It Appears As Though Nobody Will Miss Mariotti

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The White Sox Aren't Sad To See Mariotti Go

While most of the blogging world has been celebrating the resignation/firing of Jay Mariotti at the Chicago Sun-Times on Wednesday, it's not just those of us who read him that are happy to see him go. The Chicago White Sox have long been one of Jay's favorite targets. Whether he's ripping on team owner Jerry Reinsdorf, manager Ozzie Guillen, or even play-by-play announcer Hawk Harrelson, Jay never had anything nice to say about the organization...

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The Thing About Hawk Harrelson

The White Sox ended their nine-game losing streak on the road last night by beating the Dodgers 6-1 (oh and the Cubs ended their 14-game home win streak as well), but I don't really want to talk about anything that actually happened in the game.

No, I want to talk about Hawk Harrelson. More specifically, the one thing he does constantly that pisses me off like nothing else. Now, there are a lot of things that Hawk does or says during a broadcast t0 annoy the Sox fan, but to be completely honest about it, I don't not like Hawk.

Do I think he's a good play-by-play guy? No, not really, but I don't mind listening to him do a game that much. In my mind I tend to view him as a bad B-movie. Sure, the script includes more than it's share of horrible dialogue, at times the plot goes way off course, or just goes no where for a while, but in the end the thing is so awful that it's kind of charming. You'd actually watch it again just to laugh at it.

The truth is, when I'm watching a baseball game, there are so many thoughts running through my mind as I'm processing what I'm seeing, that I hardly hear Hawk, D.J, or anybody else who happens to be speaking within range of a microphone.

Now that doesn't mean I can completely tune it out. No, I hear all the dadgummits, the can of corns, and of course the he gones. Still, as lame as these things might be, they do not bother me.

The one thing Hawk does constantly, though, that I just can't take is his incessant complaining about balls and strikes. Shut up about it, already. Nary a game (hell, an inning) goes by without Hawk critiquing a call by the home-plate umpire. It's maddening as all hell.

Don't get me wrong, I don't mind when announcers second guess the umpire once in a while. Particularly when it's in a key situation of a game, but Hawk does it all the time, anytime.

First inning of a 0-0 game with nobody on and one out? That ball was low! What a horrible call! That could cost us the game, no, that could cost us our souls!

He does this ALL. THE. TIME. Which is weird considering that Hawk was only a .239 hitter in his career. Now, I know that the era Hawk played in was a lot different than the one we play in now, so I'm going to do the nice thing and add a full .050 points to that for him. I mean, it's not going to hurt where I'm going with this, so why the hell not?

So in his career, Hawk hit .289. Hey, that's a pretty respectable average right there. Still, this means that Hawk failed at his job 71.1% of the time he came to the plate. During his career Hawk averaged about 327 at bats per season, so that means he failed around 232 times every year.

Well, during a single baseball game, I'm guessing there's an average of five pitches that even an umpire would admit he called wrong if he reviewed them all on video afterwards. Even that number may be generous, but for argument's sake, we'll just go with it.

So the ump fails five times a game, but of course, he sees anywhere from 225-300 pitches per game. So that means he's successful around 97.7 to 98.3% of the time. Hawk was succesful 28.9% of the time.

You think the umpire was questioning why he swung at so many bad pitches?

So, Hawk, sit back, relax, strap it down, and shut it the hell up. Please. Next time instead of bitching about an umpire's call, how about you try telling the folks at home something about the White Sox. Or just tell them another story about that one time Ted Williams said that one thing to you.

Whatever you want to do, just leave the arguing of balls and strikes to the players and managers. Sure, the players today fail just as much, but at least the bad call actually affects them.

Great Moments In White Sox Television Broadcasting: Hawk's Erection

Okay, so I'm watching the White Sox and Rays game and during the 4th inning Hawk and D.J. got into a discussion about base stealing in the minors compared to the Majors. Well, D.J. explained that while he was a base stealing threat in the minors, by the time he got to the Majors he'd lost his knack for swiping a base.

Here's a transcript of part of their exchange.

D.J.: If you don't use it, you lose it.

Hawk: I wish you'd stop saying that.

D.J.: Well, I know that it affects you personally (snicker).

Yes, that's right, they made a reference to Hawk's (in)ability to get an erection. Apparently, he gone.

Now if you don't mind me, I'm going to go kill myself.

Jay Mariotti Is Transparent

So the general consensus in Chicago about the White Sox hiring Steve Stone to join their radio booth is that it's a good move. I've already made clear my approval and everybody I've talked to about it thinks it's similiarly great.

Sox fans would have been thrilled to hear the news they were finally free of Chris Singleton, and the fact that Stoney is replacing him is just icing on the cake.

Cubs fans have even told me that they're going to have to start listening to Sox games.

Everybody's happy! Even our old friend Jay Mariotti, though Mariotti is a fan of the move for completely different reasons.

In his column today, Jay writes about how he hopes Stoney will tear the entire White Sox franchise down.

So what happens when a fearless, incisive radio analyst is hired by a franchise with a crybaby owner, a volcanic manager, a brooding general manager, a long- winded radio partner, a hillbilly homer in the TV booth, a media-obsessed catcher and a hypersensitive fan base always searching for an enemy?

Seems all hell will break loose, as it often does in Steve Stone's world of truth, justice and calling out wretched baseball as wretched baseball.

Mariotti is right about one thing, Stone isn't afraid to speak his mind on what he thinks he's watching. After all, that is why he's no longer calling Cubs games after he ripped on the team a few years ago.

Unfortunately, Jay is off in his assumption that the team is going to revolt against Stone like the Cubs did.

Why would Ozzie Guillen care what Stone says? When the Sox suck, Ozzie is telling anybody who will listen about how bad the team is. Are we really supposed to believe he'll give a shit what anybody in the booth is saying?

Then there are those "hypersensitive fans always searching for an enemy." Um, Jay? While we'll ignore the "hypersensitive" comments, I feel the need to tell you we're not searching for an enemy. We have one, and we've had him for a while.

It's you, jackass.

Let's be honest here, Jay. The only reason you wrote about Steve Stone was as cover for what you really wanted the column to be about:

It will happen because Stone is unblushingly honest in his daily appraisals, contrary to Reinsdorf's other broadcasters, who are so fearful of the chairman's wrath -- or so far up his hind-end -- that they become pathetic weasels who somehow tip-toed over a 72-90 stinker last season. Harrelson, in particular, has become the biggest embarrassment in the industry, a shameless shill who keeps his job only because he gushes over Reinsdorf at every opportunity and does the chairman's dirty work by hurling pebbles at real and perceived enemies of Soxdom, which only paints the organization as amateurish and low-brow.

We get it. You don't like them.

Next time you're itching to use your column to take a few digs at Ozzie, Hawk Harrelson, and Jerry Reinsdorf, just write about how much you hate them. Forget the bullshit angles.

Steve Stone Is Back

Okay, so it's looking like March 4th is the best day of 2008 so far. At least it is for White Sox fans. Not only did Brett Favre announce his retirement this morning, but Chris Singleton has apparently left the White Sox radio booth to go do some Baseball Tonight work at ESPN. (Why am I not surprised that ESPN would hire Singleton? He's incredibly boring and has trouble completing sentences at time. It's basically a perfect fit.)

His replacement? Steve Stone.

This is amazing news because listening to Chris Singleton on the radio with Ed Farmer was intolerable. They were horrible together.

Stone was already slotted to be doing a few games in the radio booth with Farmer and Singleton this season, but it's now going to be a full time job, and I couldn't be happier about it. I've never made a secret of my fondness for Steve Stone, even though he called Cubs games. He was the main reason I even watched Cubs games growing up, well, besides the fact that I didn't have cable in my room as a kid, and there was also the possibility of seeing the Cubs lose.

Now if only we could convince ESPN to hire Darrin Jackson away, and we could move Stoney into the television booth with Hawk Harrelson.

Hawk Nearly Dies, White Sox Win

Yes, I know the video is horrible. The video isn't what's important here though, it's the call Hawk Harrelson makes.

I thought the man was dying.

I guess when a season is going so badly, you gotta take anything you can get. Lord knows this is probably bringing Tigers fans flashbacks to the World Series last year, which is nice.

Steve Stone Is Returning to the South Side

I don't mean to say anything negative about Len Kasper and Bob Brenly, in fact I like them both very much, but I do miss the days when Steve Stone was doing the color commentary in the Cubs booth. He's just so good at it. Whether it was all the years he spent translating Harry for all of us, or the few seasons he spent making Chip Caray somewhat tolerable, he's always been good at his job.

Now it looks as though he'll be returning to the television booth in Chicago. As a substitute. For the White Sox.

With TV analyst Darrin Jackson set to miss games in early August for the birth of his child, the Sox will summon that old right-hander, Steve Stone, to partner with Hawk Harrelson.

"It's very exciting to get the chance to call baseball games again," Stone said. "I thought my career had ended when high-def came in."

Awesome.

Jackson is expected to be gone for about a week in early August as his wife is due to have a baby on August 6th. That means the Sox homestand from August 7-12 is probably going to have Stone in his place.

What makes this even better? Well Chris Singleton's contract to do color on Sox radio broadcasts ends after this season, and it's very likely he won't get a new one, allowing Stone to join the White Sox radio booth.

It's the little things like this we must hold on to and cherish during these tough times. Hope! Precious, precious hope.

Hawk Probably Feels Kinda Dumb Today

If you're like me and you watched the Sox/Cubs game yesterday on Comcast instead of WGN, you were probably a bit confused as to what was going in the 8th inning.

While they were busy showing replays of Juan Uribe obstructing Angel Pagan on the basepaths over at WGN, they never once showed a replay of it on Comcast. Apparently nobody ever told Hawk or DJ either.

The question has come up whether or not Hawk and DJ should issue an apology to Joe West before tonight's Sox game. I think they should.

Personally my favorite part of the entire thing is when Hawk blows up after Ozzie gets ejected, and then after the game you read about how Ozzie asked West to throw him out.

Crew chief Joe West said Guillen acted like a gentleman and did not use profanity, but asked to be thrown out of the game."You can't blame him. It was a messed-up play that you don't see very often. Uribe is not known for trying to cheat or get in somebody's way, but it happens," West said. "He got two outs and he ended up getting no outs and that's why Ozzie said, 'You're just going to have to run me.'"

I thought it was obvious that's what happened seeing as how Ozzie wasn't arguing or yelling, but I guess Hawk was too busy wondering what the hell was going on. It's not completely his fault. Did he overreact? Yes, but there probably should have been somebody in his ear letting him know what was going on. It's obvious nobody told him.

Hey Hawk, Can the Corn

As a lifelong White Sox fan, I've watched quite a few Sox games in my lifetime. It's hard to believe, I know, but that doesn't change the fact that it's true.

Of course, that means I've spent a lot of my life listening to Hawk Harrelson call the games.

Now, I know that people generally seem to love Hawk or hate him.

Me? I've always kind of fallen in the middle.

I don't mind him being an unabashed homer, as long as he doesn't take it to a level where he sounds completely ridiculous. Like when he starts pulling out the conspiracy theories about how the home plate umpire is giving the White Sox a completely different strike zone than the other team.

Listen, Hawk. Just because an ump makes one bad call does not mean he has a vendetta against us for killing his mother when he was a little boy.

There's also some of Hawk's catch phrases. The "hang wiffum," "can of corn," the "duck snort," and of course the "You can put it on the board, yeeees." I like some, I don't like some.

But in the last week, Hawk has introduced a new phrase into his daily lexicon that is driving me insane.

During a Sox loss to the Pirates, Jim Thome hit a deep drive to left field that was caught by Jason Bay, robbing Thome of a home run and the Sox from the lead. As Bay drifted back, Hawk went into another one of his old standbys.

"Stretch! Stretch! C'mon stretch! Get back there!!"

Then Bay caught the ball.

"Dadgummit!!"

I laughed. I thought it was just the good ole boy in the Georgia born-and-raised Hawk poking his head out for a moment in the booth.

Then in the next Sox game, he said it again. And in the game after that. In fact he now says it everytime something bad happens.

A deep fly ball to center that's caught at the track?

"Dadgummit!!"

The bullpen surrendering their 17th home run of the ball game?

"Dadgummit!!"

Ozzie Guillen turning down Hawk's latest advances?

"Dadgummit!!"

Ok, so that last one isn't true, but you get the point.

Anyway, Hawk. I'm begging you. Stop saying it.

In the history of dumb things I've ever heard announcers say, this one is right up there.

Quite frankly, the only logical next step is for you to start playing "Dueling Banjos" on the air. And I don't want that hillbilly shit creeping into my White Sox game. This is baseball. If you want to be a redneck, go call NASCAR races.

Also, if you want to take this personally and refer to me or my website on air like you do Mariotti, thereby giving me all sorts of pub, feel free. You can even call me a hiney-bird. Just know that I hate Mariotti too, and would in all likelihood be honored by it.



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Worst Baseball Announcers

Maxim Magazine has put out a list of the ten worst baseball announcers in the game today, and it features a couple of Chicago's finest.

1. Tim McCarver-Fox
2. Chris Berman-ESPN
3. Mark Grace-Diamondbacks/Fox
4. John Sterling-Yankees
5. Steve Lyons-Dodgers
6. Hawk Harrelson-White Sox
7. Ron Santo-Cubs
8. Thom Brennaman-Reds/Fox
9. David Justice-YES Network
10. Ralph Kaline-Mets

Let's see. They've got both Santo and Hawk. Mark Grace is in there, and he's a former Cub. Thom Brennaman used to call Cubs games, and he butchers an amazing name like Tom. Steve Lyons used to play for the White Sox and dated my friend's mom.

So, Chicago is very well represented in this list. Be proud, folks.

I couldn't agree more with McCarver and Berman at the top, but I have a few beefs. I actually like Thom Brennaman a lot; he shouldn't be on this list. Also, I know Gracie can be a bit annoying at times, but third is a bit too high.

I completely understand Hawk and Ronnie. They are both an acquired taste, and I'll admit both amuse me just as often as they annoy the hell out of me.

What Santo needs to worry about is that flaming case of herpes he seems to have in his picture.

What would your list look like?