The Red Sox Bullpen Enjoys Naked Women

I go to a lot of baseball games, and one of my favorite places to sit is out by the visitor's bullpen because it gives me direct access to opposing team's players. Since I'm so close, the guys in the bullpen generally have no choice but to listen to me. You can generally hear me saying things like "Hey Todd Jones! I would tell you how bad you suck right now, but you've been watching yourself pitch for 30 years now. You already know you suck. You big bag of suck. God, you suck. Oh, and your column sucks too!"

As you can see, I'm a bit of a human thesaurus...

Continue reading at FanHouse

And Now For The Hot Chick

I gotta take off for a little bit, but I didn't want to leave all of you loyal readers without something to ogle while I was gone. So here are some pictures of Marissa Miller while she was at Wrigley over the weekend throwing out the first pitch.

And yes, I'd still hit it even though she's wearing a Cubs jersey. My penis knows no allegiance.

Silly Knee! You're Supposed To Bend The Other Way!

Jesus fucking Christ, that is one of the most horrific looking things I've ever seen. I found this yesterday over at Wizard of Odds, and being the bastard that I am, there's just no way I could possibly let you all escape without seeing it for yourselves.

The proud owner of what was once his left leg is Tennessee fullback David Holbert who missed all of last season after tearing his ACL. I'm going to go ahead and guess he'll be missing this season as well, and frankly, if he's ever able to walk again he should consider that a victory.

Oh, and just to make it up to you for the gruesome photo, here are some more pics from Wizard of Odds of USC Song Girls frolicking in bathing suits!

Cubs Fans Are Classy

I really need to spend more time in the bleachers at Wrigley. This much is obvious to me now.

(Via With Leather)

Belated Happy Birthday, Title IX!!!

It's hard to believe that only 35 years ago, American women sports barely existed in high schools and colleges.

Back then, there were virtually no educational institutions providing athletic opportunities for girls and women.

Which meant, if you were a chick and wanted to be an athlete, your choices were basically cheerleader or twirler.

But with these few words, all that changed:

No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any education program or activity receiving Federal financial assistance.

There's still lingering controversy over how men's athletic programs have been cut to conform with Title IX requirements but I won't debate that here. I only know that I got a chance to play competitive tennis in college because of Title IX.

Of course, that's still not good enough for some of you. (I can hear the grousing through the ether.)

So, look at it this way, guys: thanks to Title IX, you get a chance to see women athletes doing what they apparently believe they do best.

What follows below are just a few examples of NCAA scholarship money well spent.

And ladies? Thanks for doing all you could to guarantee female athletes are taken seriously by the sports world and men in general.

A TITLE IX TRIBUTE IN PICTURES

Amy Acuff. UCLA. High jump.

Jackie Frank. Stanford. Water Polo.

Amanda Beard. Swimming. University of Arizona.

Heather Olson. Synchronized Swimming. Stanford.

Marion Jones. Track and field. University of North Carolina.

Stacy Dragila. Pole Vault. Idaho State.

Linsday Benko. Swimming. USC.

Somewhere in the ether, you gotta know Betty Friedan is pulling out what little was left of her hair.

The Newest Hot Female Tennis Player Is...

It all started with Anna Kournikova, but soon the masses realized that while they appreciate hot chicks, they like hot chicks who are successful more. So eventually Kournikova gave way to Maria Sharapova.

She was attractive, and actually won tennis tournaments. A crazy concept to follow.

Well, now Sharapova has lost in the French Open semifinals, and she may have lost more than just the match. Like her title of It Girl in the tennis world.

Meet Ana Ivanovic.

FRENCH OPEN FINALIST TOUTED AS THE NEXT KOURNIKOVA: As we get ready to the watch the Spurs take a steaming dump on the soon-to-be-short-lived Lebron James craze, we've so far spent today inspecting the demolition of Maria Sharapova by a 19-year-old cutie named Ana Ivanovic.

CNBC's Darren Rovell is already calling the exotic beauty the "new 'Ana" of tennis": "The corporate world is a little bit down on tennis right now, but if I were a sports marketer, I’d take the jump on the Ivanovic bandwagon right now."

Her early photos are gorgeous, and it appears she's transitioning nicely into womanhood, as Mary Carillo pointed out today on ESPN2: "She's burned off a lot of the baby fat that she was carrying years ago."

Don't know about you, but we're on her baby fat bandwagon too.

Yes, I'll have to keep an eye on her career. Not because I want to, but because I'm just that dedicated to the job.

Breaking News: 18-Year-Old Women Are Hot

We're huge fans of track and field* here at Foul Balls, so with that in mind I'd like to introduce you to Miss Allison Stokke.

Allison is one of the best female pole vaulters in the country, and set the United States record for a freshman girl with a 12'8" jump. That's very impressive.

What's more impressive about the senior from Newport Harbor High School?

Well, look at her. You may consider me to be a dirty old man for posting pictures of this lovely young lady, but I remind you that she is 18 and that's totally legal.

Also if you're complaining about it, it's obvious that you are in fact a woman. I can tell because that's what women do. They complain. All the time. About everything. Seriously, just shut the hell up and bring me my sandwich.

You can find more pictures of the extremely talented Allison Stokke over at With Leather, whom I'd like to thank for informing us all about her pole vaulting skills.

Also, I think I deserve credit for not making the obvious pole vaulting jokes here. That just shows you how mature I am. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go punch that girl I have a crush on and then run away.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

*As long as it features really hot chicks

Can't We All Just Get Along? Okay Then, Can't We All Just Mock Each Other Mercilessly?

Honestly, I've just never gotten the Montague/Capulet, Hatfield/McCoy, Paris Hilton/Lindsday Lohan hatred between White Sox and Cubs fans.

But man, my family and friends get it. They've all picked sides and, for most, it's serious business.

Every year, my dad, an erudite even-tempered kinda guy, morphs into a bug-up-his-ass, cow-bell-ringing Cubs fanatic.

Meanwhile, his very best friend, a well-respected judge, goes from thoughtful to hateful the moment his White Sox jog onto the field Opening Day.

The best part are their "take me out to your ballpark" trips. Every season, each must make the pilgrimmage to the other's home field for one game. I swear to God, the way these two act, you'd think Benjamin Netanyahu was being invited to visit Mecca during the Hajj.

Maybe I've just been away from home too long but if I see "Chicago" in front of a team name, that's good enough for me. (Besides, Joe Crede plays for the White Sox. C'mon, look at him. Who could possibly work up any meaningful hatred for that hunk of goodness?)

Look, Chicago, if Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley can share an olive branch and a stale dinner roll, I say, Cubs and White Sox fans can put aside their differences too.

But how to break through the deeply entrenched prejudices?

The first rule is to learn to laugh at ourselves.

With that in mind, White Sox fans, you first. Watch and remember: we're not laughing with you, we're laughing at you.



As for you Cubs fans, all I can say is, thank God the woman are cute, cuz.... yeesh.



I don't know about you, but I can just feel the love right now.

with thanks to MLB Fanhouse

Hockey Players Are Stupid, Ugly, and Hate Women

I've generally lived my entire life by a code. Hot chicks get to do whatever they want, wherever they want. It's a time-tested tactic to use when trying to get them to sleep with me.

And when that doesn't work, I just show them how super sexy I can be.*

The New York Rangers though, live life by a different, stupider code.

During commercial breaks, teams of three Ice Girls clean loose ice known as "snow" in the goal and the blue-painted goaltender's crease in front of the goal line. But Rangers goaltender Henrik Lundqvist declined to move and used his stick to whack the squeegee Kelli Higgins, 23, was using to push the snow into a pile during the first TV timeout, knocking the butt end of the squeegee stick into her stomach.

"I said 'Excuse me' maybe two or three times," Higgins said Wednesday. "He didn't move and didn't say anything, so I gave up and went around him. "The tip of my squeegee kind of hit the tip of his stick. I don't know if he thought I did that on purpose or whatever, but he took a big windup and slashed the squeegee pretty good. It startled me a little bit. It didn't feel great, but I wouldn't say I was injured or in a ton of pain. I was shocked."

It didn't end there, either. Another Ice Girl, Chanel Benson, claims one of the Rangers spat on her as she left the ice.

I didn't even know Pacman Jones played hockey!

Rangers beat writer Steve Zipay questioned whether or not the Ice Girls should be on the rink in the first place.

[I]t raises the question of why trios of bare-midriffed young ladies are swirling around to perform a job efficiently handled without fanfare by rink personnel in many arenas. Yes, at some arenas and at the Coliseum, male fans ogle the girls in what passes for "entertainment" during TV timeouts. Confession: I'm usually typing during timeouts so I don't even notice. So I'll ask: Should the "Ice girls" even be dressed up and shoved out for display in the lion's den?

That's the dumbest God damned question I've ever heard. Regular readers here at The Balls know how I feel on this situation, but in case you're new here I'll answer again. Hell yes, they belong on the ice! As I already said, hot chicks should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want, when they want! What don't you understand here, Steve?

I also took the time to ask all hockey fans if they thought the girls should be on the ice.

Both said yes.

*I get them reeeeeeeally drunk

(via the new NHL Fanhouse )

A Sneak Peek at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, U.S. Library Edition

Sports Illustrated made the surprising admission this week that it censored itself by not shipping its annual swimsuit issue to libraries or schools. A spokesman for the magazine said it was done to appease critics who felt the issue had become too risque.

But until Thursday, SI had lied about the reason for not sending out the issue.

Librarians calling the magazine to ask why they hadn't received the issue heard many explanations, including that someone from their institution had specifically requested not to receive it or that the magazine had run out of copies, said Deborah Caldwell-Stone, deputy director of the American Library Assn.'s Office for Intellectual Freedom.

Caldwell-Stone said that denying the issue to all public libraries set a dangerous precedent."It doesn't take much to complain that something else is inappropriate for another reason, whether it be politics, morality or another viewpoint," she said. "This is an intellectual freedom issue when we have a corporation deciding what people can read."

Please, Mizzzz Caldwell-Stone, get a grip. Sports Illustrated is just trying to protect our values and our innocent children. It is critical that they never, ever have access to such smut.

No, Sports Illustrated is simply trying to right a wrong for the decent people of America.

And to make it clear just how sorry they are, they're publishing a tasteful and thoughtful new swimsuit spread. It displays women in a way that says, "Yes, we respect you, now make us some non-bacon products and eggs."

We at Foul Balls were lucky enough to get our hands on a few snaps of the new SI swimsuit layout and we're excited to bring it to you today. Get out your Kleenex and hand cream, boys, but don't forget to apologize to God afterwards!

• Model: Veronique
• Location: Yemen
• Photographer: Sheik Yobootah
• Swimsuit: By the Grace of Allah

• Models: Bambi, Sookie and Jasmine
• Location: Virginia Beach
• Photographer: Jerry Falwell
• Swimsuits: True Religion

• Model: Christie Brinkley
• Location: East Hampton
• Photographer: Patrick Demarchelier
• Swimsuit: Burkini

Hooray for Scantily Clad Women

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is out today.

I'm not going to buy it, I mean, why would I when I can look at all the pictures in it right here for free? In fact, the only reason I mention it is so that I can post some gratuitous photos of half naked supermodels.

If you didn't already know, Beyonce is on the cover this year. If you don't believe us, look for yourself.

Here's a cool picture of Veronica Varekova. She's married to a hockey player, and hockey is half a sport, so it counts.

And of course, there's my favorite, Marisa Miller.

Of course, I'm going to have to do something about Marisa posing for pictures with Peyton Manning's guy, Kenny Chesney.

Peyton has been calling me all day in tears over this.

So, You Wanna Go to the Super Bowl

It was mentioned here in a Hang Ten last week, but in case you missed it, Sarah Spain is a 26-year-old in Brentwood, California. She's also a die-hard Chicago Bears fan. With the Bears going to the Super Bowl, Sarah just had to be there with them.

So, as anybody would do, she decided to sell herself on eBay.

People were allowed to bid on Sarah to take as their date to the Super Bowl. Word quickly got out, as is the norm amongst pale-skinned bloggers upon hearing news that a hot girl might talk to them, and the bidding for Sarah reached roughly $99 brazillian. eBay quickly took down the auction, but Sarah tried again anyway. eBay took her page down again.

Just as poor Sarah was about ready to give up, the folks who are behind Axe Body Spray came to her rescue. (The bastards got there right before I did. I didn't have Super Bowl tickets, but I do have shoulders which she can cry on, or do anything she damn well pleases, really.)

Axe gave Sarah four tickets to the Super Bowl to cheer on her beloved Bears, and she's taking two of her hot friends. Of course, that leaves one ticket unclaimed.

This, my friends, is where you come in. Sarah is holding a contest for guys to go to the Super Bowl with her and her friends.

You can find out more about it here, but here's the gist. You have to be 21, and you have to send an email saying why you deserve to go to the Super Bowl. You also must include a picture of yourself, and if selected you have to pay your own way to Miami and make your own accomodations.

You can email Sarah at hotsuperbowldate@hotmail.com.

Don't worry, I'm not applying, so you all still have a chance.

Of course, as you'd expect to hear after trying to sell herself on eBay, Sarah is taking a lot of crap from people about this.

She won't get it from me. I think what she's doing is brilliant.

Sarah is a member of a sketch comedy group in LA called Reverse Coma, and I'm guessing she has some aspirations to break into movies or television.

So not only has she been able to get herself tons of free press and exposure, but now she's scored free tickets to the Super Bowl.

I'd have done it if I could have too. Good-looking and smart, I suggest you fellas try hard, cuz this one could be a keeper.

Good luck and God speed, gentlemen.

New Years Means New Calendars

Calendars are really important. If we didn't have them, how in the hell would we know what day it was?

Chaos would reign, and the world as we know it would end.

Thankfully, Maria Sharapova is aware of this dangerous problem. She's come out with a new 2007 calendar which will help you remember what day it is and what month you're in.

She's a sweet kid. She's pretty good at tennis too!!

Okay, let's stop pretending to write an actual post now, and get to the gratuitous photos.

To Be Honest, All We Noticed Were the Words "Miss USA" and "Stripped"

Donald Trump believes in second chances. He's going to allow Miss USA Tara Conner to keep her crown after all.

There had been rumors of Conner's frequent bar hopping, despite being underage, that led to the possibility she would be stripped of her crown.

"I've always been a believer in second chances," Trump, who owns the Miss Universe Organization with NBC, said with Conner at his side.

Trump said he and Conner had met earlier Tuesday morning.

"She left a small town in Kentucky and she was telling me that she got caught up in the whirlwind of New York," Trump said at a news conference. "It's a story that has happened many times before to many women and many men who came to the Big Apple. They wanted their slice of the Big Apple and they found out it wasn't so easy."

What a forgiving guy. I'm sure that's the only reason Trump kept her around.

As for what exactly Conner was doing at the bars, there's all kinds of speculation. Sure we can't prove it, but this is the internet. We don't have to prove anything before we tell you it's all 100% true.

From one of our favorite non-sports site, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, we get this,

Tara Conner is on the verge of losing her crown after testing positive for cocaine, lustily kissing Miss Teen USA in public and sneaking men into their Trump Place apartment … "Tara was a party animal," said a source who knows Conner, 20, and Miss Teen USA Katie Blair, 18, from some of the city's top nightspots. "I've seen them kiss before. They always dance all sexy on the tables. ... They definitely get close" … One clubgoer described seeing Conner snort cocaine in one of the nightclubs where she drank regularly despite being underage, and she recently failed a drug test.

Wait a second. When did Lindsay Lohan become Miss USA?

So why the hell are we posting this? It's not a sport you say?

No, it's not, but it's a competition, and that's good enough for us. There are a couple of other reasons too, and they are...

This is for the Dante Wesley post.

Hey Look! A Blackhawks Post...Sorta

So we haven't talked about the Blackhawks at all. Can you blame us?

The season started out pretty promising with Martin Havlat tearing it up and the Hawks actually sitting in first place for a while.

Then Havlat got hurt.

Nikolai Khabibulin got hurt.

Hell, half the team got hurt. Then they started losing every game, and eventually fired coach Trent Yawney.

But ever since Denis Savard took over, things have turned around considerably. Of course, it should be mentioned that Martin Havlat returned at the same time. Either way, the Hawks are 5-1-3 in the nine games Savvy has been coaching. That's helped them move into third place in the Central Division, and within the playoff hunt.

Still, we don't really care. Hockey left for a year, and it turned out we didn't miss it anywhere near as much as we thought we would. We fell back in love with the NBA and moved on.

But we're still going to go to a couple of Hawks games this year, and not just cuz our friend Vic knows coach Savard and can get us in for free.

Nope, it's for the Ice Crew.

We'd like you to meet a few key members of the Blackhawks organization.

ADRIENNE

Adrienne is in her third year as a member of the Blackhawks Ice Crew. What's her favorite part of being on the Ice Crew?

All of the wonderful girls I've met and the fun opportunities I've had, not to mention the cute little outfits!

Those little outfits aren't the only things cute around here, Adrienne! What do you like to do Adrienne? What are your interests?

Fashion, traveling, dancing, working-out and spending time with my family and friends.

OHMYGAWD. We're totally into the same things!!!!!

Now lets meet...

COLLEEN

Hellooooooooo Colleen. Colleen is in her first year as a member of the Ice Crew, and aren't we all glad to have her? How would you describe yourself, dear?

Energetic, passionate, and scandalous. And party animal!

Really? Well let us get you a drink. There you go. Down the ole hatch. Lemme get you another. What makes you laugh?

My best girlfriends and sometimes myself.

You make us laugh too...in our pants.

Now what about....

JEN

Holy Kristy Yamaguchi, hey there Jen. Jen is also in her first year on the Ice Crew, and is a Pre-Kindergarten teacher. That's enough to make us wanna buy a box of Crayolas.

What don't most people know about you, Jen?

I have traveled to over 15 different countries

Really? We went to Canada once. Since you're Asian, you're probably really into the karaoke. What song do you like to sing?

"Like a Prayer" by Madonna.

It's not "Like a Virgin," but dammit, it's close enough.

Moving on, let's meet...

JENNIE

Where have you been all our life? I know where you have been the last four years. At the United Center with the Ice Crew. What's your favorite part of being a member?

I have made such good friends, and the fans in Chicago are awesome.

Yes, well rest assured, we're your biggest one. What's the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you?

I was at a pool checking out a balcony full of guys, and I leaned back on the lounge chair and it flipped over and I got trapped underneath it! Gimme a break, I was 14!

But you're at least 18 now, right?

RITSA

My, what an interesting name. Let's find out a little more about you. What are some of your hobbies?

Running, Brikam Yoga and Vacationing.

Yoga, eh? That could come in handy.

If you could have dinner with one person, who would it be?

Ben Affleck.

Next!!

YANINA

That's definitely a more interesting name than Ritsa. Where are you from?

Argentina.

Aaaah, a Latina. What's something the rest of the girls don't know about you?

I have a swimsuit collection online. I also have mutant toes.

Well, you'll have to model those for us sometime. With high heels on.

If you'd like to find out more about the Blackhawks Ice Crew, click here.

If you want to know more about the Blackhawks, re-evaluate your priorities.