Other Sports Scandals That Require Immediate Congressional Intervention

Some naysayers out there have their man panties in a twist about Congress spending its time on steroids and Spygate. These nabobs of negativism would have Congress focus on matters like pharmaceutical company price gouging, repeated White House lies about the Iraq war, the nation’s crumbling infrastructure, a looming recession...

What. Ever.

Me, I’m in favor of Congress devoting all its time and attention to sports issues. Cuz what’s more important, unregulated energy trading markets that allowed Exxon to register a record-breaking $41 billion profit last year or Patriots home movies of Bob Sutton sneaking the Ninja Star to Omare Lowe?

Exactly.

In fact, I think Congress should be delving more deeply into the serious national issues that trouble every true American (and by true American, I mean sports fan), to wit:

Giselle Bunchen. Bitch promised to run through the streets of New City naked if her boy toy lost the Big Game. Now she’s reneging? If there’s anything that pisses off elected officials, it’s people who make promises they don’t keep. This calls for an investigation! Does Giselle have a current visa? Does this “Victoria" have some other secrets? I say, haul her in before the Committee on Homeland Security, put her under oath, and demand some answers. And make her wear the Santa suit.


Hot Russian female tennis players. What's the story here? I mean, how did it happen that suddenly every comely "-ic" and "-ova" are top contenders on the tennis circuit? This is a troubling turn of events, as it severely reduces the pool of Russian brides available for American men, not to mention affecting the quality of strippers at Scores. But there is a deeper, darker secret lurking here and Maria Sharapova holds the key. Maria is from Chernobyl. You know, "worst nuclear power plant accident in history" Chernobyl? Maria calls herself a survivor of the deadly event. Here's the problem with that: Chernobyl occurred on April 26, 1986, a year before she was born. Extensive research (I've watched X-Men, X2 and X-Men: The Last Stand) leads me to an inescapable conclusion: Maria is a mutant. This means she and her other ex-Iron Curtain mutant cronies have a totally unfair advantage over our American women tennis players who - as Lindsay Davenport (left) so tragically demonstrates - use nothing to enhance their play, much less appearance. I'm not sure which Senate committee handles superhuman beings, but thinking it's probably Foreign Relations, so I call on you, Senator Biden, to subpoena Sharapova's shapely mutant ass. And make her wear Giselle's Santa suit.

IndyCar Crisis. Seriously, how many more crashes have to occur before Congress wakes up and takes the necessary action to stop these unsafe drivers? I don't know about you, but I blame Danica Patrick. (Did you see the Detroit Grand Prix? Buddy Rice running out of gas.... yeah, sure.) Senator Innoye, Chairman of the Transportation Committee, you know what to do. Make her wear the Santa suit and her helmet.

SwamiGate. C'mon, Chris Berman must be breaking some FCC law, right? For God's sake, you guys on the Select Committee on Intelligence can dig up actionable dirt on him if you just make a little effort. A syringe, a crushed Miller Lite can, a leather stain...anything. And please, please, please, make him wear that Santa suit.

Foul Balls

Urlacher Has Neck Surgery - Well, it appears Brian Urlacher had a good reason for his less-than-stellar season.

Urlacher recently had neck surgery to correct a problem detected during a routine postseason physical, sources confirmed Thursday night.

Surgeons performed a procedure on Urlacher's lower neck region to address something believed to be affecting the cervical curve of the spine, according to a person familiar with the surgery. Urlacher was said to be experiencing soreness before the surgery

While no one is going on the record, sources at Halas Hall claim the surgery wasn't serious - comparing it to "typical postseason medical maintenance." According to them, Urlacher will be back before training camp opens.

Speaking from personal experience, I can state unequivocably that there is no such thing as "routine" neck surgery. Not to mention the guy's thirty - which makes him "sixty" in football years. Sorry, but this can't be good news for the Bears.

Regardless, here's wishing Urlacher a speedy - and full - recovery.

U-G-L-I-N-I - I didn't get a chance to see last night's game against Indiana but from all accounts, it was not Chester Frazier or the Illini fans' finest hour.

As the Hoosiers stretched before the game, [Illinois] students chanted, "Traitor! Traitor" and then "Liar! Liar!"

Moments later, the Hoosiers headed back to the locker room to a chorus of boos.The "Liar" chant commenced again just before the game, along with an obscene one from students in the Assembly Hall's upper reaches.

When Chester Frazier met Gordon at midcourt to shake hands during introductions, he delivered a hard chest-bump that knocked Gordon back a step and seemed to stun him.

It was such a brutal hit, the TV analysts suggested Frazier receive a technical.

According to Jay Marriotti, the Frazier push and the crowd's threatening behavior made Gordon's father, there for the game, "grateful he'd hired a security guard for his son."

A security guard for a kid playing a college basketball game? All because he changed his mind about going to Illinois? Maybe I'm just getting soft in my old age but since when did American sports fans go Euro?