Please Stop Masturbating To The Dewey Decimal System

Since I only care about Penn State football and not the basketball team, it would take a pretty insane story to get me to write a post here about Penn State basketball, or one of the team's players.

I'm not talking "Penn State basketball player scores 55 points" crazy, or "Joe Paterno retires to take over school's basketball program." I'm talking "masturbating in the school library" insane. (Okay, I'd cover the Paterno story.) Which is why I'm grateful for point guard Stanley Pringle and his need to shoot take a load off.

Penn State Police confirmed today that they have filed charges against Nittany Lions basketball player Stanley Pringle in an incident involving public masturbation that occurred last Thursday in Pattee Library.

Police said Pringle, the team's point guard, sat behind the victim in the stacks section of the library, attempted to start a conversation with the woman and began masturbating. Police have filed charges of public lewdness and disorderly conduct against him in connection to the incident, but Centre County District Judge Jonathan Grine, who is out of the office, was unable to sign the criminal complaint as of 2 p.m. today. Without the signed complaint, Pringle cannot be formally arrested.

Wait a second...that's a crime? That's how I met my last three girlfriends!

At least we know why Stanley's last name is Pringle now, because once it popped, he couldn't stop.

Well, the scouting reports were right, he does have excellent ball handling skills.

I can do this all day, people.

Seriously though, this just goes to show how bad Penn State's basketball team is. The damn point guard on the team has so much trouble picking up girls at the school, he has to resort to jerking off behind them in a library.