Rick Telander Doesn't Trust Anybody

I didn't see Rick Telander's column in the Chicago Sun-Times yesterday until I was already at work, but if I had read it before I left in the morning, I don't think I'd have had any trouble finding something to write about yesterday.

Telander's column was focused on one thing: his Hall of Fame ballot. The ballot he left blank and refused to turn in this year.

I didn't mail my ballot. The stamp is still good.

The Steroid Era has taken the wind out of my sail.

I am weary of the constant insult brought on by doping and stupidity and head-in-the-sand-ism and Bonds-ish arrogance and Clemens-ian tape-recording and duplicity of all manner and the way this has chipped away at the edifice of the wondrous American sport of baseball.

Now I understand where Telander is coming from here. His point is that he just doesn't know whom to trust anymore in the world of baseball. But I still think his not sending in his ballot is absolutely ridiculous.

Especially when he goes on in the column to say things like this.

I read the biographies of the 25 candidates in detail, studying numbers as intensely as an accountant.

Rich Gossage -- nine All-Star teams, 310 saves, 2.36 World Series ERA. I'm delighted Goose was voted in Tuesday.

He deserved it.

I voted for him in 2007.

So he deserved your vote last year, when you already knew about Mark McGwire, Barry Bonds, Sammy Sosa, and everybody else, but now that Roger Clemens and David Segui's names have come out, you can't vote?

What the hell sense does that make? If you have children, let's say three of them, and you find a bag of weed in your youngest kids' bedroom, do you punish your oldest kid as well because he might have gotten high once in his life as well?

No. You punish the one you busted.

Of course, there's a difference between your kid getting busted with pot, and a baseball player doing steroids 25 years ago. That difference is your kid actually did something illegal, where as baseball players did nothing against the rules.

I won't even get started on the absurdity of what Telander said here.

I saw Tommy John throw some mediocre games. But I saw him come back from radical elbow surgery that one day would be named after him.

Tommy John -- 288 wins -- was a pioneer. He should be in the Hall.

What if Tommy John made his comeback from that tendon grafting because of HGH?

Ok, Rick. Did anyone even know what the hell HGH was back when Tommy John played? Honestly, I don't know.

Maybe things are just different for me because my entire baseball-loving life has existed during the steroid era. I don't know any other game, and guess what, I love the game just as much as fans did before me.

I don't know. All I know is that if I was ever honored with having a ballot for the Hall of Fame, I'd actually use the damn thing.

And not just for a column.

Foul Balls

So Maybe The Falcons Aren't Wasting Their Time (Okay, They Are) - Yesterday I said there was no way in hell that USC coach Pete Carroll would ever leave sunny southern California to take over in Atlanta as coach of the Falcons.

Apparently I was wrong.

Carroll is interested in the job, and he's talking to the Falcons about it.

Southern California coach Pete Carroll is interested in the Falcons' head coach opening and spoke with Atlanta owner Arthur Blank via phone Wednesday, sources at the American Football Coaches Convention in Anaheim told ESPN's Joe Schad.

Blank, who has also been searching for a general mangager, was expected to offer full control of personnel decisions to Carroll, and the sources said that is what intrigues Carroll most. The coach is currently on vacation in Hawaii.

Okay, Pete. Let's think about this for a second. Let's say I had a choice between Jessica Alba and Britney Spears. I could take whichever one of the two I chose, and have complete control over both of them. What they do, and when they do it with whomever I tell them to do it with.

Who would I pick? Let's break down our options.

In the case Alba, you have an established star who's still rising, and oh yeah, she's hotter than hell. With Spears, you have a situation that used to look nice and had a lot of promise, but all we've seen from her the last year is not pretty. Things are falling apart, and fast.

Don't pick Britney Spears, Pete.

The Bears Can Take Derek Anderson's Name Off Their Wish List - So most of the talk about who the Bears were going to go after to play quarterback next season included Donovan McNabb and Derek Anderson.

Word out of Philadelphia is that the Eagles aren't interested in trading McNabb, but that could be nothing more of a way to make sure that if they do trade him, they want anybody who is interested to know that he won't come cheap.

As for Derek Anderson, well, the Bears won't be signing the restricted free agent because he's not going to be a restricted free agent.

The Browns plan to sign quarterback Derek Anderson to a multiyear deal soon, keep him off the restricted free-agent market and let him start at least one more season, Browns General Manager Phil Savage said Wednesday.

In his end of the season news conference, Savage said the Browns have been talking to Anderson's agents and that negotiations could heat up by the end of this week.

So Brady Quinn will be sitting for at least one more year in Cleveland, who now has a situation that's very similar to the one the Chargers faced a few years ago with Drew Brees and Philip Rivers. The Browns may keep both quarterbacks for one more year, but there's no way in hell they keep both in 2009. That's just too much money locked up into your quarterback position, so I expect the "Get Brady Quinn!!" screams to start around the second preseason game next season.

Tyler Hansbrough Fears No Giant - UNC-Asheville has a 7'9 7'7" (Ed. Note: Thanks to Jenks for pointing that out) center named Kenny George on their team. No joke, the kid is 7'7. The UNC Tar Heels have Tyler Hansbrough, who's nearly a full foot shorter than George at 6'9.

That didn't stop Tyler from dunking on the big man on Wednesday night though.

To Hell With Thinking

I don't know what it is about today, but there's just nothing going on in the world of sports right now that I feel like dedicating a lot of time too. I'm working on a Conversations With God for Roger Clemens, but I don't like where it's going right now, and I'm unsure whether I'll finish it up and use it.

As I said in the Diaries, I was going to write about the Bulls today, but I'm sick of complaining about things and after last night's collapse, complaining is all I could do.

So instead I'm just going to do an extended version of the Foul Balls I put at the end of every column I write here now.

It's quick, easy, and to the point. Plus I don't have to think as much, which is always a bonus.

Get Ready For Brian Roberts - Sure he's named in the Mitchell Report, and so what if the Cubs already have my favorite player on the team at second base in Mark DeRosa, they're still going after Baltimore's Brian Roberts and it looks like the trade can be completed any second now.

If it does happen, it won't be cheap.

On hold over much of the last month, the Brian Roberts talks are on again between the Cubs and Baltimore Orioles. This deal is almost certainly going to happen -- the only question is when and how much it is going to cost the Cubs.

The feeling among major league executives is soon, and a lot. Don't be surprised if the trade is finalized later this week -- perhaps even Wednesday -- and the deal includes pitchers Sean Marshall, Sean Gallagher and Ronny Cedeno.

Giving up Marshall and Gallagher could be a high price, especially when you consider that it means Jason Marquis will likely have to man the 5th spot in the rotation all season. Not just the first half when he's actually serviceable. I'm never a fan of a team thinning out it's pitching rotation, but the Cubs seem set on doing it this offseason.

The positives of getting Roberts though most revolve around the fact the Cubs will finally be able to move Alfonso Soriano out of the lead-off spot. Of course, I'm not sure Alfonso will see that as a positive, but for $18 million a year he should play naked if the team tells him to.

The Falcons Would Like To Waste Their Time - At this point I have no idea why anybody would want to take over the head coaching job for the Falcons. The team was destroyed last season when Mike Vick went to jail, and now needs to be completely blown up and built again.

Arthur Blank thought he had Bill Parcells ready to fix things before finding out that Tuna was only using Atlanta to drive up his price in Miami, and now Arthur's setting his sights on somebody else who wouldn't leave his job for Atlanta unless you put a shotgun in his mouth.

USC's Pete Carroll.

Multiple sources told ESPN.com late Tuesday night that the Falcons are pursuing Pete Carroll for an interview. If Carroll agrees, and the logistics can be arranged, the Southern California coach could huddle with Atlanta owner Arthur Blank by the weekend. Carroll, who has previously been a head coach in the NFL with the New York Jets and New England Patriots, would certainly become the biggest name on the list of Atlanta candidates.

If I'm Pete Carroll, I don't even answer Atlanta's phone calls, let alone set up an interview with them. Generally in the world of coaching, a move from the college ranks to the NFL is considered a step forward in a coaches career. This would not be one of those times. I'm not even convinced the Falcons could beat USC on a neutral field right now.

Besides, Carroll's already been in the NFL twice and things didn't work out. He's perfectly suited for coaching in college, and he has a wonderful thing going in southern California, where it's important to remember there is no NFL team. So basically, he's already the top dog in a huge market. Why ruin it?

Josh Brown To Wear Hot Pants In Green Bay - Seattle Seahawks kicker Josh Brown is some kind of super genius on the MacGuyver level. He realizes that when the Seahawks play the Packers this weekend at Lambeau Field, it's probably going to be cold. So that's why he's invented some cool new pants to keep warm on the sidelines while waiting to kick that game-winning field goal.

Brown says he has equipped his pants with battery-powered heaters for the calves, thighs and hamstrings.

Brown told KIRO Radio that no matter how low the temperature drops, his legs will be 75 degrees.

Here's hoping that some of the snow that's going to be falling melts on his pants, shorts something, and then we all see Josh Brown running across the field with his legs on fire.

Kirk Hinrich Lost His Jock - This play took place at a point in the game where the Bulls were firmly in control of the Knicks, but in the end it was kind of a perfect example of how the game ended last night.

Seriously, Jamal Crawford. That was nice. There aren't many times during an NBA game where every single person in the building goes "Wooo!" simultaneously, but this was one of them.

Mike Vick Won't Be Attending the First Day of Camp

With Mike Vick's recent indictment due to his love of seeing pit bulls kill one another, it's just been a pretty hellish offseason for the Falcons quarterback. I'm guessing Mike couldn't wait until training camp started, just so he could get his mind off of things for a while.

Well, he won't. Turns out he'll have to push the start of his training camp back a day.

Vick is to appear at a 3:30 p.m. bond hearing before U.S. Magistrate Judge Dennis Dohnal and a 4 p.m. arraignment before U.S. District Judge Henry Hudson, who will handle the case that has put his career in jeopardy.

The Falcons' first practice begins at 3 p.m. the same day - a coincidence that promises to fuel the media maelstrom swirling around the team.

If you're unaware of some of the things Vick has been accused of in the indictment, they include hanging dogs. Drowning dogs. And of course, slamming dogs into the ground to kill them.

I guess Mike just never found the time to ask his brother Marcus for a gun. Wouldn't shooting them be a lot easier?

For more complete coverage on everything surrounding Mike Vick right now, I recommend FanHouse where my colleagues are all over it.

Mike Vick Knows Nothing About Disposing of Bodies

Listen, when you kill somebody or something illegally, there's a lot more to the process of just killing them. After you kill them, you have to dispose of the body. You just don't want to leave any evidence behind.

Take it from me, I've killed hundreds of people and nobody's caught me yet. Sure, the cops have grown suspicious, but I just use my charm and wit to convince them that the dead hooker on the floor behind me is just sleeping. I tell them that "she had a looooooong night" and we exchange high fives.

Mike Vick really could have studied me for a while, or else he might not be in the situation he currently finds himself in.

A search warrant issued, but not served, on the property owned by Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick sought to unearth the remains of "approximately 30 dogs buried in various locations on the property."

W.R. Brinkman, a Surry County, Va., investigator and a member of the Virginia Dogfighting Task Force, requested approval to search the property. The warrant stated "reliable sources of information reveal" the presence of the dog remains and, on May 22, Brinkman "was informed that on or about April 23, 2007, that seven pit bulls were destroyed and buried in shallow graves on the property."

Come on, Mike. Did they teach you anything at Virginia Tech?

You don't bury the bodies on the property. You fill them with cement and throw them in a lake. You burn them. You sell them to your local Chinese food restaurant.

But you don't bury them in shallow graves on your own property. That's just dumb.

What are we teaching our kids these days?

Michael Vick Was Just Hiding the Family Jewels

That's right, it wasn't pot in Michael Vick's water bottle but a pot 'a gold. Maybe a couple diamond ear studs, too.

Speaking publicly for the first time since the infamous water bottle incident at the Miami airport last January, Vick explained Thursday that he had jewelry and other valuables in the hidden compartment.

"I have had that bottle for years, for a long time. If you had seen the bottle, you would have never known there was any jewelry in there. I have had things stolen out of hotels. But I had never checked it through the airport."

Vick said he did not speak out at the time because,

"Nobody wanted to listen to me. I was under the microscope. I didn't do anything wrong and people wrote this and said that. They didn't know the story. When it came back that I was cleared, they said all this and knocked me down and kicked me around. Everything was false."

Vick also spoke about playing for new coach Bobby Petrino, expressing his excitement to be told for the first time ever that he's running the offense.

So, the guy who tried to slip past hyper-vigilant airport security guards with a federally banned water bottle that included a secret compartment is now crafting Atlanta's offense.

Congratulations, Michael. Here's hoping your plans for a quarterback sneak are a little more artful.

Mike Vick Likes The Sweet Cheeba

Michael Vick raised some suspicion at Miami International Airport Wednesday morning. Why?

Cuz he wouldn't throw away his water bottle.

The reason, police say: The plastic bottle had a secret compartment that, when opened, had a dark residue and a pungent odor of marijuana.

Vick boarded his 8:20 a.m. AirTran flight to Atlanta before screeners called police. Now Miami-Dade police are examining the bottle and could charge him if it tests positive for drugs.

Who knew Mike Vick would end up a victim of terrorism?

The Miami police notified the NFL of their investigation.

It all started when Vick was asked to ditch his water at a security checkpoint. Passengers are not allowed on a plane with more than three ounces of water. Vick initially refused to do so, but eventually he relented, and boarded the plane.

Still, Vick's hesitation made Transportation Security Administration screener Gertrude Joseph a little bit suspicious. So she went to the garbage can in which Vick threw out his bottle, and got it out of the garbage. Once she discovered the hidden compartment, she notified her supervisor.

After checking surveillance footage, police said it corraborated with Joseph's story.

''The concealed compartment contained a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana. The top half contained a small amount of clear liquid. When held upright the bottle appeared to be half full of water."

-Miami-Dade Detective Kevin Kozak

All we know is that with Vick's "alleged" troubles with "cold sores," we're gonna have to take a rain check next time he passes the dutchie to us.

(Thanks to Silvio for the tip)