The Ugly Truth

Every Friday, Kissing Suzy Kolber faithfully displays photographs of hot chicks sure to delight the discriminating onanist.

Meanwhile, other guy bloggers lay waste to every woman who dares to show her body/face without an airbrush expert following close behind.

I'm starting to believe you diddlers are taking too much for granted.

You know, being "doable" is hard work. Do you realize the hours it takes and pain endured just to wax? The four gazillion squats you have to do daily to look like this? The thousands of dollars you have to rack up on your Visa for creams and hair color and liposuction gym membership?

Meanwhile, you pasty-faced laggers get to plop down in your Barcaloungers with your laptop perched on your paunches, polish off a bucket of KFC wings, wash it down with a bucket of Rocks, and make snarky comments about grannie panties.

Well, payback's a bitch.

The Phoenix has compiled a list of the 100 Unsexiest Men in America, 2007. Included among them are several athletes and sports personalities. Here are just a few with the text:

90. John Kruk. "This ex-first baseman turned baseball analyst may have cut the mullet and lost a good deal of his playing weight (at his peak with the 1993 Philadelphia Phillies he looked like he had gone way past three bills). But that doesn't mean things have improved: the Baseball Tonight 'expert' (whose on-air comments are anything but) has a Homer Simpson gut, and his hairstyle is now just a slicked-back mess, à la the Valdez."

55. Ronaldinho. "The world’s greatest soccer player is so ugly, even his action figure has buck teeth. Kissing him must be like getting kicked in the face by a donkey. "


53. Bud Selig. "Toupee-wearing, fashion-challenged MLB commissioner could not look more like a Midwestern former used-car salesman — mainly because he is a Midwestern former used-car salesman."


40. Curt Shilling. "The gut is starting to reach Bartolo Colon proportions. Also, Curt, what’s with the hair? Are you trying to grow back the old feathered half-mullet from your Philly days? Were those Birkenstocks you were photographed wearing when you dropped the puck at a Coyotes game? Look, thanks for 2004, and we love the blog (seriously) but maybe it’s time to spend less time on video-gaming projects and more time on staying in shape."

31. Bill Belichik. "His sartorial style is not unlike that of a hobo. Somehow this didn’t stop Mr. Unassuming Genius from seducing his buddy’s wife. So perhaps Bill’s look isn’t quite as haphazard as it looks. Kind of like the 'Derelicte' look perfected in Zoolander, which was 'a way of life inspired by the very homeless, the vagrants, the crack whores that make this wonderful city so unique.' Look for Blue Steel and Magnum in the Pats’ playbook next season — if Tom Brady can turn left."

Other sports guys on the list include Pacman Jones, Tony Kornheiser, OJ Simpson and Larry Bird.

The ugliest of them all? Donald Trump followed closely behind by the fat guy in Borat, Ken Davitian.

Before you get too smug about it, remember why you're not on the list:

You're not famous enough.