the street with a cup of cognac and a joint in his pocket.

Both are exactly the type of thing you'd expect a college kid to get busted doing, and whether or not Cedric is telling the truth, neither arrest is really that big of a deal. A sign of stupidity or immaturity on Joakim's part, sure, but nothing major.

Yet after the Benson story broke, there were all those columns about how the Bears need to just cut their losses and move on from the Cedric Benson Era. Aside from Mariotti's column, I haven't seen anything remotely close being written about Noah, even though he's had just as many run ins with coaches and teammates in his lone season as a Chicago Bull as Cedric's had his first few seasons with the Bears.

I guess the lesson here is it's okay to break the law and act immature, just as long as you haven't been labeled a bust yet.

Cedric Benson Should Have Had Ricky Williams On The Boat

The latest person to come out and criticize Cedric Benson for whatever happened on Lake Travis is Hall of Fame running back, and fellow Texas Grad, Earl Campbell. Speaking at a private golf event in Texas yesterday, Campbell said that Benson should take more responsibility for his actions and decisions.

"I think at some point you have to stand up and take responsibility and realize that you not only represent Cedric Benson and the Chicago Bears and your family," Campbell told the newspaper. "It's bigger than that. You represent the university family. You as a man should have some pride in what you do."

Yeah, who cares if you embarrass your family, but you can't embarrass your old school! Dear Lord, the scandal! More important than anything Campbell said, were the words of another former Texas running back who was also present at the same golf event: Ricky Williams.

Had Ricky been there, things would have been a lot different.

"I think if I had come down, things might have worked out a little bit differently," Williams said. "I find I have a calming influence on people I'm around. As a high-level athlete, it's just something that's ingrained in me. I always think that if I'm there, things would be different. I can't say how."

Yes, Ricky, you do have a very calming influence on the people around you, but it's got nothing to do with being a "high-level" athlete. No, it's that pound of weed and four-foot bong you take with you everywhere you go.

Get Ready For The Shock of Your Lifetime

You're never going to believe this, but a certain NFL quarterback that's currently suspended and about to go to jail for dog-fighting tested positive for marijuana.

I know. Shocking.

Mike Vick has tested positive for marijuana.

A urine sample submitted by Michael Vick has tested positive for marijuana, and as a result he'll have tighter restrictions on his freedom.

The test was taken on Sept. 13. Because of the positive test, federal court probation officer Patricia Locket-Ross, who is assigned to Vick, asked Judge Henry Hudson to place special conditions on Vick's release, which include refraining from use or unlawful possession of a narcotic drug or other controlled substance.

Also, Vick must submit to any method of testing at any time.

I'm sure nobody saw this coming, I mean, it's not like Vick and marijuana have been linked before.

In other shocking news today, Rex Grossman still sucks, and I'm gorgeous.

(Thanks to Kissing Suzy Kolber for the photo. Which of course they took from The Onion.)

Freddy Garcia Is Not A Fan Of Equipment Carts

Oh Freddy, I've missed you since you left for Philly. Not so much for your pitching, which was excellent, but for your crazy stoner mishaps.

I don't know what it is, but there's some kind of jinx on Phillies who used to play for the White Sox. They keep running into things. Whether it's Aaron Rowand face planting into outfield walls, or now Freddy's recent encounter with an equipment cart.

Well, this certainly is going to go down as one of the most bizarre injuries of the season. Freddy Garcia, while shagging flies before Sunday's game with the Giants in San Francisco, crashed into an equipment cart near the warning track. It turned out to be only a bruised and scraped shin with no fractured bones, but it puts his Monday start against Arizona in jeopardy.

To be honest, I'm not surprised Garcia ran into the cart. What surprises me is the fact he noticed. Much like Towelie, he's usually so high that he has no idea what's going on.

It's too bad he wasn't driving a car, because then had he plowed into a tow truck sitting in the middle of the road, we might have considered him a hero.

Mike Vick Likes The Sweet Cheeba

Michael Vick raised some suspicion at Miami International Airport Wednesday morning. Why?

Cuz he wouldn't throw away his water bottle.

The reason, police say: The plastic bottle had a secret compartment that, when opened, had a dark residue and a pungent odor of marijuana.

Vick boarded his 8:20 a.m. AirTran flight to Atlanta before screeners called police. Now Miami-Dade police are examining the bottle and could charge him if it tests positive for drugs.

Who knew Mike Vick would end up a victim of terrorism?

The Miami police notified the NFL of their investigation.

It all started when Vick was asked to ditch his water at a security checkpoint. Passengers are not allowed on a plane with more than three ounces of water. Vick initially refused to do so, but eventually he relented, and boarded the plane.

Still, Vick's hesitation made Transportation Security Administration screener Gertrude Joseph a little bit suspicious. So she went to the garbage can in which Vick threw out his bottle, and got it out of the garbage. Once she discovered the hidden compartment, she notified her supervisor.

After checking surveillance footage, police said it corraborated with Joseph's story.

''The concealed compartment contained a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana. The top half contained a small amount of clear liquid. When held upright the bottle appeared to be half full of water."

-Miami-Dade Detective Kevin Kozak

All we know is that with Vick's "alleged" troubles with "cold sores," we're gonna have to take a rain check next time he passes the dutchie to us.

(Thanks to Silvio for the tip)