A Letter From Caleb Hanie

Hey there, Bears fans.  Rough night last night, huh?  Yeah, all losses are tough to take, but that one may have been a bit harder to swallow than the rest.  Especially considering that it's been our defense that has screwed us over so many times, and then when they finally get a chance to look good by stopping the 27th ranked offense in the NFL, the offense goes and blows it with the turnovers.

Let's just say the flight home from San Francisco after the game wasn't fun.  Especially when my iPod battery died out somewhere over Colorado.  So I had to watch the in flight movie, and it was "The Ugly Truth."  I know, just when you thought a night couldn't get any worse.

That's not what I'm writing this letter about though.  No, it's just that after last night's game I've heard from fans on message boards and the 30 or so screaming at us on the tarmac as we got off the plane that some of you want me to start.

It's touching.  Really it is.  It's always nice to feel wanted, but I need you all to do me a favor.



STOP IT.

Seriously.

Like right the hell now.

I don't want to start, okay?  I've got a pretty sweet gig here.  We traded so much to Denver in order to get Jay Cutler here that he has to be the team's starting quarterback for like the next 20 years, which is why I wanted to play in Chicago so badly.

Do you realize that I get paid $310,000 a year to spend my week watching film with Jay, getting him sugar free candy, taking like 6 snaps in practice, and then spending Sunday afternoons holding a clipboard and pretending to listen to Pep Hamilton on the sideline?

It's the greatest job in the world, and I don't want to mess all of that up by actually having to play in the games.

Have you seen our offensive line?

I may as well go stand on the Kennedy at noon on Sundays with a blindfold on and just wait to get hit.

I know that I played well in the preseason this year and last year.  I was there.  But you people do realize I was playing against third and fourth stringers out there, don't you?  It's basically the same thing as when I was at Colorado State and taking on other great Mountain West teams like Wyoming and New Mexico.

Put me in against NFL starters and I guarantee I will let you down.  That's not my assessment of my talent, because I do have some self-confidence, but rather a threat.  You think things have been bad with Jay this season?

Put me under center.  See what I do to you.

I'm not kidding.

I will make you wish for Jonathan Quinn, okay?

I'm not the answer.  You want to fire the coaches?  I can live with that.  I mean, I like them and all, but only as much as you can ever like your bosses.  Maybe bring in an offensive-minded head coach or something.

I don't think the Bears have had one of those since Mike Ditka have you?  There was that guy with the mustache, that other guy, and then Lovie.  All three were defensive coordinators weren't they before coming to Chicago?

BUT DO NOT MAKE ME THE STARTING QUARTERBACK.

Got it?  Good.

I got to go now.  Jay's taking me out to lunch.  Which is another reason I don't want to start, cuz then I'll have to buy.

Thanks,
Caleb Hanie #12