Bud Selig Thinks "Just Say No" Is For Baseball Fans with Cable and Kids With Cancer

This stick up your ass is Bud's for you.

Every spring training for twenty years, you could find a bright yellow pin on Houston Astro Craig Biggio's cap. The pin is the logo for the Sunshine Kids foundation and he wore it as a sign of solidarity for kids going through cancer treatment.

Well, folks in Bud Selig's office took time from their busy schedule - keeping baseball off the air for hundreds of thousands of fans and ignoring Barry Bonds - to order Biggio to stop wearing it.

Biggio said someone in the commissioner's office sent Houston general manager Tim Purpura a fax with a picture of Biggio from Wednesday night's game and told it must be removed. Umpires approached him on the field last night to make sure it was gone.

Biggio, who wears the pin so sick kids who get photos of him during spring training have a little inspiration, was understandably upset:

"If somebody wants to sit in an office and feel good about themselves, they should feel real bad about this one. They didn't think about all the cancer kids that get enjoyment out of it. Major League Baseball does a lot of good things, but this is one of the stupid things."

No one seemed to know who specifically directed this ban on the pin. Astros manager Phil Garner was unsure who contacted the team. And a spokesman for Major League Baseball declined to comment.

But I might have the answer.

You see, I decided to call Major League Baseball and talk to someone about this.

So I called their main number, (212) 931-7800 - that's (212) 931-7800.

A female answered, "Major League Baseball." I asked to speak to someone in Bud Selig's office and got some guy on the line. This is the for-real, actual conversation I had with him (almost word-for-word but paraphrased because I didn't record it):

Me: Hi, My name is Panger and I'm calling about your decision to remove the pin from Craig Biggio's hat and was wondering if there was someone available for me to register a comment.

MLB Guy: You just did.

Me: But you don't know what my comment was going to be.

(Silence)

Me: May I get an email address for Mr. Selig then?

MLB Guy: No.

Me: You don't have email?

MLB Guy: No.

Me: No one in Major League Baseball has email.

MLB Guy: No.

Me: May I ask, please, what's your name?

MLB Guy: Vinnie.

Me: And you are...?

MLB Guy: In public relations.

Me: So you're Vinny in Public Relations.

MLB Guy: Yeah.

Me: (laughing) Public relations? You sure of that?

MLB Guy: Yeah.

Me: Well, thanks, Vinnie.

MLB Guy: Yep. [CLICK BUZZ]

Not pointing fingers but a word of advice to the cable guys negotiating the deal with MLB: Don't agree to get into any vehicles late at night, especially if they're headed towards Staten Island.

As for you, sick kids, well, you're on your own.

Selig probably supports killing Knut, too.

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