Umpires Don't Like Being Associated With The KKK

It's not surprising that after the whole Tim Donaghy scandal in the NBA last year, other professional sports leagues would start delving a little deeper into the personal lives of their own officials. No league wants to be the next one to find out that they have crooked refs, or umpires.

This of course includes Major League Baseball, who have recently been doing some rather thorough background checks on their umpires. They're leaving no stone unturned as the league has sent investigators to the hometowns of umpires to see if they can find anything in their background that could potentially be damaging to the league's reputation.

Like say, maybe having an umpire who's also a member of the KKK.

Umpires are livid that Major League Baseball has sent investigators to their hometowns, asking neighbors a series of questions that include whether the ump belongs to the Ku Klux Klan.

"The questions that we found out are being asked are about beating wives, marijuana use and extravagant parties," World Umpires Association president John Hirschbeck said in a telephone interview Wednesday. "And then finally with this whole thing about the Ku Klux Klan.

"You get someone from security, shows his credentials and starts asking these kind of questions, and right away what's the neighbor going to think other than the umpire is in trouble, he's done something wrong and he's going to lose his job."

Hirschbeck and union spokesman Lamell McMorris said Tom Christopher, the Milwaukee-based supervisor of security and investigations in the commissioner's office, had asked questions about Klan membership to neighbors of umpires Greg Gibson and Sam Holbrook, who reside in Kentucky. In addition, Hirschbeck said similar questions had been asked to neighbors of umpire Ron Kulpa, who lives in suburban St. Louis.

Apparently Bud Selig sees no other explanation for the careers of players like David Eckstein.

All of this gets me thinking that maybe baseball should put their umpires on Moment of Truth. I can just see it now.....

Mark L. Wahlberg: We're here with Major League Baseball umpire John Hirschbeck. How are you, John?

John Hirschbeck: I'm good, Mark. Little nervous, but good.

Mark: Nervous? Why John? Have something to hide?

John: I guess we're going to find out!

Mark: (laughs) Yes. So John, how long have you been a Major League umpire?

John: I started as an American League umpire in 1984, so this will be my 24th year.

Mark: That's a long time. Do you love your job, John?

John: Yes.

Mark: Wouldn't do anything to jeopardize it?

John: No.

Mark: First question: Have you ever during your umpiring career bet on a game you were working?

(Camera zooms on on Hirschbeck's face while dramatic music plays. Camera then pans to Hirschbeck's friends and family and finally back to Hirschbeck who leans into the microphone)

John: No.

Mark: We'll see.

(More music plays and camera focuses on Hirschbeck's face.)

Voice From The Heavens: That answer is........TRUE.

Mark: Congratulations, John! You made it past the first question. Are you ready for the second question? They're not going to get any easier.

John: I'm ready!

Mark: Okay. So, John. Do you like children?

John: Sure.

Mark: Wouldn't ever harm one?

John: I wouldn't think so, no.

Mark: Next question: John Hirschbeck, have you ever eaten a baby?

(Music starts playing again, camera zooms in on Hirschbeck's face, then pans to his friends and family, then pans to a small baby in the crowd who's paralyzed by fear.)

(25 minutes later)

John: Yes!! Yes, I admit it! I eat babies!!!

(Music starts playing again as Hirschbeck breaks down in tears)

Voice From The Heavens: That answer is......

(Another 15 minutes pass)

Voice From The Heavens:.....TRUE.

(Collective gasp)

Selig's cronies then come on stage and beat Hirschbeck with baseball bats before dragging his bloody, lifeless corps off the stage.


Foul Balls

Affordable Housing In Arizona - Still thinking of making the trip to Glendale for Super Bowl XLII? Looking for a place to stay? Well, thanks to Craig's List it looks like I have the place for you.

From SportsbyBrooks we learn of this opportunity.

The Craigslist ad - written IN ALL CAPS - offers a 3-bedroom home for rent from Friday through Monday, with all meals and transportation to the Big Game provided. If that’s not tempting enough, how about they throw in a couple of strippers?

As taken verbatim from the ad:

“AS AN ADDED BONUS WE HAPPEN TO BE FRIENDS WITH A FEW VERY ATTRACTIVE STRIPPERS, WHO WOULD BE WILLING TO STOP BY AND TAKE CARE OF SOME OF YOUR ENTERTAINMENT NEEDS!!!!!!!!!“

As if all that weren't enough, the couple who own the house also go out of their way to let you know that they "really need the money" and would be willing to "bend over backwards" to make sure that you have a great Super Bowl trip. If you're lucky, their "friends might be willing to do the same."

Mike Vick's Pit Bulls Are Going To Be Stars - I fully admit that I watch a lot of crappy reality television. It's not something that I'm particularly proud of, but in my defense, with lazy writers like Panger on strike right now, there isn't much else on television at the moment. I mean, I have to watch something. I sure as hell ain't going outside to socialize with other people.

With reality television continuing to grow, it seems everybody is getting their own show, even some of Mike Vick's former pit bulls.

Pit bulls that once belonged to Michael Vick will be featured in a reality show this summer about an animal sanctuary.

According to the Atlanta Journal-Constitution, 22 of Vick’s dogs are now at Dogtown. The National Geographic Channel began a series about Dogtown, an animal sanctuary in Utah, in January.

In an episode airing this summer will focus on four of the toughest cases and the staff’s efforts to resocialize the aggressive pit bulls, according to the National Geographic Channel.

Yes, and each week the pit bulls will vote off one member, who will then be drowned or electrocuted.

Larry Johnson Thinks You Should Be Slangin' Rock - Chris Mottram of Mr. Irrelevant and The Sporting Blog is in Arizona this week keeping tabs on all the boring crap that happens between the conference championships and the Super Bowl, and he got some very good advice yesterday from the Kansas City Chiefs Larry Johnson.

After seeing Johnson's watch, Chris just had to ask him about it, and it resulted in the following exchange.

ME: Seriously, man, how much was that watch?
LJ: About 300?
ME: Dollars?
LJ: Thousand. They only made three of them in the world.
ME: $300,000? I’d have to spend 10 years worth of pay to buy that.
LJ: Or you could deal crack and get it in three weeks.

If only my parents had taught me so well, then I could be shining.