Cedric Benson Had A Tough Week

As I'm sure you've all heard by now, Bears running back Cedric Benson got into a bit of trouble over the weekend, when he was arrested for boating while intoxicated. While I try to remember a time when I was on a boat where either I, or the person driving the boat, didn't have a beer in their hand, here are some of the particulars for you to go over.

Lower Colorado River Authority police arrested the Bears running back, who played at the University of Texas in Austin, on Lake Travis during a random safety inspection. An LCRA spokesman said Benson, who failed a sobriety "float test" (an abbreviated version of a field sobriety test) on his 37-foot yacht, argued over taking a follow-up test on land and refused to put on a life jacket. LCRA officers said they attempted to arrest Benson at that time but that he refused to cooperate and was pepper-sprayed. He was booked at 11:24 p.m. Saturday at the Travis County Jail and was out early Sunday morning on $14,500 bond.

Now without being there, this is how I picture the whole thing went down.

River Authority Cop #1: Man, where in life did we mess up bad enough to become River Authority cops?

River Authority Cop #2: I don't know, hoss. I don't know.

RAC #1: Not a day goes by where I don't think about killing maself.

RAC#2: Me too.

RAC#1: Want to end it all right here? Together?

RAC#2: You know what? Fuck it. Let's do..

RAC#1: Wait a second, what's that? It's a boat! Let's go mess with them, and then kill ourselves.

RAC #2: Sounds like a plan to me!

(the River Authority cops then go over to Cedric Benson's boat, and climb on board)

RAC#1: Be careful man, there's black people on this boat.

RAC#2: Way ahead of you, hoss. Already got ma pepper spray ready.

RAC#1: Good. Juss let me do all the talkin.

(Cedric Benson then approaches the cops, takes two steps and falls down, but then gets back up)

Cedric Benson: Damn waves! There a problem here officer?

RAC#1: You drunk, boy?

Benson: Drunk? Oh hell no.

RAC#1: Then why you fall down back there?

Benson: Oh, I'm never able to take more than two or three steps without falling down or gettin hurt. It's a condition I have called "major suckitis."

RAC#1: You sure you ain't drunk?

Benson: Pretty damn sure.

RAC#1: He's a cussin at us! And resisting arrest! SPRAY HIM, DAMMIT, SPRAY HIM!!

(RAC#2 then sprays Benson in the eyes for 25 minutes)

Benson: Aaaaaah!!

Then the cops dragged the blind bastard off the boat and arrested him.

For the most part, Benson agrees with my version of the story.

"There was no resistance on my part," Benson told the Tribune on Sunday night. "Was I drunk? No."

Benson said there was alcohol on his boat but that he was not intoxicated and the boat was stationary when police arrived. He said he fully cooperated with officers and that this was the sixth time he had been questioned by lake police in the year that he has owned the boat.

"They gave me a field sobriety test, told me to say my ABCs and told me to count from 1 to 4 up and down," Benson said of Saturday's incident. "I'm thinking, I passed all the tests, did everything right. Then the officer told me we needed to go to land to take more tests. I politely asked him why we needed to go to land to take more tests when I took every test. Then he sprayed me with mace, on his boat.

"I'm not handcuffed. I'm not under arrest. I'm not threatening him. I'm not pushing him. I'm not touching him. And he sprays me right in my eye."

Benson said by that time, he was far removed from the family and friends left on his boat, a group that included his mother.

"Nobody saw what he did to me," Benson said. "I started screaming for my mother to come. That's when they put me under arrest. And the officer threw a life jacket over my head.

"Once we got to land, the Travis County police grabbed me and kicked my feet from under me. So I landed on my back while I was handcuffed. They held me down and held the water hose over my face. I couldn't breathe, I'm choking, I'm begging the cops, 'Please stop. Please stop.' Then they picked me up and dragged me backward toward their car. And I'm still being polite, asking them, 'Sir, could you please allow me to walk like a man to your cop car?' They just kept dragging me on."

Okay, so it's not exactly the same, but whatever. Sports blogs aren't known for their accuracy in reporting, ain't that right, Buzz?

No matter what actually happened, this was just the crowning jewel on what was a craptastic week for Cedric. It all started on Sunday when the Bears drafted Matt Forte in the 2nd round of the draft, effectively making it official that Benson is a bust, and there's also a chance he won't have a job once the season starts. Now this. I'd almost feel bad for him, you know, if he didn't suck so bad.