Joakim Noah Speaks Out

As has been clearly evidenced by the complete lack of Bulls coverage here the last few weeks, I'm done with the NBA season until the the playoffs start. In a way, you could say I've quit on the team. Though you couldn't blame me for it, because the team quit on itself a long time ago.

Just this week the Bulls have lost to a D-League team in the Miami Heat, and they got blown out by an Orlando Magic team last night that has absolutely nothing left to play for. Yet, at no point during either of those games did it seem like the Bulls even had the slightest interest in winning the game, and therefore, I have no interest in seeing them play.

And fans like myself aren't the only one growing frustrated with this team. Just listen to what Joakim Noah had to say after last night's loss.

"It's a disease, and it spreads throughout the whole team," Noah said calmly. "It's just really, really hard right now because regardless what we do, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, especially for this season.

"We're not really playing with a lot of pride and respect for the jersey. It's just hard because you can't point at anybody individually. It's just our togetherness as a team is just bad. You can talk about Florida. But if you're a Bulls fan, I'm not a champion anymore. We're losers. We lose. That's all we do. That's all there is to say.

"There's going to have to be a serious team talk before the end of the year about our approach to every game and things that are going to be tolerated and not tolerated. Not little stupid things. I'm talking about winning and the sacrifices that need to be done to win."

Oh wait, there's more.

"I don't know what's going to happen next season, who is going to be here and who is not," he said. "But we have to perform. We're just not putting the effort out there and making the sacrifices to win.

"Is there a nucleus right now? Not the way we've been performing. Is there potential? Yeah, but there's potential on every team in the NBA. That doesn't mean anything at the end of the day. The only thing that matters is W's and L's."

Anyone see anything wrong with this? No, I'm not talking about the fact that a rookie is saying these things. I love the fact Joakim is talking like this, because at least he cares. What I want to know is where are Ben Gordon, Luol Deng, and Kirk Hinrich in all of this? Aren't they the veterans? Aren't Ben and Lu both playing for long term deals this summer? Doesn't Kirk already have that long term deal?

Where the hell is the drive in this team? I don't know if they just completely revolted against Scott Skiles, and then they continued it when the inept Jim Boylan took over or what, but this has been one of the most pathetic Bulls seasons I think I've ever lived through. Yes, that includes the years after MJ left, because those teams were supposed to suck.

This team has a ton of talent, and they've just chosen not to use it this year. It's fucking sad.

Everything Joakim said is dead on, and I can only wish that somebody else on this "team" cared half as much as he did.

Jim Boylan Has an Odd Interpretation of the Word 'Control'

I think it's pretty clear at this point that Jim Boylan's title as interim head coach of the Chicago Bulls is exactly that: interim. He's not coming back next season, not with the way this Bulls team has played and acted since he took over for Scott Skiles on Christmas Eve.

Not only has he shown that he's in way over his head here, but now he's showing signs that he's losing grip with reality. You see, Jim still thinks he's in control.

"It doesn't really matter what other people say," Boylan said. "I just know that what I do in the locker room and with this team, I'm in control. I run this team. We have guys with strong character. We've had a couple of situations where people used poor judgment. I don't think it reflects entirely on the team.

"We have some guys who are very serious about their craft. Some of the other guys need to emulate what they do. If we do that, we'll be fine. If not, there will be other consequences."

You're right, Jim. It doesn't matter what anybody like me says, because nobody really needs to say it to begin with. The fact you've lost control (assuming you ever had any in the first place) is painfully obvious.

Tyrus Thomas is skipping practices, Chris Duhon is skipping town and sleeping through morning shootarounds, and Aaron Gray is yelling at you on the sidelines. And that's just what's happened in the last week.

The last few Bulls games have been on national television, so that means coaches and players have been mic'd up. During those last few games there have been a number of times the networks have shown Boylan in the huddle with the team during timeouts, and I swear to God I haven't seen a single Bull even looking at Boylan while he's talking, let alone listen to him.

If there's a bright side for Boylan, it's that he only has 19 games left to go before he's finally cut loose.

Running With the Bulls: A High Stakes Game of One-on-One Part 2

If you haven't read Part One, none of this is going to make sense. Though to be fair, it probably won't make sense if you have read it.

When we last left the Chicago Bulls, John Paxson and Joakim Noah were about to kill each other, and coach Boylan went and got Ben Wallace to save the day. Oh, and Kirk Hinrich got thrown out of a second story window.

Now, the exciting conclusion.



Location: Hyatt Regency, Orlando, FL.

Date: Tuesday January 15th 1:37PM

(John Paxson's hotel room where he and Joakim Noah continue to argue)


Joakim Noah: Come on, Mr. Paxson? A high stakes game of one-on-one for our lives? How do we die? It's basketball!


John Paxson: It's simple! We play to 11, and the winner gets to shoot the loser in the face.

JN: Jesus Christ, bitch. Isn't that kinda harsh?

JP: It's basketball!!

JN: Do we even have a gun?

JP: Of course, I carry one at all times. It's under my pillow.

JN: Ok! Enough of this bullshit! I ain't playing for my life, bitch. I get it. I'll start getting to practice on time. I'll keep my mouth shut. I'll fall in line.

(Paxson pulls out a gun from his waistband)

JP: NO YOU DO NOT GET IT, JOAKIM NOAH. YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY GET IT JOAKIM NOAH. YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT BASKETBALL IS. WHAT BASKETBALL EMBODIES. WHAT BASKETBALL TURNS YOU INTO. YOU CAN NOT KNOW WHAT BASKETBALL IS FOR YOU HAVE NOT PUT IT ALL ON THE LINE, JOAKIM NOAH. YOU HAVE NOT PLAYED FOR YOUR LIFE.

JN: k.

JP: SO YOU WILL PLAY ME NOW, JOAKIM NOAH.....

(Ben Wallace kicks down the door to Paxson's hotel room)


Ben Wallace: Ben Wallace commands you to stop this crazy bullshit right now! Ya hear Ben Wallace!?

JP: Get out of here, Ben. THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

JN: Dude, bitch. I'm trying to get him to stop! He's lost his mind!!

BW: All of you shut up! We will put an end to this foolishness right here and now! You have both forgotten what basketball is all about! Basketball isn't about blastin' dudes in the face, or puttin' your life on the line. It's about something bigger than that. It's about a group of people coming together for one common goal. Sacrificing themselves for the group they have chosen to fight with. Only then can we rise up to the mountain top, and bring home the NBA championship. We owe it to ourselves, to work hard and maintain focus, and not fight about foolishness, and become the champions that Ben Wallace knows we all are. But most importantly, we do it for the fans. The fans that come out everyday to support us, and give us their hard earned dollar so that we may play for them. We owe it to them. And even more importantly than the most importantly, we owe to the great city we belong to. A blue collar city that's all about hard work. We owe it to Detroit!

(blank stares)


Jim Boylan: Actually, we play in Chicago, Ben. But that sure was a great speech!!

BW: Ben Wallace play in Chicago?

JB: Yes.

BW: El hijo de una ramera


Ben Wallace's Headband: You's a dumb motherfucker.

JN: Screw that, Ben Wallace is still right. I've learned my lesson here today. I've learned that there are things that are more important than what I want to do. I'm supposed to be a professional now, and I'm going to start working harder. I'm going to strive to be a better basketball player to not only help my team, but to help make myself a man. Thank you, Ben Wallace. Thank you for showing me the way.

BW: Oh shit, it's nothing, man. Ben Wallace is here to help.

JP: Wow, I'm sorry Joakim. I don't know what came over me. I guess I'm just under a lot of pressure lately because after Ben threw coach Skiles out the window, the onus of this is on me. I'm so sorry.

JB: It's okay, boss!

JP: NOBODY TOLD YOU TO SPEAK!!

(Paxson shoots Boylan in the arm)

JB: Won't happen again, boss!!

JN: You should probably get that looked at, coach. Let me take you to the trainer's room!

(Joakim takes coach Boylan to the trainer's room, and Ben Wallace and his headband go back to their room)

BW: It sure do make Ben Wallace feel good to be the hero! I make a great leader of this team.

BWH: Uh huh.

BW: You wanna watch Bukkake Bonanza 13 now, because there's nothing Ben Wallace loves to do more after being a hero than masturbate!

BWH: No man, I'm not in the mood anymore.

BW: But why not, Headband?

BWH: That shit you said in Paxson's room. That was the gayest shit I ever heard in my life. "People coming together for one common goal." My fucking logo shrunk that shit was so gay, how the hell can I jerk off now?

BW: Whatever then.

(Ben Wallace puts a pillow on top of his headband, and enjoys Bukkake Bonanza 13)

(...as for Kirk Hinrich)


Kirk Hinrich: Help.

Coach Boylan: Here, have a Werther's Original!

The End

Running With the Bulls: A High Stakes Game of One-on-One

As I made clear yesterday, I'm just about finished caring about the Bulls this year. I don't know if it's the team itself, or the collective effort of every major sports team in Chicago this last year, but I just don't care anymore. This team is a joke this season, so I've decided to make them an ongoing joke here at Foul Balls.

So today I introduce a new series I'll be running here at Foul Balls called Running With the Bulls. I mean, if we can't enjoy them, we may as well laugh at them right?


Location: Hyatt Regency, Orlando, FL. John Paxson's room
Date: Tuesday January 15th 1:15PM

(Bulls general manager John Paxson awaits Joakim Noah in his suite. Jim Boylan is sitting on the couch. Joakim was supposed to be there at 1:00PM)


John Paxson: Where the fuck is this kid. Has he learned nothing? He's already 15 minutes late.

Jim Boylan: I saw him in the lobby a while ago boss, he's probably just caught up with the fellas!

JP: Well he's supposed to be in here. We need to have a talk about him maturing as a man.

JB: I'm sure he'll be fine boss! He brings much needed energy!!

(Joakim enters the office)

Joakim Noah: What up, bitches!? Sorry I'm late. We were having a players only meeting to gameplan for tonight's game against the Magic. We're going to try and force Dwight Howard to take jump shots and attack him on the defensive end.

JB: That sounds fantastic, Joakim!

JP: No it doesn't. Joakim, it's the coaching staff's job to come up with a gameplan, not the teams. The team is supposed to do what they're told.

JB: Oh, don't be so hard on him, boss! He's only trying to help. He brings such a youthful exuberance to the locker room and the court!!

(Paxson shoots Boylan a death stare)

JP: As I was saying.....Joakim. Let coach Boylan and his staff come up with the game plans, and you start worrying about making yourself the best basketball player you can be.

JN: How the hell am I supposed to do that if you people keep benching me? So I yelled at coach Adams. So what? Ben Wallace threw coach Skiles through a window. He didn't get suspended.

JP: You don't worry about Ben Wallace! You worry about Joakim Noah!

JN: That's so unfair! Ben gets to do whatever the hell he wants, and nobody punishes him.

JP: Ben is a veteran, he's earned that right. You still have to put in the time.

JN: This is bullshit.

JP: What's that?

JN: I said, this is BULLSHIT. The rules here are bullshit, this team is bullshit, everything is bullshit!

JB: Now, now, fellas. Let's not make a big ol' fuss! Who wants a Werther's Original!?

(Boylan pulls out a bag of Werther's Originals from his pocket)

JP: Boylan! Get the fuck out of my room.

JB: But why....

JP: Now!!!

JB: Yessir, boss!! Later, Joakim!

(Paxson turns back to Noah)

JP: Joakim, I'm tired of your behavior. This isn't college, we aren't in Gainesville. You aren't the big man on campus. I'm your boss, and you'll do exactly as I say.

JN: What the fuck ever. I'm out of here.

JP: That's it! There's only one way we can settle this. A high stakes battle of one-on-one basketball. You and me. Right now.

JN: High stakes? What will that solve? How much you wanna play for? $10,000? $20,000?

JP: Our lives.

JN: Are you fucking kidding me? Our lives?

(Paxson flies out of the room into the bathroom from whence he emerges with his battle garb)


JP: Let's do this shit.

(Meanwhile, outside the room, after overhearing the argument between Joakim and John Paxson, coach Boylan has run to the room of the only man who can help.)

(Ben Wallace sits in his hotel room watching Dora the Explorer)

Ben Wallace: Hola, mi nombre es Ben Wallace. ¿Cómo usted está haciendo hoy?

BW: Man, this Spanish shit is easy! Ben Wallace is learnin' at a 5th grade level!


Ben Wallace's Headband: Why the fuck are we watching this shit, Ben? Order some porn or something. Daddy needs to release some tension.

BW: Can't do it, man. Gotta game tonight, Ben Wallace need his legs!

BWH: Fuck that. You're gettin paid either way, right? This team ain't going anywhere. There's no Chauncey. There's no Rip. There definitely ain't no Rasheed Wallace. Ya'll fools ain't goin nowhere. Let's get some porn, and take a night off.

BW: Ben Wallace do miss Rasheed's tender touch. Now Ben Wallace is all sad!

BWH: And you know what makes Ben Wallace happy? Bukkake Bonanza 13.

BW: Oh, ok.

(There's a knock at the door)

BW: Oh shit. Somebody is at Ben Wallace's door.

BWH: Ignore it, we got work to do!

JB: Ben!? It's coach Boylan! I need to talk to you big guy! There's trouble a brewin'!!

BW: Oh no! Trouble! Ben Wallace will help!

(Wallace goes to the door and lets coach Boylan in)

BWH: God damn it.

JB: Ben! Mr. Paxson, sir and Joakim are gonna come to fisticuffs very soon! They're planning on playing a high stakes game of one-on-one!!

BW: They's gonna kill each other!?

JB: You sure are smart big guy! Yes! Yes, they're going to kill each other. Somebody needs to stop them.

BW: Oh I don't know that I can coach Boylan. Ben Wallace's Headband and Ben Wallace were going to watch Bukkake Bonanza 13. He really has hit heart set on it!

JB: Well, if that's what you want to do that's a-ok with me, Ben! I should remind you though, Mr. Paxson, sir and Joakim are going to kill each other.

BW: Hmmmmmmmm...that could be bad. As the team's highest paid player it's up to Ben Wallace to show young Joakim Noah the way!

JB: Way to take responsibility, big guy! You sure do impress me with your professionalism!!

BW: Headband! We must go! Get on Ben Wallace's head!

BWH: But I already ordered the movie!

BW: Let us go save a young man from making a tragic decision!

(Ben puts on his headband and heads to John Paxson's hotel room. As he comes to the elevators, Kirk Hinrich is getting out.)


Kirk Hinrich: Hey, Ben! Where you in such a rush too!?

BW: No time to talk, Harry Potter! Ben Wallace needs to save the day!

(Wallace then picks up Hinrich and throws him out a second story window.)

KH: Aaaaaaah!!

JB: Nice toss, Ben!! He broke through that glass clean!

BW: Ben Wallace is a man that feels if you ain't gonna do something right, you don't do it at all. Now let's go save the day.

Will Ben Wallace save the day? Will Joakim Noah ever learn his lesson? Will Kirk Hinrich survive his fall? Will Ben Wallace's headband ever get to jerk off?

Tune in tomorrow for the conclusion of A High Stakes Game of One-on-One!

Screw The Bulls

As I look around the web and through the newspapers, and listen to the radio, there's one big story in Chicago today: the Joakim Noah benching. I decided yesterday that I was going to write about it as well, but when I woke up this morning I stumbled into one big road block.

I don't care enough about this team right now.

In a year's time I've gone from being enamored with this team and their future to not even realizing they were playing on Sunday. It's tiring to try and follow these guys.

The cohesion between the players on the Bulls that had been so evident the last few years is gone. It's as though they've adopted an every man for himself philosophy, and it's not fun to watch.

Luol Deng and Ben Gordon seem too preoccupied with the fact they turned down $50 million extensions this offseason, and now they're trying to overcompensate on the court. Ben Wallace quit on Scott Skiles, and I don't care how much you hate a guy, when you're making the type of money Ben is making, you play every night.

In a weird way, this benching of Noah after a unanimous vote by the rest of the team is the first sign of this team coming together this season. Not exactly the way you'd like to see it happen though, is it?

When Jim Boylan took over I saw an energy from the team that wasn't there during the first month and a half under Skiles this season. It gave me hope that they'd turn things around, but that quickly changed when the same sloppy play the Bulls had exhibited all season continued. Only now that horrible decision had some motivation behind it!

Now it's as though the team has already tuned Boylan out as well. They didn't feel as though his one-game benching of Noah was enough, so they took matters into their own hands and told their coach he'd be benching Noah for another game as well.

Well, I've taken a players-only vote as well, and by a unanimous decision we've come to the conclusion that were stepping back from the Bulls this season. I'm not going to drop them completely or anything. I'll still watch games when I can, but much like the Bulls players have done this season, I'm going to stop caring.

If they don't give a shit, why should I?

Foul Balls

T.O. Is On Suicide Watch Again - There's no doubt that around the blogosphere and MSM this morning there will be a lot of talk about how Tony Romo going to Mexico with Jessica Simpson last week is the reason the Cowboys lost. It's not true, but it helps fill the pages and airspace, so why the hell not.

Romo set himself up for it, so now he's going to have to answer for it. At least we know he has one teammate who's going to be there for him.

Obviously, none of this should come as a surprise to you. Terrell has always been a team first guy who's stood by his quarterback through thick and thin. Just ask Donovan McNabb and Jeff Garcia.

Personally I think the only reason Owens is crying is because he saw the look on Jerry Jones' face on the sidelines after R.W. McQuarters' interception ended the game, and he's just scared Jerry is going to line up the entire team and shoot them.

Can't Believe The Colts Lost - A day later, and I'm still not sure how the Colts lost to the Chargers on Sunday. LaDainian Tomlinson didn't play in the second half, Antonio Gates was extremely limited with his dislocated toe, and Philip Rivers had to leave the game in the fourth quarter.

Meanwhile Peyton Manning threw for over 400 yards, so shouldn't the Colts have won this game by 24?

Seriously, Billy Volek? Billy Volek is leading the Chargers on game-winning drives on the road?

NORV TURNER HAS WON TWO STRAIGHT PLAYOFF GAMES!?

I don't know what the hell is going on here, people, but I'm scared for my life.

I'm also scared that next week's AFC Championship will feature a quarterback matchup of Tom Brady and Billy Volek. That should be exciting.

Eric Gordon's Still Good, Illini Still Suck - Illinois moved to 0-4 in the Big Ten after losing again on Sunday afternoon to Indiana. The story going into the game, of course, was about Eric Gordon facing the Illini.

It's the first time Gordon has played against the team he verbally committed to a few years ago before backing out on it and going to Indiana. He didn't disappoint either, as the Big Ten's leading scorer dropped 17 on the Illini and was a big part of the Hoosiers comeback win.

If there's anything positive to take from this game, it's that at least the Illini built a lead to blow in the second half! I figured they were going to get blown out of the water from the get go. It's progress, people!