Asshole Of The Week: Joe Mauer

Welcome to Asshole Of The Week, where every Friday your trusty Foul Balls editor picks out the one person from the previous seven days who makes him think, "Man, what an asshole." It could be anybody from an athlete, an owner, someone in the media, or just anybody who happens to catch my ire.

This week's winner of the Asshole Of The Week wasn't as easy for me to figure out as it has been in the first three week's of its conception. There wasn't that one person who really stood out to me this week.

For a while I thought about giving it to PETA for their reactions to Eight Belles dying at last week's Kentucky Derby. The only problem with that was then I'd have to pretend I really cared about horse racing, and I don't.

I also thought about giving it to Carol Slezak, but really, Panger is far more qualified to handle that situation than I am.

There was even some thought as to giving it to both Jay Mariotti and Rick Telander for their columns about Cedric Benson, and how the team should just cut him now immediately, even though the entire story hadn't surfaced yet. Just because he's not that good at football doesn't mean we should deny him a chance to prove his innocence first.

I decided against it though because I've given the Sun-Times enough grief this week, and really, giving Jay Mariotti an AOTW would be redundant. He's already the Asshole Of Every Day.

So, after much deliberating, in the end I had to go ahead and give it to Twins catcher Joe Mauer. After all, it was Mauer who broke up Gavin Floyd's second no-hit bid of the season with a one-out double in the 9th inning. Of course, there's a problem with giving Mauer the AOTW as well.

By all accounts, Joe Mauer is a nice guy and I've never read or heard a story saying otherwise. Plus, you can't really blame him for hitting that double. It is his job after all, and I don't think there are many players in baseball who want to be on a team that gets no-hit.

Still, it ruined my night. And I deserved that night too.

I've spent the last few years being tortured by sports teams in Chicago. As has been chronicled here at Foul Balls during the time, ever since the Bears lost Super Bowl XLI things have gone to shit around here. The Bears suck, the Bulls suck, the Sox sucked last season, and even though the Blackhawks improved, they still didn't make the playoffs. The only team that's had any success is the Cubs, and for obvious reasons, that doesn't exactly thrill me. Though even if it did, they still got swept right out of the playoffs.

When it hasn't been the teams themselves sucking, it's been off the field crap. Tank Johnson, Lance Briggs' car ride and contract situation, Brian Urlacher's family life and now his contract situation.

Ben Wallace's bad attitude, and Chris Duhon's partying.

Ozzie's mouth (actually, that's entertaining, but hearing the moaning about it gets annoying).

Sam Zell.

Even Benny the Bull is getting in on the act, if not spearheading it, with his reign of terror upon Chicagoland.

Everything in this city has just had a negative undertone when it comes to sports. So when I have an opportunity to take joy in something like a no-hitter, I don't take it for granted. It's the type of moment that helps a fan get through trying times like these, much like Mark Buehrle's no-hitter last season, or a Devin Hester touchdown return.

You took that moment away from me on Tuesday night, Mauer, and I don't appreciate it. And what did you accomplish by doing so? You still lost the game, but I lost happiness. You were going to lose anyway, why did you feel the need to rob that from me and other White Sox fans?

You're a sick and evil man, Joe Mauer, and you should be ashamed of yourself, but you aren't. No, when I look into your eyes, I don't see remorse. I see nothing. A cold, dark heart that has no feelings for anything but singles the other way and neatly trimmed sideburns.

Look into the eyes of a soulless man

And that, Joe Mauer, is why you're the Asshole Of The Week.

A Trip In The Jay Mariotti Time Machine

You didn't honestly think Jay Mariotti wasn't going to return from his vacation at the Chicago Sun-Times to get his digs in on the White Sox after the whole blow-up doll incident, did you? You'd have to be a fool to think that Jay wouldn't use such a prime opportunity to rip on those whom he loves ripping the most.

The team with no class almost spun a no-hitter. Filthy as the White Sox and their manager have been, Gavin Floyd somehow was filthier and nastier Tuesday night on the South Side. After Hawk Harrelson jinxed the young man by babbling, ``Call your family, call your friends, Gavin Floyd is three outs from a no-hitter,'' well, you'll never guess what happened.

It took him only three sentences before he was able to blame Hawk Harrelson for blowing Floyd's no-hitter, I think that's a personal Mariotti record. That little vacation treated him well, as it's obvious he's fired up, but are you really blaming an announcer for jinxing a no-hitter, Jay? Are you also afraid to step on cracks in the sidewalk for fear of breaking your mother's back?

Also, aren't you the same guy who ripped the Cubs apart for the way they reacted to Steve Stone in the radio booth a few years ago? Can you give us a quick set of guidelines on in which situations broadcasters actually affect the games, because it would help out a lot.

It's just as well. Ozzie Guillen didn't deserve to be bailed out by a classy, polite kid with hair combed across his forehead, low on his brow. It isn't news, of course, that Guillen is the clown doofus of sports, a disgrace to a city, a franchise, intelligent humanity and those of us who must chronicle his arrested-adolescent b.s. to the point of ad nauseum. I'm just wondering how he's still employed. If this was bad standup comedy, I'd understand why a trashy nightclub might hire him to humor drunks for $5.50 an hour.

Just take out the words "Ozzie Guillen" and replace them with "Jay Mariotti" and you'll have a basic feel as to how most Chicago sports fans feel about you, Jay.

The Sox can crow all they want about their World Series title, how they beat the Cubs to the holy grail. At least the Cubs still own their dignity as a Chicago institution, as opposed to Guillen, who belongs in one. Thanks to the Blizzard of Oz and his rogue enablers, chairman Jerry Reinsdorf and general manager Ken Williams, the Sox have taken the low road so often the last three years that people associate them more with their manager's stunts, slurs and ill behavior than the big trophy itself. The Three Stooges complain often about the Cubs and why they rule the town, relegating the Sox to second-team, inferior-story status even after their glorious 2005 run. The social phenomenon isn't hard to explain.

The Cubs are easy to like.

The Sox are easy to loathe.

Okay, time to bust out the Jay Mariotti Time Machine. Today we'll travel back in time an entire two and half weeks, all the way to April 20th 2008.

On that day, Jay had this to say about the Cubs.

The problem with the Friendly Confines is that they've become relentlessly unfriendly and increasingly obnoxious and stupid. Fueled by alcohol, ego, 100 years of institutional futility and a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, in the state of Illinois, in what is supposed to be the clear-thinking heartland of America, a lot of Cubs fans seem to think they're bigger than the players, the manager and the games.

But lately -- and brace yourselves -- Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

As we move back forward in time, a full day to April 21st, 2008, we had Mariotti say this about the White Sox.

I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

There's no noise pollution or contrived testosterone in the air, just a b.s.-free commitment to focus, surprisingly good pitching and winning.

So in a span of 48 hours, the Cubs had become everything that was wrong with society and the Sox were a model of efficiency. Now, as we come back to present time, the Cubs are easy to love and the Sox are easy to loathe.

Could Mariotti have flip-flopped on an issue? It can't be so!

It's amazing how a losing streak can change one's point of view on everything. Also, Jay, as for blaming Ozzie, Kenny, and Reinsdorf for the Cubs being more popular than the Sox in this town, it's probably important to remind you that that was the case long before any of those three had anything to do with the organization. Of course, you didn't get here until 1991, so you wouldn't know that.

Yeah, it actually had a lot more to do with the Cubs having their own television network in WGN that contributed to their popularity. God knows it wasn't the winning (sorry, had to), and if anything else, Ozzie has made the Sox more popular because everything he does now becomes a national story.

As for which team is more popular all around, who the hell really cares? What the hell are any of us really bragging about anyway? One trophy in 200 combined years? Oh boy!

Is Something Wrong With Jay Mariotti?

I'm worried, seriously. I know Mariotti had a procedure done on his heart last January (insert "Mariotti has a heart?" joke here), and he came out all right, but I'm starting to worry something may be wrong with Chicago's most polarizing columnist.

Things started out normal enough on Sunday when Jay was ripping Cubs fans for being Cubs fans:

Hey, you. Yes, the dope throwing a baseball on the field at the same time 14 other dopes throw baseballs on the field. You are not the story. You think you're the story, in part because the media have overdosed in romanticizing the fan experience at Wrigley Field. But in truth, you're just an assclown (They're letting assclown into the Sun-Times now? Who says blogging hasn't had an impact on the mainstream media!) who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.

And, you. Yes, the frightening excuse for a human being who sold a crude and racially insensitive t-shirt at a stand across from Wrigley. You are not the story. You think you're the story, because in your pathetic little world, making fun of Kosuke Fukudome with images of a slanted-eyed cub from the official team logo and oversized Harry Caray glasses -- with ``Horry Kow'' spelled out in Japanese -- somehow is good business. But in truth, you and the idiots who bought such garbage need one-way tickets to another planet.

And, you. Yeah, the derelict who fell into the left-field basket on Opening Day.(You're famous, Silvio!) You are not the story. You think you're the story, like a lot of people who sit in the bleachers and realize the TV cameras always are on because, you know, only the cool kids sit out there. But in truth, you deserve to be ridiculed by YouTube surfers who note that your shoe remained in the basket after you were pulled out.

The problem with the Friendly Confines is that they've become relentlessly unfriendly and increasingly obnoxious and stupid. Fueled by alcohol, ego, 100 years of institutional futility and a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, in the state of Illinois, in what is supposed to be the clear-thinking heartland of America, a lot of Cubs fans seem to think they're bigger than the players, the manager and the games.

Nothing out of the ordinary there, though he may be making a bigger deal of it than is necessary. I mean, this isn't exactly the first year the Cubs have had drunken morons in the bleachers. Still, at the end of the column, Mariotti dropped this bomb that caused me to start becoming concerned.

But lately -- and brace yourselves -- Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

Whoa. I never thought Jay would say something like that, and it took me some time to come to grips with it. Then I woke up this morning, and my mind was absolutely blown.

I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

There's no noise pollution or contrived testosterone in the air, just a b.s.-free commitment to focus, surprisingly good pitching and winning. Not long ago, Williams cracked wise about his intense approach to his job and said, "Maybe I'm just not a happy person." Well, at the moment, life is one big Zoloft pill for the 24/7 general manager. The Sox are leading the American League Central, playing steady baseball as the heavily favored Tigers and Indians encounter issues that could linger. They're receiving sharp outings from Williams' two colossal pitching gambles, kid starters John Danks and Gavin Floyd, which gives them a chance to have four reliable rotation arms. The Nick Swisher deal is paying dividends in hustle and personality, despite that epidemic of facial hair he helped launch, and though I'd much rather have Miguel Cabrera, the Other Cabrera is a bottle of glue at shortstop.

He then goes on to write an entire column about the White Sox in which he doesn't rip on them once. He doesn't even work in a dig at Jerry Reinsdorf or Hawk Harrelson! (Though he does mention the story about the Cubs possibly throwing the 1918 World Series. Nice to know you're still a fan, Jay.) What the hell is going on here?

Is Jay losing it? Has he gone soft?

Of course not. It's obvious what's going on here. Jay is hoping that somehow the positive vibe he sends towards the south side will somehow cause the White Sox to collapse and blow this early season lead they have in the AL Central. It's the only logical explanation.

I'm on to you, Jay.

Jay Mariotti Is Transparent

So the general consensus in Chicago about the White Sox hiring Steve Stone to join their radio booth is that it's a good move. I've already made clear my approval and everybody I've talked to about it thinks it's similiarly great.

Sox fans would have been thrilled to hear the news they were finally free of Chris Singleton, and the fact that Stoney is replacing him is just icing on the cake.

Cubs fans have even told me that they're going to have to start listening to Sox games.

Everybody's happy! Even our old friend Jay Mariotti, though Mariotti is a fan of the move for completely different reasons.

In his column today, Jay writes about how he hopes Stoney will tear the entire White Sox franchise down.

So what happens when a fearless, incisive radio analyst is hired by a franchise with a crybaby owner, a volcanic manager, a brooding general manager, a long- winded radio partner, a hillbilly homer in the TV booth, a media-obsessed catcher and a hypersensitive fan base always searching for an enemy?

Seems all hell will break loose, as it often does in Steve Stone's world of truth, justice and calling out wretched baseball as wretched baseball.

Mariotti is right about one thing, Stone isn't afraid to speak his mind on what he thinks he's watching. After all, that is why he's no longer calling Cubs games after he ripped on the team a few years ago.

Unfortunately, Jay is off in his assumption that the team is going to revolt against Stone like the Cubs did.

Why would Ozzie Guillen care what Stone says? When the Sox suck, Ozzie is telling anybody who will listen about how bad the team is. Are we really supposed to believe he'll give a shit what anybody in the booth is saying?

Then there are those "hypersensitive fans always searching for an enemy." Um, Jay? While we'll ignore the "hypersensitive" comments, I feel the need to tell you we're not searching for an enemy. We have one, and we've had him for a while.

It's you, jackass.

Let's be honest here, Jay. The only reason you wrote about Steve Stone was as cover for what you really wanted the column to be about:

It will happen because Stone is unblushingly honest in his daily appraisals, contrary to Reinsdorf's other broadcasters, who are so fearful of the chairman's wrath -- or so far up his hind-end -- that they become pathetic weasels who somehow tip-toed over a 72-90 stinker last season. Harrelson, in particular, has become the biggest embarrassment in the industry, a shameless shill who keeps his job only because he gushes over Reinsdorf at every opportunity and does the chairman's dirty work by hurling pebbles at real and perceived enemies of Soxdom, which only paints the organization as amateurish and low-brow.

We get it. You don't like them.

Next time you're itching to use your column to take a few digs at Ozzie, Hawk Harrelson, and Jerry Reinsdorf, just write about how much you hate them. Forget the bullshit angles.

About This Whole Scott Skiles Thing

I know the story is a few days old, but I didn't get a chance to talk about it then, so I'll talk about it now. The firing of Scott Skiles caught me off guard. I was at work on Monday morning when I got a call from Joey Mac. I didn't answer it, and later when I checked the voicemail I got this message.

"Hey Tom, Merry Christmas! Scott Skiles got fired!"

At first I thought Joe was kidding, because on Saturday night we were watching the Bulls game against Houston and the entire time I was complaining about this team and Skiles. Then more calls and text messages came in telling me the same thing.

My first reaction was, "Damn. On Christmas Eve?"

I quickly got over it though and moved on to the "What the hell are they going to do now?"

I'm not familiar enough with the inner workings of the organization to know what's really going on, but from all accounts it's the same old story for Skiles. His players just got tired of playing for him, and they'd essentially tuned him out. It happened to Scott when he was in Phoenix, and now it's happened to him in Chicago.

Is it his fault though? I mean, these guys are supposed to be paid professionals after all. I've had bosses at my job who I haven't been too fond of, but that doesn't mean I stopped doing my job. It's also not Skiles' fault that Luol Deng and Ben Gordon didn't sign extensions this offseason, and that they've been distracted by it.

It's not Scott's fault that John Paxson has made a few bad moves in recent years. I'm sure Scott would have loved to have LaMarcus Aldridge on his team right now rather than Tyrus Thomas.

It isn't Skiles' fault that Ben Wallace is playing like a 65-year old man out there.

A lot of the Bulls problems aren't Skiles fault, so why fire him?

Well, because you can't fire the team.

And maybe, just maybe, a coaching change right now will provide the spark this team needs to wake up and get going. All the talent that was prevalent on this team the last few seasons is still there, maybe now with the Skiles Shackles off, it will finally show itself again.

As far as who the next coach of the Bulls will be, your guess is just as good as mine. There are some big names being floated around right now like Larry Brown (not this Larry Brown), Rick Carlisle, and Jeff Van Gundy as possible replacements. I doubt the Bulls will get any of the three.

The fact is that Jerry Reinsdorf and the Bulls owe Skiles around $7 million over the next two years, and Jerry isn't that fond of spending big bucks on new coaches while he's still paying an old one.

Foul Balls

Jay Mariotti Still Says Stupid Things - While were on the subject of Skiles, when I first heard the news I already knew what Mariotti's column on it would be. The Bulls and Jerry Reinsdorf are big scrooges for firing Skiles at Christmas!

Of course, Jay says a lot of dumb things I disagree with (and to be fair, a lot of dumb things I do agree with) but sometimes I can tell he's just reaching to fill space. This was one of those moments.

Sure, it matters. It matters when Skiles has a wife and children, all of whom had to awaken Christmas morning and open presents with the sting of Dad having been fired.

Yes, Scott's poor family. Those kids must have been devastated to learn that they'd actually have time to spend with their father now. And his wife!? Dear Lord how is she going to provide for the family now that Scott's out of a job, and he's only going to get paid $7 million over the next two years!?

It's the worst Christmas ever!

Blackhawks Win Again - Bill Wirtz is rolling over in his grave! Imagine, a Blackhawks home game being shown on television in Chicago. Now it's not the first time it's happened this season or since Bill's death, but there was something different going on on Wednesday night.

I've watched the Hawks at home when they're on TV, and I've noticed a trend. The first game? A sparse crowd surrounded the rink as the Hawks played. In every game since then, those empty seats started to fill up. Wednesday night? Well that was the first Hawks home sellout of the season.

That's right, the game was on TV, and every ticket in the house had been sold. It's a Christmas miracle.

The Hawks beat Nashville 3-1 for their fourth straight victory, and frankly, it's about time I start covering them more here.

The NFL Gives In - Apparently the NFL and the NFL Network aren't as untouchable as they seem to think they are. All season the league has had to deal with complaints about the fact that the NFL Network isn't available in a lot of homes around the country, and as a result, a lot of fans haven't been able to watch their teams play some weeks.

Well, with this Saturday night's game featuring the Giants and some team from the Boston area that hasn't lost yet, there's some demand to see the game. In fact, there's so much demand to see the game that the NFL finally caved.

They're going to be simulcasting the game on CBS and NBC, so everybody can watch it.

The NFL avoided a potential backlash by fans unable to watch the New England Patriots' attempt to complete a perfect regular season, announcing yesterday that the NFL Network's telecast of Saturday night's game between the Patriots and New York Giants also will be carried by NBC and CBS.

The nationwide simulcast will be the first of an NFL game since Super Bowl I, and it dissipates a controversy that had been building in recent weeks because the league-owned NFL Network had been scheduled to carry the game alone. It reaches only about 35 million U.S. households.

"We have taken this extraordinary step because it is in the best interest of our fans," NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said in a written statement released by the league. "What we have seen for the past year is a very strong consumer demand for NFL Network. We appreciate CBS and NBC delivering the NFL Network telecast on Saturday night to the broad audience that deserves to see this potentially historic game. Our commitment to the NFL Network is stronger than ever."

Actually, Rog. It's not consumer demand for the NFL Network as much as it's NFL consumer demand to let them watch the NFL. Not that I really care, mind you, I have the channel.

Now if congress would please start pressuring the folks over at the Big Ten Network......

Jay Mariotti Is Tired Of Rick Morrissey

So I sat down at the computer this morning set to write about one of two things. I was either going to write about the Donovan McNabb situation in Philly, and whether or not I thought it was a realistic possibility the Bears would get him in the offseason and whether or not it would mean anything. Or I was going to do something different and write about hockey. More specifically, Chris Simon's latest suspension from the NHL, and why in the hell the league just doesn't kick him out.

Then I was doing my morning reading and I saw the title of one of Mariotti's online blogs....um..I mean online columns. Jay wouldn't stoop to blogging!

Anyway, the title of this column was "Tribune Is Stalking Me!" and it immediately grabbed my attention. Remember a few months ago when I accused Jay of stealing a joke from me? Well now it seems that Jay is dealing with his own column poacher, the Chicago Tribune's Rick Morrissey.

The Bears wear navy blue, orange and white, right? Now that I've written it, a Tribune columnist is sure to claim different team colors -- say, aqua and mauve. I've seen some peculiar things in the media business, but nothing quite like the work in recent weeks of Rick Morrissey.

Realize that I've been stalked by serial e-mailers. And Ditkaphiles. And Hawk Harrelson. Now, I'm being stalked by a Tribster.

It started in late October, when I wrote that the Bulls should aggressively seek Kobe Bryant in a trade. Days later, Morrissey came back with the contrarian view: ``Bulls don't need Kobe Bryant.'' I thought little of it, just as I thought little of it when the same guy -- after my repeated midseason opinions that Cedric Benson is a bust and the Bears miss Thomas Jones -- wrote a piece headlined, ``Former Bear Jones a legend in other minds.''

Jay then goes on to point out at least four other times this month alone that Morrissey's column has seemed to be a retort to whatever Jay wrote the previous day.

Now this may come as a shock to you, but Jay is right. I've noticed it myself over the last few weeks. To make things even scarier, Mariotti said something else I completely agree with about Morrissey and the Tribune.

As I've said for years, the Trib should have hired Michael Wilbon when it had the chance -- or never should have let Lincicome, Verdi and Bayless go. Those gentlemen seemed to develop opinions without reading the Sun-Times first.

Okay, so I agree with the part about Wilbon anyway. I'm fine leading a Skip Bayless-less existence.

Though, unlike Mariotti, I'm a fan of what Morrissey is doing. I've never been a big fan of his column, but it's always nice to see other members of the Chicago media call Jay out for some of the things he says.

Sure, there are plenty of bloggers and blogs dedicated to doing the same thing, but they don't get nearly as much exposure as fellow newspaper columnists do.

That and a bitch fight between two columnists is always fun to follow. I wonder if Morrissey will respond. I hope he does.

Foul Balls

This Whole Chris Simon Thing - Okay, so the NHL has suspended Chris Simon for his latest incident, deliberately stepping on the foot of Pittsburgh's Jarrko Ruutu with his skate. As though he was trying to cut it off.



Now at first glance this doesn't seem like something worthy of an NHL record 30-game suspension. Of course, this suspension breaks the previous record of 25 games. Set by Chris Simon for this incident.



That's New York's Ryan Hollweg who felt the wrath of Simon. So, as you can see, this isn't Simon's first foray into the world of criminal action during a hockey game. I've never been one of those people who think that they need to remove all fighting elements from the game of hockey, because I've always felt it was an important part of the game, but how the NHL can let a guy like Simon continue to lace up and skate for anybody baffles me.

Maybe after he finally kills somebody, Gary Bettman will decide to take a stand.

Listening To The White Sox Lose Just Got A Lot Easier - Finally, the White Sox have done something this offseason that I approve of. Of course, even though I approve of it, doesn't mean I'm completely happy with it.

Still, I'll take as much Steve Stone as I can get.

Steve Stone will be calling baseball games in Chicago next year, though that news comes with a few buts …

But it won't be full time. But it won't be on television. But he won't be doing it for the Cubs.

Stone has agreed to join Ed Farmer and Chris Singleton on WSCR-AM 670 on the call for White Sox home games on Fridays in 2008. There will be 13 in all, including the June 27 game against the Cubs.

It's only for 13 games, and it will only be on the radio, but I'll take it. After Stone filled in for Darrin Jackson on Sox television broadcasts last season, I wrote that I wished Stone could come to the Sox on a full-time basis. I mean, he actually made Hawk's homerism tolerable, which is something that only a select few can do.

If it's only meant to be on radio though, I can live with it. If nothing else this may be the next step into getting him into a White Sox booth full time, which will make every 9-7 loss a lot easier to listen to.

On the Marathon, Mariotti, and the Olympics

One of the bigger stories in the city of Chicago the last few days is the recently completed Chicago marathon.

In short, it was a disaster.

Thanks to the heat and what seems like a general lack of preparation, there were a ton of people that needed to be hospitalized, and even one fatality. 35-year old Chad Schieber, a police officer from Michigan, died as a result of running in the race.

The doctors say Schieber's death was related to a heart condition, not the heat. While I'm sure they're right, I highly doubt that the heat didn't have just a little something to do with it.

Anyway, I'm not here to add to the pile of people in this town writing about what morons the marathon organizers are. I've never been in charge of planning a marathon, and I have absolutely no idea what goes into it (where do you place the cones!?), so I'm not going to pretend I do and tell everyone what they did wrong. It's already been done to death.

But what annoys me about the coverage of this story is that people are acting like those who chose to run had absolutely no say in it. As if once they signed up for the race, they were contractually obliged to complete it.

Anybody who decides to run in one of these things is aware of what's going to come with it. Running 26.2 miles isn't exactly good for the body. All you have do is see somebody who ran a marathon the day after.

It's not pretty.

My point here is that the guy who died could have thought to himself at some point, "Damn. It's hot out here today. Maybe it's not the best idea in the world for me to run 26.2 miles today. I do have that heart condition and all."

Now I'm not placing all the blame on the runners. The marathon organizers have to share the blame. I'm just annoyed we seem to be putting all the responsibility on the organizers.

So moving on, there was only one thing I read yesterday about the marathon that truly made me shake my head, and I'll be you never guess who wrote it.

That's right, Mariotti.

This isn't going to be one of those posts where I rip on Mariotti, though, because the opinion he shared is one that a lot of people in this city seem to have right now. They think Chicago actually has a chance to land the Olympics in 2016, and Mariotti's concerned the debacle that was the marathon could cost the city its chance.

I'm disgusted today. You should be, too. Here we are, a major metropolis in the American heartland that aches to host the 2016 Olympics, and our sport organizers can't even grasp when it's too oppressively hot to stage a 26.2-mile road race for 35,000 runners.

What went down at the Chicago Marathon was an ill-timed lapse in basic common sense that might cost this town its five-ringed dream.

Honestly, would you award a Summer Games to a city where one runner dies, several more end up in hospitals in serious to critical condition and hundreds of others have to be helped through heat-related ailments and exhaustion by a large fleet of ambulances? As it is, U.S. Olympic Committee chief Peter Ueberroth thinks Chicago ranks as low as fourth on his perceived pecking order of 2016 candidates, urging a groundswell of politicking before savvier groups in Madrid, Rio de Janeiro and Tokyo gain insurmountable leads.

Listen, folks. The marathon did not cost this city a chance at the Olympics.

Now this may come as a shock to some of you, but the truth is, this city never had a chance at the Olympics.

Now I know what you're thinking, "Chicago doesn't have a chance?! We're the greatest city on earth! Of course we have a chance!"

I don't disagree that Chicago is, in fact, the greatest city on this planet. At least, of all the cities I've been to, Chicago blows them away. (That's right, Milwaukee, I said it.)

But that has nothing to do with why Chicago won't get the Olympics.

Do you know the biggest advantage Madrid, Rio and Tokyo have over Chicago ?

They aren't in the United States.

Guess what? The rest of the world isn't too high on this country at the moment. Be it the situation in Iraq, or just the way our President acts without seeking any input from places like the UN or anybody else not named God.

The world doesn't like that.

I'm not going to get into politics, because if you think I don't know what I'm talking about when it comes to sports, you should hear me talk politics. You can talk to Panger if you want to get political.

All I know is that when the world is mad at you, the last thing they're going to do is reward you.

So get this through your heads now: Chicago is not going to get the 2016 Olympics.

Hear it, accept it, move on.

Admittedly, I don't want the Olympics here, anyway. You think traffic in and around this city is bad now, just wait until the whole world shows up at the same time.

Don't get me wrong, I know that hosting the Olympics would bring in a ton of money for the city, but a bunch of that would go towards recouping all the money the city would have to spend to prepare the city for the games.

Sure, there will be money left after that, but this is Chicago. It's not going to go to the right places. Yeah, the city could use all that money to help finance it's public school system, but why do that when they could build a new skyscraper!? One even taller than the Sears Tower!

No, they'll just have to build that skyscraper the old fashioned way. By making us pay for it.

The Chicago Sun-Times Wants Cubs Fans To Cry

Okay, I'm not going to pile on the Cubs and piss off all of you Cubs fans out there. I mean, I'm sure you all feel pretty crappy enough this morning after staying up late to watch your team lose, and then having to go to work this morning.

But I want you to know something. Things could be a lot worse right now.

Jay Mariotti could be calling you.

Can't stay awake for the night owl games? Let Jay Mariotti and the Sun-Times help. Sign up for our Cubs recap wakeup service below and get the first word from Jay first thing in the morning - right to your phone! It's the best way in town to find out how your late-night heroes finished in the wee hours.

Yes, that's right, Jay Mariotti could call you, Chicago, and tell you how the Cubs and Lou Piniella fucked up the night before. Isn't that awesome?

I mean, the Chicago Sun-Times just keeps rewarding us with more Mariotti, and I have no idea what we have done to deserve such an honor. Are his four columns a week not enough for you? Well, don't worry, the paper has already started publishing about five Mariotti columns online every day! (Just don't call it a blog!)

Now we get to hear his sexy voice first thing in the morning!? This is the greatest birthday EVER!!!

Maybe next week, the Sun-Times can start running a promotion to have Britney Spears babysit your kids.

Ozzie Guillen Accepts A "Last Longer" Bet from Matt Groening

In a statement that sent Jay Mariotti stumbling to his medicine chest for a fistful of Nexium, White Sox manager Ozzie Guillen made a bold prediction to the media yesterday.

"I expect to be the manager of the White Sox for the next 20 years. Sorry for the people of Chicago that don't want to hear that."

Well, that's music to my ears, Ozzie, cuz I love yo -

What???

Oh my God, Mariotti, those aren't Nexium, they're Percocet! Wait!

Ozzie was kidding, dude. It was a joke.

Well, kinda.

Truth is, in a statement this week White Sox chairman Jerry Reinsdorf was emphatic that, despite two seasons in a row out of the playoffs, "Ozzie is my manager."

Now Ozzie can look to the future not over his shoulder.

"As long as I'm here, I'm thinking of getting better. I've talked to Kenny about the situation we are [in], what we are going to look for, what we want, what we need. We're not going backward. We're not going with kids. [General Manager Kenny Willams] Kenny said we will have a team to compete."

So how long can we expect to be sipping Guillen-tinis?

"As for [my] contract, I'm going through how many years it's going to be or not. If the players are playing well, obviously I will have more opportunity... I don't want a free pass because of what the players did in 2005. I want to do my job."

All of which is to say, I've got my money on seeing Ozzie's face in Chicago for a whole lot more years than Mariotti's.

On second thought, Mariotti, go ahead, take the whole bottle.

More On Mariotti

When I first told you about Jay Mariotti stealing my joke over the weekend I was angry and promised you all war. I was going to write a long, vitriolic diatribe directed at Chicago's most hated columnist.

Now, here I sit here before you a few days later, and guess what? I'm not really that mad about it anymore.

Don't get me wrong, I still hate Mariotti. I mean, I fucking really really hate Jay Mariotti. I hate him so much that even Hawk Harrelson has sent me emails telling me to tone it down a bit. And when Hawk talks, DADGUMMIT, I listen.

Anyway, the point I'm trying to make here is that I no longer care that Mariotti stole my joke. But for those of you who think that this incident was just a crazy coincidence, I can assure you, it wasn't. I've long noticed Jay's words often sounding quite similiar to things written here and what others have written elsewhere. There's also a source from inside the Chicago Sun-Times (who I shall not name, but they're very awesome for contacting me) who has assured me that Mariotti does, in fact, read this site occasionally along with FanHouse. This source says they all do so, in a way, actual columnists are no different than bloggers such as myself.

Well, except for the fact they make more money and bloggers actually aren't afraid of giving credit where credit is due.

Another thing that calmed me down about this whole incident was the realization of just how much reach my words have over at FanHouse. It's one thing to hear the monthly numbers from Fanhouse bosses Jamie or John. It's another thing entirely when your jokes are being stolen from well-known columnists. It actually feels good.

It also felt good to see all the other bloggers out there who picked up on this story and wrote about it. Thank you.

So, I'm going to let this new grudge with Mariotti go. As for now I'll just go back to writing the same stupid crap as always and wait for Mariotti to steal another zinger from me. When he does, I'll be there to call him out on it. And I'll be around to let him know when he writes or says something even dumber than usual.

Like I said, I still hate the guy.

To be honest, what bothers me most about all of this now is that Mariotti actually removed the reference to this incident from his Wikipedia page.

But all in all, I should thank Jay. Since this whole thing happened, sales of Muck Fariotti t-shirts have picked up again. I think I'm going to have to come out with a new t-shirt in Cubs colors soon.

Don't Think I Didn't Notice, Mariotti

I don't have much time right now because I'm leaving shortly, but I definitely wanted to address this today.

A FanHouse reader was kind enough to share a little information with me today.

It seems he was reading Jay Mariotti's column at the Sun-Times website today about Barry Bonds. In it he noticed something that sounded strangely familiar.

Here's the paragraph in question, the emphasis is mine.

Ever wonder what happened to all the hippies and flower children of the '60? Seems they grew up and became Barryphiles, flashing bulbs and standing in a delirious daze. His first-inning blast came off Florida rookie Rick Vanden Hurk, which is Dutch for batting-practice pitcher. After that, the Marlins pitched around him, drawing loud boos.

Big deal, right? Well, keep in mind that Mariotti's column was posted to the Chicago Sun-Times website this morning.

Now let's go back and read an excerpt from my On Deck at FanHouse posted yesterday.

Are you afraid that once you break the record nobody will care about you anymore? What is it, man!? You're going to be facing some guy named Rick Vanden Hurk today, and I think Vanden Hurk is Dutch for "batting practice fastball." If you can't hit at least two home runs off of this guy tonight, you should probably just retire now and forget the record.

Is that what we've been reduced to, Jay? Stealing jokes from one of those lowly bloggers?

Tsk, tsk. This won't be the last you hear on this subject from me. We're officially at war now, Mariotti.

Chicago Columnists Are Annoying

I tend not to read Mariotti anymore because he generally does nothing but make me angry, but once in a while I'll see a headline of his and I have to read it. Yesterday was one of those days.

Mariotti wrote an entire column on the rap song that Bears first-round pick Greg Olson recorded as an 18-year old freshman at the University of Miami.

We all did stupid things in college. You did, I did, Jerry Angelo did. But most of us never were stupid enough to record a gangsta-rap ode to dormitory sex that was so relentlessly raunchy, repulsive and denigrating to women -- ''hos'' are mentioned 15 times, ''bitches'' 18 times, the F-word 29 times -- that Snoop Dogg might even blush. Simply consider the chorus from a little ditty titled, ''7th Floor Crew,'' from a group by the same name.

And let's face it, there is no greater authority on all things Snoop Dogg than Jay Mariotti. Jay then blathers on about how this is the next step in the downfall that is the Chicago Bears. I'm pretty sure he also works in how it's all Rex Grossman's fault at somepoint.

Jay is right about one thing though. We all do stupid things at 18. Where he's wrong is in stating that what Olson did was such a horrible offense. No Jay, it's just as stupid and harmless as anything you did when you were 18, it's just you're an out of touch moron so you just don't see the difference.

I hate to break it to you, but this is nothing more than a kid being a kid and I really wonder about the motive here. If Greg Olson was a black 18-year old college freshman recording the same song, would anyone give a shit?

No. This is nothing more than middle-aged white America having trouble dealing with the fact that white people can be influenced by hip-hop culture. The horror. Oh the horror.

The thing is, the stupidity didn't stop with Mariotti's column. In an online column, Carol Slezak expressed the same kind of shock that Mariotti did and even titled it "Olsen's Rap Makes Imus Look Like Feminist."

After listening to all 8 minutes and 56 seconds of this unbelievably disgusting rap, I was shaking in anger and shock. How is it possible for these young men to have such little respect -- or is it hatred? -- for women? If Don Imus got fired for the comments he made about the Rutgers women's basketball team, these guys deserve jail time by comparison.

Jesus Christ. Did she really just say that Greg Olsen should go to prison for this?

How in the hell is what Olsen did anything like Don Imus?! Imus is a grown ass man on a nationally syndicated radio show making blatantly racist comments. Olsen was an 18-year old kid singing along to a song that you can hear just about any god damned time you turn on your radio.

This shouldn't even be a story, let alone an issue. Just another reason why the common sports fan is turning more and more to the internet for their sports news.

New Shirt Alert

In Chicago we've finally reached that point of the year when the sun actually comes out and warms us all. So it's time to shed all those sweaters and sweatshirts from the winter, and bust out the summer wear.

But you don't want to walk around the streets of Chicago wearing the same old t-shirts. You need something new, that lets everybody know how you feel.

With that in mind I introduce you to the newest entry to our Foul Balls shop.

The Muck Fariotti tee.


The shirt is $14.40 (plus S+H) and is perfect for any Chicago sports fan. Wear it to a White Sox game and I guarantee somebody will buy you a beer. So really, if you go to enough games this shirt will pay for itself.

We've also got a design in black with white print, and then there's the white ringer tee with black trim. The ringer is more expensive at $21.40, but it's oh so fashionable.

Let's Get Off The Ledge Here, Folks

It's two games into a 162 game season, and already some morons are howling that the season is over.

While I'm not exactly overjoyed with the performance of the Chicago White Sox after two games this season, I'm not worried, either.

The starting pitching has been pretty bad so far, but it was bad in spring training. You can't just flip a switch once the season starts and have things go your way.

Besides that, it's not like the Sox are playing a horrible offensive team. Last I checked, the Indians scored 870 runs last season, second only to the New York Yankees.

The good news is that the Sox are scoring runs and are generally playing pretty well, apart from their starters. Darin Erstad looks healthy and like the player Ken Williams was hoping he'd get, and not the Erstad that missed most of last season to an ankle injury.

Aside from Andrew Sisco yesterday, the bullpen has looked a lot better than they did last season. David Aardsma was fantastic. He came in with the bases loaded and nobody out and struck out three straight hitters to get out of the jam. That's some El Duque stuff right there. Who'd we give up for him? Neal Cotts? Thank you, Jim Hendry.

Let's not forget that we're a terrific catch by Jason Michaels away from being 1-1 here, people. I know that things are magnified when it's the first two games of the season, but that's all they are. Two games. There are still 160 more of these things to go.

Of course, if we lose the next four, I'll be right there on the ledge with you.

Now Jay Has More Time to Read Those Evil Blogs and Edit His Wikipedia Page

Oh what a glorious day!!

I won't have to open my Chicago Sun-Times everyday and be smacked in the face with a column telling me how the White Sox suck, the Cubs suck, the Bulls suck, or how Rex Grossman sucks. At least until May.

Why is that?

Because Jay Mariotti is lazy.

Jay Mariotti, who pops up in the paper almost as often as those naked kids in the "Love Is ..." comics, counted up his columns the other day and realized he's already written more pieces than his contract requires him to deliver for the 12-month period ending April 30.

So rather than pound out another explanation for why things aren't the way they ought to be, he intends to take a vacation--until May. So much for the Masters, the NCAA Final Four, baseball's opening day and the first blown save of the season.

"Certainly the paper misses him," Editor Michael Cooke said, "but we have a lot of bench strength."

Mariotti will continue to appear at the paper even if he's not in it, coming into the newsroom to tape his regular "Around the Horn" appearances for ESPN. But his regular targets can rest easy knowing hunting season doesn't resume for a couple months.

That's right, no more Mariotti until May 1st. Thats 73 days of a Mariotti-free life.

I never really believed in God, until now. See you in church this Sunday.

What Do I Have in Common with Rex Grossman?

Jay Mariotti hates me.

Well, not just me. All bloggers and blogs. We're all the spawn of Satan in Mariotti's eyes.

Hard to understand why Jay would hate blogs so much. I mean there are only 4 or 5 of them dedicated entirely to ripping on him, and the rest of us only do it occasionally.

Yesterday on ESPN's Around The Horn, Mariotti decided to get his feelings off of his chest. Having "won" the show, Mariotti was given face time at the end to talk about whatever he wanted to. He chose to spend his time talking about the Olympic Committee debating whether or not to allow athletes to blog during the Olympics.

Jay made sure to let them know just why blogging is the equivalent of letting your young daughter go on a roadtrip with Chris Henry and Fred Smoot.

The best part of the video is easily host Tony Reali's "Don't take my Deadspin away from me!" to close the show.

If Jay Mariotti Was a Doctor...

...he'd be found guilty of malpractice.

If Jay Mariotti was a lawyer, he'd be disbarred.

If Jay Mariotti was a Congressman, he'd be impeached.

Instead, Jay Mariotti is a third-rate writer working for a fourth-rate newspaper. So our only recourse is calling him out for his incompetence.

In a screed as malevolent as it was ignorant, Mariotti's pre-NFC Championship Sunday column took weak aim at everything from the Chicago Bears to the Chicago fans to the city itself.

He snuck his brilliant prediction deep into the column - New Orleans over Chicago, 38-31 - then looked into his crystal ball and received a vision:

All I see is Deuce McAllister carrying the city of New Orleans on his brawny back. All I see is Drew Brees, who played in the cold at Purdue, having his way in the air. All I see is Reggie Bush dancing.

That's funny. All I see is a middle-aged misanthrope who probably got dumped into trash cans in high school falling for a team simply cuz it's not the one he covers.

(In his defense, he got the "Reggie Bush dancing" part right.)

At the conclusion of his column, he audaciously claims to speak for the very constituency he abhors:

The Bears are holding the hearts of the masses. Win or leave us alone.

Us? What "masses" does Mariotti purport to speak for? "Sulky" Cubs fans? "Stewing" Sox fans? The collective "City of Weak Shoulders"? Win or leave us alone? Is that what Mariotti's dad told him when he came in third place in the Greater Pittsburgh area spelling bee?

It's not that he picked the Saints to win. That's no big deal.

It doesn't matter if he hates the Bears.

What infuriates me about Mariotti is that he's a sportswriter who hates sports.

With all the talented men and women out there who write rings around Mariotti and display genuine passion for the topics they cover, why the hell does this dyspeptic duffer continue to get a paycheck?

Here's a news flash, Mr. Mariotti:

We don't want the Bears to leave us alone.

Just you.

(I feel guilty for even giving you a link to this stooge. Here's a better place to go to find the story. )

Mariotti Will Live

We were wondering what was wrong yesterday while reading the Chicago Sun-Times and not finding a column by Jay Mariotti ripping Notre Dame apart after their Sugar Bowl loss. Something had to be wrong for Jay to miss a chance to alienate a large part of his readership by telling them how bad their favorite teams suck.

Turns out, it was because he was busy undergoing an angioplasty.

Sun-Times sports columnist Jay Mariotti was in good condition and resting comfortably Thursday after undergoing an angioplasty Wednesday night.

Mariotti, who marked his 15th anniversary at the Sun-Times last summer, fell ill on a flight to New Orleans to cover the Sugar Bowl. When his condition failed to improve after he arrived at his hotel, he went to an area hospital, where the heart procedure was performed to clear a clogged artery.

We're just as shocked by this news as you are. We didn't know Mariotti had a heart, either.

Jay Mariotti is Still a Jackass

It's been awhile since we ripped on Jay Mariotti here. Not because we stopped hating him (though he is our MySpace friend) but because we were just doing a real good job of avoiding his column.

But there it was on Christmas morning staring us in the face. Before we get into what he wrote yesterday, let's do a little background check on this. Just in the last month here are a few things he wrote concerning Rex Grossman and the Bears QB situation.

On November 27th after the Bears loss to the Patriots.

I have no interest in developing a young quarterback, or nursing his wounded inner child, over the larger priority of winning a championship. The question now becomes whether the Bears can kee