An Interview With Charlie Weis

Anybody who reads this site regularly knows that my feelings towards Charlie Weis have started to sour quite a bit this season. That tends to be what happens when my favorite college football team loses nine games for the first time in school history.

It's not just the losing though. If I was able to stand by the Bulls during those 15-win seasons, I can stand by Notre Dame if I have to. The problem I now have with Weis is that while his cocky attitude is palatable while the team is winning, he needs to tone it down while the team is losing. I mean, your team is getting embarrassed week in and week out, what the hell do you have to be so confident about? Besides that 10-year contract, I mean.

Still, Charlie must not be aware of any of these feelings of mine, because he agreed to sit down and do an interview with me yesterday.

This is that interview.

Foul Balls: Hello, Coach Weis. Thanks for taking the time to talk with us today.

Weis: It's my pleasure, but I have to tell you I don't have much time.

FB: It's ok, we'll take what we can get. So let's start with the obvious question, what the hell has happened this season?

CW: I don't know.

FB: You don't know? Aren't you supposed to have a feel for this kind of thing being the head coach?

CW: Yeah, but like I said after last week's game, I'm teaching these kids what it takes to win football games, they just aren't learning it.

FB: So you're not a bad coach, you just have stupid players?

CW: Yeah, you could say that.

FB: You are one smug son of a bitch, do you know that?

CW: I wouldn't say I'm smug.

(Weis then yawns and prominently displays his Super Bowl rings in my face)

FB: It was pretty nice of Tom Brady to buy that for you. So, moving on, players on Air Force said that the problem is not that your team lacks the talent, but that they have no confidence. What do you have to say to that?

CW: I'd say it's pretty accurate. These guys aren't as confident in themselves as they should be. I don't know why, I mean, I'm their coach. They should have all the confidence in the world because I'm a genius.

FB: I have a theory as to why they lack confidence.

CW: Let's hear it.

FB: Could it be that you're just so overconfident and large, that you kind of work like the sun?

(Baffled look)

FB: What I mean is, due to your girth you have a stronger gravitational pull, and you are sucking up all of your players confidence. Leaving them without any, and making you the ginormous douchebag that you are.

CW: Did you just call me a douchebag?

FB: Yeah.

CW: Well, that isn't very nice.

FB: Well neither is being a douchebag, but it hasn't stopped you from being a douchebag, douchebag.

CW: I don't have to sit here and take this. I'm Charlie Weis! I'm leaving.

FB: Later, Coach Douche.

See, this is why I don't do many interviews. Sooner or later I always end up calling the person I'm talking to a douchebag. Even if they aren't. It's a sickness.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go come up with some defense tactics for the inevitable onslaught of barrages from Notre Dame haters after we lose to Duke on Saturday.

Foul Balls

Smoke, Ricky, Smoke - In a victory for pothead athletes everywhere, Ricky Williams has been reinstated by the NFL.

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell has decided to reinstate Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams after a suspension that lasted 18 months because of Williams' violation of the league's substance abuse policy, sources told ESPN.

The Dolphins haven't decided whether or not they're going to welcome Ricky back, and they have two weeks to make a decision. I don't see why they wouldn't because, well, look at them. They're horrible.

If they decide to let him go, maybe the Bears can sign him. Then maybe Ricky can start smoking up with Cedric Benson, and Cedric can get suspended. Everybody wins!

More Bad News For The Colts - The Colts have now lost two games in a row, but really, they didn't have that much to worry about before. Yeah they lost to New England at home, but they didn't have Marvin Harrison and only lost by four.

Then they followed that loss up with Sunday night's loss to San Diego. Well, they played that game without Harrison, Dallas Clark, or Anthony Gonzalez. They also lost players like Dwight Freeney during the game, and even though Peyton Manning threw six interceptions, they still only lost by two points.

So even in the bad, there was good. Today though the Colts learned that it may be all bad, as some sources say Dwight Freeney may miss the entire season.

Though more tests have to be completed for the team to make a final determination, a source said Tuesday that Freeney might have suffered a Lisfranc injury in Sunday's loss to the San Diego Chargers. If additional tests verify the initial diagnosis of the midfoot injury, the source said Freeney will need season-ending surgery.

Players who have suffered Lisfranc injuries, even those not needing surgical repair, have needed months to rehabilitate.

If you don't know what a Lisfranc injury is, don't worry. Aside from being a blogger and sex machine, I'm also a doctor. A Lisfranc injury is basically a fracture and dislocation of the joints in the midfoot, where a cluster of small bones forms an arch on top of the foot between the ankle and the toes.

So it's like the bridge between his little piggies and heel has snapped in half.