Is Something Wrong With Jay Mariotti?

I'm worried, seriously. I know Mariotti had a procedure done on his heart last January (insert "Mariotti has a heart?" joke here), and he came out all right, but I'm starting to worry something may be wrong with Chicago's most polarizing columnist.

Things started out normal enough on Sunday when Jay was ripping Cubs fans for being Cubs fans:

Hey, you. Yes, the dope throwing a baseball on the field at the same time 14 other dopes throw baseballs on the field. You are not the story. You think you're the story, in part because the media have overdosed in romanticizing the fan experience at Wrigley Field. But in truth, you're just an assclown (They're letting assclown into the Sun-Times now? Who says blogging hasn't had an impact on the mainstream media!) who could hit someone in the head, including a Cubs player.

And, you. Yes, the frightening excuse for a human being who sold a crude and racially insensitive t-shirt at a stand across from Wrigley. You are not the story. You think you're the story, because in your pathetic little world, making fun of Kosuke Fukudome with images of a slanted-eyed cub from the official team logo and oversized Harry Caray glasses -- with ``Horry Kow'' spelled out in Japanese -- somehow is good business. But in truth, you and the idiots who bought such garbage need one-way tickets to another planet.

And, you. Yeah, the derelict who fell into the left-field basket on Opening Day.(You're famous, Silvio!) You are not the story. You think you're the story, like a lot of people who sit in the bleachers and realize the TV cameras always are on because, you know, only the cool kids sit out there. But in truth, you deserve to be ridiculed by YouTube surfers who note that your shoe remained in the basket after you were pulled out.

The problem with the Friendly Confines is that they've become relentlessly unfriendly and increasingly obnoxious and stupid. Fueled by alcohol, ego, 100 years of institutional futility and a blind belief that an entire universe revolves around their expensive butt space on the north side of Chicago, in the state of Illinois, in what is supposed to be the clear-thinking heartland of America, a lot of Cubs fans seem to think they're bigger than the players, the manager and the games.

Nothing out of the ordinary there, though he may be making a bigger deal of it than is necessary. I mean, this isn't exactly the first year the Cubs have had drunken morons in the bleachers. Still, at the end of the column, Mariotti dropped this bomb that caused me to start becoming concerned.

But lately -- and brace yourselves -- Wrigley has traded places with what suddenly is a kinder, more sedate ballpark.

In the name of William Ligue, would you believe U.S. Cellular Field has become saner than Cubdom?

Whoa. I never thought Jay would say something like that, and it took me some time to come to grips with it. Then I woke up this morning, and my mind was absolutely blown.

I'm not sure how this is possible, but several days have passed since Ozzie Guillen torched an umpire or infuriated a country. More impressively, we've gone entire weeks without Ken Williams complaining about a mysterious anti-White Sox bias or threatening to sue Jose Canseco. Which is precisely what I like about the Sox right now.

There's no noise pollution or contrived testosterone in the air, just a b.s.-free commitment to focus, surprisingly good pitching and winning. Not long ago, Williams cracked wise about his intense approach to his job and said, "Maybe I'm just not a happy person." Well, at the moment, life is one big Zoloft pill for the 24/7 general manager. The Sox are leading the American League Central, playing steady baseball as the heavily favored Tigers and Indians encounter issues that could linger. They're receiving sharp outings from Williams' two colossal pitching gambles, kid starters John Danks and Gavin Floyd, which gives them a chance to have four reliable rotation arms. The Nick Swisher deal is paying dividends in hustle and personality, despite that epidemic of facial hair he helped launch, and though I'd much rather have Miguel Cabrera, the Other Cabrera is a bottle of glue at shortstop.

He then goes on to write an entire column about the White Sox in which he doesn't rip on them once. He doesn't even work in a dig at Jerry Reinsdorf or Hawk Harrelson! (Though he does mention the story about the Cubs possibly throwing the 1918 World Series. Nice to know you're still a fan, Jay.) What the hell is going on here?

Is Jay losing it? Has he gone soft?

Of course not. It's obvious what's going on here. Jay is hoping that somehow the positive vibe he sends towards the south side will somehow cause the White Sox to collapse and blow this early season lead they have in the AL Central. It's the only logical explanation.

I'm on to you, Jay.