As you've probably heard, yesterday they made it official: Chief Illiniwek has been retired for good. No last-minute reprieves, no rescue by the State's Attorney General. He's gone forever.
The Chief's last performance was on January 21. Since then, he's disappeared, leaving only unsettling rumors in his wake.
But Foul Balls has a source at the university, our own U. of I. "Deep Throat" (at least that's what Fornelli calls her), who led us to the venerable symbol, now living in a Century Village condo in Boca Raton, Florida.
Known in the community simply as "Lenny," Illiniwek has settled in anonymously among his fellow elders, playing mah jong and complaining about the heat.
But inside the four walls of his tiny apartment, keepsakes of a bygone era, and no small amount of anger, are prominently on display.
The stress of the last few weeks has taken its toll on the 81-year-old. Without head dress and uniform, he looks frail, tired, and his eyes betray the sorrow of recent events.
Foul Balls: Thank you for speaking with Foul Balls, Lenny -
Chief Illiniwek: Chief, dammit. My name is Chief.
FB: Chief. You have, I'm sure, been reading about the reports of your death.
CI: Don't they wish! I'm alive, no thanks to those faygolas who threw me out the door like I was week-old perch.
FB: You're referring to -
CI: Who the hell do you think? That pisher Larry and his henchmen. Pardon me, henchpersons.
FB: Did you ever get a chance to talk to the Board?
CI: Talk to them? What's to talk? Did you read what that one board member said about me? Quote "The time has come. The chief bothered a whole lot of people for a long time" unquote. I've bothered people? Because of a schmatta I wore on my head?
FB: This must be a difficult time for you.
CI: No, it's Tanqueray and blow 24/7... Yes, it's difficult!
FB: What's the hardest part of being retired?
CI: I loved to work. I can't remember a single day when I wasn't. Now, suddenly, I'm in a Barcalounger, eating Ramen Noodles and watching The Food Network.
FB: Sounds kinda like college.
CI: You know any college students wearing Depends? Wait, don't answer that.
FB: Back to Illiniwek. People have said your forced retirement is especially ironic in light of last week's Sports Illustrated poll choosing the Chicago Blackhawks jersey as the best in the NHL -
CI: Toothless, poke-checking Canadians on ice skates are noble but I'm the bad influence! I don't see them shipping Bobby Hull off to some shetetl to spend his twilight years.
FB: Who's Bobby Hull?
CI: Never mind. My point is, why am I the one singled out?
FB: Some people think your presence sent a derogatory message about Native Americans.
CI: Some people think Sanjaya Malakar can sing.
FB: Are you hearing from any Illini?
CI: Ha! All these supporters, they said they loved me. But do I get a call, a letter, a lousy text message? It's okay, though, I'm not bitter. You know what Ole Blue Eyes said, "That's life." Besides, I've made friends here now.
FB: Do they know your true identity?
CI: I tell people I was a dry cleaner in Glencoe. It's easier that way. But some people know. There are a bunch of other retired symbols living here too, you know.
FB: Like who?
CI: Let's see, there's Artie, the Carthage Redman, he's in 1205B. Great guy. And Miami Redskin, we call him Red, but he's in the assisted care center so we don't see him much. Right down the hall from me is the St. Bonaventure Brown Squaw. Whoa, that Bonnie is a dish...
FB: So you guys are kinda like the X-men.
CI: If they had no special powers and lots of acid reflux.
FB: On to an issue that concerns a lot of Illini -
CI: Oh, the BIG rumor. That I've put a curse on the school and its teams.
FB: Have you?
CI: Look, I said some crazy stuff in the end. I was hurt and angry. But I love the University of Illinois and I'm proud of what I did as its symbol. So, no, I'll never wish bad things for my beloved Illini.
FB: How do you want to be remembered, Chief?
CI: Well, I think my old friend Roger Ebert said it best when he wrote something to try to help save me. Lemme find it.
(rummages through papers)
Here it is. He said and I quote, "I hope they will recognize the simple truth, which is that Chief Illiniwek is a positive, not a negative, symbol. That he is a reminder of the past and an inspiration for remembering the role of Native Americans in the continent's history. That in a pluralistic society like ours, a sense of proportion is necessary if we are all to get along and not box ourselves into smug, angry special-interest groups. The Chief was created in goodwill, he is presented in goodwill, he is taken in goodwill, and there is nothing exploitative about him. Although some sports "mascots" do project a negative view of Native Americans, the Chief is part of the solution, not part of the problem."
(Illiniwek starts to cry)
FB: You okay, Chief?
CI: Yes.... yes.... finish your questions....
FB: So, what does your future hold?
CI: I got a job offer last week from the elders of the Miccosukee Tribe in Miami.
FB: That's great, Chief!
CI: Not really. They wanted me to put on my outfit and pass out leaflets for the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet at their casino. They mean well, nice kids, but I told them I can't. I have too much respect for the symbol to use it that way.
FB: Thanks for some great memories, Chief. And thanks for your time, today.
CI: You're welcome. Wanna play some gin rummy?
The Chief's last performance was on January 21. Since then, he's disappeared, leaving only unsettling rumors in his wake.
But Foul Balls has a source at the university, our own U. of I. "Deep Throat" (at least that's what Fornelli calls her), who led us to the venerable symbol, now living in a Century Village condo in Boca Raton, Florida.
Known in the community simply as "Lenny," Illiniwek has settled in anonymously among his fellow elders, playing mah jong and complaining about the heat.
But inside the four walls of his tiny apartment, keepsakes of a bygone era, and no small amount of anger, are prominently on display.
The stress of the last few weeks has taken its toll on the 81-year-old. Without head dress and uniform, he looks frail, tired, and his eyes betray the sorrow of recent events.
Foul Balls: Thank you for speaking with Foul Balls, Lenny -
Chief Illiniwek: Chief, dammit. My name is Chief.
FB: Chief. You have, I'm sure, been reading about the reports of your death.
CI: Don't they wish! I'm alive, no thanks to those faygolas who threw me out the door like I was week-old perch.
FB: You're referring to -
CI: Who the hell do you think? That pisher Larry and his henchmen. Pardon me, henchpersons.
FB: Did you ever get a chance to talk to the Board?
CI: Talk to them? What's to talk? Did you read what that one board member said about me? Quote "The time has come. The chief bothered a whole lot of people for a long time" unquote. I've bothered people? Because of a schmatta I wore on my head?
FB: This must be a difficult time for you.
CI: No, it's Tanqueray and blow 24/7... Yes, it's difficult!
FB: What's the hardest part of being retired?
CI: I loved to work. I can't remember a single day when I wasn't. Now, suddenly, I'm in a Barcalounger, eating Ramen Noodles and watching The Food Network.
FB: Sounds kinda like college.
CI: You know any college students wearing Depends? Wait, don't answer that.
FB: Back to Illiniwek. People have said your forced retirement is especially ironic in light of last week's Sports Illustrated poll choosing the Chicago Blackhawks jersey as the best in the NHL -
CI: Toothless, poke-checking Canadians on ice skates are noble but I'm the bad influence! I don't see them shipping Bobby Hull off to some shetetl to spend his twilight years.
FB: Who's Bobby Hull?
CI: Never mind. My point is, why am I the one singled out?
FB: Some people think your presence sent a derogatory message about Native Americans.
CI: Some people think Sanjaya Malakar can sing.
FB: Are you hearing from any Illini?
CI: Ha! All these supporters, they said they loved me. But do I get a call, a letter, a lousy text message? It's okay, though, I'm not bitter. You know what Ole Blue Eyes said, "That's life." Besides, I've made friends here now.
FB: Do they know your true identity?
CI: I tell people I was a dry cleaner in Glencoe. It's easier that way. But some people know. There are a bunch of other retired symbols living here too, you know.
FB: Like who?
CI: Let's see, there's Artie, the Carthage Redman, he's in 1205B. Great guy. And Miami Redskin, we call him Red, but he's in the assisted care center so we don't see him much. Right down the hall from me is the St. Bonaventure Brown Squaw. Whoa, that Bonnie is a dish...
FB: So you guys are kinda like the X-men.
CI: If they had no special powers and lots of acid reflux.
FB: On to an issue that concerns a lot of Illini -
CI: Oh, the BIG rumor. That I've put a curse on the school and its teams.
FB: Have you?
CI: Look, I said some crazy stuff in the end. I was hurt and angry. But I love the University of Illinois and I'm proud of what I did as its symbol. So, no, I'll never wish bad things for my beloved Illini.
FB: How do you want to be remembered, Chief?
CI: Well, I think my old friend Roger Ebert said it best when he wrote something to try to help save me. Lemme find it.
(rummages through papers)
Here it is. He said and I quote, "I hope they will recognize the simple truth, which is that Chief Illiniwek is a positive, not a negative, symbol. That he is a reminder of the past and an inspiration for remembering the role of Native Americans in the continent's history. That in a pluralistic society like ours, a sense of proportion is necessary if we are all to get along and not box ourselves into smug, angry special-interest groups. The Chief was created in goodwill, he is presented in goodwill, he is taken in goodwill, and there is nothing exploitative about him. Although some sports "mascots" do project a negative view of Native Americans, the Chief is part of the solution, not part of the problem."
(Illiniwek starts to cry)
FB: You okay, Chief?
CI: Yes.... yes.... finish your questions....
FB: So, what does your future hold?
CI: I got a job offer last week from the elders of the Miccosukee Tribe in Miami.
FB: That's great, Chief!
CI: Not really. They wanted me to put on my outfit and pass out leaflets for the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet at their casino. They mean well, nice kids, but I told them I can't. I have too much respect for the symbol to use it that way.
FB: Thanks for some great memories, Chief. And thanks for your time, today.
CI: You're welcome. Wanna play some gin rummy?
1 comments:
Try to play nice with each other, or else I will remove your comment.