High Five

A quick look around the interweb while waiting to hear from Mariotti's lawyer

1. Mike Vick is ready to turn his life around. [With Leather]
2. Allen Iverson is your newest nappy-headed ho. [The Fanhouse]
   
3. Clyde Drexler is happy to be off Dancing With The Stars. [We Are The Postmen]
4. Where the hell did all those Warriors fans come from? I say who cares. Just show me more Jessica Alba! [Larry Brown Sports]
5. The latest installment of The Blog Show. [Mr. Irrelevant]
   

New Shirt Alert

In Chicago we've finally reached that point of the year when the sun actually comes out and warms us all. So it's time to shed all those sweaters and sweatshirts from the winter, and bust out the summer wear.

But you don't want to walk around the streets of Chicago wearing the same old t-shirts. You need something new, that lets everybody know how you feel.

With that in mind I introduce you to the newest entry to our Foul Balls shop.

The Muck Fariotti tee.


The shirt is $14.40 (plus S+H) and is perfect for any Chicago sports fan. Wear it to a White Sox game and I guarantee somebody will buy you a beer. So really, if you go to enough games this shirt will pay for itself.

We've also got a design in black with white print, and then there's the white ringer tee with black trim. The ringer is more expensive at $21.40, but it's oh so fashionable.

Today At The Fanhouse

Learn all about baseball.

• Welcome to The Bullpen, Mr. Weaver-Weaver lasted only a third of an inning against the Royals after giving up 6 runs in the first inning. Weaver is now 0-4 with an 18.26 ERA in four starts. In those four starts, he's only made it past the third inning once, and batters are hitting .492 against him. .492!! The biggest clue about Weaver's future came from his manager Mike Hargrove. Hargrove has said that Felix Hernandez is penciled in to start this Friday. Well, this Friday was supposed to be Weaver's next start.
• Brian Anderson Gets His Wish-The fact is that the White Sox could absorb Anderson's lack of offense last season because they scored enough runs, and his defense was superb. It's not the same story this season. Even before Jim Thome was placed on the disabled list, the White Sox have been struggling to score runs. Now that Thome is out, it's become even more obvious.
• The Indians Have Beef-Now while teams rarely win their protests, Olney goes onto point out that the Indians probably should win this one. If not it sets a dangerous precedent for umpires who make mistakes calling a game in the future. What happens if an umpire sees a replay between innings of a home run he ruled foul, and then comes back out and says it was fair and awards that team with three runs? Mass hysteria. That's what.

Bruce Willis Likes Beer, Swearing, and Random White Guys

Bruce Willis was at the Nets game yesterday.



(via Deadspin)

Meet The Bears Draft Picks

The draft is a hell of a lot more boring when you have to wait around 6 hours before the Bears finally get to pick.

As far as my thoughts on this draft, to be honest I don't have many. I'm very happy with the Greg Olsen pick in the first round because I don't ever remember the Bears having a tight end before. Especially a tight end with the skill that Olsen has.

Other than that, I was kind of upset that we traded the 37th pick. There were a couple of wide receivers I wouldn't have minded seeing the Bears take. Particularly Dwayne Jarrett, because Muhsin Muhammad will not be getting any younger this season, and Jarrett could have been a valuable replacement there.

As for the rest of the draft, I'm sure I'm alot like you when I read the names and think, "Who?" That's just the way Jerry Angelo drafts. You never know who the hell you're getting, but they always turn out pretty well.

With that in mind, I did some research on the newest Bears and came up with some info on each to help us all get to know them.

1. Greg Olsen - TE - Miami - 6'6 254lbs - Greg is from New Jersey and runs really fast. He can also catch, so if Rex Grossman can actually see him wide open down the middle of the field, he might become a huge weapon for the Bears. He's not much of a blocker at the moment, but those things can be taught. FUN FACT: During the famed Miami/FIU brawl last season, Olsen was able to club three FIU players with his helmet all while getting the phone number of that hot Cuban chick in the third row.
2. Dan Bazuin - DE - Central Michigan - 6'3 266lbs - Bazuin is one of those leaner defensive end that the Bears covet so much for their scheme. He's the CMU all-time leader in tackles for loss (60) and sacks (33). FUN FACT: Bazuin hails from McBain, Michigan, but he's not the most famous person from the town. Rainier Wolfcastle, who plays McBain in the series of crime drama films, also hails from McBain which was called Covington before Wolfcastle bought the town with a royalty check and renamed it.
3. Garrett Wolfe - RB - Northern Illinois - 5'7 186 lbs - Wolfe is a local boy from Chicago, and played just a stones throw away in DeKalb. Not only was Wolfe a dynamic running back for the Huskies, he also caught passes and returned punts and kicks. FUN FACT: On windy days Wolfe can literally hold his arms out and glide through the air. He'll look to use this tactic at Soldier Field to keep from being crushed by giant men.
4. Michael Okwo - LB - Stanford-5'11 232 lbs - Okwo is actually a very underrated player. Since he played for Stanford, nobody knows who he is, but he was highly touted coming out of high school and didn't disappoint in Palo Alto. Could end up being Lance Briggs' replacement. FUN FACT: Makes a mean Creme Brulee.
5. Josh Beekman - G/C - Boston College - 6'2 313lbs - Beekman was one of the best lineman the Eagles have had in recent years. Here's hoping he was better than the last lineman the Bears took from BC, Marc Columbo. FUN FACT: During last year's spring practice Beekman bench pressed Doug Flutie 225 times, and then threw him 50 yards.
6. Kevin Payne - S - Louisiana Monroe - 6'0 220lbs - Payne went to a small school, but was regarded by NFL scouts as one of the best athletes in the country. The Bears have had a lot of success with defensive backs from the small schools in the Louisiana area, and look to continue that trend with Payne. And let's remember, Payne is a great name for a safety. FUN FACT: Former President of the Britney Spears Fan Club, but resigned after Britney got fat, drunk and bald.
7. Corey Graham - CB - New Hampshire - 6'0 195lbs - Another DB from a small school. Graham is a playmaker, something that carries through any level of play. Also can return kicks. FUN FACT: Once ate two gallons of New England Clam Chowder in a single sitting on a bet.
8. Trumaine McBride - CB - Ole Miss - 5'9 185lbs - Doesn't have great hands but has very good technique and breaks up a lot of passes. Was the teams "shutdown corner." FUN FACT: During his freshman year he intercepted Eli Manning 4 times in one practice and then had his way with Manning's girlfriend.
9. Aaron Brant - OT - Iowa State - 6'7 319lbs - Considered the Cyclones best lineman, and started last season as the 13th best tackle in college football, according to The Sporting News. FUN FACT: Has a cat named Nibbles which he dresses up in all the latest in cat fashion while putting on shows in the locker room for all his teammates.

The Bears also signed undrafted free agents Chris Leak and Darius Walker. Leak won a National Championship with Florida, and will now once again follows in Rex Grossman's footsteps.

As for Darius Walker, I'm sure he's not regretting that decision to leave Notre Dame early now.

Morning Wood - Sox Go Down Again

Los Angeles Angels 5 Chicago White Sox 2

The Angels took 2 of 3 from the White Sox over the weekend after coming into the series with a 1-7 record on the road. Darin Erstad gave the Sox a 2-0 lead early, but Maicer Izturis and Vlad Guerrero quickly tied the game with back to back homers the next inning, and that was that for the White Sox. You would think that even without Jim Thome in the lineup, the Sox still have plenty of offense, but right now you'd be wrong. "The hardest thing in baseball is to pitch and pitch well," Ozzie Guillen said. "And we're wasting good pitching. Those guys are going out and pitching well and we're not helping them. The hitters know. They're frustrated."

Detroit Tigers 4 Minnesota Twins 3

Brandon Inge may have entered the game with a .122 batting average, but it didn't stop him from hitting a walk-off home run to start the ninth inning. Do the Tigers win any games in which they don't hit a ninth inning home run? It really feels like that's just how they win. The Twins have now lost three straight games in which Johan Santana starts, so obviously it's time to trade him.

Boston Red Sox 7 New York Yankees 4

Well, well, well. The Red Sox have now taken five of six against the Yankees this year, and the Bombers sit at 9-14 in the basement of the AL East. Still, all the talk about Joe Torre on the hot seat is idiotic. Yeah, it's Torre's fault that he's got three rookies in his starting rotation right now. Besides, I'm pretty sure George Steinbrenner is too busy dying right now to find the time to fire Joe Torre.

Elsewhere...

AL

• Indians 6 Orioles 1
• Blue Jays 7 Rangers 3
• DRays 5 A's 3
• Mariners 5 Royals 1

NL

• Mets 1 Nationals 0
• Phillies 6 Marlins 1
• Reds 9 Pirates 5
• Brewers 3 Astros 1
• Rockies 9 Braves 7
• Dodgers 5 Padres 4
• DBacks 5 Giants 4
  

The Basketball Diaries - Youth Is Served

Chicago Bulls 92 Miami Heat 79

You know, to be honest I'm actually kind of pissed the Bulls won on Sunday. I would have much rather they lost and extended the series for a couple more days. Now they're going to have a week off before starting their series with Detroit, and the way they're playing right now, the last thing they need is an extended break. I know Detroit has a week off as well, but they weren't playing as sharp as the Bulls against an easier opponent in Orlando. I get a feeling like the Pistons are gonna whip the Bulls in Game 1 by like 20 because of it.

Golden State Warriors 103 Dallas Mavericks 99

I was actually more excited about this win for the Warriors than I was with the Bulls yesterday. I knew the Bulls were going to get rid of Miami, it was only a question of when. This? This is more surprising. Dallas cannot stop Baron Davis, and Dirk is scared. I knew this game was over when Davis hit that half court shot to tie the game up as the first half ended. Dallas had played as well as they could at that point, and they could still only manage a tie score at the half. I think Dallas will take Game 5, but the Warriors will shock the world in Game 6.

Phoenix Suns 113 Los Angeles Lakers 100

Just look at these two stat lines. Steve Nash: 17 points, 23 assists. Amare Stoudemire: 27 points, 21 rebounds. I'm not sure which one is more impressive. To go 20 and 20 in a playoff game is huge, but 23 assists? The only two names posting 23 assists in a playoff game are Magic Johnson and John Stockton. I think it's pretty obvious who the MVP is.

New Jersey Nets 102 Toronto Raptors 81

It's been a nice season for the Raptors, but it's over now. Much like Dallas, they'll take Game 5 back in Canada, but they won't beat the Nets in Game 6. The Nets are finally playing like the Nets everyone expected all season before injuries knocked them on their ass. They still don't have Krstic, but now that Richard Jefferson is healthy this team is a lot better than their regular season record indicates.

Barbaro Hates Hockey

There's a special circle of hell awaiting the blaspheming Sabres and Rangers.

High Five

A brief look around the interweb while contemplating that the Miami Heat logo looks disturbingly like an infected testicle

1. Maybe Lance Briggs is gonna be in a Bears uniform after all. [Chicago Tribune]
2. Randy Moss to the Patriots? Huh? [AOL Fanhouse]
3. Yardbarker member Chris Henry got the call from the Tennessee Titans yesterday. [yardbarker.com]
4. The real reason Brady Quinn was bummed: That drop in draft status cost him $17M. [MSNBC]
5. I don't know what's worse: that she acted like this or uploaded it on youtube. [We Are the Postman]

Chicago Bulls Sweep

Fifteen years ago to the day, the Bulls swept a series over the Miami Heat, led by Michael Jordan and his 56 points.

Today's sweep was pure team effort, as the Bulls wore down the Miami Heat 92-79 and sent the defending champions home with their tails between their legs.

The Bulls beome the first team to oust a defending champion in the opening playoff series since Phoenix did it to San Antonio in 2000.

Ben Gordon scored 24 points, Luol Deng had 22 points and 11 rebounds, Andres Nocioni added 11 points. Then there was Ben Wallace. Big Ben finished with 13 points and 11 rebounds but that wasn't the whole story. Tired of the "Hack a Ben" strategy, he countered by shooting 7 for 8 from the free throw line. No, that is not a typo. And to think, he did it without a headband.

Compare that to Shaq O'Neal who went 0-7 from the line and there's your game.

Dwayne Wade played his heart out scoring 24, making 10 assists and getting 5 rebounds. And James Posey had a spectacular 18 rebounds. But they just couldn't hold up against the speed, agility and swagger of this young Bulls team.

More on this game tomorrow from Fornelli. I have to go watch the Suns/Kobe game.

And You Read Playboy For the Articles

Of course you love watching NASCAR because it's a punishing sport, which requires the utmost in physical and mental endurance by the drivers.

And this ain't bad, either.

Women Have Skillz

Two Russian test pilots - one woman - have their way with the sky.

I know, guys, it'd be better video if she had Top Gunned it topless. Just use your imagination.

Fasten Your Seat Belts, This Could Be a Bumpy MLB 2007

The Black Sox fix of 1919 may not end up being the worst scandal in the history of Major League baseball.

The exact words contained in Friday's plea agreement by former batboy/steroid pusher Kirk Radomski sound truly ominous:

Beginning in approximately 1995 and continuing through December 14, 2005 when a search warrant was executed at my residence, I distributed anabolic steroids and other perfomance-enhancing drugs, including Human Growth Hormone and Clenbuterol, as well as apmphetamines, to dozens of current and former Major League Baseball players (on teams spread throughout Major League Baseball) and associates.

It's only a matter of time before the names are leaked to the media.

I predict a lot of sleepness nights for some MLB players. Not to mention fantasy owners with power hitters.

Josh Hancock Killed in Auto Accident

Cardinals relief pitcher Josh Hancock, 29, was killed when he crashed into the rear of a tow truck that was parked in the far left lane of Highway 40 in St. Louis early this morning.

Hancock, was a member of the Cardinals since February of 2006 and helped the team to its 10th World Series title last Fall.

Tonight's game with the Chicago Cubs has been postponed.

The Basketball Diaries - Spurs, Over the Hill? Not Hardly

San Antonio Spurs 96 Denver Nuggets 91

Folks saying the Spurs are getting too old to compete in this young man's game. Well, don't hand 'em their AARP cards just yet. Led by Michael Finley's three-point scoring spree, the Spurs pulled ahead with two minutes left in the third quarter and never looked back. "It's however you all want to spin it," Coach Gregg Popovich said. "When we lose, we're older than dirt. When we win, we're really experienced, executing fools. So, write it any way you want it." His opinion? "[We're] a little bit of both, probably. Yeah, a little bit of both."

Detroit Pistons 97 Orlando Magic 93

I dunno, Detroit, that was needlessly cruel, giving Orlando false hope like that. In the end, though, the Bad Boys 2007 edition - led by Chauncey Billlups with 25 (10 for 10 from the line) and Richard Hamilton with 19 - got the job done to sweep the first round series. A sad footnote: after the game, Grant Hill announced he's probably retiring. A player who, had it not been for injuries, might have been one of the greatest.

Utah Jazz 98 Houston Rockets 85

Thanks to Deron Williams' 25 points, Mehmut Okur's 16, and a punishing defense that forced 16 turnovers by Houston, the Jazz have made this a 3-game series, tying it up at 2-2. Houston's Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady had their lowest point totals of the series, 20 and 18 respectively. "They're doing a great job of putting the pressure on us," McGrady said. "They're playing harder than us." "Us," Tracy? I thought the outcome of this series was on you.

Cleveland 98 Washington 92

I was on a treadmill looking for something, anything to take the sound of Chris Berman's voice from my head, so I switched to this game. But it was halftime and Cleveland was up 61-44, so I returned to the sizzling, action-packed draft. A bit later, I switched back to check in, and Washington had tied it up. Huh? Of course, the second I started paying attention, the Cavs pulled away again. That's cuz I'm basketball anti-matter. In fact, someone should pay me not to watch the Bulls game today.

Morning Wood - He's Baaaaaack

Chicago Cubs 8 St. Louis Cardinals 1

Carlos Zambrono entered this game tied for first in the NL in walks with 19. Seven innings later, he left with 19. That's right, Carlos pitched zero walks and gave up just a solo home run by Albert Pujols for a game that should ease Cubbie fans' fears about their ace starter. "As soon as I came in, I talked to [Angel Guzman] and said, 'It's okay that Pujols hit a home run,'" Zambrano said. "I'm happy because I didn't walk anybody. That's the key of the game. When you're ahead in the count every time, you'll have success in the game." The offensive highlight: a bases-loaded triple by Jacques Jones' to put the Cubs ahead 7-0. The Cubs have won three straight now, two courtesy of the Cards. Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks mocking your arch nemesis on the eve of a three-game series is a good idea. Cards manager Tony La Russa was so angry with the "cheap shots" directed at the Cubs, he refused to talk to the offending St. Louis reporters. No doubt cuz he cares about our feelings. Don't worry, St. Louis, just keep those cheap shots coming.

Los Angeles Angels 3 White Sox 0

Morning No Wood for the White Sox. Jon Garland was on his own yesterday, partly because Angels' starter Jared Weaver finally found his rhythm and silenced Chicago bats. Weaver gave up just six hits, no walks and escaped a fourth inning jam, getting Alex Cintron to pop out with the bases loaded. With the iffy Sox hitting, Garland is feeling the pressure. "In the back of your head you know you might only get a couple of runs that game," said Garland. "For me, I have been giving up early runs and it's kind of put me in a little rut here. I'm making it even tougher on my team instead of going out and putting up early zeros and giving us a chance to jump out to a lead. I haven't been able to do that." Oh yeah, and Angels relief pitcher Francisco Rodriguez got the save, looking up to the heavens after his final pitch, no doubt thanking Jesus for a little gift from the home plate umpire which left Joe Crede stranded on base and Erstad on deck. I'll admit, complaining about a third strike call with two outs in the ninth inning when you're down 3-0 is a bit petulant but remember the Yankees just last week? The players are supposed to determine the outcome, not a blind ump. There, I'm through whining.

Elsewhere...

AL

• Minnesota 11 Detroit 3
• Texas 9 Toronto 8
• New York 3 Boston 1
• Oakland 12 Tampa Bay 5
• Baltimore 7 Cleveland 4
• Kansas City 8 Seattle 3

NL

• New York 6 Washington 2
• Florida 11 Philadelphia 5
• Cincinnati 8 Pittsburgh 1
• Atlanta 6 Colorado 2
• San Diego 3 Los Angeles 2

High Five

A brief jog around the internet while daydreaming about Brady Quinn in blue and orange a Speedo

1. Finally, the real reason for Kerry Wood's injuries: he fights crime by night. [The Dugout]
2. Joe Torre may be out of a job soon. [MSNBC]
3. Part 3 of TSF's interview with Page Two's Jemele Hill. [The Starting Five]
4. The IRS agent who's busting balls - and maybe more players - in the steroid cases. [Steroid Nation]
5. Some perspective for Brady Quinn from Reggie Bush. [youtube.com]

The Quest for Brady Quinn's Pride

There he was, front row center with his proud family, dressed to the nines, all smiles, waiting for his coronation.

Then, in a single moment, Brady Quinn went from The Chosen One to the kid who gets picked last in dodge ball.

In an inexplicable decision, the Miami Dolphins took their ninth round pick and used it, not to take Quinn, but OSU wide receiver Tedd Ginn, Jr.

Quinn sat stoicly in front of the cameras, but he was clearly suffering, twisting in the wind. It was so uncomfortable, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell finally invited Quinn and his family into a private suite to shield him from the media.

For awhile, Mel Kiper, Jr. railed about the absurdity of Miami's decision.

Then the commentator fangs came out and suddenly, every other sentence contained the name "Brady Quinn."

Kornheiser was seemingly upset for the guy but you could see he was secretly like a member of the chess club who finally got a free shot at the quarterback, chirping that to witness Quinn sitting there unchosen was like "watching a train wreck."

ESPN put up fan polls to gauge just how low Quinn would go. (Because everyone knows the place to go for draft predictions are half-drunk, Irish-hating couch potatoes.)

Sean Salisbury declared that Quinn has made repeated mistakes when it matters and "is solid but not special." (Unlike Sean, Junior, no doubt.)

And in my favorite moment, Michael Smith reported, I swear to God, that scouts don't like Brady Quinn's name.

Hey, guys? Never, ever make fun of us women again for vacuous chatter.

Who knows where he'll go. At this point, The Snub is all anyone's gonna be reporting on tomorrow.

It'll be up to Quinn to see what they'll be reporting on in five years.

News Flash: Mel Kiper, Jr. Is Almost Ready to Go on Vacation

Let the games begin. If you want to stay current on draft choices, Deadspin is doing brilliant live play-by-play.

Two straight days of Chris Berman. It's time to start drinking.

Barry Bonds, Do You Hear Footsteps?

What MLB can't or won't do, apparently the Feds are going to try to do.

It's no coincidence that, as Barry Bonds edges closer to breaking Hank Aaron's home run record, this was announced yesterday:

A former employee of the New York Mets admitted to distributing a variety of performance-enhancing drugs, including anabolic steroids and human growth hormone, to dozens of Major League Baseball players over a 10-year period beginning in 1995, according to a felony plea agreement filed in federal court Friday.

Kirk J. Radomski, who worked for the Mets from 1985 to '95, agreed to provide information to the group led by former senator George Mitchell that is investigating drug use in Major League Baseball as part of the plea deal accepted at the U.S. District Court in the Northern District of California by Judge Susan Illston.

No players have been identified yet but the warrant clearly has players' names listed, temporarily blacked out.

But how long until they're leaked? I'm betting just after Bonds hits a couple more HRs.

Meanwhile, Bud Selig sits in some owner's box, fiddling while Rome burns.

Curse? What Curse?

Yesterday, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch tried its hand at poetry, reconfiguring the famous Franklin Pierce Adams ode about the 1910 Cubs into a smart-ass 2007 version :

These are the cruelest of echoing words:
No Tinker. No Evers. No chance.
Spend all they can, Cubs still chasing the 'Birds.
Since Tinker and Evers and Chance.
A goat and his curse; a scapegoat and his error,
Black cat greets Santo, raising defeatist fans' hair.
Ernie Banks — one of the greats who never got there.
No Tinker. No Evers. No chance.
Sweet Lou brings his brash to friendly confines.
He once won as much as Frank Chance.
Cubs renewed hopes flourish when Soriano signs.
They tinker, forever, for a chance.
When other clubs reversed curses, Cubs knew they should,
But roster was flimsy, built on Prior and Wood.
Up comes the hymn: 'Wait 'til next year. Then we'll be good.'
No Tinker. No Evers. No chance.

Cubs manager Lou Piniella proved he's the master of free verse with his response:

''I think it's funny, but I don't buy into that junk."

Have fun writing ditties, St. Louis. We'll settle for poetic justice.

Morning Wood - Thome Headed to 14-Day DL?

There's been no formal announcement yet but it's pretty certain White Sox power hitter Jim Thome is going to be on the bench for the next couple weeks.

Thome, who missed two games this week with a bruised rib, thought he was ready to return to the lineup last night.

It just took one swing for his body to tell him it had other plans.

Sox manager Ozzie Guillen said he's delaying the decision:

"I always worry about that injury more than any other. That part of the body is sensitive when you swing. We're going to wait for a day or two to see what decision we make. We won't call up somebody to play two innings. Everybody has got to step it up a notch."

Darin Erstad took the challenge in last night's win over the Los Angeles Angels, 7-3, driving in the winning run in his first game against his old teammates.

And Jermaine Dye, coming back from injury, notched two homers to help starter Jose Contreras, who made it through 6 1/3 innings, allowing seven hits and just three walks, and leaving with a 4-3 lead.

The Basketball Diaries - Baby Bulls No More

Chicago 104 Miami 96

How bad did the Bulls want it? Ben Gordon, 27 points. Luol Deng, 24 points and 11 rebounds. Kirk Hinrich, 22 points, 6 assists. Andres Nocioni, 10 points, 8 rebounds. Ben Wallace, 8 defensive rebounds and, more important, deep in Shaq's head. Chris Duhon, 6 rebounds, 4 assists and one inbound save that took him into the third row. An energy so intense, a game so swift and, ultimately, focused, that the Heat were left in a sweaty disheveled heap, helpless as Chicago racked up a 15-2 fourth-quarter run. How bad did the Heat want it? Shaquille O'Neal, dazed and confused, 3 for 12 from the foul line. And, shockingly, Dwayne Wade, who actually looked strong with 28 points, missed when it mattered, 4 for 10 from the line. As the game drew to a close, it felt more like watching a fight for pack supremacy on The Nature Channel. The old lion, pack leader, had moments of greatness but in the end, the once-mighty beast lies near death. The final blow could come as early as this Sunday. No team has ever lost a series that went 3-0. (I just hate stats like that.)

Golden State 109 Dallas 91

Don Nelson looks like a toner cartridge salesman who just pulled an all-nighter at a Holiday Inn piano bar. And Baron Davis looks like he's auditioning for lead singer in a Commodores cover band. But the two of them? Classic tricksters in the tradition of Nasrudin, Loki, Bugs Bunny, Minnesota Fats. "No, we can't win this. We're just gonna have fun out there." Hey, Dirk, Avery? Check your pockets. Your wallets are missing. And by the way, Nowitski for MVP: a fading discussion.

New Jersey 102 Toronto 89

Speaking of bullshit artists, how's that injury, Jason? Kidd, who claimed he might not even play because of a bruised knee, made a recovery that could earn him an appearance on The 700 Club, with a playoff career-high 19 assists in his 10th postseason triple-double. Vince Carter had a nice night too with 37 points, giving the Nets 2-1 lead over the Raptors in their Eastern Conference first-round series.

High Five

A quick look around the interweb while calling my female physician for a checkup

1. They just do things differently down in Texas. [Deadspin]
2. Bill Simmons has a posse, and they're watching you. [SportsCentral]
3. Who the hell are the Chicago Sky? [With Leather]
4. If you want to succeed in the NFL, you need Will Ferrell. [Ballhype]
5. Curt Schilling is not a big fan of the media. [38 Pitches]
   

Penn State Players In Trouble

You may remember earlier this month when I told you about those Penn State football players who crashed a party and then started roughing people up. Well, I told you then that I would keep track of this story, and then after forgetting all about it, I now keep my word to you. The Foul Balls reader.

Charges have been filed against some of the players involved in the fight.

Six Penn State football players, including stars Anthony Scirrotto (pictured) and Justin King, turned themselves in to police on Friday to face charges following an off-campus apartment fight.

Scirrotto and Christopher Baker face the most serious counts, including burglary, felony trespassing, harassment and simple assault. King and three other players face charges of criminal trespassing, harassment and disorderly conduct.

So there's some good news for Penn State fans, because at least Justin King is only going to get a slap on the wrist. But I don't believe Anthony Scirrotto (a fine Irish name) will be playing for Joe Paterno next season.

Or, as my fellow Fanhouser and brains behind the mgoblog (which is a great blog, even if it is pro-Michigan), Brian Cook puts it,

This isn't as bad as Penn State fans feared it might have been. Harassment and disorderly conduct are probably stairs-running offenses; only Scirrotto and Baker appear to be in serious trouble. But in trouble those two are, charged with multiple felonies they were totally smart enough to commit in front of dozens of witnesses. They have to be gone, especially Scirrotto, who started the whole thing after a street confrontation with a female "friend." A few phone calls later he had assembled the Jets and gone looking for a tragic but strangely musical knife fight, endangering the careers of everyone dumb enough to turn up. Enjoy I-AA.

I would have paid to see that.

Today At The Fanhouse

I wonder if anybody else has noticed the fact that since I'm not allowed to cuss over at AOL, I've started doing it a lot more over here. Sorry for spoiling your virgin eyes.

• Mark Buehrle Might Stay In Chicago-After he admitted this spring that he had rejected a 3-year $30 million offer from the White Sox, virtually everybody became convinced that this would be Mark Buehrle's last on the south side of Chicago. Well it's amazing what throwing a no-hitter and being reminded how much a city loves you can do to a guy, because now Buehrle is softening his stance.
• Torii Hunter Wanted To Charge The Mound-Now I don't condone violence, I just enjoy watching it. So I'm happy that Torii didn't charge the mound, but at the same time I do love seeing an old fashioned basebrawl, and I'm not the only one. I'm also pretty sure another contributing factor in Hunter's decision was the fact he just got hit in the face by a fastball. It's pretty hard to charge the mound when you see eight of them.
• Bartolo Colon Is Dealing-Whenever you have a pitcher that has experienced his share of injuries it's best not to get too excited. Still, the way Bartolo Colon has thrown in his first two starts this season gives the Angels something to be excited about. Colon shut down the Devil Rays on Thursday with seven innings of four hit ball. He also struck out 11 Devil Rays in the process, with the only setback being a two-run homer by Carlos Pena in the fourth inning.

MJ Will Be Tearing Up Kams This Fall

First, it was Fornelli who tore up the town of Champaign, Illinois. Now, another legend prepares to invade the town.

Michael Jordan.

Michael Jordan's son, Jeff, is expected to announce he will attend Illinois as a preferred walk-on and enroll for the summer session that begins June 11, a university source said Thursday.

According to the source, "Jeff Jordan has applied and was accepted. All indications are that he will enroll for the summer session. We're expecting he will make the announcement very soon."

As of now, Jeff Jordan has not yet received any text messages from Kelvin Sampson, so it's likely he'll stay in Champaign too.

Jeff had scholarship offers from Valpo and Loyola, along with some interest from Northwestern and Illinois State, but it's not like his daddy can't pay for his college.

Besides, you know when weighing the options, MJ reminded his son that there will be a lot more girls in Champaign than any of those other schools, and daddy needs to do something when he's in town.

Enjoy my leftovers, bitch.

Breaking News: Men Prefer Women

Sports are generally a man's game. Sure, we have women sports, but if a girl shoots a 20-foot jumper and nobody's around to give a shit, does it make a sound?

That's why most coaches and trainers you see on professional sports teams are males.

But that might not be what the players want.

Yeah, they prefer male coaches, because if they wanted a woman to tell them what to do, they'd get married.

However, according to newly released research from the University of Alberta, they prefer female team physicians.

"What we found is that male athletes tend to feel that female team physicians are more caring and sympathetic towards their medical issues and are easier to talk to," said University of Alberta researcher Dr. Marni Wesner. "It appears that it is the stereotypical 'mothering' or nurturing aspect of a female personality that male athletes appreciate."

Other personal attributes of importance to athletes included the team physician's concern for them as people and athletes, as well as being understanding and respectful. Good listening and communication skills from the team physician were also paramount, as was having compassion towards the athlete. Trust, sensitivity and understanding were important, as was having a positive, encouraging and open-minded attitude towards the athlete with a professional approach and a willingness to help.

Is this bastard saying that men aren't understanding and respectful? We don't listen? Are you kidding me?

Just the other day I was listening to a girl talk. And by listening I mean staring directly at her breasts. They were talking too, and I wanted to make sure I heard every single thing they had to say.

I made a couple of friends for life that day.

And not to ruin this little experiment, but there's a reason men want women to be their team doctors. It's got nothing to do with listening skills. It just comes down to a basic principle. Men would rather have women touching their happy parts than men.

We needed an entire scientific study for that?

Morning Wood - Those Last Place Yankees

Toronto Blue Jays 6 New York Yankees 0

I take joy in the fact that the Yankees are currently in last place because I know it won't last too long. Once Mike Mussina comes back, Wang gets going, and Roger Clemens finally makes up his mind, they'll be right back in it. Still, the Blue Jays welcomed Philip Hughes to the Majors by reminding him that this isn't Double-A ball. Hughes gave up 4 runs in 4.1 innings, while AJ Burnett shut the Yankees down for 7 innings. "There's going to be panic soon if the winning doesn't start. We have to stay close," said Johnny Damon. "If we can't start getting victories, I'm sure there's not going to be too many happy people."

San Francisco Giants 5 Los Angeles Dodgers 4

The Giants have now won eight straight games after sweeping their arch-rival in LA. It's the first time the Giants have swept LA in LA since 2002. It was Ray Durham's go-ahead double in the 8th inning that got the job done after Barry Bonds grounded into a double-play. "That's big," manager Bruce Bochy said. "When you get off to a rough start, the important thing is to handle it. We're on a good roll right now with contributions from everybody."

Cleveland Indians 9 Texas Rangers 4

Sammy Sosa homered twice to become the first Major Leaguer to homer in 44 different parks, but it wasn't enough for the Rangers to beat Cleveland. They had their chance in the first inning with the bases loaded and nobody out, but Shin-Soo Choo--which is just as fun to say as it is to read--caught a fly ball and nailed Kenny Lofton at the plate for a double play. Paul Byrd then got out of the jam, something he did a lot of on Thursday.

Elsewhere...

AL

• Twins 1 Royals 0
• Angels 11 DRays 3
• Mariners 4 Athletics 2
• Red Sox 5 Orioles 2

NL

• Pirates 5 Astros 3
• Cardinals 7 Reds 5
• Nationals 4 Phillies 2
• DBacks 7 Padres 4

The Basketball Diaries - Kobe Comes Alive

Los Angeles Lakers 95 Phoenix Suns 89

The Lakers looked like a completely different team at home. After falling behind 11-0 to start the game, L.A. fought its way back over the rest of the first half. It just goes to show how good Kobe is, that he can score 45 points and all anybody wants to talk about is Kwame Brown. Kwame had 19 points and 6 rebounds as he finally came to life in this series. Lamar Odom also chipped in 18 and 16. We just might have a series here.

Utah Jazz 81 Houston Rockets 67

I didn't actually watch this game, and let me say that I'm glad I didn't. The Rockets were the first team in NBA playoff history to go an entire game with only four players scoring. Tracy McGrady had 24, Yao had 26, Shane Battier had 11 and Rafer Alston had 6. That's it. The rest of the team was 0-12. The Rockets only shot 32.8% to mark their third straight game in this series shooting in the 30's, and yet, they're up 2-1.

Detroit Pistons 93 Orlando Magic 77

This series is over. I thought the Magic would get at least one win, but now it's clear the Pistons will sweep. The Magic have already quit; it was evident in the fourth quarter. Down by 11 with a little over 2 minutes left, the Magic were just walking up the court on offense like it was a regular season game. Their season is basically on the line and they can't find enough reason to bust ass. It's done.

High Five

A quick look around the interweb while just realizing I never did a Morning Wood today

1. Tony Stewart says that NASCAR is fixed. [Deadspin]
2. Drunk Playmates, Jose Canseco, and golf. What else do I have to say? [With Leather]
3. That's odd, I don't remember visiting Cincinnati. [We Are The Postmen]
4. Things just keep getting better for Mark Prior. [The Fanhouse]
5. I do love mock draft Thursdays. [Kissing Suzy Kolber]
   

LeBron James Cannot Sing

This video first hit the blogosphere yesterday, but I didn't see it until just now so it's new to me.

If you're like me and countless number of other Americans, you've often wondered, "Man, that LeBron James sure is a good basketball player, but can he sing and dance to the BeeGees?"

The answer is a resounding "No!"

But that didn't stop him from shooting this video for American Idol. No idea what they're using it for there since I'd rather die by kicks to the groin than watch the show, but here it is.

Today At The Fanhouse

Sorry, but I have no arrested baseball players to write about.

• On Deck: Panic Hits The Bronx-The Yankees are in last place and thanks to those 43 injuries Philip Hughes will be making his first start this evening. There's also a question of whether or not Derek Jeter will play after leaving the Yankees loss to the Devil Rays on Tuesday, but he was in the lineup last night before the game was postponed. This also might be the debut of everybody's favorite mustache in a Blue Jays uniform.
• Joel Zumaya Was Thrashing Last Night-Thanks to a Judge's "wise" decision, I'm no longer allowed to follow Joel Zumaya around wherever he goes. What are you gonna do, right? I can't know for sure, but I'm guessing Joel returned to his Chicago hotel room late Wednesday night, busted out the Guitar Hero, and just rocked out for a few hours. He then probably took his fake guitar and smashed it into a billion little pieces.
• What Are The Athletics Doing To Their Players?-I'm not sure if new manager Bob Geren has a habit of starving and beating his minor-leaguers behind closed doors, or whether Sacramento is just that boring of a city, but Athletics players sure are complaining about the team a lot.
• Sammy Sosa Gets Around-Though Sosa will never catch Aaron or Bonds, his first home run today did set a record. By hitting his first career home run in Jacob's Field, Sosa has now homered in more Major League ballparks than any other player in MLB history, forty-four.

Being A Personal Chef Is Dangerous

What's with all the athlete-related crimes today?

Our newest story involves Minnesota Timberwolves guard Ricky Davis.

The friend of a Timberwolves player is in hot water tonight. The strange story starts with a stabbing outside of Ricky Davis's apartment -- when his personal chef gets stabbed with his own kitchen knife.

The stabbing happened at a high-rise luxury apartment building at the corner of 13th and Marquette Avenue, in downtown Minneapolis.

The witness, who asked to remain anonymous, says the victim is 33-year-old Alonge McClaid. Davis recently hired McClaid as his personal chef. The witness says McClaid stumbled out of the elevator and staggered into the lobby, after being stabbed in the abdomen

McClaid’s injury is so severe that he remains still hospitalized at HCMC a day later. Sources close to the investigation tell us one of Davis’s friends inside of the apartment instigated the confrontation. Words escalated first into a fist fight that others in the apartment broke up; then a second scuffled erupted; and finally a third fight, this time with a knife.

Apparently somebody wasn't pleased with their mac and cheese.

McClaid's mother said that her son has already gone through one surgery and is facing the possibility of even more. She also wanted to make it clear that Ricky Davis was not in the apartment when the attack happened, and has absolutely nothing to do with any of it.

Police say they have no idea why the fight started, and they are still looking for the suspect who as of now is patrolling all the McDonalds in Minneapolis just waiting for someone to put a pickle on his Big Mac. Then he'll show them who's boss.



If sports training is an interest of yours, you may also enjoy information about camping training and golf training.

Do Not Let Mike Vick Near Your Dog

Or your daughter, or your weed. Hell, just try and stay away from Mike Vick at all costs. It's probably best for all involved.

The Atlanta Falcons quarterback has gotten himself into some trouble again.

From the esteemed Pet-Abuse.com comes this:

The search warrant was granted by the Surry County Circuit Court. A state task force went to the property searching for a person that they believed may be on the property, but the person was not Vick. Investigators would not reveal the name of the person they were searching for.

While investigators were at the property, they discovered three buildings behind the home that housed several barking dogs.

"When they had a chance to go to the site, they discovered animal neglect," Surry County Administrator Tyrone Franklin.

Franklin said that the dogs appeared to be hungry and forgotten.

And of course, there's only one place that this could go.

Early reports indicate that Vick was allegedly running a dog-fighting and cockfighting operation from the back of the home. The Virginia Animal Fighting Taskforce was on the scene. Authorities report that Vick had been under investigation for several years for illegal animal fighting.

It should be noted that while Vick owns the property, he doesn't actually live there. His nephew does.

Police found 70 dogs on the property, including 60 pit bulls that show wounds generally affiliated with fighting. The reason they were there was because Vick's nephew is apparently under investigation for something to do with drugs. I'm pretty sure the house is also where Mike's brother Marcus brings his prom dates afterwards.

All in all, it's pretty clear that the Vick family is a stalwart of the Virginia populace.

Barry Bonds Is Driving People To Madness

I can understand that a lot of people are upset about the fact that Barry Bonds will soon be passing Hank Aaron as the home run king.

I'm not thrilled about it myself, but to be completely forthright, I don't really care either. The home run record might be a big deal to a lot of baseball fans, but it just doesn't really matter to me. I'm more concerned with what's going on now in White Sox games than who has the most home runs all time.

I'm in the minority on this.

A [Georgia] Avenue couple were frightened when an apparently disgruntled and intoxicated sports fan broke into their home early Wednesday morning. They hid from him until police came after he threatened to kill them, using profanity, according to incident reports. Statesboro (Ga.) police said officers responded to the couple's call for help around 12:30 a.m. Wednesday morning, and found William Benjamin Smith, 21, also of a Greenwood Avenue address, "inside the residence in the kitchen in an apparent intoxicated state."

According to police incident reports, Smith was yelling and said "Barry Bonds doesn't deserve to be the Home Run King."

Of course he has three names! How could he not?

Poor, poor William Benjamin Smith. Can I call you Billy Benjamin?

I'm going to anyway.

Poor, poor Billy Benjamin. I understand that Barry Bonds hitting home runs is going to lead to breaking into houses now and then and threatening to kill people, but to do it drunk?

C'mon, Billy Benjamin. You're better than that!

(via Deadspin)

The Basketball Diaries - A Return to Normalcy

Dallas Mavericks 112 Golden State Warriors 99

I'll admit I was a little disappointed about this. Yeah, I've had the Mavs going to the Finals all season, but it would be pretty awesome to see them get knocked out of the first round. For a while on Wednesday night it seemed possible cuz the Warriors picked up right where they left off in Game 1. Unfortunately, Dallas was able to recover this time, and then the Warriors fell apart. Baron Davis had to be a smug jackass and mock the officials by clapping, so he got his second tech, and was ejected. Then Stephen Jackson had to show his thugging credentials, and he got tossed, and acted like a jackass just long enough before leaving that he'll probably be suspended for Game 3.

San Antonio Spurs 97 Denver Nuggets 88

Allen Iverson got really hot late in this game to pull the Nuggets within 3, but it was all those shots he missed for the first 40 minutes that killed Denver. It's why I just don't think Denver can win this series. Iverson and Melo aren't going to be able to score 60-70 points a game against the Spurs defense. It just won't happen, and it didn't happen last night, and you see the results.

Cleveland Cavaliers 109 Washington Wizards 102

See, this is why the Cavs don't scare me very much. They've got a Wizards team that flat out sucks right now without Gilbert and Caron, yet the Cavs can only manage a seven point win at home. They should win this game by 20, but they always seem to play down to their opponents, and it's going to catch up to them at some point. They may get to the Eastern Conference Finals, but I don't see them getting past Detroit, Chicago, or Miami. Yes, the Heat are still alive.

High Five

A quick look around the interweb while questioning whether Dwyane Wade was actually faking his injury

1. Here's a tip. If I'm included in your post, I will link it. I just like me that much. [Mr. Irrelevant]
2. The 10 worst draft picks, by draft position, in NFL history. [Rumors and Rants]
3. Incest is best in Iowa. [Steroid Nation]
4. I was wondering how I got a pitcher on my team named Chien Ming-#### [Deadspin]
5. Someone should let Larry Bird know that Rick Carlisle didn't trade away Al Harrington and Stephen Jackson for two white guys. [ESPN]
   

Ozzie Does Not Care About Brian Anderson's Problems

Brian Anderson got only his third start of the season last night and went 1-for-4 with two strikeouts and a run scored. He also misplayed a fly ball in the first inning that resulted in a two-run triple for Ross Gload.

It wasn't exactly the type of performance that Ozzie Guillen wants to see from him, even though he's somewhat sympathetic to Anderson's lack of playing time.

''That's his job,'' Guillen said. ''Everybody has a job in the big-league level. Everyone has a job in baseball, and unfortunately that's the job for him this year.

''I expect him to get good at-bats, like everybody else does. I'm trying to find a better situation for him right now, but it's still early in the season.''

'Early in the season, it's hard to get him playing time. I try to put him in against righties just because I know how hard it is to go 10 days without playing and then all of a sudden try to perform.''

The real question, whether Anderson cares or not, is whether he's going to remain with the White Sox. It's not an easy question to answer, and a lot depends on the status of Scott Podsednik.

When Pods does return, Ozzie will have a decision to make. Does he send Boone Logan back to Charlotte, or does he drop Anderson?

Personally, I'd rather keep Logan. Matt Thornton has not looked like the Matt Thornton we saw last year, as he already has three blown saves to go with his 8.44 ERA. Logan on the other hand has looked pretty good in very limited time so far, so he could be a pivotal part of the pen should Thornton continue to struggle.

Even without Pods the Sox already have Rob Mackowiak and Pablo Ozuna to take Anderson's place. If Darin Erstad remains healthy, Anderson becomes a lot less necessary to have. The problem is, if the Sox want to keep Erstad healthy, they're going to have to give him days off. When they do, I don't want to see Mackowiak in centerfield any more than you.

So it's going to be a tough decision, one I'm glad I don't have to make.

Today At The Fanhouse

Let's see what I've been up to.

• John Lackey Has A Blog-"I'm fired up to be back on the west coast. It's been a brutal trip. The weather was crappy back east and we've been getting our butts kicked. It's just been a crappy trip. We had to go to Milwaukee last week to play Cleveland. I've never heard of anything like that. It was snowing in Milwaukee too, a lot. I'm a Texas guy. I've never seen it come down like that." Somebody buy John a thesaurus. There are so many other words for crappy. Poopy. Sucktastic. Execrable. These are just a few, there's a whole world of fun and exciting new words for you, John!
• On Deck: Those Fighting Phils-Look out world, here come the Phillies! After getting off to a horrible start that's basically had Charlie Manuel talking to himself and screaming at others, the Phillies have won four games in a row. With two more games scheduled against the Nationals, they could make it six in a row and be on the brink of .500. Aaron Rowand has been crushing for the Phils, and with John Patterson going for Washington, it's highly possible the entire Phils lineup wakes up tonight.
• Is Carlos Guillen Hurt?-The reason it's even a question has to do with Guillen's defense. Guillen has committed six errors already this season, including three in Detroit's last two games. He's getting to just about every ball hit to him, but a lot of his throws have been in the dirt and hard for Tigers first baseman to handle.
• Brad Halsey Is An Idiot-Well, doesn't Mr. Halsey look like a jackass. Maybe if he'd been smart enough to find the actual hospital where he was to undergo an MRI, things would have been cleared up, and the Athletics would have chosen him over Dallas Braden. I don't know about you, but if you can't trust a pitcher to get to the right hospital how can you trust him to find the plate? Would he walk out to second base to start the inning and fire balls to the centerfielder?

John Daly Drinks Beer!?

I had no idea!

Anyway, Daly recently shot a commercial for Maxfli balls. Actually, I don't think they shot a commercial as much as some dude followed Daly around and filmed him. I'm pretty sure Daly sings in bars and drinks while driving a golf cart all the time, whether he's on camera or not.

CBS doesn't care. They're refusing to show the commercial because of the drinking.

"It did not meet the standards of the CBS network," spokeswoman LeslieAnn Wade said Tuesday. "Any implied or direct reference to excessive consumption of alcohol would not meet network guidelines."

You know who won't refuse to show the commercial? Me. Foul Balls has no standards, and we make direct references to excessive consumption of alcohol all the damn time. Hell, I'm drunk right now!

Morning Wood - Sox Win A Wet One

Chicago White Sox 9 Kansas City Royals 7

I don't know why the White Sox insist on falling behind early, but whatever, it's working. After an hour and 45 minute rain delay, the Sox put a run on the board in the first only to give up four to the Royals. As they always do, they chipped away, this time at Brandon Duckworth and Joel Peralta to take a 6-4 lead. The Sox like coming from behind so much that they let KC go ahead 7-6 in the 7th before coming back again with three runs of their own in the last two innings."A lot of good things happened," Chicago manager Ozzie Guillen said. "A lot of bad things happened. We lost the lead, but we never lost any confidence in the dugout."

Milwaukee Brewers 4 Chicago Cubs 1

As if things weren't bad enough for the Cubs, now we find out that Rich Hill is in fact a mortal man. Hill had his worst start of the year, giving up four runs to the Brew Crew. That's three more runs than he'd given up all season. Also, the team hasn't announced it yet, but Mark Prior is done for at least a year, probably longer after surgery yesterday. And how about the fact that the Cubs have no home runs from Derrek Lee, Alfonso Soriano or Jacque Jones? They're praying for rain on the North Side today, where the Cubs have a 2-9 record so far this season and are scheduled to face Ben Sheets.

Cleveland Indians 5 Minnesota Twins 3

Thanks to the Indians two-game "sweep" of the Twins, and the Sox doing the same to the Royals, the Indians and Sox are now tied for first in the AL Central. Johan Santana lost his second consecutive home start after winning something like 421 (it was actually 24) home games in a row. Travis Hafner continued his tear as he destroyed a Santana offering to start the scoring in the first inning. "I don't really think about it," Santana said. "It's going to happen. ... I don't really think about winning and losing the game here. I'm just trying to do my job and hope that everybody else will step up and try to win the game."

Elsewhere...

AL

• Athletics 4 Orioles 2
• Angels 9 Tigers 8
• Blue Jays 10 Red Sox 3
• Devil Rays 6 Yankees 4

NL

• Phillies 6 Nationals 3
• Pirates 3 Astros 0
• Braves 11 Marlins 6
• Mets 2 Rockies 1
• Reds 10 Cardinals 3
• Padres 10 DBacks 5
• Giants 5 Dodgers 3
  

The Basketball Diaries - The Closer

Chicago Bulls 107 Miami Heat 89

Like I've been saying all along, the Heat have no chance against the Bulls. Okay, so maybe I'm a little surprised by this. It's not so shocking that we're up 2-0, but the fact that we've basically dominated Miami has caught me off guard. Also, I think the Bulls have answered the critics who said they didn't have a "closer" in crunch time. I do believe Luol Deng scored 14 of his 26 points in the fourth quarter after the Heat started inching closer. Not even Shaq could complain after this one. "I have been around a long time and I've been in all these situations before," O'Neal said. "Basically, the Bulls did what they're supposed to do and protect their home court. We have to play smarter basketball. We got to come with a lot more energy and play with a lot more effort and a lot more passion." It's important to remember, if the Bulls don't win at least one game in Miami, they're right back where they started so let's not celebrate just yet.

Phoenix Suns 126 Los Angeles Lakers 98

Unlike Bulls fans, Suns fans can start celebrating their first round victory. The Lakers have no chance in hell of winning four of the next five against the Suns. Steve Nash had 16 points and 14 assists to lead Phoenix, who I'm pretty sure started this game with a 20-0 lead. "It's hard to single things out," Suns coach Mike D'Antoni said. "Our defense was really good, our rebounding was really good, we really ran well, and I don't know if we can play any better than that."

Toronto Raptors 89 New Jersey Nets 83

Congrats to Sam Mitchell. He won the Coach of the Year and a playoff game yesterday. Anthony Parker had 26 and Chris Bosh had 25 for the Raptors. Still, New Jersey did what they had to. They stole a game in Toronto, which is a very tough place for a road team to win, and now they've got Toronto going on the road where they aren't anywhere near as good. The Nets still control this series.

High Five

A quick look around the interweb while trying to hide from those bitch ass trees

1. Scandal rocks the 2006 Cheer Championships. [With Leather]
2. The ten worst haircuts in sports. [Sportable]
3. Tony Romo is back with Carrie Underwood, and the world is safe again. [Girls Gone Sports]
4. The Yankees have called up Phillip Hughes. [Babes Love Baseball]
5. Harvey Keitel and Derek Jeter are just two peas in a pod. [Deadspin]
   

New York Goes Old School

While growing up playing baseball, I exclusively used an aluminum bat. In fact, I think I was 18 before I ever even used a wooden bat against real pitching. I noticed a huge difference in feel between both bats, but I couldn't really tell if wood was safer.

The city of New York tends to think it is, and they've banned aluminum bats from high school games.

New York City banned metal baseball bats in high school games when the City Council overrode Mayor Michael Bloomberg's veto.

The vote was 41-4, seven more than required for an override, City Council spokesman Stephen Hamill said in a telephone interview. The law takes effect Sept. 1.

Bloomberg vetoed the bill this month, saying he didn't know if metal bats are more or less dangerous than those made of wood, and that people who run youth leagues should decide what bats to use.

Personally, I like the idea, but it's got nothing to do with safety. One of the best things about baseball is the crack of the bat making contact with the baseball. The ping of an aluminum bat just never had the same appeal.

Of course, not everyone shares this opinion. I talked to a couple of trees this afternoon, and they're kinda pissed.

"This is such [expletive]! What the [expletive] have we done to you [expletives]!? We supply you with oxygen, you know that [expletive] you need to [expletive] live, and all you douchebags do is cut us down."

I then walked away, cuz when trees start bitching they go on for hours. Seriously, they are depressing as hell.

Today at the Fanhouse

Get your dick jokes!

• Paul Konerko Is No Longer Struggling-"It feels good to do good," Konerko said. "That never concerns me too much when you're not hitting them because those things come in bunches. They come when you least expect them. The first one clearly was that, not even on my mind. I was trying to shoot a ball the other way. The second one felt better, but I had two strikes on me, so it's not like I was trying to do it there." It does feel good. Real good. Especially if you're an incredibly smart and good-looking blogger who has Konerko on your fantasy team.
• Torii Hunter's Gratitude Has No Place On a Baseball Field-Little did anybody know just how far Hunter would go. With a blatant disregard for human conduct and moral decency, Hunter delivered four bottles of Dom Perignon to the Royals clubhouse over the weekend. What a despicable act. Thankfully, baseball squashed this problem before it could get too far out of hand.
• On Deck: Everybody Wang Chung Tonight-If Wang can't help the Yankees get a win against the D-Rays tonight Yankee fans will have to suffer the embarrassment of seeing Tampa Bay written above New York in the AL East standings. Can Wang and the Rod save New York? Speaking of Wangs and Rods, the Big Unit makes his return in the desert tonight. Never has baseball been so phallic.
• King Felix Rules The Disabled List-I'm not overly optimistic about Felix's future. It really does suck that a pitcher like Hernandez could go through these troubles, but it happens all the time with young phenoms. I just get the feeling that this is the first in what could be a long line of arm troubles for King Felix.

Colorado State Abuses Children

I only post this cuz the kid was okay.



Afterwards, young Caden Thomas described the experience.

"It was kind of scary 'cause I got bonked by the football," the boy said, hugging his own football. "It kind of hurted."

As you can see, the blow to the head has affected his speech patterns.

Basketball Diaries - Identical Scores

Detroit Pistons 98 Orlando Magic 90

Ya, the Magic just don't have a chance in this series. Maybe they'll be able to keep themselves from being swept, but they aren't stopping the Pistons. They hung around on Monday night, but it was pretty obvious that they can't overtake the Eastern Conference leader. Every single starter scored in double-digits for Detroit, and Dwight Howard was held to 8 points. "Dwight was sick quite honestly," Brian Hill said. "He just didn't have anything. Before the game, he was nauseous and had intense stomach pains."

Houston Rockets 98 Utah Jazz 90

So I'm going to have to say I believe Tracy McGrady when he says that he's getting out of the first round for the first time in his career. He's got that crazy look in his eye, and he's tearing up the Jazz right now. T-Mac had 31 points and 10 rebounds as the Rockets took a 2-0 lead in the series. Carlos Boozer had 41 and 12 for Utah, but it wasn't enough.

Morning Wood-Paulie's Loose

Chicago White Sox 7 Kansas City Royals 4

Paul Konerko finally busted out of his season long slump last night, going 3-for-4 with two home runs and 5 RBI. Unfortunately, Mark Buehrle let us all down and did not throw another no-hitter. He's a selfish bastard, and I shall never forgive him. I'm pretty sure that this team is convinced they have to let the other team score first, because for the fifth game in a row the Sox fell behind. They've gone 4-1 in those games, and came back to take the lead in all five. How about scoring 5 runs in the first inning? I bet you can win that way too.

Milwaukee Brewers 5 Chicago Cubs 4 12inn

For the second straight day the Cubs lost in extra innings. You'd think when you have your ace on the mound and a 4-0 lead, that you're in good shape. Then you remember you're the Cubs and you somehow find a way to blow the damn thing. Way to be fellas. As Silvio put it, Rocky had his Cherry popped by Prince Fielder in the 12th inning, and the Cubs lost.

Tampa Bay Devil Rays 10 New York Yankees 8

I don't know why the DRays own the Yankees every season, but they do. I think the Yankees have lost more games to Tampa lately than to Baltimore and Toronto combined. Not even A-Rod's 13th and 14th home run of the season could save them. He has 14 home runs in 18 games. He's on pace to hit 126 this season.

Elsewhere...

AL

• Athletics 6 Orioles 5
• Blue Jays 7 Red Sox 3
• Mariners 5 Rangers 4
• Indians 7 Twins 3
• Tigers 9 Angels 5

NL

• Phillies 11 Astros 4
• Marlins 8 Braves 7
• Mets 6 Rockies 1