Other Sports Scandals That Require Immediate Congressional Intervention

Some naysayers out there have their man panties in a twist about Congress spending its time on steroids and Spygate. These nabobs of negativism would have Congress focus on matters like pharmaceutical company price gouging, repeated White House lies about the Iraq war, the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, a looming recession...

What. Ever.

Me, I’m in favor of Congress devoting all its time and attention to sports issues. Cuz what’s more important, unregulated energy trading markets that allowed Exxon to register a record-breaking $41 billion profit last year or Patriots home movies of Bob Sutton sneaking the Ninja Star to Omare Lowe?

Exactly.

In fact, I think Congress should be delving more deeply into the serious national issues that trouble every true American (and by true American, I mean sports fan), to wit:

Giselle Bunchen. Bitch promised to run through the streets of New City naked if her boy toy lost the Big Game. Now she’s reneging? If there’s anything that pisses off elected officials, it’s people who make promises they don’t keep. This calls for an investigation! Does Giselle have a current visa? Does this “Victoria" have some other secrets? I say, haul her in before the Committee on Homeland Security, put her under oath, and demand some answers. And make her wear the Santa suit.


Hot Russian female tennis players. What's the story here? I mean, how did it happen that suddenly every comely "-ic" and "-ova" are top contenders on the tennis circuit? This is a troubling turn of events, as it severely reduces the pool of Russian brides available for American men, not to mention affecting the quality of strippers at Scores. But there is a deeper, darker secret lurking here and Maria Sharapova holds the key. Maria is from Chernobyl. You know, "worst nuclear power plant accident in history" Chernobyl? Maria calls herself a survivor of the deadly event. Here's the problem with that: Chernobyl occurred on April 26, 1986, a year before she was born. Extensive research (I've watched X-Men, X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand) leads me to an inescapable conclusion: Maria is a mutant. This means she and her other ex-Iron Curtain mutant cronies have a totally unfair advantage over our American women tennis players who - as Lindsay Davenport (left) so tragically demonstrates - use nothing to enhance their play, much less appearance. I'm not sure which Senate committee handles superhuman beings, but thinking it's probably Foreign Relations, so I call on you, Senator Biden, to subpoena Sharapova's shapely mutant ass. And make her wear Giselle's Santa suit.

IndyCar Crisis. Seriously, how many more crashes have to occur before Congress wakes up and takes the necessary action to stop these unsafe drivers? I don't know about you, but I blame Danica Patrick. (Did you see the Detroit Grand Prix? Buddy Rice running out of gas.... yeah, sure.) Senator Innoye, Chairman of the Transportation Committee, you know what to do. Make her wear the Santa suit and her helmet.

SwamiGate. C'mon, Chris Berman must be breaking some FCC law, right? For God's sake, you guys on the Select Committee on Intelligence can dig up actionable dirt on him if you just make a little effort. A syringe, a crushed Miller Lite can, a leather stain...anything. And please, please, please, make him wear that Santa suit.

Foul Balls

Urlacher Has Neck Surgery - Well, it appears Brian Urlacher had a good reason for his less-than-stellar season.

Urlacher recently had neck surgery to correct a problem detected during a routine postseason physical, sources confirmed Thursday night.

Surgeons performed a procedure on Urlacher's lower neck region to address something believed to be affecting the cervical curve of the spine, according to a person familiar with the surgery. Urlacher was said to be experiencing soreness before the surgery

While no one is going on the record, sources at Halas Hall claim the surgery wasn't serious - comparing it to "typical postseason medical maintenance." According to them, Urlacher will be back before training camp opens.

Speaking from personal experience, I can state unequivocably that there is no such thing as "routine" neck surgery. Not to mention the guy's thirty - which makes him "sixty" in football years. Sorry, but this can't be good news for the Bears.

Regardless, here's wishing Urlacher a speedy - and full - recovery.

U-G-L-I-N-I - I didn't get a chance to see last night's game against Indiana but from all accounts, it was not Chester Frazier or the Illini fans' finest hour.

As the Hoosiers stretched before the game, [Illinois] students chanted, "Traitor! Traitor" and then "Liar! Liar!"

Moments later, the Hoosiers headed back to the locker room to a chorus of boos.The "Liar" chant commenced again just before the game, along with an obscene one from students in the Assembly Hall's upper reaches.

When Chester Frazier met Gordon at midcourt to shake hands during introductions, he delivered a hard chest-bump that knocked Gordon back a step and seemed to stun him.

It was such a brutal hit, the TV analysts suggested Frazier receive a technical.

According to Jay Marriotti, the Frazier push and the crowd's threatening behavior made Gordon's father, there for the game, "grateful he'd hired a security guard for his son."

A security guard for a kid playing a college basketball game? All because he changed his mind about going to Illinois? Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age but since when did American sports fans go Euro?

The Kobe Talks Aren't Over

John Paxson is a good man. He's also a terrific general manager. What he's done for the Bulls since taking over the sinking ship Jerry Krause left behind is amazing. The Bulls have gone from a team that was lucky to win 15 games a year, to being considered a favorite in the East thanks to the players Paxson has drafted during his tenure.

He's just an all-around wonderful person, even if he is lying to you.

With seven words, John Paxson calmed his annoyed team, restored sanity to the rumor mill and pulled the Bulls out of the Kobe Bryant sweepstakes for now.

"There's not a deal to be done," Paxson said Thursday at a crowded Berto Center.

"We talked a lot about parameters, but specific things, we never got down to the nuts and bolts of it because there was never a deal to be done," Paxson said. "That's the reality of it. People can make it what they want. But it's time to put it to rest."

Don't believe the lies!

John Paxson and the Bulls aren't done pursuing Kobe Bryant. This is all just a strategic move on Paxson's part. He's not lying when he says there just hasn't been a reasonable deal yet, but that's the key, yet.

If you look at the history of superstars being traded in the NBA, it's never an easy affair. It's just this Kobe situation is the first time I can remember where the proceedings were done in such a public manner.

Here's the reality of the situation. Kobe still wants out of Los Angeles. Jerry Buss still wants rid of Kobe. Kobe still wants to come to Chicago.

Paxson knows all this. He knows that if he "kills" the trade talks now that over time the Lakers asking price is going to drop. It's not as if the Lakers are going to morph into a great team suddenly, and Kobe is going to want to stay. At some point in the future the Lakers are going to say, "Fine. We'll take Gordon, Thomas and a couple of draft picks."

Then Paxson will pull the trigger.

So don't for a second think that this story is over, because it isn't. Maybe not this week, or in the next, but at some point the Bulls and Lakers will be re-opening the trade talk.

Foul Balls - Tennis Edition!

The Japanese Love Snapper - This is going to come as a bit of a shock to most of you, but it turns out that the Japanese are a little bit freaky. Which is why Maria Sharapova is suing a Japanese photographer for taking some "risque" pictures of her while she was shooting an ad for Canon. From The Smoking Gun:

A top advertising executive who allegedly enjoyed photographing the crotches of unsuspecting females, snapped a close-up shot of Maria Sharapova's nether region as the tennis star posed for a Canon camera ad, according to a new lawsuit. In the complaint, filed yesterday in U.S. District Court in New York, Steve Biegel charges that he was fired by Dentsu Holdings, the giant Japanese advertising agency, after complaining about the photographic hobby of Toyo Shigeta, the firm's CEO, who allegedly distributed the Sharapova photo to subordinates. Included as an exhibit to Biegel's lawsuit, which alleges a variety of other lewd behavior on the part of Shigeta and other Dentsu executives, is the purported photo of Sharapova, which can be seen below. The image, Biegel contends, was surreptitiously snapped by Shigeta in April 2005 during a break in the filming of a Canon commerical at a tennis center in Key Biscayne, Florida. According to Biegel, a Dentsu creative director who oversaw the Canon ad campaign, Shigeta used a telephoto lens to take the "crotch shot."

Ah, yes. The long heard of, but seldom seen, crotch shot. Personally I don't see what the big deal is. From the only photo of the incident I've seen (pictured above), it doesn't look like anything all that inappropriate. In fact, I've seen plenty of pictures of Sharapova in the blogosphere and at sites like ESPN that leave a lot less to the imagination when it comes to Maria's special place. Like say, this one, or this one, or even this one for example.

Frankly, I think Shigeta should be seen as a hero for he is clearly doing God's work.

Martina Hingis Loves The Coke - Nobody's been taking pictures of Martina Hingis' nether regions, at least that we know of, but I guess it's possible she wouldn't mind if you snorted coke off of it.

Hingis officially retired from professional tennis yesterday, but she also decided to share with us that she tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon back in 2005. Despite the positive test, Hingis denies she ever used drugs.

"I have tested positive but I have never taken drugs and I feel 100 per cent innocent," Hingis said.

"The reason I have come out with this is because I do not want to have a fight with anti-doping authorities."

So just to be clear, Hingis retires the same day the news of her positive test comes out, then says she isn't going to fight the positive test, but wants us to believe she never did cocaine.

Riiight.

Unimportant Sports Presents: Speedminton!!!!

In the spirit of Wide World of Sports, once a week, Foul Balls will bring you up close and personal with a sporting event that matters to millions of people, just not us Americans... also known as "Unimportant Sports!"

What sport combines tennis, badminton, racquetball and squash, can be played on the roof, beach, park or in a dark room, lets you paint your face like an Aboriginal tribesman, has reggae and ska music playing on the PA during tournaments and, most important, gives you the chance to drive your shuttlecock into a famous fantasy sportswoman?

Oh, yes, friends, you know the answer: Speedminton!

Speed badminton was invented by a German named Bill Brandes, who wanted to create an outdoor version of badminton.

The game of speed badminton -- which has a small but hardy cult following in Europe and is now making its way into the U.S. -- offers up a super-fast sport sans net. Known as Speedminton, the game uses a shorter, springier racquet and bouncier birdie than badminton, and can be played on almost any large, flat space, even in the pitch black, a variation that's dubbed "blackminton" in Germany.

Here's a little video that gives you a taste.



Did you make it through to the last minute? Then you got to see the "here, smoke this" version of the sport, Blackminton.

"It's more festive than Speedminton, because it's done at night under black lighting," says Régis D'Andrea, 34, who is starting a club in the city of Colmar, in northeast France. "The makeup reflects the black light, and you see only the equipment and the makeup."

There are groups playing all over France, especially in the country's southwest. People paint elaborate designs on their bodies, often sleek lines or colourful "tattoos." Some create painted masks to look menacing. Others try to highlight their physique. (Still others, depending on who's invited, will sketch on their bare torsos things slightly less family-friendly.)

The birdie is outfitted with a small, phosphorescent tube, so it looks like freakish, hurtling firefly.

Blackminton is ideal, D'Andrea says, "to unwind and let off steam." Usually, there's pumping, loud music to accompany play, typically electronic, house or reggae music, "anything with big sounds and a strong beat," he says.

The first-ever tournament is being played this very weekend in New Orleans.

But wait, there's more. You know who's hawking this new sport?

Maria Sharapova.


Yeah, that Maria Sharapova. Here's her doing an ad for Speedminton.



Which means, Speedminton is more than a sport. It actually provides mere mortals opportunities once only dreamed of.

Say you find yourself this week ambling down Church Road next to the All England Lawn Tennis and Croquet Club. Your Speedminton bag is flung carelessly over one shoulder, you're fingering your flourescent shuttle cock... when suddenly you hear a voice.

"Wow! You play Speedminton?"

You turn and see this.

"Yes, yes I do," you reply confidently.

"Mmmmm, you're my kind of man. Come watch me play Wimbledon and then we'll sneak off and screw each other for a week or until you get bored with me, whichever comes first."

And to think, all cuz you read Foul Balls.

No need to thank me. I'm just doing my job.

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The Newest Hot Female Tennis Player Is...

It all started with Anna Kournikova, but soon the masses realized that while they appreciate hot chicks, they like hot chicks who are successful more. So eventually Kournikova gave way to Maria Sharapova.

She was attractive, and actually won tennis tournaments. A crazy concept to follow.

Well, now Sharapova has lost in the French Open semifinals, and she may have lost more than just the match. Like her title of It Girl in the tennis world.

Meet Ana Ivanovic.

FRENCH OPEN FINALIST TOUTED AS THE NEXT KOURNIKOVA: As we get ready to the watch the Spurs take a steaming dump on the soon-to-be-short-lived Lebron James craze, we've so far spent today inspecting the demolition of Maria Sharapova by a 19-year-old cutie named Ana Ivanovic.

CNBC's Darren Rovell is already calling the exotic beauty the "new 'Ana" of tennis": "The corporate world is a little bit down on tennis right now, but if I were a sports marketer, I’d take the jump on the Ivanovic bandwagon right now."

Her early photos are gorgeous, and it appears she's transitioning nicely into womanhood, as Mary Carillo pointed out today on ESPN2: "She's burned off a lot of the baby fat that she was carrying years ago."

Don't know about you, but we're on her baby fat bandwagon too.

Yes, I'll have to keep an eye on her career. Not because I want to, but because I'm just that dedicated to the job.

Bang Bang

That's how Oracene Price described daughter Serena William's annihilation of Maria Sharapova, in yesterday's Australian Open, 6-1, 6-2.

I watched the match. Well, such as it was - it only took 63 minutes, a brutal and brilliant display of dominance. 81st seed Williams made number one seed Sharapova look like an amateur.

I mean, Sharapova played so bad, she looked like a young Anna Kournikova.



Which reminds me why Fornelli allowed me to post about women's tennis this weekend.

A Story: The Women's 2007 Australian Open

There was once a girl named Maria. She was very happy...

...probably because she was a great tennis player. Oh yeah, and prettier than most other girls. She knew how to hit the ball....

How to play the net....

And she worked hard to avoid injury...

Even when she wasn't playing, her mind would drift to tennis...

... as she would contemplate ways to improve her game...

"Gotta remember, on a serve my arm goes above my head."

She worked so hard that one day, she became the best in the land...

In another realm, there was another girl. Her name was Serena. She had once been the greatest...

...But now struggled with her game. No one gave Serena a chance, even though she still was in top form...

...But Serena never gave up. No one noticed while she practiced and practiced...



Then one day, the two girls met...

And Serena killed the blonde bitch.

THE END

New Years Means New Calendars

Calendars are really important. If we didn't have them, how in the hell would we know what day it was?

Chaos would reign, and the world as we know it would end.

Thankfully, Maria Sharapova is aware of this dangerous problem. She's come out with a new 2007 calendar which will help you remember what day it is and what month you're in.

She's a sweet kid. She's pretty good at tennis too!!

Okay, let's stop pretending to write an actual post now, and get to the gratuitous photos.