The Loop: Jay Cutler Picks Up Where Kyle Orton Left Off

I have no doubt that the toughest thing new Bears quarterback Jay Cutler is going to have to do here in Chicago is emerge from the enormous shadow cast over him by the legend of Kyle Orton. Frankly, when you consider that Cutler couldn't escape the legacy of John Elway in Denver, then it's going to be damn near impossible to outshine a quarterback like Orton.

He can not shave for years and Cutler still won't be able to grow a neckbeard so fierce that it causes opposing defenses to soil themselves on the field.

So it's a good thing that Jay has realized if he's not going to be able to beat Orton on the field or with the facial hair, he damn well better start getting wasted at the club and having his picture show up on the internet like Orton did when he first came to Chicago.

From the guys over at Not Qualified To Comment we get the photo above, which was found on Facebook, where Cutler is seen with his new tight end Greg Olson at Hub51 in Chicago.

And hanging with Greg Olson while making stupid looking faces wasn't all Cutler was up to, as his Saturday night escapade even found its way into the New York Post's Page Six, where it's reported that Cutler hooked up with internet celebrity -- What the fuck is an internet celebrity? Am I an internet celebrity? -- Julia Allison.

IT didn't take long for Jay Cutler to acclimate to his new home. The newly minted Chicago Bears quarterback, who landed in the Windy City after being traded by the Denver Broncos, spent Saturday night canoodling with Internet celebrity Julia Allison at club Sub 51 in his new town. "He was sitting in a banquette and she was standing between his thighs, touching them and facing him," says a spy. "They were all over each other. It was kind of gross. He was drinking beer all night but she stuck to water." Our witness says Cutler and Allison left together, but not before he asked the deejay to play the Bears' fight song.

I think demanding the DJ play "Bear Down, Chicago Bears" is a nice touch, and I for one, am extremely proud of our new quarterback. The way he's overcome his diabetes to get super wasted and hook up with psuedo-celebrities, he's an inspiration to all of those people with bad haircuts that they too can succeed in life.

That'll do, QB. That'll do.

Jay Cutler's Schedule This Fall

The NFL released the schedule for the upcoming 2009 season, and even though we haven't even reached the draft yet, I figure it's never too early to breakdown how well Jay Cutler and the Bears are going to perform.

So let's get to it.

1. 9/13 @ Green Bay 7:20PM - This will be Cutler's first game as a Chicago Bear, and I figure that since it's against our greatest rival, the Packers, he's going to want to make a statement. So I'm going to say that Cutler throws for 532 yards and six touchdowns as the Bears cruise to a 63-7 victory.
2. 9/20 vs. Pittsburgh 3:15PM - Jay will be playing his first game at Soldier Field against the defending champions. He'll no doubt be feeling the pressure of wanting to please those drunken hooligans in the stands itching to chant for Brett Basanez, so I'd temper my expectations here. Cutler will only throw for 421 yards and three touchdowns as the Bears will win in a 27-24 squeaker.
3. 9/20 @ Seattle 3:05PM - Are you kidding me? The Seahawks secondary? I don't care how loud it gets in Seattle, the only noise anyone will hear are the sonic booms from Cutler's bombs to Devin Hester. I say 640 yards and nine tuddies. Bears win 77-2.
4. 10/4 vs. Detroit 12PM - Oh man, it gets even easier the next week. Still, I only see Cutler throwing for 550 yards and 3 scores here as Lovie decides to let Matt Forte get his first carries of the season in the second half with a comfortable lead. Bears 41-6.
5. 10/11 BYE WEEK - That's a week off for Jay to get hammered with Olson and the rest of the 7th Floor Crew.
6. 10/18 @ Atlanta 7:20PM - The Bears get their second Sunday nighter of the season in Atlanta where Cutler will show Matt Ryan what a real quarterback looks like. Still, Ryan's pretty good too, but he can't match Jay's 399 yards (Bears D forces a lot of turnovers and leaves Jay a short field) and five touchdowns. Bears win 45-20. The Falcons kept it close!
7. 10/25 @ Cincinnati 12PM - Ah the week where Cedric Benson and Tank Johnson look across the field at their old team and think of what might have been had they been able to stay in Chicago and share a locker room with a deity like Cutler. Jay shows them with his 748 yards and ten touchdowns, one of which is a 45-yard scamper down the sidelines. Bears 81-0.
8. 11/1 vs. Cleveland 12PM - The Browns will be out for blood since they were trying to get Cutler as well, but apparently Brady Quinn isn't as good as Kyle Orton, so they lost out. Cutler will take a few cheap shots, but he'll turn the other cheek like a messiah is supposed to do as he casually throws for 476 yards and four touchdowns. Bears march on 38-10.
9. 11/8 vs. Arizona 12PM - I'll bet you wish you got traded to Chicago now, Anquan Boldin. Watch as Cutler tears the defending NFC champions apart with golden arrows of victory, finishing with 602 yards and five touchdowns and walks off the field as Kurt Warner's new God. Bears 41-9.
10. 11/12 @ San Francisco 7:20PM - The Bears have a short week as they take on Mike Singletary and the Niners on a Thursday night. No matter, Jay's always thought Fridays and Saturdays were for pussies anyway. He throws for 350 yards and 6 touchdowns. Bears 50-14 after they go for two to get 50 as a salute to Samurai Mike. Mike then drops his pants in the locker room after the game and impales whoever his quarterback is at that point with his Samurai Sword.
11. 11/22 vs. Philadelphia 7:20PM - Primetime can't get enough of Jay Cutler and the Bears! America's love affair with the Diabetic Dandy takes a passionate turn when Jay throws for 491 yards and four more touchdowns. They even cheer him for throwing his first interception of the year to make the rest of us feel like he's almost one of us mere mortals. What a guy. Bears win 35-10.
12. 11/29 @ Minnesota 12PM - The Vikings may have Adrian Peterson, but they don't have Jay Cutler, whom they wanted and needed. Sucks for them, but Jay doesn't show any mercy as he throws for 527 yards and seven scores to help edge out the Vikings 51-42. Since Jay doesn't play defense, the Bears still can't stop Purple Jesus from rushing for five touchdowns and 347 yards. On six carries.
13. 12/6 vs. St. Louis 12PM - Orlando Pace and Torry Holt -- crossing fingers -- take on their former team and Cutler doesn't want to let them down. That's why he has his best game of the season, passing for 972 yards and 13 touchdowns. In only three quarters. Bears win 103-0.
14. 12/13 vs. Packers 12PM - These guys again? Please. Cutler throws for 642 yards and eight touchdowns, all the while updating his Twitter page from the huddle with life advice. Bears 88-3.
15. 12/20 @ Baltimore 12PM - The Ravens are always a tough defense, and this should be an epic battle between God's Linebacker Ray Lewis and God himself, Jay Cutler. It will be his toughest game of the season since Week 2 against Pittsburgh, but he's still the almighty so he throws for 389 yards and 3 touchdowns, while running for a fourth. Bears 31-21.
16. 12/28 vs. Minnesota 7:2oPM - Well it only took 16 weeks, but ESPN has finally decided to grace Chicago with its presence for a Monday night game. This excites Tony Kornheiser as he's had to listen to Wilbon tell him all about Cutler's magnificence all season, and Jay doesn't let Wilbon down. He throws for 647 yards and five touchdowns, but the Bears lose when Adrian Peterson tears them up for 489 yards rushing and seven touchdowns. After the game some of Cutler's disciples meet Peterson in the parking lot with a baseball bat or nine and destroy his knees. Jay publicly admonishes these thugs, but privately, he's pretty cool with it. He just hates to lose. He's a competitor! Vikings 49-48.
17. 1/3 @ Detroit 12PM - Incredibly pissed off over the previous week's loss, Da Diabetic shows no mercy for the 0-15 Lions and sends them to their second straight winless season by throwing for 879 yards and 11 touchdowns. Bears win 79-0.

So all in all it looks like the Bears are going to have a pretty good season.

The Ladies Love My Work

I got a nice little letter in my email inbox on Wednesday night from my old friend Alana -- aka Miss Gossip -- that sent me to a link on Yardbarker where there was video of Playboy Golf Girls talking about their favorite sports blogs.

Hey! Guess which blog popped up in there!



I love "reading" your work as well.