Tuesdays with Carlos: Watching TV

We here at Foul Balls are delighted to introduce you to a new weekly feature called Tuesdays With Carlos. Tuesdays With Carlos features Cubs starting pitcher Carlos Zambrano, who will share with you his thoughts and feelings on all sorts of topics. He's also willing to answer any of your questions, so should you have any, send them to TuesdaysWithCarlos@yahoo.com.

Now, here's Carlos.

Hello, Foul Balls. Carlos is back again this week, and I am enjoying my time off. I know last week I try to get onto All-Star team, but now that I'm not on the team I am happy. It's nice to sit at home and hang out for a few days.

I have been able to watch all the TV shows I had recorded on my TiVo. Is Tony Soprano dead? What a stupid way to end the show! Carlos wait for so long and then it just end like that.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid STUPID.

If Tony Soprano isn't dead, he better hope he no run into Carlos on the streets cuz I will punch him to death for that bullshit. Carlos is going to miss the Meadow. She a very good looking girl, Carlos likes her very much. I would like to have the sex with her.

I would pick her up off of her feet and carry her to my bedroom and then throw her across the room onto bed like Superman. I would then run to bed and fly into air and land on top of her.

Then we would do the sex and afterwards Carlos would say,

"I love you, Meadow. Do you love Carlos?"

Then she would say yes, and we would live happy ever after.

I also start watching Pirate Master. That show is good! Bunch of people live on pirate boat and live like pirates, hunting for treasure and stuff. I think Carlos is gonna call his agent and see if he can get on for next season. Hopefully they do it during offseason, or I may have to retire for a year.

I really want to be on that show. More than I want to play baseball. When I was a little boy in Venezuela I would play pirates with my amigos. I was El Capitan. I would make them walk the plank whenever they make me mad, and if they say no, I would punch them in the face. You can't say no to El Capitan. He's El Capitan!!!

They try to mutiny against me one time, but I took care of that. There was a lot of punching that day, and they never mutiny again after that. Actually, we never play again after that. That's when I start playing baseball.

So you see, pirates is Carlos first love. Baseball is second. That's why I lose game on Sunday! I love Pirates. No, no. Just kidding. They beat Carlos fair and square.

Other than that, I am not doing too much. I just want to relax and get ready for second half of season. We are getting closer to Brewers in division, and we have to keep playing good for rest of season to catch them. They very good team, but Carlos believe that we are even better.

We will catch them. If not, I will punch them all to death.

Until Next Week,
Big Z

Carlos' Mailbag

1. We Windy City folks prize loyalty in our athletes. Mark Buehrle proved how much he loves Chicago by taking less money to stay with the White Sox. Your deal is coming up very soon. How much do you love Chicago? Sincerely, A Diehard Cubs Fan

Hello Diehard! Carlos is very happy for Mark Buehrle and he happy that Mark get what he wanted. As far as Carlos, my agent no really want me to talk about that publicly. But Carlos love Chicago so much! There are so many Dunkin Donuts around that no matter where Carlos go, Dunkin Donuts always near by to him. Carlos also want you to know that he was very close to signing deal with Cubs for less money than he get somewhere else, but new owners stopped it. So Carlos want to stay in Chicago, but it will be up to Cubs to keep him here.

2. Is Mike Fontenot pissed at you for calling him short? Go Cubbies! Midge in Wonder Lake

Hello, Midge! Who cares? What can Little Lord Fontenot do to Carlos? He like three feet tall. Carlos pick him up and throw him in bullpen to warm up before games. No, I just kidding. Carlos and Mike are friends. I tell him he short all the time, and he calls me fat. I punch him once for it, but then I realize he was only teasing. I felt very bad afterwards, and we held each other with big hug. I cry, and then feel better. I bought him ice cream after.

3. C'mon, Carlos, admit it, you say you're not, but aren't you a teeny bit pissed off that Chris Young got picked for the All Stars and you didn't? And can I have an autograph? And a donut? Dick McGee in Lombard

Hello, Dick! You have a stupid name. Dick McGee. Is that real? It make Carlos laugh. No, I already say I'm not mad for not going to All-Star Game. Though I did lie a little bit. I only say that I want Chris Young to go so he think we are friends again, but we are not. We have not hugged or cried together, and I ask him if he want to. He say no. So now I wait for Chris Young to come to Chicago again. Then he will be crying, but I won't cry. I will laugh. Then I call DLee over and we tie him up and throw him into Chicago River. He is pretty tall so we will have to tie his legs and hands together so he cannot stand under the water.